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Does My Boyfriend Have Asperger's??
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heyley
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 1:54 am    Post subject: Does My Boyfriend Have Asperger's?? Reply with quote

I know this may be weird, but I’ve been studying autism and happened upon some asperger's syndrome information just recently. The thing is, I almost think my boyfriend (who is 30 years old just in case that might matter...) may have some very mild form of it. I have read all the diagnostic criteria, and am not sure he fits in perfectly, but that is hard to diagnose since I’m not an expert nor am I a professional. I was hoping someone might read this and tell me what they think, or point me in a better direction. Again, I am not sure if this is just some personality problem, or something bigger…but I swear he has some social problems…whether it is aspergers or not.

It all started with his being unable to communicate, and it causing huge problems in our relationship, and then I started seeing other things that were related...and then I happened upon the asperger's information....here we go: He told me he liked to be alone as a child, and hates looking back to his school years because he never fit in and didn't have friends really...said he always felt different. He doesn’t participate in much two way conversing: I ask him questions he answers and has lots to say because he knows a lot of information, (He is fantastically brilliant and has the most amazing detailed memory, and remembers the most insignificant details, and knows WAY too many words.) but once he is done talking, it’s like it’s over…he doesn’t engage me. He rarely asks questions to others, and is seemingly in his own world a lot, sometimes he can just go on and on about a topic too…and although it is not a particularly strange topic, I think he forgets he’s having a two way conversation.

He plays lots of video games and is borderline obsessed with star wars and things like such (he knows everything about star wars…EVERYTHING). He has a very hard time expressing emotions and will spend much time quietly thinking of how to articulate himself when it comes to self-expressing…and usually gets really frustrated that he can't..he however has no problem verbalizing information or opinions….and he can write his feelings much more clearly. He cannot have deep meaningful conversations, although he is a deep meaningful man…he also often just assumes I understand him without talking. He cannot share his feelings, and therefore can’t really empathize when I share mine. It’s almost like he expects me to do what he does: just talk for a while and then be done and change subject…no conversing, just talking AT someone. He is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I am not so sure that is correct. He says he is moody, but I rarely see the mood changes…I do however see how isolated he feels, and it seems he has always felt very different from everyone, which makes him isolate himself even more…he even lives in a place that is completely away from everyone, and although he likes being with people at times, they are not deep friendships and usually revolve around star wars games and such, with friends who like the same things and know about the same things.

Maybe this sounds nothing like asperger's syndrome...but his inability to empathize verbally (i think he does empathize inside, just can't express it) and his inability to communicate is keeping us, and keeping him, from having a healthy lasting relationship. sigh...thanks so much for reading this...good luck to you as well. Confused
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 2:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Way to make people like you in a forum, first post lets post it into 100 different forums.
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heyley
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 2:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey, sorry...I didn't think it would bother anyone to post in several different forums...I just don't know which one to put it in, nor do I know who might respond. I put it in three others that I thought were different enough yet still relevant, so maybe out of it, I would get at least one response. I'm not trying to bother anyone, just trying my best to figure out what is going on...
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

PreScriptum: moderator, alex, anyone:
mea culpa: this should be moved to Getting to Know or General Auti Disc



heyley wrote:
hey, sorry...I didn't think it would bother anyone to post in several different forums...I just don't know which one to put it in, nor do I know who might respond. I put it in three others that I thought were different enough yet still relevant, so maybe out of it, I would get at least one response. I'm not trying to bother anyone, just trying my best to figure out what is going on...


WELCOME

i can see your point, threetimesa[post]lady, don't worry no sorry....

maybe you had best posted it in the Getting to know each other forum,
but you certainly succeeded in getting attention

excellent job anyway, i think the bf stands a decent chance
(both with someone like you in life & as an aspiring? aspie [i prefer assie])
[[maybe i should've said aspired aspie]]

below, i have just sketched what has been happening to me the last month or so,
which IS relevant, as i may turn out bipolar as your bf, vice versa, or....

you wrote:
He has a very hard time expressing emotions [...]quietly thinking of how to articulate himself when it comes to self-expressing…[...] really frustrated that he can't.. [...] no problem verbalizing information or opinions….and he can write his feelings much more clearly. [...] often just assumes I understand him without talking. He cannot share his feelings, and therefore can’t really empathize when I share
and:
... how isolated he feels [...] has always felt very different from everyone, which makes him isolate himself even more…he even lives in a place that is completely away from everyone, and although he likes being with people at times, they are not deep friendships

MY 2 CENTS:
YOU (not bf) find out about 'alexithymia' and see whether it makes you think of bf;
this is where my latest search started some fifteen months ago; i just let it mull in
the back of my mind and found it a [very] useful concept indeed - though
always the a-typical me: it didn't quite fit me as described, but.....


MY SEARCH, LAST MONTH:
at 51 i'm just a little bit older than him (but what a difference as a result)
i sound very much like him [more so at his present age],
have not come farther then first self-diagnosing possible AS when i first stumbled onto WP, saw, & knew - WPmember SleepyDragon best-termed it self-identified.

i took the RDOS-test soon after joining ('very likely an Aspie')
[just use the WP search-function]
[you'll find more self-testing when going through WP, which you WILL LOVE doing]

NOW appreciate that i have somehow manages to fall through the social security netting-system, and have had no health insurance for about two years -
so i NEED 'a' paper that says 'certified'
not as an excuse but an explanation: it would give me 'a story' in my attempt to
get back in - i do not need treatment (whatever that might be) all i need at this
very moment is A (psychiatric) diagnosis as my passport back into the system

i have just been seen by two psychiatrists [independently]

number 1 was surprised with my hypothesis AS (too extraverted), did acknowledge
possible co-morbidity, but prefers to tackle me from an ADHD and/or bipolar angle;
very worrying third possibility: HIGH IQ (he had me all but stumped there) -
but he does concur: i am a psychiatric case and not psychological fodder
(which is the minimum i need for practical-life purposes)
he put me on Ritalin to calm me down and see what's under that busy surface layer of mine (my words)

number 2 was sort of gifted me, after i had cancelled that in-take because nr1
simply could see me earlier. i told the hospital of the double booking - so they best give my slot to someone else. i did keep the door slightly ajar, and yes -
next day was told they hadn't upheld my cancellation, and would i still show

would i????? nr1 already PlanB - i could only win; imagine:
if i'm right there IS at all times inside of me a little four years wordless autitoddler,
and he was just bouncing&hopping with delight when getting a ticket for a free [[!!]]
early-birthday party: this was going to be my day, my party & and i cry or laugh or
whatever if i want to... o yes oyesssss ooooyyyessssss
had to be there at nine a.m. - only reason i did not treat all of them to birthday candy

my reading between his lines: serious doubt as to AS, wants to tackle from bipolar angle, took me straight off Ritalin (do you want me the send you the remainder of the packet?) and put me Zyprexa (olanzapine) as a preparation for....

butbutbut... i am not insured!!!!! Oh, that will be sorted out....
but i am only here for [even just preliminary] diagnosis, not treatment...
or prolonged stays in places i can't afford...

he, to assistant: make an appointment for next week, ...
me: butbut i didn't come for treatment...,
he, continued to assistant: ... o yes, & put him on top of waiting list for admission
me: but... has treatment just started???
he: it seems that way...
me:butbut ..... he: it will work itself out .... me: oh

so i am just about shortly to get admitted for a two-week stay
at a diagnostic hospitable holiday camp, with all sorts of little games called
tests and whathaveyounot, and for once in my life
this little boy is going to be the focus of all attention
& now finally imagine said 4-year old

good luck! ENJOY
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Sally80
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 1:40 pm    Post subject: Does my boyfirend have Asperger's? Reply with quote

Hi there,

I just read Heyley’s post and completely identified with everything mentioned. I am in a similar situation. I was seeing a guy for a few months but he recently ended it very suddenly and strangely. During the relationship I noticed some “odd” behaviours in him but never really thought any more about it until I was talking about the break up and his behaviour, and someone said off the cuff “sounds a bit like Asperger’s”. Just wondering if anyone can advise me on whether this is likely to be the case and may explain some of the problems I experienced in the relationship.

He is a genuinely nice person, very witty, is honest (He was extremely surprised when I once doubted his honesty).and trustworthy, with very good morals. However he has never shown or discussed any emotion with me. The main thing that I noticed was his lack of conversational skills when he is with me. He very rarely initiates conversations, hardly ever asks about me or my life, and this leads to awkward silences unless I work hard at keeping the conversation going. Even then it seems like it doesn’t flow well. The most surprising thing is that when I mentioned this awkwardness I felt, he claimed he hadn’t ever felt awkward! Contrastingly he is very confident in conversation with his work colleagues, and seems almost like a different person.

At home he has a very structured daily routine. He is very tidy, with everything in its place and organised. If something is out of line he will put it back in the correct position. He’s keen on cleanliness but not obsessive. He lines shoes, kitchen utensils and books up. He is fastidious about time keeping, being visibly distressed if he is even 10 mins late.

Other peculiar things I have noticed are the following:

He has mentioned to me that he has a very acute sense of smell, and also has the tv on very low sound so that I can barely hear it. He also gets very hot easily.

He has also told me quite often, that he has a bad short-term memory but I have noticed he can recall lists of numbers surprisingly easily.

The first time we were intimate together he was very confident and initiated quite overt sexual behaviour, which was actually very inappropriate considering it was the first time.

He told me he has few friends and those he does have he doesn’t discuss emotional things with.

He has almost set phrases for certain situations, both in conversation and in text messages. Sometimes he copies phrases that I have said previously.

He only ever suggests a few activities for our “dates” and is reluctant to do anything else.

He is sometimes slow to catch on to basic things I have said and takes a while to get jokes.

He seems to have several different personalities, depending on morning, evening or in the bedroom.

He is very intelligent and seemingly switched on, and can talk about many topics in depth when asked to.

He doesn’t enjoy reading books.

He sometimes doesn’t respond in ways I expect him to to cues that I give.

He has very limitted use of objects and clothes.


I am upset and very confused about the break up and wonder if it may be due to Asperger's. Would he know if he has it? If not should I mention it? He seemed very upset when he broke up with me and found it hard to give me a reason and said he couldn't explain it in his head. He admitted he “is not good at relationships or making them work”. If it is possible hemight have AS i feel I would like to help him if I can.

Sorry the post is so long, I would appreciate any advice or insights greatly, as this is really confusing me.

Thanks
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Patchesheart
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 01, 2011 5:31 pm    Post subject: Same boat Reply with quote

Reading all these post makes me feel like you guys are saying exactly what's on my mind.

I can not give as detailed accounts as you guys b/c the relationship I have with my guy is soo on and off I haven't had enough time to spend with him constantly to verify this information.When we are together it's AWESOME, and then it gets awkward and then suddenly stops....this seems to be the constant pattern. We spend 3 days together last week...it was nice. Usually after a day I can feel him starting to freak out and needs to push me away to go back to being isolated.

He'll say the stupidest things and I'll get pissed and leave. He never chases, he just doesn't get what he said.
He thinks what he said made since and logical even though firmly insulting.
We were doing soo well and then last night just tore me up.
We had a beautiful and romantic evening together and then suddenly he wanted to drive back to his house which is an hour away in the middle of the night b/c he wanted to go home. He lives very isolated and stays a hermit. I didn't understand why he wanted to leave he just said" i can leave if I want and I want to leave" from sleeping nxt to one another to him waking up and wanting to leave 2am.
I didn't understand it. I thought i did something wrong. I actually cried as lame is. He didn't understand why I was sad or why I wanted him to come back. He accused me of being manipulative when I was trying to explain why I had been hurt and I didn't understand why he left. He just kept saying" i can leave if I want and I felt like leaving" but who does that? It was just odd.
He doesn't understand my facial expression when we are being intimate when I look at him straight in the face in a very deep manner...the look of "i'm in love with u and u took my breath away"....he made fun of it even...and once he thought something was wrong,"are u okay?" He told me once when I was laying in bed he doesn't understand my facial expressions and tell him what I want.
He isn't up for reading a book I may have read or watching a movie that inspired me. He sounds like a real dick huh?
BUt on the contrary.
He paints object that he knows I like on his drum or on his wall when I am not around. Very detailed things that shows that he cares. I have no doubt he cares. SO here is the problem.
what do I say?
Right now we aren't talking as far as last night goes, I guess I like a man that's a bit of a challenge Razz
I just tried to friend his brother on FB and in hoped I can start a chat like that.
HOw does one start a conversation of," I think u have Aspergers"
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heyley
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 01, 2011 7:24 pm    Post subject: Patchesheart Reply with quote

I must say that in all honesty, nothing you said makes him sound like he has Aspergers (I'm not a professional though, and you didn't give a lot of information). (Though, some of the things you described are the very opposite of traits of aspergers...)

Everything you said, however, makes him sound verbally abusive, and like he has the potential to really hurt your self-esteem.

Even if he can be sweet, and even if he does really care about you.

You might want to check out this website...even if it doesn't relate to you, it's good to watch for these signs with any one you are dating:

http://relationships911.org/cgi-bin/links/jump.cgi?ID=5109

Of course I don't know, but either way. Everybody deserves to be treated with respect and kindness--even during fights.

Good luck either way.
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bobbysands
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 02, 2011 9:10 am    Post subject: Re: Does My Boyfriend Have Asperger's?? Reply with quote

heyley wrote:
I know this may be weird, but I’ve been studying autism and happened upon some asperger's syndrome information just recently. The thing is, I almost think my boyfriend (who is 30 years old just in case that might matter...) may have some very mild form of it. I have read all the diagnostic criteria, and am not sure he fits in perfectly, but that is hard to diagnose since I’m not an expert nor am I a professional. I was hoping someone might read this and tell me what they think, or point me in a better direction. Again, I am not sure if this is just some personality problem, or something bigger…but I swear he has some social problems…whether it is aspergers or not.

It all started with his being unable to communicate, and it causing huge problems in our relationship, and then I started seeing other things that were related...and then I happened upon the asperger's information....here we go: He told me he liked to be alone as a child, and hates looking back to his school years because he never fit in and didn't have friends really...said he always felt different. He doesn’t participate in much two way conversing: I ask him questions he answers and has lots to say because he knows a lot of information, (He is fantastically brilliant and has the most amazing detailed memory, and remembers the most insignificant details, and knows WAY too many words.) but once he is done talking, it’s like it’s over…he doesn’t engage me. He rarely asks questions to others, and is seemingly in his own world a lot, sometimes he can just go on and on about a topic too…and although it is not a particularly strange topic, I think he forgets he’s having a two way conversation.

He plays lots of video games and is borderline obsessed with star wars and things like such (he knows everything about star wars…EVERYTHING). He has a very hard time expressing emotions and will spend much time quietly thinking of how to articulate himself when it comes to self-expressing…and usually gets really frustrated that he can't..he however has no problem verbalizing information or opinions….and he can write his feelings much more clearly. He cannot have deep meaningful conversations, although he is a deep meaningful man…he also often just assumes I understand him without talking. He cannot share his feelings, and therefore can’t really empathize when I share mine. It’s almost like he expects me to do what he does: just talk for a while and then be done and change subject…no conversing, just talking AT someone. He is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I am not so sure that is correct. He says he is moody, but I rarely see the mood changes…I do however see how isolated he feels, and it seems he has always felt very different from everyone, which makes him isolate himself even more…he even lives in a place that is completely away from everyone, and although he likes being with people at times, they are not deep friendships and usually revolve around star wars games and such, with friends who like the same things and know about the same things.

Maybe this sounds nothing like asperger's syndrome...but his inability to empathize verbally (i think he does empathize inside, just can't express it) and his inability to communicate is keeping us, and keeping him, from having a healthy lasting relationship. sigh...thanks so much for reading this...good luck to you as well. Confused


I don't wish to sound mean, but please don't blame your ex-boyfriend for having Aspergers. It's not this fault he has it.

On a recent and delayed lunch-meeting with a lady-friend, I struggled to communicate with her (about over an hour later onwards at times). What didn't help matters was the fact I been stuck at home without any social contact from the social-outside world for a week (apart from my family who do not realize and accept my status), because of the snow.

Let me suggest you watch the film "Adam". The character (Adam), has aspergers and he too was obsessed with stars. But please, don't tar all Aspie's with the same brush. Bring them down to boost your popularity/make yourself feel good, won't achieve anything.

What you could have done, was played video games together. You could have asked and showed him how to play his favourite games. At the same time, I'm sorry to hear your relationship is at an end.

For me, as a late-developer with young-women, I have to accpet that any female relationship (beyond friendship), may not be conducive to my well-being, only if she is unconditionally fully and totally accepts my condition without questions and issues.
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MCalavera
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 8:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi, heyley. I have no reason to say that your boyfriend does not have autism as your post points to the possibility that he does. But then agin, I'm no doctor. So anyway ...

I got some questions for you that I hope you can answer for me. They require straightforward and frank answers, so if you don't feel comfortable answering, feel free to ignore.

What got you attracted to your current boyfriend despite his social quirkiness?

Are you sexually attracted to him? Or is it more of a spiritual/emotional attraction?

Do you two have sex regularly? If no, have you ever had sex with each other?

Last but not least: What kind of girl are you? I mean in terms of personality and such.
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Texmexium
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 04, 2011 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why don't you ask him yourself?
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Shellyrae
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 4:52 pm    Post subject: Comment to: Does my boyfriend have Ashbergers? Reply with quote

Hi Hayley,

I met my boyfriend over 5 years ago, and after a year or two of dating I moved in with him. I at first started on this journey to Ashbergers because I thought his son had it, and I still think he does, but I also think his dad has it as well. There is nothing else I've been able to come up with that answers all the unanswered questions I have. But my story pretty much sounds a lot like yours. My boyfriend who's now 48, is very intelligent, knows way too much about non-important things, does odd things and says odd things at times and has extremely poor communication skills. I have since moved out because I felt so alone and uncared for. We still see each other if that is what you want to call it. We don't talk much or see each other much. He talks a lot about his work and whatever is of interest to him at the time, but if I begin to express myself most often than not there's either no reply or a half hearted effort at attempting to converse with me. He's very loyal and very willing to do anything I ask, but to acknowledge that he has Ashbergers is probably never going to happen. He denied any thought that his son might have it and I believe he has a brother that has it, but he's gone too in his world of denial. I guess why I'm telling you my story is because unless you can get your boyfriend to get help which sounds like you have, not much will improve in your relationship. I'm beginning to come to the realization that our time together is coming to an end. Our relationship, in the 5 plus years has never grown and he doesn't seem to be upset with that. And a relationship that does not grow, dies. I wish you the best of luck. Based on my own experiences I know the journey is long and road a bit bumpy, but if you love this man do all you can to become familiar with Ashbergers. All the best, Shelly
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Berrygirl
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 1:29 pm    Post subject: thinking about exploring a relationship with a friend. Reply with quote

Hi everyone,
I am also looking for information on Asperger's and how it might work out for me in a relationship with someone who may possibly have Asperger's. This person is a man I have been very good friends with for some time and I feel very deeply for him. He's extremely kind, honest and helpful and also good-looking! A close friend has told me she thinks he may have some traits of Asperger's, which I don't have a problem with at all, but she has warned me that this may make it very difficult to be in a relationship with him as she thinks that because I'm quite an emotional and creative person he wouldn't satisfy my needs in that respect. She's also worried I'll get bored of him! Anyway, I can decide this for myself but I was curious to know whether you think he may fall into the spectrum? I understand that Asperger's is an 'umbrella' term that covers a lot of different people with different conditions; however, if any of you feel you share some personality traits I'd be grateful for your opinion on how your own romantic reationships have worked out for you.
So these are some of the most striking aspects of his very wonderful, if unusual, character:

1. Everything has to be clean. He brought his car to my house today to leave it while he goes away for two weeks and he had to clean it beforehand. He can't leave a shirt unironed or a dish unwashed.
2. He is extremely careful about his appearance. He has great taste in clothes (very eccentric vintage style) but everything has to be perfect.
3. He is very kind but sometimes he will say very hurtful things without meaning to. Just one example: he supported me by coming to the funeral of a friend of mine but afterwards he said something very distasteful about how creamtoriums work which upset me. He sort of realised then when I told him that he had done the 'wrong' thing and apologised so I didnt' take it personally.
4. He has a great sense of humour (loves Monty Python) but sometimes he just doesn't get that I'm joking and takes me literally.
5. He has trouble taking hints or giving them. At least, I think he does.
6. Sometimes he'll be extremely nice but when I meet him another day he'll be very unfriendly and uncommunicative and apparently uneasy in my presence.
7. Sometimes I wonder if he 'gets' what's appropriate and what's not - last Monday he gaveme a hug when we met - at the swimming-pool when all he was wearing were some speedos! Not that I complained : )
8. He is obsessed with exercise! He has to exercise every day and is always running marathons.
9. He is extremely intelligent when it comes to languages and science. He has a brilliant memory for details.
10. Perhaps this is what makes life most difficult for him: he loves socialising and has many friends (mostly male) but he will start talking and not stop... I don't mind because I'm used to it but it puts some people off him. Although most people recognise that he's a lovely and gifted person and it doesn't matter, he probably has more friends than I do. For example, if you ask him his opinion on anything e.g. the Republican candidate for hte presidency or how to make pancakes he'll launch off into a very lengthy and detailed discussion of the matter without letting anyone else get a word in edgeways. He doesn't seem to be able to recognise when people are bored. While he is very gifted, I think some of his students would get very bored when he was lecturing which seems a bit unfair considering how good he is at his subject.
11. He hates breaking the law.
12. He hates it when his routine is disturbed or when things are out of place.
13. He'll notice details of the smallest things...one day I had a hole in my stocking and he couldn't help staring at it. His own socks always match!

Anyway, I had a boyfriend a few years ago who was also very intelligent but not so great socially who I loved very much (he died in an accident). The next boyfriend was the complete opposite, extremely sociable and easy to have a conversation with, however he turned out to not be very honest or reliable. So I'd be very grateful for the insights the community here would provide on whether my friend qualifies as having traits of Asperger's and how a romantic relationship would work out for us. Would I drive him crazy? I'm slightly messy and quite emotional....of course, I don't know for sure yet how he feels about me, all I know is a special closeness has developed between us.
Berry
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techstepscientist
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 9:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi heyley,

There is not enough information to indicate that he may have aspergers syndrome. The examples you have provided such as 'being unable to communicate' and 'sometimes he can just go on and on about a topic too' could be explained by bipolar disorder. In the depression stage being unable to communicate and in the mania or high stage go on and on about a topic. On the other hand this could be explained by being on the Autistic Spectrum for instance if he was unable to communcate while asking him certain questions, and then a few moments later (rather than hours or days later) you asked him about star wars and he goes on and on, this may be better explained by aspergers.

This diagnosis is based on three different criteria. That is, difficulty with social communication, difficulty with social interaction and difficulty with social imagination. More information is available here:

http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-autism.aspx

Maybe you could provide detailed examples within this framework as this would provide some of the information required. Otherwise he could fit any number of criteria from the DSM IV
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