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Hello friends.

[also relevant is the original message I posted here: Have You Ever Gotten in Trouble for Swearing at Work

I posted a message the other day, for the first time. I was blown away [absolutely taken by surprise] that when I went to work and came home, upon checking my email I discovered that many people responded to my question, regarding whether or not anyone has ever gotten in trouble for swearing at work. I could not believe it. I want to first say thank you to those who responded with kind and/or thoughtful and/or amusing words, all of which I found encouraging in my current difficult situation.

Before I spill [disclose] the details of my subject, I want to say that I do not believe that my coworkers and colleagues are bigoted against autistic people. In fact, I believe absolutely that if they were to hear me, or anyone, suggest that they were, they would be shocked and offended. Indignant even. They are mostly liberals, and we even have a gay person in charge, which I nor any of my coworkers or colleagues have any problem with, as far as I know. But boy are they ignorant. I do not mean that meanly, but they are. Which leads us to our point.

We are a small alternative high school in a rural part of a Western state. We have high poverty and low test scores; our kids are behind, and we a re a "priority school" because of it. And we are the school that offers hope to those who have checked out of [left, for usually unpleasant reasons] the mainstream high school on the top of the hill for a variety of reasons, but whatever they are, we serve those who fell through the cracks [were not being served] elsewhere. My school is the last stop for many, sadly, before dropping out and eeking out an existence in town, most likely never to leave. My school is also the last stop for enough others for me to keep doing it who go on to college, or trade school, and begin to set themselves up for a nice life. But it's hard, and many of them are hard too.

We have weekly team and staff meetings to discuss the operations of the school, expectations from higher authorities, and students. We were on the subject of students. Lately, we have had a rash [sudden increase] of students who identify as male who are anatomically female. In other words, transgendered. We all want to be sensitive to their needs, and seek to accommodate their wishes by calling them by their preferred name and pronoun. No problem. I could't care any less whether someone wants to, or in fact does, identify as a different gender or whatever. I simply don't care. Whatever floats your boat [makes you happy]! I feel the same way about gay marriage. Who should care, I wonder? But I know many people do feel rather passionately about it one way or another, and I realize it is a big deal for people who are affected negatively by it. Whatever. We were discussing a transgendered student who was having a hard time at home, and at the conclusion of the conversation, our boss congratulated the staff on being so accepting of the lbgtq community and making them feel so welcome in our building (our boss being gay as well, I thought there might be a personal connection to the sentiment, but didn't care much, as I said). Great. Fabulous.

The next kid is the one ASD student we have (the last one lasted just over a year, before being transferred to the special ed program at the mainstream high school on top of the hill). At first, they did not even believe he was autistic. They questioned how I knew. I do not do well on the spot [feeling interrogated], so I could not answer at first, but then I remembered it was the special education teacher who had informed me. They only really believed it when this teacher entered the room late and confirmed it. Another staff member commented that the kid was really outgoing, and not like you [meaning me] at all, and wasn't that the opposite of autism? I explained that this was a stereotype, and not true in all cases at all. This is a nice kid, but is not doing well academically, as s/he [do not want to do anything to reveal the student's identity] has a hard time focusing enough to complete his/her reading/research/writing assignments, especially when there are a lot of distractions, and it is true s/he likes to visit with friends in class (not mine so much, hahaha); however, s/he is a great contributor in class conversations, and I believe is making the best effort s/he can to do the work being assigned him/her, and I spoke up and said so. While discussing him/her, our counselor, also gay [not that I care, just relevant to my theme], stated that s/he was "glaring" at people, and I had to correct her; I informed the counselor that what may be perceived as glaring may be something else entirely, and may not even be something s/he is conscious of (I sure am not, nor of my rituals and tics until after I've been doing them a minute). To her credit, she seemed to receive the information well, but I also have learned that it might look that way to me but be something else entirely on the other end. I was also annoyed that I would have to educate a counselor. It was almost in the next breath while finishing our discussion of this student that our boss commented on the fact that s/he has behavior and emotional needs, so we can send him to the school on the top of the hill if we want to. This treatment in stark contrast to the way the other kid was discussed and sentiments expressed. I felt sick.

I have been having a very difficult time at work myself over the last half decade since my boss started. In fact I can thank her for my diagnosis, as I went for a formal evaluation (on the referral of my regular psychologist) after receiving the first unacceptable evaluation I had ever received in my life. She just does not understand what she does not understand and she believes she understands way more than she does. And that she is doing everything in her ability to work with me and meet my accommodations, which were painfully achieved with trips to specialists and everything, to get advice and all, but she is not. And it was expensive too. To be fair, I do exhibit "challenging" behaviors from an administrative perspective; I know this, but it is only when I am under great stress and/or feeling extremely frustrated, which she exacerbates. And the more she exacerbates my symptoms by the manner in which she herself interacts and addresses her concerns with me, and fails to give me "regular" positive feedback almost entirely (another accommodation to allow me to know that she is looking for the good that I do too, and thus enable me to process the criticism more easily), the more evidence she gets that she is right (i.e. that I am a stressed out jerk who makes people uncomfortable and worse). I feel I am in a no-win situation. I got accommodations in the hope of resolving this conundrum, but so far, mixed results. I would not complain, as long as they were being applied with fairness and consistency, but they are not. I feel more like I am being treated like an NT with the added hassle of accommodations to meet for me. And that the very instruments [strategies] that are used to make things better for me and everyone else, among them to have a meeting each week [the two of us] for me to receive feedback given in a fair and consistent manner, and with a minimum of emotionality, and to provide guidance and support in resolving conflicts and addressing issues or concerns, are used more like whipping sessions, where I am told all of her concerns and reminded of anything I didn't do right or did wrong, or what my dog is doing wrong [I use a service dog] or who I offended, or who is scared of me, or what. Which is a reason for my little meltdown that I described in my last post, from yesterday, titled "Have you ever gotten in trouble for swearing at work?"

Anyway, now HR is involved again, regarding the investigation and my swearing, and I have raised concerns, and I can just use any thoughts at all that are constructive or relevant. Thanks.

One could be forgiven for assuming so, but I am reminded periodically of people who are scared of me who are named and also who remain nameless. Nothing is ever done about it, other than me becoming anxious that people are scared of me. Another accommodation says she is supposed to facilitate three way meetings with staff members who have issues with me or my behavior, in an effort to resolve issues and promote communication and understanding, but this is never done. In fact, when three such staff were made known to me in our last meeting, who were either scared of me or had concerns about interactions with me, she named my behavior as aggressive at the outset, before even asking me anything at all. In fact it was on the paper she gave me, twenty minutes before the meeting (I am supposed to receive advance notice of topics to be discussed at meetings to give me time to process ahead of time; twenty minutes does not cut it for me, but that is just an added layer of frustration for me. At any rate, when she brought these three to my attention, and I almost immediately said that I wanted a meeting with them so we could talk through whatever it was, and even though this is in fact one of my accommodations, she first said she would have to check with HR if that was okay, and when I challenged this, that she would have to consult with the individuals named, and expressed doubt that such a meeting would help. It was demoralizing.



No need to worry about alarming me; l am already worried about this possibility, and have been ever since she started almost. I know I do need an advocate, or my only other remaining option is filing a complaint with the DOJ. I have the form already. Although I was hoping not to do that, as it will be very awkward and (even more) difficult working there while an investigation takes place. I agree that I need to meet with HR to discuss the differences in interpretation, and am planning to do so in the next week. I am trying to maintain hope that my instincts, and your suggestion, may be wrong and that we can work things out.... but it's been years already and I am losing hope. I am beginning to realize that if there is a resolution to be had, I am not going to be able to achieve it without help. But where to get it I haven't already looked to (psychologist, diagnostic specialist, AskJan, DOJ hotline, HR, and of course uncountable attempts on my part to just try talking or advocating on my own) is a challenge I don't know how to overcome. Feeling a bit lost.

[btw: I include the bracketed words for the benefit of those who do not get [understand] figurative language; frankly I don't either when it is spoken, at least much of the time, but I am able to use it in writing, if not always verbally; I mean no offense or pretentiousness]

Too much to read, I think I've gone blind... =(

Like the other person said, it should be a reflection more on the people who are scared of you than on yourself. You can't always control how other people perceive you.

I understand. I've been told a few times that I'm intimidating to certain coworkers over the years (usually petite females, but, I was also told by a male friend that I'm probably intimidating to guys, too, even if they won't admit it). The way I stare or deliver things in a flat tone is supposedly arrogant or aggressive and working in tech around other people who don't know what I do doesn't help matters.
Edit: Oh, another thing that is so stupid. I can't stand crowds, the noise, chaos or touching, so I tend to walk fast to get through them to some other quiet area. Somehow, though I always plot my course to give a wide berth to everyone, it's somehow insulting or intimidating to walk fast. That actually does make me angry, I get so tired of the comments about it all the time. WHY on earth would anyone care how fast someone walks? Unless they're walking slowly and getting in your way, it's just mind-wobbling how people can turn that into something about themselves?



Whatevs. I'm the furthest thing from arrogant, I've got very little in the way of self-confidence (though that has gotten better thanks to the internet. I can write nice articles that get me treated well or complimented, more easily than I could get that idea across verbally.).

BUT, unfortunately, it's something I just try to be cognizant of when dealing with those people (when I know or suspect who they are), and I force more emotion into my voice, smile even if it feels fake or phrase things as questions instead of statements, blah blah blah. It's exhausting, so I mostly just try to avoid them.

Sorry, 140lb. I hope your sight will return.