Dating and Asperger's...the challenges we face

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Hello everyone,

As a thirtysomething who has Asperger's, I never thought that dating was an insurmountable challenge. However, after reading the stories that we face, I want to offer insight and see what other Aspies have to say about the subject.

I work for the federal government and live on the outskirts of Washington, DC in the suburbs. As a native of Long Island, I lived in a market where singles were everywhere and everyone wanted a relationship. As Frank Sinatra sang if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere-but just because the numbers are on your side does not mean that you will have success. Washington, DC is a market where there are many type-A, aggressive personalities-and simply said, many of them could care less about the issues facing people who have Asperger's and the struggles we go through in the dating game. People here hold high-level jobs and many of them can easily handle any type of social situation, which I struggle mightily in. I've done speeddating, which amazes some women because they are like "You stutter and you're seriously doing this?" But I guess it is evident that anyone who meets me can easily see I have Asperger's, and right off the bat it is a turn-off.

I would like to find a relationship and perhaps settle down in the future. But it seems so daunting, and although I am 36, in four years I will be 40-and I can't help feeling like sometimes that the world of dating may have passed me by. I know my worth and I have enough confidence in myself to know that I can be a great catch for someone-but I have to admit, there are times I wonder.

What are your thoughts? I'd like to know.

Steven

What is the insight?

Your question is kind of vague, but here's my opinion:

Dating is completely abnormal for humans and a symptom of a warped social structure. Humans have evolved to grow up with a smallish group of other humans, thereby having a constant source of support (material and emotional), and not being so needy for significant others as we are in our lonely little modern civilizations. Finding an s.o., however, was also not nearly as difficult.

Dating is less difficult for non-spectrumites because of their adaptability and social motivation. Dating is more difficult for spectrumites due to lower levels of these characteristics.

It's definitely not an insurmountable hurdle--finding a relationship.

If you read further within this Forum, you'll find that there are many people (most with ASD's) that are in relationships.

You're not an old person, by any means.

You don't have to go to bars to find a lady. The best place, frankly, is in situations where you share common interests, or common backgrounds.

I would keep an open mind, and not give up before you start.

The way that I see it, there are things in our lives that we can control, and those that we can't. For example, I can't control the fact that I have Aspergers, but I can work on improving my social skills as best I can. I've been working on that for most of my life, and I accept that socially, I am now probably about as proficient as I'll ever be, and I'm perfectly fine with that. There are plenty of things that are within my control that can help with dating though: my career, my appearance, my physical shape, my interests/talents (that in turn, can make me a good deal more interesting). I've been focusing on these strengths in the hope that they can help to offset my weaknesses.

So far, the issue that I keep running into is that all of those things about me work great to get my foot in the door and get dates - but then my difficulties with the social aspects of dating end up preventing me from having much success.

Maybe it's a generational thing. OP, I don't know when you were diagnosed - but speaking for me - I had to spend most of my life waiting for the support systems to be put in place.

Sexually abused by girls at 13 in 1984, while having Dworkin's lot scream at me that I was a "rapist" because penis - cognitive dissonance a go-go - not recognised until 2004
relentless bullying all the way through secondary school..

Diagnosed in 1987 at 16 - by Michael Rutter's team when they'd only released Asperger's papers in 1985
Given MASSIVELY as a research subject throughout the 90s...

Had the historical abuse recognised this year...

Once the legs heal up and i get my health back - hopefully some of the support sysems now in place could give me a chance to get some of that time back..

But it might be that I'm reliant on lots of bricks-and-mortar support... maybe then be able to experience the sex and relationship spheres...

But it's weird that I'd be starting out at 50.

I just started salsa/kizomba at the student sport centre and now I am dancing with all kinds of young men for three hours on monday, how's that?

Well, I am back to dating after a failed three month unofficial "relationship". In my case, I think my problem is twofold: the women I meet online seem to be emotionally unavailable for a guy (it's not just me: they are all still single) but in real life I am completely oblivious. I was out with a guy I know on Friday and he said "did you know I counted 8 women seriously checking you out?" I told him I *might* have seen one but even that is a stretch. I KNOW I would be a great partner and eventually husband and father but I have no idea how to show genuine interest and recognize it in others EXCEPT on one date where I completely nailed it. Lest you think the friend was just being polite or trying to make me feel good, my semi-Aspie father and I were once visiting my mother in the hospital and when we were leaving said "wow, ALL the nurses were checking you out". I literally did not see anything that would make me believe it!

I think half my problem is that going back online it is warping my perception of women in general. They are just as human as us guys but you would not think it if you focused solely on online dating. On free sites women are arrogant, rude, condescending, etc and it took me a while to realize how nervous, insecure, etc they actually were on dates. What I have tried doing is trying some new activities (like Volleyball tonight; it's not because of my skill ) and not turning down any reasonable invitations. I am going on a out-of-town trip with one of my ex's married friends and a few others and was invited to their Halloween party and instead of sitting on the sidelines will get an over-the-top costume. Where in the past I would usually find an excuse not to go I told her "sign me up!" the second I got the invite. Who knows whether my future Wife will be there but getting more men and women to see what a likeable and genuine person I am isn't a bad thing. The hardest part is undoing all the childhood conditioning where I was humiliated mercilessly at parties or social events but I just keep telling myself I am dealing with mature adults.

Lastly, there are two married women at work that seemed to take to me instantly. I could never understand why until I met their husbands. Can you say stereotypical Aspies? As far as I know and can tell both are VERY happily married and they are great fathers and partners.

To play the devil's advocate, though, what makes you trust his perception more than your own? Sure, it's possible that they were checking you out and you didn't notice. But isn't it also possible that your friend misinterpreted their interest as sexual when it wasn't? Guys mistake friendliness for flirting all the time and there can be other reasons why they looked at you. How can you be so sure your friend was right and you were wrong? Your father's remark only adds a little weight, since he's hardly an unbiased observer.

I ask myself the same question ALL. THE. TIME. My answer (to myself) is that I have heard this again, and again, and again from unrelated people. Most of the guys (and girls) who make that statement have been in successful relationships if not married so they obviously know more than I do. I commented a few times in the past that it was just friendliness but they were insistent it was flirting, almost laughing at my naivety. What I DO find really puzzling is that I have had a few women in long term relationships blatantly hit on me to the point even I knew they were being more than friendly. I still can't figure out why

Even if I do notice a woman/women giving me attention (which is rare) I personally have no idea what the difference is. For example, at work a group of women my age (not coworkers) were all commenting, smiling, laughing, etc on how I was their hero, knight, etc because I fixed a building issue they were having. I still don't know if that was flirting and that is why I remain single. Finally, a number of married women at work pretty much came out and told me how attractive I was when I dress up and one even said that women find a tall, well dressed guy "irresistible".

Of course I should also add that nearly every male will usually make the statement "no man has or ever will figure out a woman" to which I always reply "that may be, but at least you were able to figure out enough to get (and stay) married!" I suppose that is the most frustrating thing of all: I simply do not know when to trust my instincts even though outside of relationships/flirting they are usually dead on. Again, I'm not terribly concerned if it is not sexual since I get along well with women in general but it would be nice to at least be able to pick up on who likes me as a friend. A girl this summer called me a friend and I had NO IDEA she had ANY feelings towards me at all. Again, I sound like a broken record but I believe this is due to the horrific bullying I had to endure as a teenager. If a woman was interested I usually put my shield up and tried to figure out how she was trying to scam me because she obviously could not be attracted to me. It's tough to undo the damage of years being told how ugly, unattractive, etc you are and accept you are pretty decent looking.

OK, good answer, I'll pay that. Looks like you really do have some evidence behind this and perhaps you are, indeed, fairly attractive to women, which would certainly help! Perhaps your height makes them take notice of you more readily. I don't have that kind of evidence for myself, unfortunately.

Yeah, this is very true for me. When I first realised how poorly I understood how women "work", my natural reaction was to try to improve my understanding. After all, that seemed to work for everything else! I just assumed that others understand this better. But recently I'm starting to think that they really don't understand much more than I do. And yet somehow, they still manage to function within the system (society) as if they understand. This baffles and frustrates me to no end!

That's what puzzles me. I have said again and again I generally get along GREAT with women. In fact, I once went on a trip with a couple of them and we stayed in the same room in a hostel. I can imagine not too many women would be comfortable doing that with someone they barely knew. I would prefer to be around women over men any day but the fact is most of my older hockey buddies ARE married and I am single. They tell me all the time that women are 'crazy' and 'cannot be understood' but I wonder how much of that is just dressing room talk. Again, they aren't exactly racing to get divorced.

I guess it is just like the last girl I slept with. I had NO IDEA how insecure she was and how shocked I was to hear she thought *I* was too good for HER. I guess this is another of those Aspie things. Sure, I may still be clueless about some things, yet I have managed to last 7 years at the same job. Hopefully I will figure out this relationship thing and show what a loving and affectionate guy I can be.

Well I feel I'm learning to not let A.S. stop me as much as before, try to seek out help with Dating Coaches OP, that's what I have been doing

My problem is that all women are strangers. I mean that literally. There is not a single woman in my social circle, work environment, etc. I don't talk to strangers. It's not that I'm shy or afraid, it's just that I don't like talking to people unless they're someone I already care about. For me, talking is about the exchange of information. If I see a stranger and feel that they know something I need to know, I have no problem walking up to them and asking. Likewise, if I feel I know something that the stranger needs to know, I have no problem walking up and telling them. The problem is with strangers, I don't know enough about them to know if I need to tell or ask them anything so that leaves small talk for any kind of interaction which I avoid.

Before I had even heard of Aspergers, I remember being at a wedding reception several years ago and seeing another girl there I found attractive. I didn't know anything about her so I didn't know what to talk to her about so I didn't say anything. Someone suggested I ask her about her job and as a conversation starter. I just remember thinking that was a dumb idea because regardless of what she said, the information in and of itself would be useless. Again that was before I knew about Aspergers so even I thought that line of thought was weird.

since men have to make the first move and be the initiators, this often doesn't come natural to those of us with Aspergers or takes longer to learn, master