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aaronkt
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 30, 2005
Posts: 246
Location: Alabama
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 Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 9:47 pm Post subject: What would you do if your teenwas part of the popular crowd. |
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This is a hypothetical question for many. If you had a teenager who was part of the so called popular crowd in high school (i.e. jock, cheerleader, class president, etc) how would you handle it and go about rasing them and interacting with them, from an AS point of view? I ask this because many AS students who are taunted or shut out is usually by this crowd of people. I will admit I would be somewhat jealous because my kid would be getting to do things I did not do. However, if he or she were popular for the right reasons, such as being smart, or being nice to all the students reguardless of ability/disability/race/economic status, then it would not be so bad. I don't mind my popular teen being active in the school, as long as she or he includes people of all status and not just the popular kids.
As far as dating goes, I would feel very uncomfortable with my child dating one on one in high school and having a boyfriend or girlfriend. One, it would bring back memories of being shut out. Two, teens don't need to be looking for their future husband and wife and should concentrate on school instead. Third, I don't want my child ending up like Natalee Holloway. Four, exclusive dating relationships shuts people out, including parents. If my teen had a boyfriend or girlfriend, I would feel they were trying to shut me out as a parent.
I guess I'd let them go to prom. The only reason being my senior prom date was with a cheerleader friend who graduated a year before me. Of course, if he or she wound up getting drunk and losing their virginity on prom night, if I found out, I would spank them as hard as I could and ground them until they left for college.
The homecomming court is what the most difficult part would be. For those who don't live in America, homecomming court is very popular among high school. It's usually held in the fall during football season, and sometimes spring during basketball if the shcool does not have a football team. During halftime of the game, the dads escort their daughters out onto the football field to be recognized for homecomming court. The winner is crowned king and queen. At my school, the queen was crowned on the football field and the king was crowned at the dance.
Having to escort my daughter out onto the football field would be completely anxiety provoking for me. Part of it again has to do with what I had to go through in high school and what I was shut out of. Part of it is standing in front of all those people and how if you have an anxiety attack, it will look bad on your daughter. I guess the big thing is having to give up control of my daughter, seeing her grow up. I don't like the thought of some homecomming king guy taking my daughter away. To be honest, I would probably skip out on this part because I could not go through with that part. I don't think I could handle escorting my daughter down the aisle on her wedding day (heck, I'm not sure if I could even handle my own wedding day).
Basically, I would be more aware of what my son or daughter's social life if they were part of the popular crowd in high school. I would have more control over it because of what I had to go through. |
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anbuend
Oak-Type Autie
Joined: Jul 06, 2004
Posts: 3200
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| Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 10:03 pm Post subject: |
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I would want to make sure that they were well aware of what things are like from the other side. One of my friends who is autistic was befriended by an NT from the popular crowd who happened to also be a decent person and not want to put people down. If my child were popular I would want them to be that sort of popular person, the kind of person who is popular because they are nice, not popular because they put people down.
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Endersdragon
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2005
Posts: 1666
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| Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 10:15 pm Post subject: |
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I would spank them and tell them to stop it. jkjkjkjkjkjk. Nah I would probably do the same as ^.
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ilikedragons
Lady Dragon
Joined: Oct 13, 2004
Posts: 1471
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| Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 10:42 pm Post subject: |
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| What do you mean end up like Natalee Holloway? I know she got murdered by a couple guys, but what? |
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nirrti
Raven
Joined: Jun 24, 2005
Posts: 116
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| Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 10:45 pm Post subject: |
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My mother's in that situation right now with my 17 year-old NT sister. Although my mother isn't an aspie per se, I think she probably falls somewhere on the high functioning spectrum because she has many of the traits. My sister's not only popular, but has an above 4.0 GPA, is on the varsity basketball team at her school, is high jump champion in her division, ranking #3 in the city and looks like a tall, black barbie doll.
My mother, however, says my sister has her mean, sneaky ways so she has to be on her constantly, making sure she keeps on the strait and narrow and not be "ghetto" like a lot of her friends. She also makes her go to church every Sunday, even though my sister isn't thrilled about it. My sister is a good girl but a little hard for a non-NT mother to understand at times, especially when said sister talks on the phone constantly while mother doesn't want to even touch it or when said sister is so worried about being cool around friends she won't ride step-father's old, red truck without ducking when she sees someone she knows. 
I guess the best way you can raise an NT or any kind of child is to give him a good, solid moral foundation, making sure they stay away from negative influences and know how to make good choices regardless of whether you're present or not. And making sure they learn tolerance for people who are different is essential. You may even use your experience as an example of how our actions affect others.
But doen't be jealous of your child. Believe me, they will have plenty of issues to contend with, NT or not. And don't be afraid if they want to do the teenage stuff you missed out on because excluding them will only make them resent you and of course, your doing that would be out of unresolved issues that aren't the child's fault. |
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pyraxis
Phoenix
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Joined: Mar 26, 2005
Posts: 1527
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| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 3:31 am Post subject: |
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I think it's very important not to let your own issues cloud your judgement about your child. It's a fact of life that many teens start dating in high school. If your daughter wants to date and you forbid her, she will do the same thing that I've seen daughters of strictly religious parents do - she'll date anyway and lie to you about it. As for her shutting out her parents... I know from my experience with my own parents that it's a fact of life, and trying to delay it only causes problems - anger and hostility and the desire to move out as soon as possible. Independence is a big deal at that age.
It's just as unfair of you to expect her to conform to your AS standards as it would be for an NT father to expect his AS daughter to act NT. |
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Tom
bass martian
Joined: Oct 20, 2004
Posts: 1237
Location: Where you least expect it
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| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 3:41 am Post subject: Re: What would you do if your teenwas part of the popular cr |
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| aaronkt wrote: | As far as dating goes, I would feel very uncomfortable with my child dating one on one in high school and having a boyfriend or girlfriend. One, it would bring back memories of being shut out. Two, teens don't need to be looking for their future husband and wife and should concentrate on school instead. Third, I don't want my child ending up like Natalee Holloway. Four, exclusive dating relationships shuts people out, including parents. If my teen had a boyfriend or girlfriend, I would feel they were trying to shut me out as a parent.
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hmmm, but I don't think you'd be able to stop them! Thats what teens do and you can't watch them 24 hours a day! i think it would be normal for them to shut out the parent for the partner!
| aaronkt wrote: | | I guess I'd let them go to prom. The only reason being my senior prom date was with a cheerleader friend who graduated a year before me. Of course, if he or she wound up getting drunk and losing their virginity on prom night, if I found out, I would spank them as hard as I could and ground them until they left for college. |
what about if they sleep around at college? and how wou;d you find out?! |
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duncvis
Stroppy Get
Joined: Sep 11, 2004
Posts: 2286
Location: the dark side of the net
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| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:00 am Post subject: |
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I would let them know that its fine to have fun with your friends and enjoy the attention, but that bullying and exclusion are inherently wrong (and really shallow). With my kids I have drummed into them that bullying and mean behaviour is pretty much the only thing I won't tolerate - and come down on like a ton of bricks. If I caught a popular child of mine indulging in that kind of sneering mean-spirited crap they would be grounded and excluded from family activities before they could say 'loser' - until they understood what it feels like to be excluded and picked on, and learned to act accordingly. Teaching your kids to value their own differences and that being quirky makes you more interesting may also lead to them having a wider circle of friends, and be nicer people for it. 
As regards dating, I really don't have a problem with that, and any attempt to impose your own issues on a teenager is doomed to failure and more secretive behaviour. And frankly, attempting to spank an 18 year old for losing their virginity is a little excessive, don't you think?  Not that it will stop them going nuts when they get off the leash anyway. 'If you can't be good, be careful' is a more sensible lesson to instill in them to keep them safe.
Dunc |
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hale_bopp
Ruffle some Feathers
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 23
Posts: 6219
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:23 am Post subject: |
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I'd probably come down harsh on stuff they do, I'm more obsessed with hating brats and rude children rather than people that think they're cool.
I would be tempted to be rude to any jock friends, as I had real trouble with the jocks at school. I had few problems with the "cheerleaders" at highschool.
You say don't take your pain out on them, but we're only human.
I would try to be as fair as I could. |
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Tom
bass martian
Joined: Oct 20, 2004
Posts: 1237
Location: Where you least expect it
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| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:37 am Post subject: |
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| so a Jock is a sporty person I take it? |
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Sanityisoverrated
Phoenix
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Joined: Jul 11, 2004
Posts: 1382
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| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 9:16 am Post subject: |
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I thought a Jock was a scottish person?
Anyway, yeah I'd hate my kids to be popular and well liked. That would just be the pits. I think I'd have to hang around and make bad dad-jokes and flirt with their friends to embarass them.  |
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aaronkt
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 30, 2005
Posts: 246
Location: Alabama
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| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 10:03 am Post subject: |
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| tom wrote: | | so a Jock is a sporty person I take it? |
Yes. It generally refers to football players. |
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Namiko
snape-o-doodle
Joined: Jun 14, 2005
Posts: 2439
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| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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Well, it is the jocks who are also popular who I have a problem with. Some of my best guy friends also play football (American football, not football in other parts of the world) and they're nice to me. And I'm nice to them and we're friends.
I also have a few NT, popular friends at my school. All the people who I choose as friends (and it's a pretty selective process) have earned my respect for how they treat others, including Jen and I. (Jen's one of my best friends, but she's not popular.) I don't have any problem with having friends like that, as long as they're nice and accept others who are different. That does not mean I will go anywhere near the "popular" group during school functions because there are some that are very mean to me.
If I had an NT kid, I wouldn't mind he or she going out for sports and stuff like that. I'd make it clear that they were to be kind to everyone, even if their friends weren't. When I was younger, I was teased a lot by the popular kids (and still am sometimes), so I'd make sure they treated others well. I don't know what I'd do about dating. Perhaps something more informal than most teens.
As a teenager, I do not date, nor do I believe it is right, but I probably wouldn't stop them. I mean, parents would have to meet boyfriend/girlfriend, have to have plans of what they're doing, cell phone, curfew, etc. I'd let them go to prom and other school dances, discourage one-on-one dating, and encourage doing things with a group of friends, even if everyone has couples within the group and hold them accountable for their actions.
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earthmonkey
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 06, 2005
Age: 18
Posts: 414
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| Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 12:18 am Post subject: |
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My family's kind of weird, as far as siblings are concerned...one aspieg girl, one popular, promiscuous girl, and an artistic girl with a few close friends. Oh well. They're both moved out, and they didn't give me much trouble anyway.
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thatrsdude
Proud owner of a custom title
Joined: Jul 15, 2005
Posts: 1176
Location: SA, Australia
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| Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 1:21 am Post subject: |
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I wouldn't worry about it too much because if I didn't accept my child for what he/she is as a jock, that would make me just as bad as a jock parent who doesn't except aspies...
I think it would be kind of strange if your child turned out to be a popular kid after being raised by aspies. It would probably show that I did something right that my parents didnt for them to not turn out with the same problems...
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Last edited by thatrsdude on Thu Jul 28, 2005 11:27 am; edited 2 times in total |
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