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Should I keep trying with him?
Yes 32%  32%  [ 7 ]
No 68%  68%  [ 15 ]
Total votes : 22

Aspiegf08
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05 Oct 2014, 11:46 am

Hi! I am so glad to have found this discussion board. I am a Rehabilitation Counselor and work with individuals with Aspergers Syndrome near daily. However, I have never dated one before and I am learning it's a whole different world. I am very attracted to him, we are in our Midtwenties, and I can tell he is attracted to me too. He hasn't ever really learned about his Aspergers until recently and hasn't dated for over 4 years. His major relationships ended badly. My last relationship also ended badly and I now know I developed some insecurities from it.

I have a strong personality and stand up for myself. The guy I am seeing has an explosive temper. I have called him on it and he says he doesn't know why he explodes with me, he says he hasn't done that with anybody else. We almost called things off yesterday because we started to have almost daily conflict. The weirdest things really irritate him. He got a kitten this week and I asked him what the kittens personality was like and he WENT OFF saying a kitten doesn't have a personality and doesn't get why I asked that question. Things like that. I rely like him but I can't handle this if he keeps exploding. I am now seeing yesterday as a come to Jesus moment and realize that a lot of chit chat doesn't work well with him but we are just getting to know each other so I'm not sure what to do.

How do I reconcile my need not to feel emotionally abused with his explosive word vomit sometimes and how he interprets some of my questions like above? I want this to work and think it can but he doesn't accommodate my insecurities. When I told him I'm trying to accommodate his needs, he should accommodate mine, that's when he states that he wondered if this is too much work. Neither of us have had this rocky of a start to dating. We aren't "committed" but we are interested in only each other.

Help!



FireyInspiration
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05 Oct 2014, 12:08 pm

Have you successfully treated clients that have had similar tempers? If so, you may want to (subtly) start treating him in a similar way. Has he attempted to seek help in any way?



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05 Oct 2014, 12:28 pm

I know its different when working with a client and a person you are in a relationship with, but ultimately there is no difference in how to evaluate behavior.

I think there are 'kinds' of Aspie or ASD in general, differences. Some are benign, and don't hurt anything. Some might even be better in a way then typical NT ways. And some are negative or even destructive to relationships.

If a person has a destructive negative trait, whether ASD or NT, it has to be either fixed or you let them go. You give them a fair chance, by identifying it, and your problem with it, but then its up to them to fix. Its not your problem, and don't let them make it yours. After identifying it, then you have to be very firm.

You have to allow a little time for things to sink in, but only in the case where someone does a relatively fast positive response and goes whole heartedly into fixing their problem, and has success, would I continue with that person. Otherwise make the break.

I can't answer your question, other than to say if you have already tried and he doesn't get it, then no, don't try anymore.



Dantac
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05 Oct 2014, 12:37 pm

sounds like bipolar to me.



dilanger
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05 Oct 2014, 1:38 pm

Explosive temper = me

After a break up he will realize how he acted and ask for forgiveness. That might take a week or months. By that time you may have already moved on.

His temper is linked to frustration and or social over load. Having a GF and constantly being in boy friend mode is taxing on his ability to peruse his special interests.

Here is a personal question. How long has it been since you had sex? Seriously, this might be the problem why he is snapping at you all the time and feels bad asking for it as if he was entitled to it. That alone creates fear that he thinks himself as a jerk and now its manifesting into anger.



Aspiegf08
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05 Oct 2014, 2:38 pm

Thank you all for your responses thus far.

I personally think that he just doesn't realize how much his explosive temper is hurtful and I think he will in time. I just really don't want to lose him in the mean time. He is a really great guy but he does have certain fixations and strong pet peeves and it appears I have found a lot of them recently. I think part of it is me keeping these in mind as I will also have to change my behavior some to date someone with Aspergers, I know that.

In regards to sex, we have been dating a little over a month and had sex two weeks ago so I don't think that's it.

I'm not sure why he says that I cause him to explode unlike he has with anybody else. I kind kf think that he just doesn't remember that he exploded as he hasn't dated in over four years or hasn't been called out on it. But I'm not going to just sit by and take it. I have been abused physically sexually and verbally in previous relationships so I'm very strict about that.

I just want to understand why he is exploding and what I can do. It's so confusing. We have a great time together when in person it's just all communication over the phone. I have told him that he is 1000x more gentle in person and he says he is the same, I just interpret it differently so I'm not sure what to do with that.

Since we aren't committed yet I can't exactly break up with him but I'm afraid of letting him go and him not coming back because I really do like him.

I have a new outlook on things since doing more research and processing my thoughts and feelings A LOT over the past 24 hours. Haven't heard from him today but I'm guessing he is just taking his alone time, which is perfectly fine ;)



Aspiegf08
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05 Oct 2014, 2:41 pm

dilanger wrote:
Explosive temper = me

After a break up he will realize how he acted and ask for forgiveness. That might take a week or months. By that time you may have already moved on.

His temper is linked to frustration and or social over load. Having a GF and constantly being in boy friend mode is taxing on his ability to peruse his special interests.

Here is a personal question. How long has it been since you had sex? Seriously, this might be the problem why he is snapping at you all the time and feels bad asking for it as if he was entitled to it. That alone creates fear that he thinks himself as a jerk and now its manifesting into anger.


I think it is probably social overload. He works an 80 hour week and talks to me at work but then when he goes home he spends time on his computer. Which is fine. At first it bothered me that he would just disappear at night to video games and this was a conflict we had. He said he would get better at saying goodnight but then never did and I just got used to him disappearing at night. I'm okay with this.

We don't see each other except once on the weekends right now or maybe every other week because of how our work schedules align. So most of our communication is over text and I know that has its own issues.

I'm just so confused lol.



aspiemike
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05 Oct 2014, 10:25 pm

If he works 80 hour weeks, then he likely will have problems managing his time away from work. I go nuts when I can't properly manage my time and take time to do something I really enjoy (ie. try and help out other relationships on this forum when given the chance, read some books, do some writing, watch a movie, etc). Of course, If I don't get my time for bible study and worship, I will be less happy as well. The worse my time management is, the lower my mood level.


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06 Oct 2014, 12:18 pm

An 80 hour week is very taxing and probably even more so to an ASD person. The kind of thing that can really have them at the ragged edge. Not really a good time to evaluate with finality, a person's behavior/responses. But you can still insist on some basic politeness, and stand your ground against abusive talk.

If it was me I would try and impress on them that I knew they were stressed and that I was not the enemy, and on their side. But I would also say I couldn't live with being treated badly. I would try to do things to help but also require them not to go overboard with me. Its a two way deal of treating each other as something sacred in the world, and not to be criticized or offended casually or habitually.

That it only occurs on the phone is curious. Is that really true? I am not sure about how common it is but I have heard other ASD people mention not liking talking on the phone. I know it is true for me, unless there is nothing else going on and I am in private time and relaxed. If I am in the middle of work, chores, or doing something in town, etc, it is a stressful distraction. Multitasking does not come easy to men perhaps and ASD people even less. For me, multiple calls in a short period of time is the worst. Unless that is my task at the moment, having multiple calls and I can focus totally on it. Choosing when and if to call may help reduce some of it.



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06 Oct 2014, 11:48 pm

Aspiegf08 wrote:
Hi! I am so glad to have found this discussion board. I am a Rehabilitation Counselor and work with individuals with Aspergers Syndrome near daily. However, I have never dated one before and I am learning it's a whole different world. I am very attracted to him, we are in our Midtwenties, and I can tell he is attracted to me too. He hasn't ever really learned about his Aspergers until recently and hasn't dated for over 4 years. His major relationships ended badly. My last relationship also ended badly and I now know I developed some insecurities from it.

I have a strong personality and stand up for myself. The guy I am seeing has an explosive temper. I have called him on it and he says he doesn't know why he explodes with me, he says he hasn't done that with anybody else. We almost called things off yesterday because we started to have almost daily conflict. The weirdest things really irritate him. He got a kitten this week and I asked him what the kittens personality was like and he WENT OFF saying a kitten doesn't have a personality and doesn't get why I asked that question. Things like that. I rely like him but I can't handle this if he keeps exploding. I am now seeing yesterday as a come to Jesus moment and realize that a lot of chit chat doesn't work well with him but we are just getting to know each other so I'm not sure what to do.

How do I reconcile my need not to feel emotionally abused with his explosive word vomit sometimes and how he interprets some of my questions like above? I want this to work and think it can but he doesn't accommodate my insecurities. When I told him I'm trying to accommodate his needs, he should accommodate mine, that's when he states that he wondered if this is too much work. Neither of us have had this rocky of a start to dating. We aren't "committed" but we are interested in only each other.

Help!


If you aren't "worth any work" then it seems to me that your happiness isn't as valuable to him as it should be. If you are willing to compensate and he isn't, then he doesn't deserve a relationship with you. Simply because he has Asperger's doesn't excuse him for being a jerk and yelling at someone every day for benign stuff like "what is the kitten's personality". There are plenty of other people with his condition that care enough about their partners to make an effort and try to be understanding. We may have trouble not correcting people and we may have sensory issues but if a person with HFA or Asperger's is blowing up on someone for reasons like that then that person is simply a jerk.


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androbot01
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08 Oct 2014, 9:29 am

Aspiegf08 wrote:
The weirdest things really irritate him. He got a kitten this week and I asked him what the kittens personality was like and he WENT OFF saying a kitten doesn't have a personality and doesn't get why I asked that question.


Well, that's just ridiculous! Of course cats have personalities! Has he never had a pet before?

Anyway, regardless . . . this is not something to be going off about. He needs to learn how to express himself in a more appropriate manner. And I don't think you should change your behaviour to accommodate his bad behaviour.



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28 Oct 2014, 5:41 am

I think his explosion over the kitten question was due to his preference for dealing in facts, plus a common Aspie trait of despising "small talk" and "cuteness". Probably the emotion he expressed was merely stronger-sounding than it felt to you. However, it's unlikely that asking him to do some of the relationship work will ever work, unless you're willing to wait years. He probably has no idea how things make you feel so he can't anticipate any reactions to what he says. I am trying to let go of an Aspie guy who thinks I did something terrible to his privacy, when it was a matter of him not being able to understand different perspectives on a topic. He said he "doesn't care" how I feel- and I guess he doesn't as he doesn't know about other's feelings. He won't apologise either because he thinks I have done the bad thing, not him. That's what you have to look forward to. It is very tough and you should decide if you want to do all your own emotional back up as you won't get it from him until he has learned AND accepted that your feelings matter. :?



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28 Oct 2014, 9:54 am

i didn't read all you said but from what i got maybe you should just let it be...go in passive mode ..he should try to do some changes to himself

i had an explosive temper once and it was because i wasn't actually satisfied with that guy, but i thought i couldn't get anything better...... i'm not saying that you are in the situation too though but also explosive temper can be caused by insecurities

just a thought


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