Greetings Aspies, I am the King of Space.

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Bizarre titles or not, I come here to see you all.

Damnit, there may actually be something to what my Aunts say...

Long story short, I have come to the realization that I may "suffer" from the one of the conditions this venerable website is dedicated to. Would "suffer" even be the correct terminology? Were I to be an... "Aspie" as you refer to them, would I have to accept and be greatful for what I am? Hell I don't even know if it's true or not... other than my psychological hypochondria kicking in after hearing that my aunt believes it to be so due to her having a good friend that is a legitimate sufferer of it, and that I "fit it to a T." Heh, I did once think myself to no only be a paranoid schizophrenic, but also major depression, dyscalcula, and bi-polar disorder (the latter I am techinically officially diagnosed with.) Of course I have no paranoid delusions, hear no voices, and my mood swings, although prevalent, are actually quite rare and pivot on external stimuli rather than internal.

I may sound like an idiot, an as*hole, a madman, or all of those at once, but really I'm a nice guy when I learn to trust you. Just a lonely, skinny, paranoid little guy who wants to be a Nurse... or a Writer... Or a journalist.. or something within those three. But then I'm clumsy as all hell(despite having done affirmations all of my life to quite the opposite, and do have agile moments... most of which were accidental) naturally paranoid, and despite being my normal friendly self I really don't like talking to people. I can't read them... I don't seem to pick up on motives, or body language(I understand Dogs more than I understand people,) and my intuition about people is s**t(I often wonder if people are just out to screw me over, and I take being ignored personally.) I keep getting the feeling that people around me are suffering or unwell when they're perfectly fine. I remember just today, I kept asking my father if he was ok when he got home from work. 6 or so times in a 10 minute timespan. He took it as if it was nothing... I suppose I've asked that question that many times. My being overconcerned for other people's wellbeing seems to be normal for me now. Constantly worrying about what people think about me, despite how much I tell them I don't.

Unrelated to the above, I have an extremely guilty conscience coupled with a tendency to occasionally say things without thinking... How I keep some friends is a miracle considering the things I've said to a couple of them... including the woman I once loved(and still vaguely feel for. I get the feeling that you never do totally get over your first love, especially when it's unrequitted.) On top of that, I have severe self worth and confidence issues. That kinda speaks for it self, so I won't go into excruciating detail.

And on top of ALL of this, I have the stress of having lost a job last year, and slowly dwindling away at my savings because I was too afraid and guilt ridden to get another job... Yes, I know, I'm a pathetic piece of crap, and that was a pathetic ploy to get a pity vote. I know it... and yet I keep doing it. Combine this with further stress from my father's recurring bouts with bladder cancer, the latest incarnation possibly costing him his bladder lest it spread(provided he can get the government to pay for it before it's too late because we can't pay for it ourselves.) Constant guilt that there's little to nothing that I can actually do about that either. Guilt is a recurring theme, so bear with me.


Think I'm crazy yet?


Hell, I mean I'm 21 years old and I only have a learners permit because I'm afraid of driving... Possibly partly due to an accident I had in freshman year in highschool. Walked out in front of a car on foot. Lucky I can still walk normally(although I get soreness and thusly a slight limp if I overexert.)

It's not that I'm a bad driving, it's just that I can't seem to pay complete attention to everything around me... or at least as much as I'd like. I seem to need to slam on the breaks alot as I drift a little bit sometimes... especially if the seat is comfortable. Might be partly due to ADHD that I had in my younger days(that I actually managed to train myself to control and overcome... but subsequently lost control of after I graduated from highschool.) Despite my intelligence I did terribly in highschool, and barely graduated. I've yet to enroll in college, and find myself in a mid-education stupor. It's as if I've been in summer vacation since 2003. God damn... four years. That realization did NOTHING to help me out with this. '

Maybe I'm just a lazy as*hole with hypochondria. Maybe this is my fault entirely, and not some disorder. I could have complete control over all of this, but not the drive to overcome. Or maybe it's some subconscious self destructive urge to run my life completely into the ground so I end up at absolute rock bottom on the street. Or to drive everyone I love and care about away from me... I'm so afraid of hurting them all though. Hurting anyone, advertantly or inadvertantly, adds even more guilt and regret to my soul.

Tired of me yet?
Damaged goods.

Every woman I've ever met has either outright rejected me or never wanted me to be more than a friend... So I gave up. Thats fine.. whatever. Hell I got trashed when I was 19 and ended up kissing another guy at a party(which I remained subdued and seperate until the booze started flowing.... of course leaving me to become a drunken clumsy idiots with even less social skill and tact than I did when sober, just lacking inhibition.) I didn't even know what I had done until I woke the next day with a massive hangover. My roommates at the time kept insissting I was gay. And for a long while I toyed with the thought. Of course, while I desired social interaction and friendship from men, and sexual interest and the like that I apparently had while I was intoxicated was gone, and didn't come back in subsequent drunken stupors. So what the hell does that even mean? At least it gave me a better insight on homosexuality(which I respect and accept.)


Tired of my life's story yet?


Ugh... family has always told me that I have no sense of timing when conversing. Cutting people off trying to get a word in edgewise, making bizarre jokes that only I laugh at, and catching wierd s**t all over the place that nobody even pays attention to. What falls between the cracks, I pick up and treasure. I laugh at jokes before I even get them out, and laugh at amusing thoughts out loud and out of the blue.

I obssess too easily, and am thoroughly enthralled in video games and the Internet.


But it's not all bad... I actually have moments of confidence despite what I've said so far. I held down a good highly social job as a supermarket clerk and stocker, and enjoyed it. I was able to actually communicate with people, bizarrely due to the fact that It was actually more impersonal than normal social interaction. As if professionalism allowed me to figure it out. I'm also comfortable around family, which is probably due to having been exposed to them long enough to know how they work. That and I trust them. I trust blood. Even they, of course, have called me unworldly.

What does unworldly mean anyway?


And why can't I shake the thought of this somehow being my fault?

Why can't I have friends like I did in highschool. They sought ME out. They came to Me because they wanted me around. I would have been happy alone, scorning the rest of the world in my own little corner of reality, safe from people I misunderstood and distrusted. Came to me and opened me up.

Of course they're all living successful lives and I'm still living with my father unable to hold a job more than a year because a couple days I was rushed or got careless with the drawer and blew it. I still regret that. Still wonder if I could have done something to keep it. And yet I still enjoy life. After all of this s**t, and all of the pain and all of the madness I still somehow hope I can get through this s**t. How can I be so split? So damaged and demented?


I'm crazy. Thats the only valid explanation I can come up with. I'm just insane. I think it was living in Florida. Florida drove me over the edge finally. I mean I stopped getting major hyperactivity spells(which qualified as manic episodes in my diagnosis for bipolar. As an added note, while I was perscribed medication, my father gave me constant s**t about side effects and distrusting psychiatrists and drug companies so I gave in and never started taking the medication, just to get a bunch of 'I told you so's when it turned out that what I was perscribed(Seroquel) was the center of recent lawsuits.)
I remember one night a year or two ago that I ran up to the local conveniance store in the dead of night because I wanted a soda and some chips. It was as if I didn't have control. I was jittery, quick in movement and quick in speech. The clerk must have though I was taking speed or something.


Ok, I'm done babbling like a crazy person now.


Also I'm a night person which is why I'm up at 5:04 am EST, and... I forgot what I was about to say. Oh, right... It's Andy if you don't want to call me RadHaz or R.H.

As you may or may not have noticed I also have a tendency to change what I'm thinking and subsequently writing as it comes in my head. It's a very old habit, and to me it looks like what I might actually be verbalizing if this was a verbal passage. It's bizarre, I know, but I can't seem to shake the habit.

EDIT: last note. In before TLDR.

As another note(I apologize for the double post,) yes I know I should see a professional about my concerns. Unfortunately, my financial instability makes that, and any possible subsequent treatment, impossible for the time being. At least without tax dollars being used.


Should have also mentioned that I'm deathly afraid of rejection. Abandonment is something I have difficulty with too.


I might end up amending this quite a bit, and thusly marring my own credibility, thusly making me look as if I'm explaining all of this to get attention that you percieve me to feel I am deeply deprived of. Thusly this makes me look bad and will eventually have my ostricised from this community for being an annoying attention whore.


Every warning bell in the back of my brain says "RUN AWAY! THEY WON'T LIKE YOU! RUN! THIS IS POINTLESS!"

Hi!

Welcome to Wrongplanet!

I hope you enjoy posting here!

Nice to meet you Andy! Welcome to WP!

Just concentrate on the basics for a while:

1. Eat proper amounts of nutritious food - keep your blood sugar stable.
2. Drink 6 to 8 small glasses of water a day (about every other hour, drink a little water).
3. Get 8 hours of sleep - keep regular sleep pattern. Meditate to calm your mind if you can't turn it off.
4. Start an exercise program, starting slow at first.
5. When anxious or too excited, concentrate on your breathing and slo-o-ow it down.
6. Think kindly of yourself.

Have fun with the friends you will meet here! The answers to who you are will come to you over your lifetime.

One last piece of an-asked for advice :

Feeling lost in life?
Sweep.
Feeling hyperactive?
Sweep.
Feeling depressed?
Sweep.
Lost a girl?
Sweep.
Need a job?
Sweep.
Do you find it hard to finish what you start?
Sweep.
Need an incentive to start school?
Sweep.
Do you want to learn to be thorough?
Sweep.
Do you want to learn a lifelong skill?
Sweep.
Do you lack for something to do?
Sweep.
Do you find it hard to meditate?
Sweep.
Do you worry too much? Or about the future? Or your dad?
Sweep.
Do you want an antidote to excesses?
Sweep.
Do you want to create order?
Sweep.

You are beginning a new venture here. Do you know how to begin any new venture? Sweep.

You are just a normal 21 year old aspie. We all feel like that.

I always looked for jobs on the night shift where I was the only person in the building. I did photographic darkroom work.

You know yourself, now you are still stuck with being a human. A bummer I know, but there you jolly well are.

Our advantage is most humans can not work alone. Fire watch used to be a good job. Living in a cabin on top of a tower in the middle of nowhere drove most people nuts. We relax.

There are lots of jobs that work for us. I an in New Orleans, but before we lost the city I had a good IT business. Everyone needs a geek. At $75 an hour they did not want to talk. The tools of the trade fit in a brief case. Now I stay home and print books, it pays.

Most 21 year olds are just as bad as you. They lack the ability to understand it, verbalize, and have no idea of doing something. I say you are ahead of the game.

You did OK at work, shop for a new job. People are needed to work alone on the night shift. It is like shoes, find a good fit. You sit around with too much energy, not good, become a janitor, do the eigth floor every night, get the body working.

We do come up in a buzz, it passes. Hyperactive applied to mopping halls turns it into money. Money is good, getting tired is good.

Keep posting, we all know the aspie stuff, so find new material.

[quote="RadiationHazard]

The one thing I cannot stand more than any other chore is sweeping XD.Much appreciated, don't get me wrong. [/quote]

actually I think you took him literally. The point is, no matter what happens every day, you still stare up at the same bedroom ceiling every night.



All still new to me, and I still have my doubts... I suppose it has to do with dealing with my father... which leads to something else I read about. I am completely unable to block him out. Especially when he's at his worst. No one else seems to notice how much he repeats the same annoying and bizarre things he repeats throughout some days. He says he's not trying to annoy me, and I believe him now. I think I understand WHY I can't block it out.... I simply "can't." It wasn't within my ability to control to begin with. My other big fear, the inability to control things around me. The inability to prevent change.[/quote]

well, forget about preventing change, that just ain't gonna happen.

Please keep in mind that Autism and High Functioning Autism and Asperger's Syndrome runs in families, so its a good chance your father can no more stop making his outbursts than you can block him out. Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against them , someone said.

you are starting a great adventure now knowing what is going on with you, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.


Merl

Hi!
I think we chatted briefly in the err...chat room.

from you post you sound a lot like me, which either means we both belong here or not.

anyway... if you see me around, say hi.

HI

In addendum, and speaking to friends, I'm having severe doubts as well.


I have most of the signs... save for one. Partial, to near full, empathy. Alot of times I don't get it, but most of the time I do. Only around people i know and trust though. I find myself almost immediately aware of having "burned" someone. This goes with the testimony of friends I've consulted. They claim to have direct experiance with dealing with folks of this affliction, and that I have the empathy they lack. So what does that mean? What is the neccesary Severity for treatment? And if it's just all in my head, I feel like such a fraud. Such a hack. Seeking help in a place that can't help me and wasting valuable time on someone who doesn't need the help others so rightly deserve.

I fear that i've been a burden and a waste of your time.


Of course, If my memory serves, I've been dealing with these difficulties for 11 years at very least with no outside influence or any inkling of whats up upstairs... Could i have learned empathy on own my without even realizing it? I do know that I get alot of false positives from people...

RadiationHazard,

It has been mentioned here more than several times that not one of us fit the Dx.

People withdrawn from the world become socially active here. There is a lot of caring, empathy, mutual support.

It was a real shock to me when after sixty years of being one wierd misfit, I recently discovered this place and a bunch of other people who think as I do, where there is mutual understanding, and I summed it up as, I grew up in a UHF world, and discovered that I am VHF, and now the signals come in loud and clear.

That is still consistant across gender and age.

A second point is social skills developed here where we are comfortable, do spill over into the rest of the world.

I have always thought that the whole world was wrong, and I was right. Now I find 10,000 other right people. Perhaps the world is not wrong, they are only slow learners, and very bad teachers.

There are many ways to view anything. The Dx is from the best of a professional class that works for parents, teachers, and other owners. What they said is right for them.

Here we read. Where the world thinks in words, we think in pictures, where the world mostly have no mental images, and at best a small wire frame image in black and white, we can create and run fulll color movies within, we can also edit, freeze frame, and change channels. The world dreams in partial images, short scenes in black and white, we dream in living color, and sometimes Lucid Dream and become aware we are dreaming with freedom of action within the dream.

Self defined and with a like group we are very different than the Dx. The world does see somewrong with us, and from their limited view, cannot even get a glimmer of the real us. So they equate wrong with lesser, and treat us badly.

Empathy is feelings for another, pity is feelings for a lesser creature. I have pity for the world. Empathy is a shared feeling among equals, what I feel for you.

The world is not a total failure. Through interacting with them I have grreatly improved my social communication with dogs. They have a lot in common. I like dogs.

I see you are on the right track, diving in and talking with lots of people, finding they make sense and the understanding is mutual. What a strange feeling it is. Better to discover it at 21 than at 60.

Thanks very much, and sorry that I'm being a little difficult. This is alot to take in.



One last little not.... I've noticed that i've become very active here,but until i'm working again, I'll have a tendency to disappear for days, and even weeks at a time. You see, my father blames all of my problems on the Internet, the very place I've come to see as my primary outlet. I have no real social life outside of him... however, I spend a little too much time here. His solution is to completely cut me off in order to force the issue and get work. I've been trying in my own slow methodical way, but I can't seem to get myself to get out there. Never really have. My last job was based hugely on chance and a surprisingly good impression. There's very little opportunity in this little dinky town anyway. Of course while I have the experiance on the road neccesary to get a full license(A lack of being what botched my last interview), I'm ignorant of Florida state laws, as well as lacking a car or my own. No money for one. I'm in a bit of a bind. Much to my guilt, all I can ever find myself doing is just escaping to this kind of stuff. Running away like a coward.

Ok so long story short, I may not be seen online for the next few days, a week, or more. But I'm OK now and probably will be during that time. See ya around the bend.

You are very welcome!

RadiationHazard,

We all have bad days, sometimes a lot in a row, but in the few you have been here, I vote you a very changed person. All of it was good.

All of these good folks will be here when you return. I have been reading your posts, you are a caring and feeling person.

We do have that human problem about eating, making a living, and most jobs are not the high point of life.

We offered you support, you went in the forums and supported others. You are a good man.

You are young with the magic of life before you, you are not alone. Hurry back, you will be missed.

Depends on when I get access. It's not so much a good by as an explanation of why I may disappear for long periods of time.