Principal Uncertainties

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone!

I am in my mid-twenties, and have recently realized that I may be somewhere on the Autism spectrum. Although Asperger's Syndrome is no longer an official diagnosis, I believe I would fall near the milder and more "high-functioning" end. This may be why whatever signs and symptoms there were had been missed by me and those around me until a little while ago. I'm still not completely certain though, as it is very difficult to analyze one's own mind. I took the AQ test and got a 32 (the upper end of "borderline") and an almost even spread on the Aspie Quiz (though leaning toward non-neurotypical). Probably the most convincing evidence has come from a friend who was once married to a man with AS. I told her I thought I might be on the spectrum and she said "Oh. Yeah. That was so obvious to me I assumed you were aware of it."

I hadn't been aware of it at all, although I remember reading about the symptoms of autism a while ago and thinking that some sounded like me, but dismissing the possibility after reading that it was usually accompanied by language delays. I have always loved language, I have quite a large vocabulary, and have always been a voracious reader and scored highly on various competency tests. However, what I more recently realized was that the language issues described have more to do with the practicalities of using it socially. This is something I have always struggled with. I love people and want very much to connect with them, but find it very hard to do so. I have often felt that there is an invisible "glass wall" or "plastic bubble" between me and the rest of the world. The name of this site resonated with me as well, and upon reading it I recalled that in 2nd and 3rd grade my teacher and I played a game where we pretended that we were aliens. In some sense, I have always felt alien and out of place, at least in certain contexts. I am often silent in social situations, or else I talk at length about subjects I am interested in, often "monologuing" and occasionally unintentionally interrupting or talking over people in my enthusiasm. I will also often mumble, or think out loud, or talk to myself, although I don't really speak in a monotone (as far as I am aware, at least). Moreover, I have always had a great deal of difficulty in forming and maintaining friendships and romantic relationships. Which is not to say I haven't had friends or dated, but at the moment I have few friends, fewer close friends, and I haven't really dated since senior year of high school. I am fascinated by and very attracted to women, but I have no idea how to approach them, especially when I'm interested in someone romantically. I'm awkward and uncomfortable at large social gatherings, especially big parties where I don't know many people, both because I feel drained by them and because I feel disconnected and out of place. I'm alright with small-talk and eye-contact, but the former bores me with its superfluity and the latter bothers me with its intensity. I'm also alright at picking up unspoken social cues, although the subtler ones often slip by me, especially my attention is otherwise occupied.

I'm still not sure whether this is simply shyness and introversion, but autism would also explain so many other little things about me. I'm generally very non-confrontational, honest, and trusting, which has sometimes gotten me in trouble. I've never liked competitive sports, real-world violence deeply disturbs me, and I am often awfully gullible. I'm very clumsy and will often bump into, drop, or spill things. This has given me pretty good reflexes as a result, though, and I've made a few pretty epic catches of things I've accidentally knocked over! I don't have any really intense sensory sensitivities, but I do find that seams, tags and rough fabrics bother me. Plus I don't have much of a fashion sense, and generally prefer comfort over looks. I can handle loud noises and bright lights, but only for so long. I also seem to have somewhat inhibited hearing, as I'm always asking people to repeat themselves, not hearing or mishearing people, and sometimes won't even hear/register my name if it's called, especially if I'm focusing on something else.

Speaking of focus, although I don't have a single, deep, and abiding interest, I do get very intensely interested in certain subjects. Their range is quite broad and eclectic, and I am especially interested in finding connections between seemingly unrelated fields, but when I get really into something I definitely focus on it very intently. For example, when I began wondering whether I had autism, I started researching it almost non-stop, and have done little else for the last few days besides reading about it online. I figure that's a sign. Generally, my mind is always occupied with *something*, and seems to run on "high-octane" fuel relative to many other people. This can create problems as I find it difficult to shut my mind down for sleep, and I am often lost in thought. Sometimes I'll zone out and stare off into space while absorbed in my own inner world, and sometimes I'm so powerfully possessed by an idea that I feel the need to share it with whomever I can, even to the point of blurting it out regardless of the social context. I also have a habit of correcting people who say something I feel is untrue, and reading badly written prose riddled with spelling and grammatical errors is a bit like hearing a piece of music played out of key and full of wrong notes. I have some problems with perfectionism in general, and sometimes feel like my life is a long list of mistakes and failures (even though I know on another more rational level that this isn't true). When I was a kid I used to collect blank notebooks, but wouldn't write in them for fear of "ruining" them, or else would tear out the pages I did mark.

A few other things: I've had inexplicable GI symptoms and pains at least since high school. I have a lot of difficulty planning and managing my time, and am always losing or forgetting things. I can remember people's faces pretty well, but names are like minnows in the nets of my thought: they slip right through, unless I make a very conscious effort to catch them. I don't really have many tics or "stimming" behaviors I am aware of, though I used to do this click/cough thing in my throat when I was younger, and I will often pace, pull my hair, press on my eyes or pinch my nose when stressed. I also sigh a lot? I dunno if that's a thing. I don't really have "meltdowns" but I do withdraw and shut down sometimes when I'm very stressed and/or emotional. Not completely; I'm still aware of what's going on around me, I just go off on my own or get quiet, tune-out, and go sort of "numb". It seems to happen to some extent in "intimate encounters" too, which really, seriously sucks I believe I've actually become pretty depressed as a result of my increasing isolation.

On another note, I've also been very interested in and attached to books my whole life. Though I do most of my reading online these days, I still love their reality and physicality, the smell and feel of pages. I always over-pack them whenever I go anywhere. I love notebooks and blank pages too. When I was a kid, I was once overjoyed to receive a ream of plain paper for Christmas. I also still have a strong attachment to a big blue blanket I've had since I was little, which I always use as a pillow because I love the way it feels on my face.

Finally, another odd thing I am uncertain about: apparently a symptom of AS and ASD is a lack of the ability to "play pretend" or at least significant "oddities" in the way play manifests. As a child I had a very rich and active imaginative life. However, I wasn't really interested in playing out "normal" domestic social situations. Rather, I was fascinated by monsters, dinosaurs, and mythological creatures and heroes. I would usually play alone or with my father, or occasionally with my mother or with one or a few other children. I don't recall ever pretending to be a fireman or a doctor or "playing house", or being at all interested in doing so. Most of the connections I made with other children were through shared imaginary games, and as I look back on it, a lot of them might have been considered pretty weird by some people.

On a related note, I've never felt I've had a problem with empathy or sympathy, although I believe some of this may have to do with the fact that my family was very loving and supportive, and that they actively encouraged my pretend play. Through my imagination, I was able to project myself into the minds of others and experience the world from different perspectives, or at least attempt to. I think on some level I was using these monsters and mythic scenarios to try to understand human motivations and relationships. I do sometimes forget to take other people's perspectives into account, or assume that they will get a reference or know a piece of information I feel is common knowledge, although I've gotten a lot better at this.

Anyway, this is where I'm at right now. I'm not certain I'm "on the spectrum" and don't display all of the symptoms, at least not intensely. However, it would seem to explain many things about me and my life, both big and little aspects of my personality and my problems. Obviously, I don't expect that anyone here would or could give me an official diagnosis, but I am interested in your opinions. Also, my main question right now is whether or not I ought to seek a professional diagnosis. I'm not sure how it would be of benefit to me, and quite frankly the thought of talking to a therapist and being "in the system" makes me very nervous. I am also not sure how to broach the subject with my parents. I feel like I'm carrying around this big "info-bomb", and once I drop it on them, nothing will ever be the same again. Plus, without being completely certain I don't want to concern them over nothing if it turns out I'm just being a hypochondriac or pathologizing my personal problems.

Anyway, apologies for the long post. There's a lot more I could say and some things I've probably forgotten. In any case, any feedback would be sincerely appreciated.

Thanks!

*Drops the mic*

Peace!

Hey MysterMe welcome.

Hi! Thanks!

P.S. Firefly FTW!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!