Guys: Confidence and why it matters

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Dictionary.com defines confidence as:
“belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities.”

For evolutionary reasons that I won’t go into here, most women are hardwired to at least initially be much more attracted to a confident man than a non-confident one. As a matter of fact, recent polling on this very site seems to indicate that women feel at least some confidence to be just as important as men deem physical appearance when it comes to the opposite sex. This is just the way that people are; it is an immutable fact that will not change.

For most men, confidence is not a trait one is born with, but is learned. Typically, NT men learn confidence through various group activities growing-up such as team sports. Due to the symptoms of Asperger’s Syndrome, Aspie males are at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to social interaction and physical coordination. In spite of this, as with NT males, confidence may be learned.

My best male friend in college had no problems attracting the opposite sex. He wasn’t particularly good-looking, athletic, accomplished, or even charming. He had a decent sense of humor, but that was it. Still women flocked to him. When I used to ask him how he managed this, he used to say “I just let them come to me, that’s it.”

For years, this seemed to me to be a magic equation that I could not grasp. No matter how hard I tried, and I tried hard, I just couldn’t get a date while my friend didn’t have time for all the women who wanted his attention. Then, one day in my mid-twenties, it clicked. My friend did well with women because he didn’t care whether women liked him or not. It’s not that he was arrogant or a jerk. To the contrary, he was always kind and polite to all he met. It was that having a girlfriend, not having a girlfriend, being turned down for a date—whatever, DID NOT AFFECT HIS IMAGE OF WHO HE WAS OR HIS SENSE OF SELF-WORTH A SINGLE BIT. Women found this sense of identity and inner-security attractive.

So, how does this observation help my fellow Aspie guys? Initially, I came to this website to learn about my fellow Aspies, and perhaps for a little support. Upon first browsing this site, I was struck by how many of my fellow Aspie men were exactly the same way I used to be, inexperienced with the opposite sex and seemingly obsessed by this fact. My friends, the first thing you must do to learn the confidence you will need to meet members of the opposite sex and successfully date them is this: you must completely divorce your sense of self-worth from your lack of experience. Your value as a person is not defined by how many girlfriends or how much sex you may or may not have had. Trust me, most females don’t really care about your dating experience or lack there of. What they do care about is that you are comfortable in your own skin and are easy to be with. Of course, this is easier said than done. When it comes to social interaction, especially with women, it is critically important to interact; playing the game is much more important than “winning.”
I’ve often said on this forum that NT guys are shot down nine times out of ten, they just don’t talk about it. The main reason they don’t talk about it is because it doesn’t matter to them in the slightest. Being told “no” by a woman does not in any way damage their sense of self-worth; they just assume that the woman in question has her reasons and they move on. It doesn’t make them sad. It doesn’t cause them to feel sorry for themselves and they sure as hell don’t obsess about it.

Besides not caring about the outcome of an interaction there are many other things that a guy can do to over time boost his confidence. Having as many platonic female friends as possible helps. Learning to interact with women in no pressure situations is great preparation for dealing with women in romantic situations.

Further, learn not to concentrate on women and relationships with them as an end unto itself. Social interaction is a process and this is something that people with AS do not innately understand. Part of this process is becoming somebody that other people WANT to spend time with. Rightly or wrongly, people judge other people, at least initially, by their appearance. Learning how to dress well and appropriately can go along way toward building confidence. Attire sends a signal to others about what type of person you are. People treat me much differently when I wear a nicely cut suit than when I wear jeans and a T-shirt. Similarly, you will get treated different if you put time, thought, and money into how you dress.

I have also found that regular exercise has helped me immensely. The point isn’t to look like David Beckham, but simply to try and maximize what you have and to feel fit. The body and mind are connected, if you’re body feels good, you will feel much more relaxed and much more confident.

There are many others things that you can do to achieve the level of confidence that women tend to like, the above were just a few suggestions. Above all else, it is important to remember that most people of all types are not born confident, but learn this trait over time and you are no different.

Seems like a vicious cycle to me... success begets confidence and confidence begets success, yet success cannot be had without confidence, and confidence is very difficult to come by without something close to success.

This is entirely wrongheaded thinking. Confidence does not come from success. We learn from failure, not success. The "you must win" attitude is incorrect. Confidence comes from experience. To gain experience, what you have to do is leave your ego and preconceived notions behind and just play the game without assigning judgments.

What you write makes a lot of sense.

I think superficially I look like a guy that doesn't have too much confidence. My mannerisms and eye contact, the way I like to phrase statements, my humble nature, my thirst for knowledge and especially not being competitive... all this kind of looks like someone who isn't sure of themselves.

But that isn't really the whole picture, since those qualities aren't really 'confidence'. I'm comfortable with myself, I like who I am but humble enough to know that I need to improve. I have believe I would make a good boyfriend, I think there is a tendency for unconfident guys to make it seem like a girl is doing them a favor by going out with them. That's just completely wrong, if you are both good for each other... then you both will just naturally want to be with the other person.

There's just one thing I don't have much of, the knowledge and experience to know how to approach and interact with women. When your friend says that he just has women come to him, I'm am sure there is a intuitive 'thing' going on where he is somehow initiating women to come for him... something that is very non-verbal. Something that is for some reason almost hard-wired into some people.

I have to do something differently, I have to approach women and talk to them. It just wouldn't work any other way with me. As much as I try to be the 'strong silent type', isn't me and I'm okay with that. I just had to learn that much of the initiation and risk involved with talking and interacting with women is put on my shoulders. I don't know why I didn't learn this life-lesson... but it's not there...

Well what am I trying to say here...? Oh yeah, confidence is important... but it may not be the main issue to many of those with AS. To all the whining and downtrodden AS guys out there, probably.

I like what you say about having female friends, it's a great thing... and it's foolish to not enjoy the company of women. You can learn so much, just in talking with them, and how they react to what you say. You can tell when subtle changes in what you say will make them just a little more attracted to you. And ultimately just becoming friends with girls is a great first step to establishing a relationship... as difficult as it is... this is how you should approach all girls... no pressure just trying to meet new friends.

Pugly,
I agree with most of what you say. But confidence is very important to the equation and I'll tell you why. Confidence gives one the license to go forth and learn. If you are confident (i.e.: comfortable with yourself) you will go out and learn the non-verbal ways of others and more. Having AS doesn't mean we are incapable of non-verbal and other forms of communication, we just don't have the ability innately Still, it can still be learned. If this doesn't come naturally, it takes a modicum of confidence (or blind, drunken bravery) to undergo uncomfortable circumstances and learn it. You're right, it's not the only thing, but it is a necessary thing.

Yeah, I guess it could be phrased as the confidence to go out and make mistakes.

Actually, I thought of it as letting myself make mistakes and not care that I am making mistakes... just being able to laugh at yourself... it's a great thing I think.

I agree with this.

You didn't bring up anything about confidence in different areas of life... I have no problem with talking to anyone (regardless of gender) on a "friends" basis, and I do have many female friends (although most of the ones I still maintain contact with are in high school or above the age of 40, because 18-40 just doesn't exist in my church...)

The only problem is the romantic relationships, for many reasons I've b**ched about on here before... no women my own age around me, no women share my interests, no people (men and women alike) my age want to get into a meaningful relationship, etc...

That last one is a killer, because I don't want meaningless flings...

Couple things to say.
One I gotta say the whole blind bravery thing is how I started talking to girls I liked and I have built up a lot more confidence, mainly I don't apologize all the time learned that with the first girl, I've learned almost everything I know from messing up and that includes a lot of non-verbal cues to talk to girls when they want me to or just to leave them alone.

Two I'm sure the high school girls grow up, they also have sisters, friends, and just acquaintances they could introduce you to. Lots of clubs and jobs with young women our age go get a job at a restaurant. I have way more confidence with just life in general by trying to get to know girls, I care for myself physically more, I like to look good when I leave the house, I speak politely and don't curse as much, I enjoy talking to women just to talk to them (the fling thing should be fun if you don't like it don't do it) and even flirting with them meaninglessly.

One big thing I've found on here is that many aspies are just unrealistic by that I mean I have given up almost all my ideals in a woman in exchange for women that exist and I really like them ALOT and can get them too. Thing is I think if more aspies just throw themselves out there and maybe have a close family like I do you can use them as a life saver when you fail the first few times which you probably will, they'd find the world isn't good or bad it just is.

Reality is not what we want it to be it isn't perfect it isn't always honest or fair but it works I think what helps me the most is the fact that I'm willing to accept reality as it is not how I want it to be so I've really improved a lot very quickly considering just last year this time I was scared to even look a girl in the eye.


And one last big thing is when a girl does turn me down I got depressed for like a week the first few times but now I might just be upset a couple of days just from having gotten used to it. And I don't fear it as much (still do but not as much).

I learn from both.

I was once Very conifdent when I started playing this whole mating game-which was in High School. But multiple rejections pretty much eroded my confidence till I felt it was pretty much HOPELESS and I gave up. But THEN, I finally got it-NOT because I was confident as much as being Lucky(I met her through printed personals)and perhaps that I wasnt specifically looking for romance/relationship/sex, just looking for a friend with a certain interest(goth) and that she liked me and we hooked up really caught me by suprise. THAT seems to be a much better way to go about this-expanding your social circles but NOT looking for romance.

Also, what is the point in trying to meet women if you are just going to fail?

Allow me to explain: If I were to attempt meeting women, one of two things would happen: 99% chance I would just be rejected flat-out. The other 1% would mean that I was initially accepted, but such a move throws me so off-balance that I wouldn't know what to do in that situation, she would just say "forget it", and I would still end up failing...

So in either case, a 100% failure rate...

I've learned more from my failures than my successes right now I'm talking with a girl I like in my club I thought she liked me but now I'm not sure atleast not the way I like her so now I'm just trying to be careful and become her friend I'd and learn how to better deal with women for when I do find one that likes me.

You find what works and what doesn't and you try again. I'd just aim for nice conversations... don't even worry about getting a date.

You need more experience once you start talking with a girl and she likes you, that's all. It's not a guarantee that she'll reject you after initially liking you... you throw this on yourself.

I'm at about the same spot, I can sort of sense if a girl likes me... but I have no clue how to initiate anything beyond the conversation at hand. It's a work in progress... but I haven't met success yet... but I haven't given up. It seems doable... (um maybe the wrong wording here... ) eventually...

I can hold a conversation so long as she doesn't start liking me... therein lies the problem...

If she (whoever "she" is in this case) starts being attracted to me for whatever reason, I seize up and cant do anything about it. I usually plan out a wide range of possibilities for social interactions long before I actually start involving myself in the conversation. This is why I find it difficult to converse with strangers (I have no clue as to their personalities) or with people I wasn't expecting to see at a certain point in time, as I'm caught with my pants down (so to speak) and can't deal with anything related to the conversation at all...

Also, I didn't say 100% rejection rate, I said 100% failure rate... wherein X% are rejections, and (100-X)% are where I'm unexpectedly accepted and don't know what to do about it, so I end up failing anyway...

The female opinion is less than utterly irrelevant.

It took a lot of pain to figure that out.

- D