Rethinking Me ....

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I'm 42, mother of 6, and married to a man with a professional diagnosis of "mild Aspergers". The thing is, though, the more I learn about it, and the longer he and I live together, the more I wonder about ... me.

When I described some of the social traits to my mother yesterday, she said, "Your FATHER! That's where you girls get it." What she's talking about is the fact that both my younger sister and I *both* have children diagnosed with Aspergers. Out of her four, only her daughter does not have it. Out of my six, my seven year old son has a diagnosis and we suspect the five year old boy and two year old girl both have it. What are the odds unless we're carrying it in our genes?

Whenever I talk to Mom about problems my husband and son have, she brings up the "weird" stuff I did as a child. It seems my father used to complain to her that, if she didn't get me into playgroups, I'd grow up antisocial. So Mom took me to playgroups and preschool - and I refused to play with other children. I'd sit in a corner and read. I've never stopped that. I don't do well in groups bigger than ... two.

And my husband is quick to point out that *I* am the one in our marriage who carries ear plugs with me everywhere (how can people deal with all the sound out there?), that I can't sleep on a regular pillow (must be feather. must, must, must be feather - how did I ever sleep before I discovered feather pillows and duvets?), that I must have THREE different tastes/textures/heats on my fork with every bite (hot potatoes, creamy gravy, a bit of cold pickle ...), that I panic if certain things aren't done the way I've always done them (my way is right, that's why), that I never, ever, ever, ever finish the last bit of food on my plate or drink in my glass (last mouthful is icky. I don't know why), that I cannot tolerate the sound of a ticking clock at all, or any other repetitious noise (like the stupid sounds on many video games that just repeats until I scream).

And while he has trained himself to look people in the eyes, I just can't do it. I look at mouths when people are talking to me so that I seem polite. I also do NOT play. Mom says I never have. She'd send me outside to "get some sunshine and play" and I'd smuggle out a book and hide somewhere to read. My grandmother was great for letting me come to her house and read when Mom did that!

He loves computer games and I think they're a colossal waste of time and energy and thought. I'd rather be online researching, collecting information on cooking (I'm an amazing 100% from scratch cook!) or living off-grid, farming without chemicals, etc. The internet is like the most amazingly huge library and I can't find enough time to get all the information. (And I admit that part of me is scared that if I, personally, don't gather it all together, it will all be lost forever.) My "thing" is self-sufficiency and all that that entails, and it has been for decades.

And he reminds me that although I'm really good at knowing exactly how HE should dress and look in order to make a good impression, my clothing is ... well, I wear my hair in a bun and I have five dresses. I have one for hot days, two for cold days, one for church/town. They are all in dark green/blue shades that I know look good on me (because a friend picked out the fabrics). They are easily handwashed and dry in an hour by the stove. I don't have to THINK about clothes, and no one can anymore tell me that I know nothing about fashion because I very clearly do not care about being fashionable.

But ... I *am* 42. There is a lot about me that would have been true as a child or teen but I've learned to deal with it. My favourite tv character used to be Spock, not because he was emotionless but because he had learned to shut down outward sign of his emotions. I could relate to him. As an adult, I'm much better at, at least, showing "happy" which is what people like. I don't get bitter about that. I accept that most people are self-centered, and that's okay with me. Why do I need a hundred friends? I have my husband. And books.

So I noticed that people here have "Aspie scores" and I went to look. On http://www.aspergerstestsite.com/ I got a 38, which they said means I would likely get an Aspie diagnosis. And this one: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php also put me as "Neurodiverse", which seems to be the same as Aspie.

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now.

Hey DoomNGloom welcome.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

guys. she joined 2 years ago..

i like to carry earplugs around too. used to own a nice shooting range pair but i lost them. very useful. i also did not play much as a kid. i stayed inside and reinforced my reputation as a voracious reader, when everyone else was playing i;d take a simple walk, at most.

you seem to fit the bill. have you considered a professional diagnosis any time? i hear lots of stories of adults who suddenly find a lot about themselves when they get a diagnosis but it seems like you're already doing that.

be well.