"Typical" relationship is too difficult.

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Okay, well...I'm sure there have been other topics such as this one, but I want to pose a specific question.

I'd like to mention that I had a relationship last almost two years, that being the longest one I've ever been in. The majority of it was long distance and during the time it was, sometimes we would not speak for days to a week at a time, and did not visit each other physically at all. It's a long story as to why, but I doubt it was preferable to him. I, however, was happy. I had plenty of time to myself to focus on my interests. We ended up breaking up on good terms and remained friends.

My problems with a relationship are these; "Normal" people in a relationship expect you to want to speak to them often, and if possible, spend time together almost every day. This is a huge problem for me. Being that social with anyone, regardless of how much I care about them, is intensely draining to me. I have barely any energy left to put into my artwork and interests, and it upsets me greatly. It entirely messes up my schedule and confuses me to no end. The positive that I gain from this type of relationship is far outweighed by the negative. I end up feeling like I'm wasting my time, just to end up breaking a "normal" person's heart because they do not view relationships the same way I do. I'd much rather be alone and never have a "significant other" than to end up "cursed" with having a continuous series of relationships like this. My question:

Should I just give up on relationships and wait until I come across another non-NT, aspie, or just plain weird person who has the same interests and type of social issues as me? This seems like what I have to do. What do the people of WP think?

Well, if you wish to have relationships, then giving up on relationships is out of the question.

I would suggest continuing to have relationships, and standing your ground, in a very upfront manner, about your need for time alone.

The bad news is that this means that you will have many, many relationships fail-- BUT THAT'S OK. That's the same process everyone has to go through in order to find relationships with the kind of people that work for them.

The good news is that, sooner or later, you will find people who are also introverted, who also need or enjoy having a great deal of time to themselves, or at least who understand your need and do not take it personally. You have to turn over a lot of rocks to find them, but once you do they're priceless.

Well, see, I have no issue with being alone. Close relationships are not something I require, but it does get a bit lonely. I enjoy having someone to talk to. That's my main thing. Honestly I think it is worth all the loneliness in the world to just wait around until I meet an equally introverted odd person. That's probably just what I will do. I'm sure a number of those will not work out either, but oh well. That's the plan.

Im almost like this. I find it absurd to continue a conversation longer than maybe 15 minutes. I'm more of a 'are the words over? c'mon here 'n snuggle' person. I like my alone-time and I give others their own time. Its almost like one's personal space type of rule for me.

Sadly, like you, it seems that the only people I meet require incessant talking to. I don't mind if there's a purpose to the talking but ... geez... I don't see how people stay on the phone for hours talking about absolute nonsense. I see that kind of talk in the same light some people see television's effect on kids... the hypnotoad effect.

Yeah. Usually if it is a topic I have great interest in, I can talk for just as long as a normal person. But if the time spent talking is about something that honestly doesn't matter one way or the other, I can't stand it.

I've found over the years that while a topic one has interest in will keep you more 'into' having a long conversation... it is not really the reason why I can have longer than 15 minute conversations with someone. The real reason is the topic selections not changing at random or spinning off into wild direction... staying 'on the general subject of the initial conversation' is the best way I'd put it. NT's seem to have this... psychotic compulsion... to change subjects without warning, reason or rhyme. How does a conversation change from discussing the middle east to the mating habits of the blue whale? Then to a reality tv show?

If the conversation stays on the general subject at the very least the 15 minutes can stretch to an hour or two but even stretching that far is mentally draining. The more emotional/social content the subject has the faster it tires me.

"The area dividing the brain and the soul is affected in many ways by experience.

Some lose all mind and become soul:
Insane.

Some lose all soul and become mind:
Intellectual.

Some lose both and become:
Accepted."

-Charles Bukowski, Lifedance

Go FWB.

Or even just Friend.

My closest friend, that I sometimes see very frequently & other times not for weeks/months, is also on the spectrum. We share a number of common interests and can hang out an talk about them/partake in them for hours on end. I truly thoroughly enjoy spending time with him, but we don't have a relationship relationship. While I do still have a bit of a crush on him, he doesn't have those sort of feelings for me, and so we just have our friendship.. but what a friendship! It's awesome having a similarly quirky friend with mutual interests. I'd rather hang out and have a smoke with him and chat about life or various interests than get laid - and I have literally turned down sex multiple times w/ FWB's over the years just to hang out with him. My point is you don't necessarily need to find romance with someone similar to yourself as you can get a whole lot of awesome benefits from just having a friend like that that you click with like no one else.

So, yeah.. be open to finding a romantic partner for sure, but also be open to just letting an amazing friend into your life - you might even like it better. There's no "relationship" pressures to contact each other all the time or spend time together all the time etc. Sometimes we're both free and into hanging out with each other daily, other times one or both of us is busy due to different work/school/life schedules and we don't see each other for weeks or months. There was also a time where I was in a terrible frame of mind and avoided him so as not to burden him with me and my problems at the time.. while he simultaneously avoided me for the same reasons at that time. Ups and downs like most any good long term friendship, and no expectations that we have to keep in daily or weekly contact or anything of the sort.. just the ability to click & enjoy each others company whenever we cross paths. Maybe you'll happen across someone that you click with as friends like that easier than you'll find someone that you click with like that AND have a mutual romantic attraction. So, just be open to the possibility of that, too, vs. only looking for a boyfriend. Had I only been looking for a boyfriend and not a friend if we weren't mutually attracted to one another, then I wouldn't have him as the friend he is in my life and that wouldn't be very awesome at all.

That depends on how much the OP needs sex, or if she ever needs it.

I would go this route myself, problem is, most women want something serious/to get married here.

This topic kind of interests me. I'm puzzled about a girl (probably neurodiverse) that seemed to have a preference for meeting once a month for maybe half-an-hour, even if we could have met a lot more often than that. It wasn't really that she didn't like me, rather that seemed to be her preference.

You don't necessarily have to see him every day. Even if you just see him every weekend, then that should be enough. You can still organise with him that you need some time alone as well.

""Normal" people in a relationship expect you to want to speak to them often, and if possible, spend time together almost every day"

REALLY? Well that makes me feel better about myself because I expect to see my boyfriend at least once a week and 2 to 3 times a week would be my desired amount of time. I always thought I was too clingy, but now I realize that I am really not and my aspie hook-up was the one that was 'different' in this area.

That's pretty reasonable, I would be happy to see them every weekend. It's when you don't get to see them for up to month at a time that it get's a bit much, even for an aspie.

Yes. At one point i didn't see my hookup/boyfriend for 3 weeks while we lived 15 minutes apart. Sorry but I just cannot handle that.

Seems like I'm pretty normal then.

Meeting once a week would be ok, but stretching it to a month is just over my comfort limit too. But then it was this girl that inspired several of the relationship and contact issues in the new Aspie Quiz. Without her, I'd probably have no clue on several of them.

The problem with most relationships, I find, these days people base them entirely on what should happen and what they expect, rather than what they want. And they don't communicate those things, they just expect them to know these things. (This isn't specific to either gender) I've dated women who want to talk to me for 8 hours a day everyday and throw emotional fits when I put my phone down to watch a movie, and I've dated women who get pissed off because I texted hi, and the pressure to reply was too much, even having not talked for 48 hours. One woman will say I'm a clinger and the next will say I'm distant. Either way, a relationship isn't smothering each other in mushy love 24/7 and validating each other constantly.

You really shouldn't give up, relationships are awesome, it's a matter of finding someone who's needs match yours and you communicating them. I failed on the latter part every time, and it only stressed both me and her out.