 
Support Wrong Planet Awareness!
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Creechik
Emu Egg
Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 2
|
 Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 7:35 pm Post subject: Lack of intimate friendships/relationships |
 |
|
| Hi: I'm new. Just wondering if you other women have this issue. I desire friendships & relationships, but when it comes down to it, I feel like they're too much work & back away. I pursue these relationships doggedly, sometimes, then it's as if I think, "Wow, if this person likes me back, there must be something wrong with him/her!" This relates to girl-pals, & boyfriends/romance. Even when I start a job or new social situation, I feel like I have to struggle to act a certain way, ("normal?"), in order to keep things from blowing up, and it's hard work. Typically, it blows up anyway. Anybody else feel like that? |
|
| Back to top |
|
MrMark
Abstract Data Type
Joined: Jul 04, 2006
Age: 50
Posts: 9402
Location: Tallahassee, FL
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:30 pm Post subject: Re: Lack of intimate friendships/relationships |
|
|
| Creechik wrote: | | I desire friendships & relationships, but when it comes down to it, I feel like they're too much work & back away. |
Yeah. Lots of work. Sometimes it seems like too much.
_________________
"It dives in shallows for beakfuls of moss, heads to sandy isles to preen its feathers. It was ready to fly off all by itself, then found its reflection and lingered."
- Xie Tiao |
|
| Back to top |
|
DaQwerk
Snowy Owl
Joined: May 02, 2007
Posts: 156
Location: Land of the Orange Dragonfly
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Yes I do...most of the time I feel this way. I have always felt this way.
I can't imagine myself NOT feeling that way.
_________________
I've got a luv'ly bunch of coconuts....roll a bowl a ball a penny a pitch |
|
| Back to top |
|
riverotter
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 11, 2007
Age: 35
Posts: 744
Location: the greater Milwaukee area
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:50 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I know- I see people seemingly effortlessly able to "make a friendship connection." There are so many unspoken rules I never knew. Now that I know some of the rules I try to follow them but it is so hard to feel connected for real, not just (for instance) because we both recently had knee surgery.
I don't mean effortlessly exactly, as I know that maintaining a relationship takes care and attention, but that some women are just able to bond easily with other women.
For awhile I had decided that I am not really a woman- then I found out that a lot of other aspies feel "gender-neutral." |
|
| Back to top |
|
ZanneMarie
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 28, 2007
Posts: 2302
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:24 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I have friends although most are NTs and I notice that they tend to work very hard to maintain contact with me. I feel bad, but I get lost in my own world of interests and writing. Since high school I've warned people interested in being friends with me that I am a difficult friend at best. My one Aspie (suspected Aspie I should say) friend is just like me. We'll go for long periods not speaking, then suddenly talk as if no time has passed at all.
My husband makes friends easily. He's totally in tune with the NT thing. He has typical NT friends and we share intellectual NT friends where I can talk to them about interesting things. They aren't into social chitchat. He doesn't take me around those friends because I'll get up and wander away. It isn't that I think they are bad, but I'm just not interested in talking about tv shows as if they are real, gossip, children, etc. If they wanted to talk about Jupiter, dark matter or super novas, I'd be right there, but not the other stuff. So that's how we work it.
Look for people who share your interests and forget what NTs term friendship. You're not going to be interested in that anyway and who cares if you are? NT socializing is just a constant way of assessing friend or foe, team member or opponent, etc. They are just assessing each other as to how well they will fit in the social cooperative. That's cool for them because it's what their brain gears them toward, but you have your own thing. There's plenty of places to find people who like the same particular interests as you. Go find them and hang out talking about those things. Don't let other people define what works for you.
_________________
People say I'm crazy
doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings
to save me from ruin |
|
| Back to top |
|
Yupa
Avatar of Evil
Joined: May 15, 2005
Age: 18
Posts: 1299
Location: Florida
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:29 pm Post subject: Re: Lack of intimate friendships/relationships |
|
|
| Creechik wrote: | | This relates to girl-pals, & boyfriends/romance. |
Why only those two types of relationships?
Do you deny that platonic friendships between members of opposite genders are equally important? |
|
| Back to top |
|
JohnnyCarcinogen
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jun 30, 2007
Posts: 184
Location: Missouri, USA
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:49 pm Post subject: Re: Lack of intimate friendships/relationships |
|
|
| Creechik wrote: | | Hi: I'm new. Just wondering if you other women have this issue. I desire friendships & relationships, but when it comes down to it, I feel like they're too much work & back away. I pursue these relationships doggedly, sometimes, then it's as if I think, "Wow, if this person likes me back, there must be something wrong with him/her!" This relates to girl-pals, & boyfriends/romance. Even when I start a job or new social situation, I feel like I have to struggle to act a certain way, ("normal?"), in order to keep things from blowing up, and it's hard work. Typically, it blows up anyway. Anybody else feel like that? |
Sometimes, yes. It takes time to learn all the idiosyncrasies of the modern social world, due to the fact that it has little logic in it whatsoever. For some reason we seem to have to learn each social nuance one-at-a-time, and not only is it tedious and frustrating, it can make you want to throw your hands in the air and give up.
I haven't, though, and it's paid off - not much, but it has. I'm still learning.
_________________
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."
- The Lorax by Dr. Seuss
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes an act of rebellion."
- George Orwell |
|
| Back to top |
|
Creechik
Emu Egg
Joined: Jan 15, 2008
Posts: 2
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 7:17 am Post subject: Lack of intimate friendships/relationships |
|
|
Thanks for all the feedback, everybody. It made me feel a little more "normal," esp the recommendation to avoid defining friendship in NT terms. As for the two populations I mentioned, (girlpals & boyfriends/romance), that probably didn't come out right. The platonic friends I get along with the best seem to be guys, because I think NT women have a lot more rules in their relationships, & many (not all) such women have such self-esteem issues that they seem to really enjoy seeing their friends fail. Guys (again, not all) are more superficial, and that makes them easier to connect with comfortably. If I don't follow the "friendship rules," they don't care, and they can handle honesty better ("Yes, that sweater does make you look fat!  ). Furthermore, I can handle their "honesty" better, because I don't sense hidden agendas as often. Again, I think women hurt their women friends sometimes because they've been made to feel like less than what they are. It's sad, really. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Triangular_Trees
What is right is sometimes found on the left.
Joined: Jul 18, 2007
Posts: 1977
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 11:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I have one close friend. Sometiems I want more but then I remember what my life was like when I had more, and realize I don't want to live like that. I need a lot of alone time |
|
| Back to top |
|
notlurkingwell
Hummingbird
Joined: Jul 05, 2007
Posts: 19
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I've only ever really needed one friend at a time. Other friendships seem to be based on whatever interest we have in common at the time and when that's over I just fail miserably at keeping in touch. It almost seems that without the common interest I just tend to 'forget' about them - or withdraw because I find it difficult or lose interest without the common bond.
Luckily, my friend now is my friend for the rest of my life.
I married him.
Disappointment in myself for being a crap friend is over. Phew. Our common interest is our life together. |
|
| Back to top |
|
riverotter
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 11, 2007
Age: 35
Posts: 744
Location: the greater Milwaukee area
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 11:09 am Post subject: |
|
|
| notlurkingwell wrote: | | ... Other friendships seem to be based on whatever interest we have in common at the time and when that's over I just fail miserably at keeping in touch. It almost seems that without the common interest I just tend to 'forget' about them - or withdraw because I find it difficult or lose interest without the common bond... |
Is this wrong or bad in some way? |
|
| Back to top |
|
ZanneMarie
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 28, 2007
Posts: 2302
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 11:55 am Post subject: |
|
|
| riverotter wrote: | | notlurkingwell wrote: | | ... Other friendships seem to be based on whatever interest we have in common at the time and when that's over I just fail miserably at keeping in touch. It almost seems that without the common interest I just tend to 'forget' about them - or withdraw because I find it difficult or lose interest without the common bond... |
Is this wrong or bad in some way? |
Who cares? If it works for you, just do it. Don't let someone tell you it's wrong.
_________________
People say I'm crazy
doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings
to save me from ruin |
|
| Back to top |
|
mel01
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jan 14, 2008
Posts: 135
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:51 am Post subject: |
|
|
| if i do bond with anyone the tend to be males,although at my age now a lot of people assume your after their boyfriends or just seem to presume because i cant maintain eye contact untill i feel safe and im crap at chit chat that im not worth taking the time to get to know, so sod them all. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
