Board index › General Discussion › General Autism Discussion

how do i get people to stop thinking im being condescending?

Page 1 of 3 [ 36 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

hollowmoon
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 28 Feb 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 215

29 Sep 2014, 5:14 am

People are always saying i have an attitude and its driving me crazy. They say it's a condescending tone of voice or something, but its not like im yelling or being short. I remember once i had a job in the kitchen and i was walking around barely saying anything, yet at the end of the shift the manager said i had an attitude. Also what drives me crazy is that people say that I am snobby because I do not talk that much but people never talk to me or reciprocate when I do talk to them. I have tried to talk to people and they give me one word answers and then complain that I am being snobby. People say I that part of the reason is because I am considered an attractive female (I don't think so) and theres stereotypes revolving around how I look. Can somebody please give me advice on how to NOT come off as condescending, attitude, and snobby? Please... preferably from an NT perspective. I am struggling to understand, no matter how friendly I think I am being this always happens.



androbot01
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Sep 2014
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,746
Location: Kingston, Ontario, Canada

29 Sep 2014, 5:22 am

Smile, make eye contact and no matter how inane the conversation, pretend to be interested.



hollowmoon
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 28 Feb 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 215

29 Sep 2014, 5:26 am

androbot01 wrote:
Smile, make eye contact and no matter how inane the conversation, pretend to be interested.


ya, but i dont know how to appear interested in conversations. There have been times where I thought I was appearing interested only to have an observer say I was being awkward, insincere, and disinterested. I make eye contact and everything. I think it may be the timing of my body language and I don't make facial expressions idk.



androbot01
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Sep 2014
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,746
Location: Kingston, Ontario, Canada

29 Sep 2014, 5:35 am

hollowmoon wrote:
androbot01 wrote:
Smile, make eye contact and no matter how inane the conversation, pretend to be interested.


ya, but i dont know how to appear interested in conversations. There have been times where I thought I was appearing interested only to have an observer say I was being awkward, insincere, and disinterested. I make eye contact and everything. I think it may be the timing of my body language and I don't make facial expressions idk.


Oh facial expressions are very important. Think of yourself as an actor trying to portray the correct emotion. I've found that if I mimic the person I am talking to this works well. For example, try repeating what the person has said in your own words to show understanding. The hardest part is throwing in original material, so often I will just stick to the rephrasing technique and a lot of nodding and appropriate smile/frown/concern whatever. It is easier if you separate your personal feelings altogether; that is, it doesn't matter if you're interested or not, just keep playing the part.



BuyerBeware
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,476
Location: PA, USA

29 Sep 2014, 8:09 am

Pretty much what others have said. Smile, make eye contact, act interested.

NEVER CORRECT ANYONE. EVER.

Try, insofar as possible, to imitate the speech patterns and accents of the people you are with (with the exception of racial/ethnic accents-- that's considered mockery). Unless I'm talking to my kids' teachers, I always employ a little bit of hillbilly-ese (it's also my native tongue, though, and I feel good speaking it because to me it is the language of strength). Using "was" for "were," dropping the occasional "y'all" or "ain't," and the very sparse double negative tends to make people think that THEY are better than YOU.

Dressing down, if you happen to be physically attractive, also helps.


_________________
"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"


Tawaki
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Sep 2011
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,439
Location: occupied 313

29 Sep 2014, 9:31 am

It's how you carry yourself, facial expressions, and voice tone all wrapped into one.

My husband gets this comment all the time due to how his body is positioned, (slouchy shoulders, crap body posture), no eye contact, limit facial expressions, AND his use of $100 dollar words. He can come across as a surly, hermit, philosophy professor. My husband doesn't mean to, and what he's saying isn't negative, but his body language screams *leave me alone*.

A good example of this is comedians. They can say some really blue, course stuff and have people laughing their heads off. (Carlin, Hicks, Pryor even Woody Allen), but if you look at what their voice and body is doing, it isn't off putting.

If people are commenting, you have a real issue. Most people wouldn't waste their time making a comment if it was a once in a while occurrence.

If you have an actor friend, or someone who does a lot of public speaking, it might be worth getting their opinion on how you come across.

Unfortunately, in the NT world, body language is a big deal, and it can effect employment opportunities.

Good luck...



hollowmoon
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 28 Feb 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 215

29 Sep 2014, 11:07 am

Tawaki wrote:
It's how you carry yourself, facial expressions, and voice tone all wrapped into one.

My husband gets this comment all the time due to how his body is positioned, (slouchy shoulders, crap body posture), no eye contact, limit facial expressions, AND his use of $100 dollar words. He can come across as a surly, hermit, philosophy professor. My husband doesn't mean to, and what he's saying isn't negative, but his body language screams *leave me alone*.

A good example of this is comedians. They can say some really blue, course stuff and have people laughing their heads off. (Carlin, Hicks, Pryor even Woody Allen), but if you look at what their voice and body is doing, it isn't off putting.

If people are commenting, you have a real issue. Most people wouldn't waste their time making a comment if it was a once in a while occurrence.

If you have an actor friend, or someone who does a lot of public speaking, it might be worth getting their opinion on how you come across.

Unfortunately, in the NT world, body language is a big deal, and it can effect employment opportunities.

Good luck...


what do you mean by carry yourself? And how would body language affect employment opportunities if you have all the other necessary qualifications?



hollowmoon
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 28 Feb 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 215

29 Sep 2014, 11:08 am

BuyerBeware wrote:
Pretty much what others have said. Smile, make eye contact, act interested.

NEVER CORRECT ANYONE. EVER.

Try, insofar as possible, to imitate the speech patterns and accents of the people you are with (with the exception of racial/ethnic accents-- that's considered mockery). Unless I'm talking to my kids' teachers, I always employ a little bit of hillbilly-ese (it's also my native tongue, though, and I feel good speaking it because to me it is the language of strength). Using "was" for "were," dropping the occasional "y'all" or "ain't," and the very sparse double negative tends to make people think that THEY are better than YOU.

Dressing down, if you happen to be physically attractive, also helps.


are you sure? I correct people ALL the time. What's wrong with that if they are wrong?



Janissy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 May 2009
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,450
Location: x

29 Sep 2014, 11:20 am

hollowmoon wrote:
BuyerBeware wrote:
Pretty much what others have said. Smile, make eye contact, act interested.

NEVER CORRECT ANYONE. EVER.

Try, insofar as possible, to imitate the speech patterns and accents of the people you are with (with the exception of racial/ethnic accents-- that's considered mockery). Unless I'm talking to my kids' teachers, I always employ a little bit of hillbilly-ese (it's also my native tongue, though, and I feel good speaking it because to me it is the language of strength). Using "was" for "were," dropping the occasional "y'all" or "ain't," and the very sparse double negative tends to make people think that THEY are better than YOU.

Dressing down, if you happen to be physically attractive, also helps.


are you sure? I correct people ALL the time. What's wrong with that if they are wrong?


To them, it will feel like you are being condescending. The message they get- even though you do not intend to send such a message- is "it is important for you to know that I'm right and you're wrong". Sometimes it really is important for you to correct people who are wrong. If they are about to act on wrong information and that act will bring bad things that wouldn't happen with the correct information- then correct them. But if they are incorrrect about something that it is not imperative for them to get right, then don't correct them.



blueblahbleh
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 17 Nov 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 116
Location: Wrong Planet

29 Sep 2014, 11:23 am

hollowmoon wrote:
BuyerBeware wrote:
Pretty much what others have said. Smile, make eye contact, act interested.

NEVER CORRECT ANYONE. EVER.

Try, insofar as possible, to imitate the speech patterns and accents of the people you are with (with the exception of racial/ethnic accents-- that's considered mockery). Unless I'm talking to my kids' teachers, I always employ a little bit of hillbilly-ese (it's also my native tongue, though, and I feel good speaking it because to me it is the language of strength). Using "was" for "were," dropping the occasional "y'all" or "ain't," and the very sparse double negative tends to make people think that THEY are better than YOU.

Dressing down, if you happen to be physically attractive, also helps.


are you sure? I correct people ALL the time. What's wrong with that if they are wrong?


People don't like to be corrected and they might think you are a "know it all." If someone is wrong, let them be wrong (unless it's an issue of safety.) Instead of focusing on what someone says or does wrong, try praising them for something they did or said right. Everyone makes mistakes. Focus on the good. Unless you have a teacher/student relationship with someone or they specifically ask for help, it's not necessary to go around correcting people.

Good luck, I hope this helps.



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,293

29 Sep 2014, 11:28 am

Tawaki wrote:
It's how you carry yourself, facial expressions, and voice tone all wrapped into one.

My husband gets this comment all the time due to how his body is positioned, (slouchy shoulders, crap body posture), no eye contact, limit facial expressions, AND his use of $100 dollar words. He can come across as a surly, hermit, philosophy professor. My husband doesn't mean to, and what he's saying isn't negative, but his body language screams *leave me alone*.

A good example of this is comedians. They can say some really blue, course stuff and have people laughing their heads off. (Carlin, Hicks, Pryor even Woody Allen), but if you look at what their voice and body is doing, it isn't off putting.

I'm actually not married you know :lol: In all seriousness though this sounds just like me I know I slouch, have terrible posture (which is probably why I was bullied so much) and make little eye contact (I hear with my EARS, not eyes!) and tend to use big words like calling pharmaceuticals by their proper rather than brand names and even correcting people when they use the brand names. For example:
Them: "Do you have any Aleve?"
Me: "I presume you mean Sodium Naproxen, right? I have 250mg oral tablets if that's okay"
I have even used the term "Dihydrogen Monoxide" when referring to water! What's worse is that I work in a blue collar job, not healthcare or chemistry. That's probably why people avoid me. I am friendly and polite yet my body language screams "get lost!". It probably confuses the heck out of people and they probably think I am being condescending when I am just trying to expand their knowledge.



Janissy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 May 2009
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,450
Location: x

29 Sep 2014, 11:51 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
[
I'm actually not married you know :lol: In all seriousness though this sounds just like me I know I slouch, have terrible posture (which is probably why I was bullied so much) and make little eye contact (I hear with my EARS, not eyes!) and tend to use big words like calling pharmaceuticals by their proper rather than brand names and even correcting people when they use the brand names. For example:
Them: "Do you have any Aleve?"
Me: "I presume you mean Sodium Naproxen, right? I have 250mg oral tablets if that's okay"
I have even used the term "Dihydrogen Monoxide" when referring to water! What's worse is that I work in a blue collar job, not healthcare or chemistry. That's probably why people avoid me. I am friendly and polite yet my body language screams "get lost!". It probably confuses the heck out of people and they probably think I am being condescending when I am just trying to expand their knowledge.


You are actually being condescending to people when you "correct" Aleve to Sodium Naproxene. I put "correct" in quotes because they haven't said anything incorrect by using the brand name. The information you have passed on to them is not that Aleve is actually sodium naproxene but rather that it is important to you that they understand you know something they didn't.



BuyerBeware
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,476
Location: PA, USA

29 Sep 2014, 12:08 pm

hollowmoon wrote:
BuyerBeware wrote:
Pretty much what others have said. Smile, make eye contact, act interested.

NEVER CORRECT ANYONE. EVER.

Try, insofar as possible, to imitate the speech patterns and accents of the people you are with (with the exception of racial/ethnic accents-- that's considered mockery). Unless I'm talking to my kids' teachers, I always employ a little bit of hillbilly-ese (it's also my native tongue, though, and I feel good speaking it because to me it is the language of strength). Using "was" for "were," dropping the occasional "y'all" or "ain't," and the very sparse double negative tends to make people think that THEY are better than YOU.

Dressing down, if you happen to be physically attractive, also helps.


are you sure? I correct people ALL the time. What's wrong with that if they are wrong?


People don't like being wrong. They will not thank you for setting them straight. They will just get mad at you for catching them out, and make it your problem.

And, yes, avoid those $100 words. Read your local paper (it is, allegedly anyway, written on about an eighth-grade reading level). If the word doesn't appear in the paper on a regular basis, don't use it except in very select company. Try to make your common vocabulary consist mostly of 1- and 2-syllable words. Three syllables is the absolute max.


_________________
"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"


GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,293

29 Sep 2014, 12:14 pm

Janissy wrote:
You are actually being condescending to people when you "correct" Aleve to Sodium Naproxene. I put "correct" in quotes because they haven't said anything incorrect by using the brand name. The information you have passed on to them is not that Aleve is actually sodium naproxene but rather that it is important to you that they understand you know something they didn't.

Point well taken. Perhaps it was my way of trying to cover up my low self-esteem and try to "force" others to view my talents. My therapist recently stated that people will see my good points naturally (like at work for example) but I guess I am so used to being ignored this was my way of compensating for it. This is something I have been trying to avoid doing and it is harder than I suspected because the habit is so deeply ingrained.



androbot01
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Sep 2014
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,746
Location: Kingston, Ontario, Canada

29 Sep 2014, 12:22 pm

Nobody likes a know-it-all. I think you are right GHF - when you are constantly trying to show how smart you are, the only thing you are showing is a lack of self-esteem.



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,293

29 Sep 2014, 12:36 pm

androbot01 wrote:
Nobody likes a know-it-all. I think you are right GHF - when you are constantly trying to show how smart you are, the only thing you are showing is a lack of self-esteem.

Thanks. I believe you are right. I did go out with a guy and girl (who are coworkers) I know recently and once the girl left, the guy mentioned how he sees a change in my behavior for the better and that I seem more confident. Hopefully that will translate into better relationships in general with quality, well adjusted people. Watching Sheldon Cooper on the Big Bang Theory has really helped. I used to be so much like him it was almost laughable. I just wish people realized I didn't do it to annoy but to inform and uplift.