Ravenclawgurl
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 20, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 672
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 Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:10 pm Post subject: Can I get your opinion of some of my poetry? |
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first one
The Opposite of Small
What are emotions?
Emotions cannot be seen
Nor can they be described
For it is such a wide spectrum with two very far poles with so much inbetween
How can they call it bipolar?
No one ever truly is at the poles
we just jump around so rapidly from so very near one to the other
Making our life feel like it is full of so many holes
How can they expect you to answer when they ask how are you feeling?
How can they expect us to explain
How can they expect us describe these feelings
When they don't even have a name
There arent enough combination of letters
to spell out enough words
to name all these feelings
and even if there were who could remember them all
because the spectrum of emotions is the opposite of small
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My Obsession
By: Laura Z.
I have an obsession
It's very important to me
It's right up there with air
My Obsession
It's driving me crazy
And I think I'm nearly there
My Obsession
I feel like I can not live without it
Yet it makes my life so jumbled
What is that you called me?
What is that you mumbled?
"I called you Loony" they said"
But that just makes my obsession greater
"Why thank you" I say
"You know there's a character with that name"
"Oh no!" they cry "Not again"
My Obsession
Going back to the story
You wouldn't believe what it caused
When I finally meet someone
Who likes this "thing" as much as I do
After hearing the next part you will probably think I'm cuckoo
I like him so much I feel he's perfect for me
Wait a second . I'm only 14 and in 4 ½ years he will be 33
He's my English teacher
And he's nearly twice my age
Though I feel its true love my parents say it's just a phase
Then how come he's in my dreams at night
If either my parents or him knew what was in some of those dreams they
would be in fright
My Obsession
Its making my world spin around and around
Then suddenly it stops and I fall down to the ground
I have an obsession
It's very important to me
It's right up there with air
This obsession is driving me crazy
And I think I'm nearly there
My Obsession
Then again this thing I'm obsessed with
It's keeping me sane
This thing I'm obsessed with It has a name
Harry Potter
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 WARNING!! GRAPHIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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(No Title)
All this Pain
I can no longer keep it inside
All this f**** pain
No longer can I let it hide
I want my box cutter back
So I can make more lines on my arm
No I dont
I dont want want to do any more self harm
I just want to be free
free from this agony
My heart is full of holes
But its in better condition than my soul
My soul is torn
ripped
destroyed beyond repair
Life isnt worth it any more
The pain is still there
the more i keep it in side
the more its eats me away
more and more i just need to say
i need help
why wont you believe me
mommy stop yelling at me
i didnt do anything to you
why r u adding to my pain
I just need to get away
Last edited by Ravenclawgurl on Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:37 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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MrFrancisAndrew
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 06, 2008
Posts: 25
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 3:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Just typical dull angst poetry. |
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Ravenclawgurl
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 20, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 672
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:37 pm Post subject: |
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| MrFrancisAndrew wrote: | | Just typical dull angst poetry. |
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Xelebes
Gigantoraptor
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Joined: Apr 13, 2008
Age: 25
Posts: 1597
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 5:21 pm Post subject: |
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Try some colour and wit in your next stuff if you want to be angstsy.
Fields of flowers, crooning robins
Shallow meadow, opening in the woods
And just work with that, then get ironic with it. |
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just-me
Magic is upon us....
Joined: Mar 07, 2008
Posts: 2155
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:59 am Post subject: |
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I loved it !! It made me feel like I was floating on top of the ocean slowly bobbing and down , I know that is a very descriptive response. But it seemed to flow very well from the first word to the last word. I think if you can accomplish that in poetry then you have a lot of talent! As well as the rhyming structure you did a very good job conveying what you wanted to say . I find this the hardest to do. A lot of people will be critical of your work , if you think they have something productive to say to improve your work thats great! Otherwise just don't listen. My sister says when I sing it hurts her ears because I sing like crap and my voice is piercing but I don't let it get to me . So don't let people get to you either!  keep writing its good !!!
_________________
Just-you is my BOYFRIEND
I'm a witch. don't worry i mean well.
please don't hit on me, it stresses me out. |
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just-me
Magic is upon us....
Joined: Mar 07, 2008
Posts: 2155
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 1:01 am Post subject: |
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btw you like harry potter books?
_________________
Just-you is my BOYFRIEND
I'm a witch. don't worry i mean well.
please don't hit on me, it stresses me out. |
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just-me
Magic is upon us....
Joined: Mar 07, 2008
Posts: 2155
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 1:09 am Post subject: |
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what about lord of the rings ?
_________________
Just-you is my BOYFRIEND
I'm a witch. don't worry i mean well.
please don't hit on me, it stresses me out. |
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JohnHopkins
In no way offensive to anybody. Honest.
Joined: Nov 20, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 2735
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 3:40 pm Post subject: |
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| MrFrancisAndrew wrote: | | Just typical dull angst poetry. |
A crass and highly unfortunate way of putting it, but he has a point.
This is well written, but as far as subject matter and imagery, it's relatively standard fare, particularly the third one. I'm sorry, babe. You clearly have a flair for writing poetry in general though. Try shifting your focus to other subjects and seeing what comes of it. |
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