He keeps wanting breaks all the time

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This isn't the first time since we partly moved in together.

We have a strange arrangement in that I take my suitcase to his every Sunday and go home on Friday, because I can't officially "live" there as it will affect his benefits.

Anyway he keeps saying he wants breaks when things get too much, I recently had a psychotic episode so I could understand it more then although I did feel let down that he didn't want me around and couldn't support me when I most needed it.

He said today he needed more time to himself as he's been overdoing it with things and needed time to clear his head. I feel hurt and confused and don't know where I stand with him. He doesn't understand how I feel and he feels I'm taking it personally whereas I see it as taking it how anyone else would. I told him to break up with me if he couldn't cope with me to which he got upset about and told me he didn't want that. He puts everything down to aspergers but I don't know how much is that and how much is him.

How long of a break is he needing?


It is a huge step to be living with someone for 5-6 days a week.

It's important that he support you when you most need it but..... if that means living together for that many days a week, then your needs are being addressed while his need for more space is not.

Perhaps if he had more alone time in the regular schedule he would be more able to cope with your need for support during difficult times.
I absolutely need a lot more solitary time than time with others.

when you are there are you two constantily together or doing things on your own?
I found that i couldn't stand the together all the time cuddling. I wasn't able to do any of my regular things, just watch movies and cuddle.

I wonder what he means by breaks. for me it could be as simple as doing seperate things next to each other or maybe going to a separate room for a while.

a break doesn't have to mean breaking up. it means different things to every person.

its a challange. I really love cuddling for hours and having someone around. but its something that worries me if i ever get a gf. finding a balance. perhaps that is what is happening with you and him. just needing to balance it out.

I don't believe his need for space is totally aspergers related, and i believe it is only a minor part to do with it. Handling daily life can be pretty stressful as it is, especially with the world being very hectic and fast and demanding. Time for space and to calm down is essential for just about anyone I know, and this man is no different to that. The problem here sounds like it lies in how he communicates this need to you or how you interpret it. Have you found anything you can do to enjoy yourself when he needs his down time?

As for supporting you when you need it. Have you been able to effectively communicate when you need his support and care? and how you need his support? I don't know of many women who are in relationships that like sticking around a man that doesn't know how to support their woman when she needs it most.

ehugs.

I should have added when I say benefits I mean social security benefits in the uk.

Lately I've been more in the "just dump 'em" pattern in my responses. That's still my first instinct in this case, but let's be fair. We all have our issues here, myself included.

Yes, we all need our "breaks." The longer the relationship progresses, the more time you're going to spend together. As someone with children, my "break" every day is about an hour after my wife gets off work. I can go hide in the bedroom, waste time posting to wrong planet, catching up on news, etc. After that it's dinner and bedtime. I've also managed my time to keep my kids busy doing enrichment activities, homework, reading, playing outside (time permitting), and so on. So basically I can keep everyone out of my hair if I really want to (I don't, but it's an option). My wife hates this, btw, because she feels like she's just going from one job to another. I've explained that AT LEAST she has a job that has a definite start/end time, whereas my role as caregiver doesn't end EVER. She might not admit it, but the change at the end of the day allows some time to mentally and physically rest from the steady 8+-hour activity she spends every day providing for us. For me, it's that one (1) hour away from the kids that lets me refresh/reboot, after which I'm pretty much at her beck and call.

It's really just going to depend on the person. Obviously I'm not quite as affected as some others might be. But I won't lie and tell you to expect some improvement over time. You have to either accept it as is or no deal. I like to think that the relationship will grow on him, he'll be more comfortable with you spending more time together, and so on. Just don't put a timetable on it and be patient. If that is too difficult for you, perhaps moving on is best.

And no, I'm not laying down a challenge with "too difficult." One of the hardest things to do in life is looking in the mirror and confessing to yourself "I just can't do this." Making peace with "I can't" is one of the best feelings in the world because you'll fall back on things "I CAN" do and be happy. There's no shame in that. I always wanted to be a fast runner, weight lifter, and football player so I'd be popular in high school. Being the one guy playing clarinet isn't the epitome of manliness or cool. On the other hand, I got a full ride to college for the first four years, survived as a music major, got a master's degree in composition, and have two awesome kids who seem to be following in my footsteps for the time being. Letting go of "I can't" leads to grabbing onto "AWESOME." How much more true this is for relationships!

I have similar issues. Even if I like someone, I can't spend too much time with them, even virtual time like with skype. I hope people don't take it personally, but I understand they can't help it. Just understand, it's his condition and probably not you.

Children could be a problem too, since you can't take a break from them. The consequence can be a parent that seems "distant" and uninvolved most of the time, and that's not good.

Okay PassionFlowers.

I broke up with my gf friend because she would not let me go for a week because she said the same thing. "I can't see why he can't carry on what he does with me there"

Like me he is trying his best around you to be on his best behavior. It was very hard for me to handle my GF when she has a fit and I was always conscious of what I said not to throw her into one.

He is walking on eggs around you...he is nervous and anxious. Let him rest...PLEASE. Let him go for 1 week. 1 weeks only. Let him sleep and regain his energy.

You both can text and call but let him sleep and tell him that you are waiting for him and that you miss him.

This will probably make him come back earlier and or come back with more attention and love to you than ever before.

When he does ...get ready for a fun and wild night.

Do this. Let him rest. You will have that guy that you fell in love with on day one.

If he has to walk on eggs around you then there's something fundamentally wrong in the relationship.

Just remember he knew what he was taking on in the beginning. It would be a different story if you had keep something from him, but you didn't. So don't blame yourself for the brief separation, or let anyone hold you responsible. Maybe parting for a week every now and then, will do both of you and the relationship the world of good. Even so called 'regular couples' that don't have difficulties, could benefit from splitting up temporarily.