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laplantain
Toucan
Joined: May 24, 2005
Posts: 284
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 Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 12:53 am Post subject: Anyone married to an aspie male? |
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Is there anywhere you can go to just rank and let off steam with other women who understand you and the frustrations of dealing with an aspie man without getting accused of aspie-bashing?!!!
I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ticked off right now I could scream!
ugh! |
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Asparval
The Big Chicken
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Posts: 1175
Location: UK
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| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 2:59 am Post subject: |
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But we're lovely really 
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Smelena
Cure Neurotypicals Now!
Joined: Apr 02, 2007
Posts: 2117
Location: Australia
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schleppenheimer
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 01, 2006
Posts: 868
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| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 10:23 am Post subject: |
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There has to be a good chunk of us who are married to an aspie male, or we wouldn't be having aspie children, would we? (Seriously, would we?)
So what's got you so ticked off?
Kris |
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tracylynn
Blue Jay
Joined: Aug 13, 2005
Posts: 98
Location: upstate NY
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| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 10:27 am Post subject: |
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I understand, but then I'm a NT. Not married, but have been in a long distance relationship for 2.5 years (in which I do all the driving, phoning blah blah).
When I first realized that alot of the issues I was having with my bf pointed to AS, I spent a good deal of time here (and researching in general), and got alot of insight from both Aspies and NTs. He has been completely unwilling to consider that AS may be a contributing factor, and basically has forbidden me to raise the issue again.
Now, 2.5 years down the road, I'm worn out from trying to find some common ground for our two very different styles of relating. At the foundation, I think we love each other very much, but I doubt that we'll ever overcome the obstacles. I've been focusing on the distance as the main obstacle, but I think I've been kidding myself. The primary difficulty is in our styles and expectations for intimacy and emotional communication. I've been very reluctant to place any "blame" on him, but I can no longer ignore that my needs in the relationship require alot more intimacy and emotional communication than I think he can muster.
For whatever neurotic reasons of my own, it is VERY hard for me to put myself first. If I don't, there's not a chance in hell I'll ever get what I need.
Im reluctant to end it ... both because I have such a deep soft spot for him, and because I'm fearful of hurting him. On the other hand, he may just be overwhelmingly relieved not to feel the pressure to communicate on an intimate emotional level.
ack. Any insights appreciated.  |
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laplantain
Toucan
Joined: May 24, 2005
Posts: 284
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| Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 11:28 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, I'm over it a little bit, but as I told smelena, I will post anyway in case anyone can help me have a little more patience for this man!!!
yesterday my husband was accusing me of agreeing to some home repairs that I didn't agree to. Then he rolled his eyes at me and said that he couldn't believe that I had forgotten that I agreed, because he wrote a letter to our home owner's association without my knowledge. I finally convinced him that I never agreed to anything of the kind. I, in my own aspie way, can pretty much recall conversations verbatim, plus I am positive that I didn't agree to what he was saying.
I was still talking about it and asking questions about it just before the accusations. The thing that ticked me off was that after he realized that he was wrong, there was no kind of apology or acknowledgement of the disrespectful way he treated me. Doesn't everyone pretty much know that after accusing someone of something and rolling their eyes, they are supposed to apologize? Even our 4 yr old son will say he is sorry when he knows he's done something wrong.
Plus, I am sick of him having these imaginary conversations in his own head and thinking that they are real. I don't think that even has anything to do with being an aspie!!! |
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dawndeleon
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 14, 2007
Age: 31
Posts: 723
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| Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 8:04 pm Post subject: |
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| ok, here i have one....a lack of tact when it comes to fashion. A hard time admitting they are wrong, and a tendency to be a little selfish and really sensitive about it. I also am an aspie, so it gets really frustrating when we dont understand each others needs. The honesty really makes things a lot easier, though. It can seem a little insensitive at times, and sometimes he picks things apart... he lets me know when dinner wasnt so great and when it was. You just have to learn to take these things not so seriously, and understand that it hurts for a lot of aspies to lie about things and they usually are not tacking on any blame for dinner they dont like or an unflattering outfit, they are merely declaring information with little or no malicious intent. when they say they love you, they mean it.... when they say they are sorry, even in a low voice, they mean it. That, and you can tell when they are in a bad mood or if they are bothered by something. they physically show it. |
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siuan
Phoenix
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Joined: Aug 07, 2007
Posts: 1269
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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Try being with an AS guy for 7 years and not knowing he was an aspie until quite recently! UGH! It was quite frustrating, confusing, hurtful and infuriating at times. See, I thought he was an NT with a self-control and perhaps a bit of a selfishness problem. In hindsight, I feel awful about the way I reacted to him sometimes knowing now that it was AS. He wasn't being a selfish jerk, he was just locked up. Knowing that he has AS has helped all of us.
Now we're living autistically ever after, lol, because we all have it. We're much more considerate of each other's issues, feelings and needs now.
IF you ever need to talk or vent, feel free to look me up and send me a PM. I'll listen, I'll understand, and then I'll remind you that AS men also have some very wonderful traits in addition to the infuriating ones. 
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They tell me I think too much. I tell them they don't think enough. |
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siuan
Phoenix
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Joined: Aug 07, 2007
Posts: 1269
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 10:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Asparval wrote: | | But we're lovely really |
Yes we are, aren't we? hehe
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They tell me I think too much. I tell them they don't think enough. |
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LadyMacbeth
They made me do it.
Joined: May 28, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 1400
Location: In the girls toilets at Hogwarts, washing the blood off my hands.
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 10:35 pm Post subject: |
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I'm practically married to one, but being more aspie than he is, I can't complain! 
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We are the mutant race!!!! Don't look at my eyes, don't look at my face... |
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poopylungstuffing
Bohemian Cave dweller
Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Age: 33
Posts: 3554
Location: not otherwise specified
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| Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 12:51 am Post subject: |
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Like me (probably)..Flakey is more ADD than Aspie, but has alot of similar issues.
We are not married, maybe because we are too distracted to get married....what is the point...we live together...
he is definitely not NT...and neither am I.
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Asparval
The Big Chicken
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Posts: 1175
Location: UK
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| Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 2:13 am Post subject: |
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| LadyMacbeth wrote: | | I'm practically married to one, but being more aspie than he is, I can't complain! |
Are you lovely too?
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LadyMacbeth
They made me do it.
Joined: May 28, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 1400
Location: In the girls toilets at Hogwarts, washing the blood off my hands.
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| Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 10:53 am Post subject: |
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I'm "adorable" 
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We are the mutant race!!!! Don't look at my eyes, don't look at my face... |
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fivecents
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 23, 2007
Posts: 362
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 4:19 pm Post subject: |
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LOL! I have learned to not take those “conversations” he has in his head that we never had seriously. He thinks we have been to places we haven’t been to as well.
The most important thing to remember is your emotions will stay higher longer than his, which is why you are infuriated for so long. As soon as he realizes his error, his emotion toward the interaction is over. Time to move on. Our brains just work differently and they don’t shut off, they cool off slowly. Best thing to do is develop ways to keep yourself from becoming overly emotional or controlling in the first place, as I am sure you have discovered.
Remember, these men are different than what you are used to dealing with. It just takes time for us to adjust. I don’t need an “I’m sorry” or “I love you” (which was a demand in previous relationships), I just need him to continue acting like the man I fell in love with. I always know when he is over something because he reverts back to business as usual. I learned to give him space and let things ride. What is so very important is although there is no apology, when things are back to normal I know he is over it, period. How great is that? Better than most guys who apologize and don’t mean it and hold resentment and treat you one way when they feel another.
If you ever need to vent, feel free to PM me. Every situation is different, but being able to just vent without someone giving you advice or telling you what to do is such a relief. |
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