Overcoming that fear.

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I felt pretty good last week when a friend of mine finally made a relationship with a close friend he knew for years. Where pretty much the same when it comes to social situations, shy, introverted, and unlucky with girls. My friend had been close friends with this girl since high school, and it took him along time to muster the courage to ask her out. I know he is a nice man, and he treats her very well.

Yet I still feel like I can't find that sense "courage," and I can't overcome the strange overwhelming sensation of fear I get when I try to develop an intimate connection with a woman. It's a strange mix of embarrassment and guilt, an emotion I can only describe as an "anti-flirt emotion," a type defense mechanism that triggers in the brain, that keeps me from doing or asking about anything that could develop a relationship with someone. I guess the short way to put it, I just make an ass out of myself every single time I try to get close to a girl. It leads to me convincing myself that I posses a crushing sense of stupidity when it comes to these types of things... Like I get to just the right points, just the right moment, then because of who I am I just f**k it all up!

I just feel like I am your perpetual detention of a loser, cause ever time I try harder and harder I don't ever get any better. Every time i try someones advice it backfires cause I can't apply it in my own way.

I want to keep trying, keep going, and see if the right one comes along for the first time, but that fear, fear of failure, that I'll just be a loser the rest of my life, it's just always there.

When I was your age, I felt pretty much the same as you do now.

I always counsel patience, even though it's counterintuitive; it certainly was counterintuitive to me at that time.

As you get older and acquire more experience, you will become more appealing to girls.

There has to be something I can do in the mean time? I can be patient, I have been very patient, most of the time I think it's a lack of action that's getting me down. I mean a big part of it is that I can't find the right thing to talk about, sometimes I hit on a topic for awhile, but often when the chance comes for me to talk about myself I either A: talk about a part of me that's really uninteresting, or B: lie to make myself seem more attractive, I often regret when I act on the latter instinct. When I talk most of what I say is pretty typical "get to know a person," I've caught myself successfully flirting once or twice in a few conversations, but I have hard time keeping up with the when and how I am supposed to flirt.

I'm not giving up, but I can't admit I am doing any better at flirting, and typical chit chat. If I am going to get better as I get older, then I think now is probably a good time to start getting better.

I feel like the assumption with this advice when its given out(a lot) is that the guy will get a good enough job and become appealing to women when they switch from wanting a wild hot guy to a stable family type guy.

just doesn't happen to all guys like me

having had the courage to ask women out hasn't worked for me. they just reject me and makes me depressed and far less likely to do it again. after doing it a bunch of times it's left me broken and terrified.

Exactly! I don't want to be told "life's going to get better" I want to be told "here's how you make your life better." I want to know the multiple aspects people tend to focus on when they want to date someone, cause no one sure as s**t told me. I could sit and listen for hours to find the best ways to maintain a healthy sexual relationship, I have listened to this kind of advice over and over, but the first step (actually forming the relationship) seems to be a very vague if not "self-defined" step.

It's not like anyone forced me into the situation I find myself in now. I just can't understand how most every other men can find the right words to use, be they a "geek" or "adonis," but when I try to touch on such feelings they just go right by the person I am trying to connect with.

I truly feel the best way for your life to get better is to BELIEVE that it will get better.

It might not be truly the "truth"--but it will provide you with sinew/muscle to overcome the bad stuff.

I've been through lots of "bad stuff" in my life. I'm still going through it. I have days---trust me!

But, overall, to assume one is doomed will assuredly result in one being doomed. The Devil would have won.

what if you wouldn't put so pressure on yourself?
if you say that when you realize that you are flirting you end up messing up ...

i don't think there's like a right and wrong situation to flirt......it mostly depends on the person you want to learn more about...( I one erased the meaning of the word flirt from my head... I think I am just having a conversation to get to know someone else and that helps me cool off )

could there be an exact formula on how to do it?
maybe...if you already know the person you want to flirt with and have deciphered their personality and therefore what makes them attracted to someone...

oww :3 the forever complaining foxy

nah that sad fox
this might be complaining fox
or maybe this one

though party fox is maybe the best, but rarely have such an occasion.
I'd much rather be party fox and make people smile like pinkie pie. much better at making people happy and laugh if people would give me a chance.

I read a book called 101 ways to flirt. It helped me. It talks about the principles of flirting. Like anything else, it is a skill that you learn.

Another thing that really helped me was to study body language. Women act a certain way if they are attracted to you and want you to talk to them or flirt with them. Often it is as subtle as a look. They might look at you or they might go out of their way to say hi to you when they see you or they may start acting kind of nervous around you or get a goofy grin. After I started picking up on the body language, I focused my attention girls who were likely to reciprocate if I showed some attention to them. Before that I was totally oblivious to the fact that a girl was attracted to me, never flirted, and never got anywhere. I also approached girls who had no attraction to me and had no intentions of dating me. You can definitely win a girl over if she is skeptical, but it is easier to start out with women who you already know are attracted to you.

That's my two cents for what it's worth. I'm no casa nova but I feel a bit more confident in my ability to interact with women--confident enough that I have started asking women out again and I don't care if I get rejected because I believe there will be plenty of other possible mates in the future.

I agree with the other posters though. There is no magic formula, no trick, no combination of words that other people are using to get dates. The key is self-confidence, being comfortable with yourself, being comfortable enough with yourself that you are willing to open up the person you are attracted to and not care so much what that person thinks. If you have self-confidence, you will find the courage to talk to the person you are attracted to and they will be impressed by your self-confidence.

I guess I don't really know how to be self-confident...

ahm i don't understand how or why people would rob you of your chance to make them laugh...don't we almost always have a chance to brighten someone's day?

That's how I feel. It's really difficult to engineer the first steps, the making the connection thing. I don't know how to do it. And yes, people say, just be patient you'll meet someone when you aren't looking etc, but that's just platitudes not real advice or a real understanding of the problems I face.

I feel very disconnected from other people apart from one or two platonic friends that I have who have gotten used to me over the years.

they judge solely on looks and job title.

This....when all you get is rejection, it can be nigh impossible to find the courage to ask another woman out. And in my case, there's the added difficulty of being in love with my best friend...hell, I've only met 4 women who haven't totally rejected me ( aside from my best friend who only rejected me as a possibility beyond being a friend ) and all 4 are webcam models ( so even if I were to somehow meet one of them, there's no guarantee they'll actually go out with me even though they all say they're into me ). I know what you're thinking, but those 4 women have honestly become my friends and they've been very helpful & supportive to me. Maybe one day the universe will finally be nice to me, but at the moment the slim chance of possibly being with one of my gorgeous new friends for even 1 night gives me some hope at least....

Same. "You'll meet someone, don't worry" only applies to reasonably extroverted people with an active social life and social cirkle, imo. It's such a stupid piece of advice.

In the end most of the girls I've tried to ask out remained friends. I don't think there is any problem with dating a long term friend if they are available.