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fract
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16 Oct 2014, 6:41 pm

Hello, everyone. I've known of this site for some time but hadn't registered until now.

It's really awkward to live in this world. I'm 36 years old, depressed, weird (I'm told), apathetic, single, and an accomplished PhD student at a top U.S. university.

One thing that I find especially weird is that people around me can't seem to decide how I'm weird. They can't even read the weirdness. Some think I'm the most extroverted person they know, delightful, friendly, social. Some others think I'm shy, quiet, reclusive, blunt, polarizing, difficult. For an Aspie, I'm what some would describe "high functioning", however I think that is an ugly term.

I think it's pretty clear that both my dad and his dad are aspies. My sisters are "normal".

I only discovered the existence of AS around ten years ago when a school doctor mentioned it to me. I got the diagnosis in 2006 (which was costly). It's weird - it seems to explain some things, especially to others, but after all, I am just me, AS is just one way to describe some parts of me.

I've been quite lonely and depressed for most of my life and it has continued through my grad studies. I have some friends but I don't see them often - I usually communicate with people using different chats. I love to travel but as a student can't afford to - before I went to grad school I was working and could afford it. Because I travel alone, I take a lot of photos so I can share the journey with my family and friends afterwards.

As an aspie, it's ok to be interested in cool things, right? Some of my interests are quantum mechanics, science in general, airplanes, spaceflight, programming, controversies (part of my research, actually), fractals, and so on. People say it's useless information, but I think it's great to know details about everything, so in new situations you can form at least some kind of conceptual framework around things to help you accommodate new things.

Some of my friends say they can't understand why I'm single. After all, they say I'm sensible, caring, smart and nice. I've had some girlfriends before but I haven't found many that I would actually date, they are so far in between. I'd still like to get married, start a family, have kids and so on - that's pretty normal, huh? I just don't know what to do about it. I feel like the "right" way of living is to share it with someone, with constant flow of communication - exchange of ideas and discussing everyday matters and everything else. Thus, I'd like to find a companion. How difficult can it be?

I just wanted to share these things with you, fellow aspies. I don't have people to whom I could open up like this. To my therapist, perhaps, but he is just... a therapist.

Feel free to comment if this matches your experience in some way. :D

Oh, I love cats. But not ponies.



Kiprobalhato
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16 Oct 2014, 6:57 pm

first, i understand how those around you seem to be unable to make up their mind about how you are 'weird", how to give you labels when you cannot be read. "weird" is a very vague term with lots of conflicting meanings when when i am called that i don't know how to register it, as positive, delightful eccentricism or plain madness with a touch of belittlement.

i relate to having others with conflicting opinions of me since i have no well-defined, particular "image" i think, do you know how i mean? i also quite apathetic and depressed most of the time and i do not often have true fun these times but i feel that it is common at this stage in peoples lives, at my adolescence. i don't have the great social skills i'd like in the real world so my social butterfly comes out here more than anywhere else.
i've felt like this, depressed, for a long time and i'm only now seeking help, but, eh, we will get over it one day, we will. i'm single too, always have been. perhaps someday.

i don't often get the chance, with no job and an unimpressive family income but i love to travel. i often go to mexico, i have relatives there and to see the "fiestas patronales". i've been to more states there than here in the US! where do you like to go? i want to go to, someday...russia or spain or vietnam. i love to take photos of the places i go to but well, i sometimes forget to charge my camera, or even bring it along!!

i appreciate how you open up like this, it's a great feeling. welcome to the site, fract. 8)


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cathylynn
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16 Oct 2014, 7:23 pm

cats are cool. what sort of controversies are you studying? welcome.



RoadRatt
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16 Oct 2014, 7:39 pm

Hey fract welcome. :sunny:


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fract
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16 Oct 2014, 8:24 pm

Thanks for friendly replies!

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to somehow tag people...

Kiprobalhato: I have traveled almost everywhere in Europe and many places in USA, and a bit elsewhere. I like Las Vegas because I like the buffets (ha!) and it's a very easy city to visit. In Europe, I like Brussels for much the same reasons - food, easiness, cheap prices.

Somehow I feel that being different is OK, as long as you are different in a way that others understand and approve of. That way people can claim to be tolerant while at the same time they are forcing people into predefined categories.

CathyLynn: Controversies sometimes get blown up into ridiculous size (like the recent GamerGate thing). I think studying how these things are born would make me understand breakdown of usual discourse rules and perhaps to learn how to cope with sensitive subjects myself. I've also been involved with lgbt activism, partly because I think it is the right thing, partly because I think it is a controversial subject.


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AQ: 37
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 146 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 71 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


SpirosD
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16 Oct 2014, 9:40 pm

Hello and welcome to Wrong Planet, I'm also kind of new (signed up 2 weeks ago)
Hey I like to travel also and I have traveled a lot also, all of Europe (I live in Europe), Russia, Japan, Korea, China and have lived in the USA in L.A mostly for work.
And would like to know more about your researches about controversies, sounds very interesting.


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fract
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17 Oct 2014, 2:34 pm

SpirosD, there are many sides to it. I've read some research articles about online controversies and would like to somehow help people to avoid them and/or to cope with them.

Anyway, it happens so that I do my work pretty much alone, and I am someone who feels like everything should be done with somebody because otherwise you miss the natural flux of ideas that should be part of all endeavors.

Oh, and it would be nice to feel good about being a student, soon to be a doctor, and a researcher. I like it but don't necessarily feel good about it.



Kiprobalhato
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17 Oct 2014, 2:58 pm

i like las vegas too. 300 miles away from me, aside from the massive waves of people, the shimmering lights, the beautiful fountains and just so many things to do, it's great. have you been to Hungary? i want to go there someday as well. (in fact, my username is Hungarian! without the diacritics. but it means "Try-able") and yes, the buffets!

i agree with you on how most endeavors should be shared with someone, but like you i am a solitary worker for the time being...

i am a student right now...good luck on your path to being a doctor. it's a very good profession. :thumleft:


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הייתי צוללת עכשיו למים
הכי, הכי עמוקים
לא לשמוע כלום
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וזה הכל אהובי, זה הכל.


fract
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17 Oct 2014, 3:17 pm

Yes, I visited Budapest and Lake Balaton briefly in 2000. Europe is a bit weird because there are so many different countries. Also at that point there was still normal border control in effect and euro had not yet been adopted, so it was inconvenient. Now it would be easier. Also, every country has its own language, and there is no universal common language - not everyone speaks English. Or German.

And actually, I'll be a PhD, not an MD. :-)