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LonelyJar
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22 Oct 2014, 5:26 am

Hi, everyone. I'm reaching my breaking point. I almost always feel that whenever I do anything, I am simply setting myself up for failure. My parents say they want the best for me, but I think they really only want the best FROM me, because that's what's best for THEM. Work of any kind and difficulty makes me want to kill myself. There isn't any better way for me to put it; maybe I wouldn't feel so stressed if I had more understanding parents.

I kept trying to tell them to listen to me, but they kept telling me that I need to listen to them because they think of themselves as infallible, so I just stopped trying after a while. My parents weren't that great at giving me advice. I mostly remember how they harassed me when I made mistakes; their harassment depended on the severity of the failure and their mood. Originally, I went berserk when things didn't go my way, so my parents tried to teach me not to worry over minor things. They failed. Not only is this still an issue for me, but now I also break down and attack myself when I think I've failed at something very important, from screwing up chores, to getting less than perfect grades, to not getting a job.

I always think I set myself up for failure. My parents always harassed me for any mistake they deemed major. What's the point in trying anything if every failure means no sympathy or comfort? It's always one false move. What if I have a mental breakdown in public? Break downs seem to happen more and more often these days, and they've become more severe with every job application. Mom & Dad's responses of "Don't think about it." never helped. If I get fired, I can practically guarantee that they will freak out and yell at me; I might become banned from tutoring math in my hometown, meaning I'd have to try some new unfamiliar job. Putting myself in unknown situations means more stress for me, and when success isn't certain, I feel like I've already made a huge mistake. I just want control over what I want to do and where I'll go in life; I might be more tolerant of failure if my parents would simply butt out.

Don't even get me started on therapy. I've had two therapists, and neither of them helped. Mom spoon-fed the first shrink and said I wouldn't listen to the second doctor, even though he wasn't really a good fit for me. Now, my dad and mom won't get me therapy until I get a stable job, even though I believe I'm so mentally screwed up that I need therapy BEFORE preparing for any job.

Moving out is not an option, as I am too dependent on my parents, and I do not have enough real world experience to live on my own.

I wanted to die since I was 13, but my parents never care about it whenever I bring it up. I'm tired of failing, tired of being called out for every failure - big or small - without being taught how to move on and to avoid making the same mistake in the future. I'm just so tired of everything. Yes, I would like a career eventually, but I want to take small, calculated steps to prepare myself for the workforce, and I want to do things on my own terms, without my parents breathing down my neck unless I explicitly ask them for help.



886
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22 Oct 2014, 7:02 am

LonelyJar wrote:
Hi, everyone. I'm reaching my breaking point. I almost always feel that whenever I do anything, I am simply setting myself up for failure. My parents say they want the best for me, but I think they really only want the best FROM me, because that's what's best for THEM. Work of any kind and difficulty makes me want to kill myself. There isn't any better way for me to put it; maybe I wouldn't feel so stressed if I had more understanding parents.

I kept trying to tell them to listen to me, but they kept telling me that I need to listen to them because they think of themselves as infallible, so I just stopped trying after a while. My parents weren't that great at giving me advice. I mostly remember how they harassed me when I made mistakes; their harassment depended on the severity of the failure and their mood. Originally, I went berserk when things didn't go my way, so my parents tried to teach me not to worry over minor things. They failed. Not only is this still an issue for me, but now I also break down and attack myself when I think I've failed at something very important, from screwing up chores, to getting less than perfect grades, to not getting a job.

I always think I set myself up for failure. My parents always harassed me for any mistake they deemed major. What's the point in trying anything if every failure means no sympathy or comfort? It's always one false move. What if I have a mental breakdown in public? Break downs seem to happen more and more often these days, and they've become more severe with every job application. Mom & Dad's responses of "Don't think about it." never helped. If I get fired, I can practically guarantee that they will freak out and yell at me; I might become banned from tutoring math in my hometown, meaning I'd have to try some new unfamiliar job. Putting myself in unknown situations means more stress for me, and when success isn't certain, I feel like I've already made a huge mistake. I just want control over what I want to do and where I'll go in life; I might be more tolerant of failure if my parents would simply butt out.

Don't even get me started on therapy. I've had two therapists, and neither of them helped. Mom spoon-fed the first shrink and said I wouldn't listen to the second doctor, even though he wasn't really a good fit for me. Now, my dad and mom won't get me therapy until I get a stable job, even though I believe I'm so mentally screwed up that I need therapy BEFORE preparing for any job.

Moving out is not an option, as I am too dependent on my parents, and I do not have enough real world experience to live on my own.

I wanted to die since I was 13, but my parents never care about it whenever I bring it up. I'm tired of failing, tired of being called out for every failure - big or small - without being taught how to move on and to avoid making the same mistake in the future. I'm just so tired of everything. Yes, I would like a career eventually, but I want to take small, calculated steps to prepare myself for the workforce, and I want to do things on my own terms, without my parents breathing down my neck unless I explicitly ask them for help.


If they wanted what was best for them and not you, they would kick you out and play no part in your development. After reading your post, I think your parents want very much for you to succeed and they care deeply for you.

You are right, I don't think they understand a lot of your struggles or autism in general - but it's neither your fault or their fault. Growing up I wasted so much time playing the blame game, it's my fault, it's their fault, but you know what? At the end of the day, it made nothing better. I'm still autistic, I still struggle. Every day I have to strive to remind myself even though they may not understand autism well, they love me very much and would go to lengths to see me succeed in life. Asperger's is very, very difficult for someone other than yourself to fully understand. When they say things like "Just don't think about it" they don't understand how your mind works and how you cannot just simply stop thinking about something. They aren't going to understand meltdowns or why you get angry at certain things, they're going to react badly. Everyone with asperger's goes through this with their parents. But, please remember this doesn't mean they don't love you or don't want what's best for you. I have a lifetime of being autistic, nobody gets it.

You say they "harass" you over mistakes. How so? For me growing up, just them mentioning it to me I could label harassment. I hated failure and I never wanted to hear about it because it triggered a meltdown. But you have to remember, mistakes need to be addressed. If they aren't, we continue to make them.

What you have to remember is YOU and YOU alone are responsible for your success ultimately. Your parents will influence you, in the right ways and wrong ways, it's up to you to respond to that influence however you want. What you do with your life is your choice to make, and yours alone. Nothing positive in life was ever achieved with no effort., either. It's also up to you to decide what success is. Is it making your parents happy? Good grades? Maintaining a job? Or are all those just stupid expectations society places on you, and you therefore feel you need to obtain those things in order to be labeled as successful? That's up to you to decide.

You do acknowledge you need therapy, and there are things he/she can talk with you about, such as understanding why failure is such a trigger for you. A good therapist can help you deal with past mistakes and turn them into positive experiences, they can help you set up a short-term plan to mapping out your life. They can help you cope with anxiety. They can help control your anger and meltdowns to a manageable level, and he can help you identify what sets those off. Therapy absolutely does not work unless you are 100% open and honest with the therapist and 100% willing to try what they say. You have to remember too - do not get offended or defensive about what they tell you. They have your best interest in mind, always.

You have to remember too, you're going to fail. We all fail.. at everything. One mistake doesn't mean we need to overthink it and dub ourselves failures. It's a part of being human. I've made so many mistakes, with women, my job, my family, life decisions, I used to beat myself up all day every day both emotionally and physically over every mistake I ever made, big or small. I still do, often. It's normal for asperger's. You can learn to manage these things, if you're willing to.


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If Jesus died for my sins, then I should sin as much as possible, so he didn't die for nothing.


androbot01
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22 Oct 2014, 9:59 am

If you can't physically separate from your parents yet, then mentally and emotionally do so. Stop looking for your parents to create the ideal world for you ... they are just people going about their lives. I think you are expecting too much of them and putting too much importance on your interactions with them.
Work towards independence.



kraftiekortie
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22 Oct 2014, 10:14 am

I second that.



Toy_Soldier
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22 Oct 2014, 12:01 pm

Until you come up with your own plans and take actions, they will be tempted to do so for you.

So its a matter of stopping the reacting to their unhelpful suggestions and pushing, and taking the initiative back to yourself. Do it like you said, in careful measured steps.



LonelyJar
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03 Nov 2014, 12:50 am

886 wrote:
You say they "harass" you over mistakes. How so? For me growing up, just them mentioning it to me I could label harassment. I hated failure and I never wanted to hear about it because it triggered a meltdown. But you have to remember, mistakes need to be addressed. If they aren't, we continue to make them.


I personally feel that what hasn't killed me made me weaker, and now I'm so weak that my metaphorical structural integrity has been compromised. I know that all my problems start and end with me, but between all that, there's my parents, who've influenced me more than anyone else in my life, for better or for worse.

My mom and dad are perfectionists. Any time one of their children fails to do something properly, it seems to reflect poorly on them. It's been like this ever since I was little, and I think they might have become angrier and more bitter over the years. On their best days, they've offered biting sarcasm when I misbehave slightly or fail in doing what I'm told to do; on their worst days, I received brutal verbal and emotional harassment.

Sometimes, I get so stressed out that I start crying, and I can't think clearly enough to know why I'm crying in the first place. I don't just want hugs, I want help. I just wish I was never born. Does anyone else feel that way? (In case you're wondering, I'm not asking anyone else if they wish *I* was never born. I want to know who else wishes *they* were never born.)



LonelyJar
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07 Nov 2014, 2:48 am

androbot01 wrote:
If you can't physically separate from your parents yet, then mentally and emotionally do so. Stop looking for your parents to create the ideal world for you ... they are just people going about their lives. I think you are expecting too much of them and putting too much importance on your interactions with them.
Work towards independence.


How exactly am I putting too much stress on my parents? It might be my own personal bias, but I feel that they've put too much stress on me. My parents have always yelled at me when I was less than perfect in their eyes; everything from being late to getting not-so-stellar grades set them off, and I had no clue how to defend myself or how to grow from the situation. For the longest time, I thought this was normal. I rarely dared to question my mom and dad because they were the ones that raised me. (I'm also slow when it comes to evaluating people.) But now that I'm a grown man, I see that their behavior at home is atrocious and dysfunctional. They could be a lot worse, but they could also try to become better.



androbot01
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08 Nov 2014, 10:16 am

LonelyJar wrote:
androbot01 wrote:
If you can't physically separate from your parents yet, then mentally and emotionally do so. Stop looking for your parents to create the ideal world for you ... they are just people going about their lives. I think you are expecting too much of them and putting too much importance on your interactions with them.
Work towards independence.


How exactly am I putting too much stress on my parents?


If you are asking me, I don't think I said that.