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InThisTogether
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21 Oct 2014, 7:34 pm

Some of you may remember that historically my son has basically been unable to lie. To the point that he used to tell on himself in school when there was no way he would be "found out."

Sadly, he now has a problem with lying. By his own report he lies "a lot" and sometimes "when there is absolutely no reason to lie, I still do it." He is very upset by this, but continues to do it.

Anyone have any insight? Experience regarding what to do to help him stop? He's almost 13.


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DW_a_mom
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21 Oct 2014, 7:46 pm

I am going to guess he is testing the waters; that it is some sort of developmental phase. He knows people all lie to some extent (although we call it good manners); that has probably eaten at him for some time; how to reconcile it all. It is a common issue for ASD individuals, anyway. And I've noticed most kids seem to go through different phases with different types of lying - this could be the developmental delay aspect of ASD kicking in.

I think I would continue to emphasize the reasons we don't lie, and break down with him the effects of the times he has lied. What kind of tangled web has he created? How has he harmed himself or someone else? What has the lie accomplished?

My son get broken out of his little phase (when he was ten, I think) when he created a tangled web with some of his friends. He saw how one little lie led to having to make another, and before long he was so trapped by his own silly lies that he was making his own life miserable. Yeah, that will stop it.


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Waterfalls
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21 Oct 2014, 8:26 pm

Is it possible he is confused about when, why, and how it's socially appropriate to lie? If so, you could try to explain logically to him because lying is a skill and knowing to sometimes mislead can be very important.

If you think he has some confusion, breaking this down like any other skill you want to help him learn is a good way to go.



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21 Oct 2014, 8:57 pm

Ok. I was one of those kids. I was pathologically one way or the other. Best way I could describe it is as sort of an addiction. I was awkward and didn't have a lot of friends. If I lied, things were more interesting and I could have more of a normal conversation possibly because I got a bit of a rise out of it and if I'm lying it's easier to keep the conversation going. Maybe it makes me feel popular? Or less alone? Maybe I'm just off gassing some extra emotions? I'm not entirely sure. As an adult I had to find other outlets for whatever need I have for it that is still left. I have probably half a dozen accounts on reddit where I do nothing but fabricate. No idea why I need to do it, but I do and I'm able to get through most of my day with out lying although I'm still prone to exaggeration.



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21 Oct 2014, 10:09 pm

It's really hard to get solid advice on these situations because of the stereotype that everybody on the spectrum is incapable of lying. I will try to offer some insight as I am a now adult who has a history of compulsive lying and continues to deal with it. This may or may not be similar to your son's situation at all, but I will just recount my experiences.

I was a very blunt and truthful child in an "honest to a fault" kind of way. My lying started to become a problem when I was 13. 13 was the big year when my life essentially went to hell because of issues brought on by my (undiagnosed at the time) autism. I started to have trouble with my peers, I started having trouble with school life, and this is when I didn't have any real identity and was desperately copying everybody in an effort to feel as though I did. There were a few different situations in which I would lie in and I will go into each a bit.

Shame- I lied out of shame and guilt that I had from all of the ways I was struggling and failing to cope with life.

Confusion- For me, this is where social ineptness contributed to my lying habit. I told people things that I thought they'd expect to hear. Not in a "Oh, I didn't do my homework, but they are asking if I did and I don't want to get in trouble." kind of way, but about things that were completely inconsequential. Somebody would ask me a question, I would have a brief moment of utter confusion, and then I'd respond with what I'd believe to be the "right" answer instead of the honest answer. This would happen in situations where there was no socially appropriate vs socially inappropriate responses. Logically, I am able to sort this out, but I still crack when it comes to real life.

Fantasy- I used to/still sometimes do spend almost all of my time daydreaming realistic situations and I would get quite caught up in them. I'd inadvertently end up telling others these daydreams, but as if I were retelling an event that actually happened. Sometimes I didn't realize I was lying until it was too late, but sometimes I proceeded to tell the story anyways.

Poor Conversation Skills- I would want to bring up topics in a conversation, but I was never sure how to go about doing so or just voicing that I'd like to discuss something. I'd make up lies to insert it into the conversation in a way that would feel more organic. This usually tied in with my fantasy world.



elkclan
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22 Oct 2014, 3:37 am

I can imagine lying is a bit like a shiny new toy for him. If he couldn't do it before and now he can, it's time to run wild with experimental lying. So yes, probably a developmental phase.

I think I'd stress thinking about the lies and their impact on other people (and I know this may be a challenge) and to try to make sure that he thinks through the lies to minimise negative impact. And also help him understand that TRUST is really important to social relationships and when you lie all the time people can't trust you, factually or emotionally. May or may not have any impact.

My son is NT and was a precocious liar. His speech was a little delayed, but he could lie well before he had good command of the language which is not how it's supposed to play out. It's annoying.



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22 Oct 2014, 7:05 am

My son's lies are usually of the "your rule is invalid, and therefore I needn't follow it" variety. If he doesn't understand why he isn't allowed to do something, then he'll try to do it behind my back and lie about it. Example: he isn't allowed to eat in his bedroom because he's messy and will leave wrappers and bits of food everywhere, attracting ants. Until I explained the "why" of the rule, I was finding wrappers shoved under his bed and behind his pillows. He would tell me he didn't know how they got there, or that his sister put them there.