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elizabeth
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09 Mar 2007, 11:28 am

This is my first time on any forum of any kind, and I have to admit to being a little overwhelmed. I have been persuaded to do this by a good friend of mine whos partner has Aspergers. I believe my 8 year old son does too and am in the process of having him diagnosed.

Sam has always, and continues to have terrible problems at school. The teachers all seem to find his behaviour difficult to manage and it becomes personal towards the end of each year. He wont sit still, wont start his work even with specific instruction, calls out, makes strange noise and often speaks in a funny voice all of which infuriate the teachers.

His biggest problem though, and the one that is breaking my heart is his inabaility to make friends. He does try but gets it wrong, he doesn't seem to understand the invasion of personal space thing (he is a very tactile and loving child), and tends to be over friendly. Lately, the children in his class have started to say that he is gay, he is very upset and feels that they all hate him, he knows that to be in the "in crowd", its always easier if you can play football which, he cant, he struggles with sport of any kind, and to be honest has no real friends. I have tried inviting boys home for tea, which they come to but the invitation is never reciprocated. I have explained that making silly, or baby type noises will get him noticed for the wrong reasons and irritate people but its habit like to him and he looks at me blankly.

End result is he is finding school thoroughly traumatising, and is begging me not to go, I have spoken to the school who assure me they are doing all they can. I in the meantime apart from wanting to throttle these kids want to shut the door and keep away anyone who cant see Sam for the articulate, beautiful, kind, dazzlingly brilliant little human being that he is, I know this is not an option, anybody have any advice for me??



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09 Mar 2007, 1:55 pm

Can you see if you can do one of the following:

a) find a parent's support group so you can talk to other parents who have an Asperger's child

and

b) find some sort of social skills class. My 10 year old has been enrolled in a social skills class for the past two years. It has improved his social skills, AND it provides a place where he can go to visit and enjoy other kids close to his age who also have Aspergers. He is comfortable and happy with these kids, AND they are all learning how to navigate this NT world.

If you start now with social skills classes, he will most probably improve and his school life will be better.

A couple other things that we have done with our son is to make sure that he is stylishly dressed. It isn't even important to him, but it helps him blend in with the other kids. I didn't bother with stylish clothes with my first two kids, but I'm making sure that this last son is well-dressed in clothes that his peers wear as well.

Also, I've made sure that my son sees the latest movies, so that he has something current to talk about with the other kids, AND he is very into music, and that's another place where he has something in common with the other kids.

Hope this helps, even a little bit.

Kris



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09 Mar 2007, 2:28 pm

Could you possibly homeschool him? Or are there any progams/schools in your area that are just for autistic/ AS kids?

Bullying is a very serious situation... really it is life or death, because if it continues (and it looks like it will), he will become suicidal.

I have little faith that any school can stop a serious bullying problem. Oftentimes a school will not take you seriously until you threaten legal action against the school, the kids, and the kids' parents.



Goku
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09 Mar 2007, 2:52 pm

My son is called horrible names too but doesn't seem to take it personally. His situation is a little different though because he's always been in a special ed class and has made friends there, so it's not as isolating of an experience. He has a built-in support group to help him.

I would recommend social skills training also and maybe getting him involved in an activity where he could meet others with similar issues and interests. My gut instinct says focus on the social piece above the academic one. Academics can always be learned (esp for an aspie) but social skills/coping are what becomes critical to happiness and success in life.



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13 Mar 2007, 6:37 am

Quick addition to Goku, if he is an Aspy, sounds like it, the social skill will have to be learned just like the academics. He can do this it will take time and support. Gotta go but will check here later.


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Erlyrisa
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13 Mar 2007, 8:28 pm

AS DR Phil would say
NO NO NO NO NO!

to home school - then the end result will be retardation.

...The gay thing is good (Just watch it he doesn't ACTUALLY think that he should be Gay)

...He will learn about the tactile space thing, especially now that he is being teased.

...Freinds? -uh I didn't have a sinlge friend around his age for 1.5 years -who cares,,, give him plenty of hobbies to ease his mind.



KimJ
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13 Mar 2007, 9:04 pm

On behalf of parents who homeschool their kids, you Erlyrisa, are an unhelpful person. Your derogatory remarks ("retardation") have been bordering on trollish here in the parent forum.
Anyone can disagree with this opinion but I have had enough. Someone comes here for comfort and advice and you have scare tactics, inaccuracies and gross generalizations.

Elizabeth, your son needs to have social boundaries spelled out for him, like teaching math or spelling. It's not as simple as, "don't do that, it bugs me". You have to explain what exactly is appropriate and why and what consequences there will be.
Even if you don't get a diagnosis soon, it doesn't hurt to read about Asperger's or autism. I also suggest looking up Sensory Integration Disorder.



Erlyrisa
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13 Mar 2007, 10:32 pm

Amazingly enough people would pay to listen to Dr Phil?

Amazingly engough DR Phil is a millionaire - just by stating the obvious - derogitorily!

As for comfort?

Maybe --> with a bit of luck, if enough people could listen to DR Phil commentary.... they may feel comfortable in the fact,, that the olde worlde mentality, with the quickstep derogitory remarks that people made to each other, without the fear of getting sued --WORKED!

One simple remark, is all it takes to enlighten a fellow human being -> the problem is the lawyer that comes with the remark. -> DR Phil has a really good lawyer.

Maybe instead of frowning upon the opion of others,, you could verse yours ... however longwinded and typical it maybe (I wouldn't expect it to be anything more than what would already be popular opinion.)



elizabeth
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14 Mar 2007, 4:16 am

Thank you so much for all of your replies, I have found it quite an emotional experience to be responded to with practical and helpful suggestions instead of the normal 'get a grip of your kid' sideways look and reaction. (If only it were that simple).

I have considered the home schooling solution and have to admit that my knee jerk response is to keep him away from any situation which he might find upsetting, but I also feel that in doing that, I am just avoiding an inevitable time when Sam does have to learn to conform, twist, turn himself into what other people expect from him, and that the younger he learns that the better.

Where exactly can I get access to the social skill classes, is it via the school or something you get privately, I am beginning to realise that I am not communicating with Sam in a way he can understand, which is probably why he often looks at me with a blank stare, how do I explain why its ok to fling your arms around all of his family and cuddle them when he likes them, but not ok to do that with kids at school and that they wont enjoy it. And why cant he understand that the silly noises that he makes in class are driving his teachers mad. Are there any must read books out there.

And many thanks once again.



Erlyrisa
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14 Mar 2007, 5:29 am

I have posted this before (I really should team up with Dr Phil and write a book)

-A second outlet, to test social interaction is the best bet for a child that has trouble socialising. (note: the school interaction, is already written off, or atleast will be when real freinds could be appropriated at the secondary social outlet)

-Have you considered, CUB Scouts, or something along those lines, even Ballet classes -> as long as thier is a place for your child to test thier form of interaction on unwitting subjects(note: your child will complain for the first week -> if the feel that they fit in slightly, they may want to keep going, and they will then sacrfice all school social interaction, if they feel that they hate it, but have been their for a reasonable period -> then maybe, just maybe they have learnt to interact at school and don't care for the secondary social scene)

-->so your allowed to switch to different social groups, floating around all youth groups that are at your disposal (Just try and keep them thier, and don't pull the kid out straight away over the smallest of teasing)

---->My 2ndary organisation was scouts... here I was forced to go for atleast the first 10 meetings... then I relaxed after a while (PS. If thier are siblings make them go too - everything should be a family thing, ie you at the aerobics class is not a family thing, having to have to pick up little Johnny From Ballet and Suzie froms scouts is not a family thing)

-------> After about 2 years of scouts -> I wanted to leave becasue I thought it was boring -> my parents made me stay,,and a cpl of months later they asked again.. do you want to leave scouts? -> I just unwillingly admitted to them NO.

....why 'CLASSES' of any sort are not good? -> because non of his peers are actually his friends, it's just a place to harbour diabilities -> in effect -you think everychild in thier don't know that thhier parent has, actually Given Up on them? ->especially when they see you sipping coffee with the other soccer moms?

---Kids are not pets -they see more than you or me put together...the whole AS thing is the cause for thier abilty to see better then you.

AGAIN I say : I know it's harsh, and in the old days you would have listened to a single metaphorical sentence and understood it...today though even a paragraph don't get through.



KimJ
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14 Mar 2007, 10:17 am

Elizabeth,
I pulled my son out of a dangerous situation, an emergency of sorts, and homeschooled him for 2 months. In his situation, he was the one that was "violent" and agressive. But the school staff was provoking him and not complying with his IEP. So, removing him got him out of the immediate situation. It also gave us leverage for dealing with the district. The "kneejerk reaction" is natural, but there are practical reasons for doing so.
It's not just to shelter either. I can push my son academically a lot harder than the schools are willing to.
I wouldn't try to teach him not to do those "annoying" things. There are reasons for them. He's probably uncomfortable and needs tools to cope or communicate his discomfort.
We don't have access to social skills classes here, but I have a book I Social Skills Activities for Special Children. It's meant for teachers and classrooms, but I modify the lessons for use at home. It teaches proper social skill/behavior for school time and home. I highly recommend it.



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14 Mar 2007, 10:38 am

Erlyrisa wrote:
AS DR Phil would say
NO NO NO NO NO!

to home school - then the end result will be retardation.


OMG! My son is almost 10 and he could kick anyone's butt in history and probably math too.

Bullying is life or death. If I could have been removed from the bullying I faced in school, I'd be a far less shattered person than I am today.



Erlyrisa
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14 Mar 2007, 10:56 am

I can't imagine what hell you or anyone else had ever gone through with bullying.... but I'll enlighten you about mine... maybe we could compare notes.

-Imagine (no not all the people)

....That you arrive at Kindy and you have absolutely no friends, and no interaction... because you are so sad, and your parents know that you are... when at the dinner table having soup dad says, that Pepper makes you stronger... so what do you do, you have some in your soup... the next day you go up to the bully and say I'm stronger now, I could do it! (in a language other than the language he speaks) ...bang, straight on the nose... blood and all, then climbing and wrestling on top of me with some on lookers of the bully joining in, for the odd bit of fun.

....Primary , same thing but now you can speak english (thankfully the girls loved me so at least they were my friends) ...absolutely no friends.. and the only friend that I finally made, left at the end of the year (the other ASpie pizza delivery boy, to those that are reading my verses)

....Grade 1 .. I had no friends, but thankfully the teacher became mine. She helped the advanced kids, and the kids in general that had no friends to do other work by themselves... guess what happened ... we made friends. In the meantime the bullies did thier work, but the great part was that teacher let people stay near the principals office if they were really those type that couldn't handle the world(Teacher would tell us to shoo.. and sometimes we were locked outside to fend for ourselves)

....Grade 2 .. First time I was pissed on. I was on the ground, the kid was on the 2nd story stair case.
....Grade 2.5/3 I made friends with the Major bully... I learnt that all I had to do was laugh at his jokes... it took me a while, and to this day he calls me Tom from Tom and Jerry (Tom is actually an AS cat -> watch the funny facial expressions...the mouse is the parent)
....GRADE 3/4 (Ithink ->my memory actualy got whiped because of the anguish) -> the bully reverted back to bullying...this is a kid that I let into my home that all of a sudden decided that I should be re-outcast...imagine being on the middle of a footbal oval, with your own team during a game taking shots at you.
Thankfuully I leanrt that all I had to do was show off intelligence at the right time to be more interesting than the bully, so I started talking about Electricity, and teaching the kids about batteries and the Red Wire and the Black wire... amazingly enough even the bully was intersted.

I could go on -> but if that's not enough for anyone to gain some perspective on my opinion. Then I can't help. -> the Bully in a school is actually the versed human trait observationalist that teaches through pain. -> who knows what you would be without your life lessons.


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Apatura
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14 Mar 2007, 11:13 am

Not everyone is lucky enough to charm their bullies. Too often, they just get crushed.



Erlyrisa
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14 Mar 2007, 11:21 am

The clue is.....

my parents gave me the pepper... they gave me electricity... they went to parent teacher interviews, and even with english as thier second language understood what I needed to learn to cope. (You know the only reason they bought a Trampoline was so that I could say to kids... I have a trampoline...Of course you wouldn't be able to do that today,, you'll risk getting sued)

The idea behind bullying is to keep it up untill one of the eggs cracks.... the question is wether or not your a chicken.
(Note: I also saw some pretty darn bad bullying on others(in later years-> hihgschool).... and learnt that it is not just me,,, which was the final lesson -> and all kids make it to highschool, where the rotation class based system breeds, multiple bullies and multiple geeks to be bullied)


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14 Mar 2007, 7:00 pm

Let's get back to Elizabeth. I strongly encourage you to pursue your son's diannosis. From what you have said I see several similar traits in your son and mine. My son's dx is ADHD, Aspergers, with a dx if tourette's still pending. I'm not sure where you live but if your school system is like those here in Virginia you will probably find them more likely to label your son as a troublemaker than be helpful until you get a firm dx. Please be aware that a Dx may take a long time. Z. my son was diagnosed ADHD at about 5, Asperger's when he was almost 9, and as I said Tourette's is still pending, Yeah or nay. This may, no will be a very wearing and fristrating time for you. Hang in there you have your child's best interest at stake. Make your presence known at school, insist on IQ testing, Part of Z's trouble was boredom, he is now in gifted and talented classes. Progress will eccur, but that too will take time. Z made steady progress and had some failures, but has made vast improvement since the dx of AS compelled the school to find out what it is and how to cope with it. Until that time we were told we never had a child like this so academically advanced and so socially behind. Regretfully, I suspect they have but failed to recognize it. Wherever you are I'm sure you and your child have rights but you will have to fight for them. If you are in the USA hammer the "No Child Left Behind" and your child's right to an education on his level. At 9 Z developed his first real friend, an Adhd boy on his intellectual level. Homeschooling has some advantages, but one of the major places all kids learn social skills is in school, so I support your decision to keep him in that setting. Erlyrisa is right in saying that other social groups can also be helpful, as a former and, I suspect, a fiture Scout Leader I second that choice and stress that your son is making a commitment and should stay in until a specific goal is reached or time period achieved. I've probably rambled too much. Please keep us posted on your sons progress.


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