NT seeking some insight and advice.

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confusedNTthroaway
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19 Oct 2014, 6:09 pm

Sorry in advance for the wall of text. This is a modified post that I posted to reddit recently.

I'm hoping that this community might be able to offer some help with a situation I'm having. I'm a 27yo NT male and have been talking to a 30yo AS female. We met online and have been talking for around two or three months. During that time, we've talked almost daily and have had several really awesome dates. Having started talking to her and knowing that she had AS, I did a little research ahead of time to try and find the best ways to communicate and interact with certain situations. I haven't been able to find anything online that would really lend much insight on my current situation though.

Having talked online for a while, she agreed to meet me out of coffee. The hours melted away when talking to her. She said that we should hang out again. A few days after our first date, she went silent on me. I sent her a few texts but got nothing back. I did notice that she was active on the Instagram account she has for her dog but wouldn't reply to me. It made me feel pretty bad. When I eventually asked her if anything had changed and let her know that I was still interested in talking, she came back and said she was sorry for being MIA and that stress from her work was putting her in a bad mood. Once I got that message from her, she was back to texting me often and was ready to hang out again.

I met her out for a second date at a restaurant that she really likes and then went to a bar I knew across the street. We sat off to the side and just watched people. It was a really fun time. I found it really cool at the end of the night that she went in for a really passionate kiss. Didn't expect that and took it as a sign that she was in to me. She's been complimentary, telling me that I'm very attractive, funny, and great to be around. The next week she invited me over to her place to cook dinner and watch television. She seemed to really enjoy having me there and being somewhat physical. She texted me the next day saying that she had a great time and later on said that she was looking forward to more dates.

So, a few days after that night, she informed me that she was being let go of her job. I thought this might be the start of a roller coster of emotions. NT or AS, losing your job in a really big deal. I invited her out to have drinks or dinner, but she declined saying that she was going out with someone and would be crying all night, that she didn't want me to see her like that. She suggested another day and told me that I was great. We kept in touch that weekend and I offered up some help in finding a new job. She was appreciative of that and said that we could hang out sometime on Monday or Tuesday.

She invited me over to her place on Monday night. She told me that she was in a bad mood and that I probably wouldn't be able to help out, but that I shouldn't have to hold it against her. I offered to reschedule but she said to come on over. I got food to go and went over to see her. She was talking to me about how she felt invalidated by losing her job, but would talk to me about things she had around that I would find interesting, but would go back to talking about what she wanted to do in life. She made little comments that made me feel like she still was interested me. As the night ended, she told me thanks for coming over and that she was sorry for her mood. She gave me a hug and kiss and told me to text her later.

That's where things start confusing me. I sent her a text the following morning but got no response. I followed that up but still nothing. The next morning I told her good morning and she replied but when I asked how she was doing, nothing. I sent another message telling her that I hoped she was okay and asking if things were okay between us. Nothing. I have noticed that she's very active on her dog's Instagram account lately, same as the first time she went silent for a few days. I gave it a few days and reached back out, letting her know I was there for her and asking for any knowledge to where she was. Still nothing.

I'm wondering if anyone can offer any insight. Could this be a shutdown of sorts? I want to let her know I'm there for her but I feel like if I'm sending many messages with no response, it might seem pushy, annoying, or really strange. I do believe that she is (or was) interested in me but I'm not sure how to proceed. I like her very much and don't want to push her away. Any help or advice would be helpful here. Thank you!



AngelRho
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19 Oct 2014, 6:56 pm

She almost sounds like a fader. An especially brutal one since she made contact with you once already after doing the same thing.

Either she will get back to you in her own time, or she's a goner. This is not the sort of person I'd try to make it with long-term. All I can say is best of luck to you.

I wouldn't waste my time. Just send her 1 (one) message that you'll be around to talk to her whenever she wants. Wait for her to get back to you and carry on. I'd say give her two weeks if you're really into her, and if you hear nothing after that time, start looking for another date.



Jono
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19 Oct 2014, 7:07 pm

It could be a shutdown. It sounds like she's under a lot of stress, given that she's just lost her job.



aspiemike
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19 Oct 2014, 11:26 pm

If she just lost her job, her priorities will be focused on trying to sustain a living for herself and possibly to keep herself independent. As for the fader comment... That does sound like it could be happening as well. Typically i don't waste time on someone who is going to do the "silent" treatment on me early on. Whatever issues she has that is causing her to do that likely won't go away.


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Skilpadde
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19 Oct 2014, 11:36 pm

She sounds a lot like me really. If she's anything like me, then she is a person who needs a lot of space. A LOT.

I am very often slow in communicating with people in that way. Writing messages takes me a long time, because I put a lot of thought into it, and I wait to see if I have more to add.

It can easily take me weeks, sometimes even longer, to respond to non-face-to-face private communication, while in the mean time I will be active on the forums. There is absolutely nothing personal or malice or rejecting about it for me. It's just how it works out. I realize that it can be a turn-off for a lot of people, but that's just the way I am. If that's not enough for people, then we're better off not being in touch. It would drain me if I can't take it at my own pace. I have forced myself to do so at times, and it soon gets to be too much for me.
I cannot stress this enough: It's not personal at all.

Sometimes it takes me so long that I'm afraid of contacting them again, wondering if they are upset/ angry with me. Then I have sometimes needed prodding to come back. I am very bad at taking initiative.
I really wish people would truly understand this. It's a different way of socializing, it's not rejection or lack of interest. (According to some, it could also be down to ADD or ADHD-PI as it's called now; I don't know.)
I find it embarrassing to tell people this, because I know it's such a long shot off from normal.

If she's like me, then you either have to accept that or move on, and let her know if you do, because if she's like me, she'll wonder for a long time if you don't, and hope you'll be back even after she realistically knows you won't be, and she'll hold it against you that you didn't even let her know. Unlike NTs, a lot of aspies would rather be told directly than be left hanging. We need to know.


Maybe you should just ask her.


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