Page 1 of 1 [ 4 posts ] 

DrewLewis
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 25 Oct 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 83
Location: Kentucky

24 Oct 2014, 5:40 pm

It can be really difficult to talk to people sometimes. It's not like I haven't tried but It's always hard to figure people out without sounding weird, dumb or rude. Also it seems more and more of my friends are dating, getting married and\or fully married.
How is it that some people finds the right person right off the bat in just a few months time, while other people like myself, or left in the cold. It's crazy. Heck most of my friends don't talk to me as much as they used to because they're in a serious relationship. It gets really depression sometimes.



AngelRho
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile

24 Oct 2014, 6:49 pm

A lawyer friend of mine put it this way: It's all about the honey and the money.

It took me a while to figure out what that really means, because if all I have to do is offer sexual gratification and material gifts, I shouldn't have all that much trouble.

No, it's more than that. All that means is people want to feel important--which is often manifested in material possessions, i.e. money and the things you can buy with it, and in sexual gratification (it's very Freudian). Money and sex are simply outward appearances of our most primitive inward concerns.

Quite simply, we are selfish. We are preoccupied by our own personal interests and desires. We don't care about anyone else. In order to get someone's attention, you have to give them what they want to feel important. The more you make someone feel important, the more they want to hang out with you. You don't have to say two words, either. You don't have to talk about yourself. Just ask them questions, comment on how cool they are, get interested in things THEY like, and overall just keep them talking about themselves. Do that and people are putty in your hands. Seriously, give it a try sometime.

Stephen Covey said "Seek first to understand, THEN be understood." (7 Habits of Highly Effective People). If you apply the concept of human selfishness, you do this by first making someone feel important buy getting them to talk about themselves and their interests (seek first to understand). This is a two-way street?if you don't feel important around someone, you don't want to hang out with them. So you attract attention basically by being a friend and listening, engaging in their interests. Now they want to hang out with you and will even seek you out. Then, and ONLY then do you hit them with what you want (be understood). And, the thing is, you can't just say "Yeah, I'd love to hear more about that, but how would you like to go out with me on Friday night?" Doesn't work, because your focus is on YOU. They need a reason, preferably framed in such a way that shows how such an arrangement benefits them either directly or indirectly. All you're looking for is company on a Friday night. You already know what interests them. They already think you're a pretty cool cat. It's a slam dunk, baby.

Oh, and I don't have a negative view of humanity. I view it as basic psychology. We like to think we are above self-interest, but nobody is perfect and self-interest or self-preservation takes over. What's going to sink you is if you apply this principle when you are not genuinely interested in the other person. NTs find it easy to spot fakes.

According to "The Book of Eli," the Bible is all about "Do more for others than for yourself." It's ancient wisdom and it's still relevant. If you want dates/relationships, THAT is the path you take.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,605
Location: the island of defective toy santas

24 Oct 2014, 8:45 pm

^^^
for all too long, that never worked for me. I guess there was a serious fly in my ointment someplace. :oops:



danothan24
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 15 Apr 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 118

25 Oct 2014, 9:15 am

People are friggin awful. There are a few exceptions, but the general rule of thumb is the vast majority of people are still just animals.

Here's the thing with our western society specifically: it's stunningly hypocritical. We're built around the idea that the weak are supposed to be protected, that those who are capable of helping are morally obligated to try and help. You almost never actually see these principals in practice. On a bigger picture, we're a supposedly "Christian" nation that's built on war. I could keep going, but the point is, wherever you look in society, it's all built with a firm foundation of BS. We're the only creatures on the planet capable of thinking beyond our primal instincts, but the VAST majority of people aren't interested in trying to live up to that potential, especially NT's. Don't bother with hope, it's a cancer. Just do what you need to do to get by. Maybe someone will be interested in you eventually, maybe not. Choice is mostly an illusion, really not much you can do about it either way.


_________________
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. --George Carlin