Depression sucks! Please respond!

FireBird · Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 1:29 am Post subject:

I have been feeling a little depressed lately. I had recently gone to Arts Walk in my area and I am still pissed about it. I have been looking forward to it for YEARS and it was a complete disaster. In the building I was at to show off my art work there were two artists there. One in the front and one in the back. I was in the back. It figures. Nothing goes right in my life. Tens of thousands of people went to this thing as it is one of the biggest events during the year in my area. There were a few hundred that went into the building that I was at. Literally 90% looked at the other artist and totally blew me off like a jerk. They hated me. They were in on the plot to make me depressed and CONFIRMS that everything is meant to go horribly wrong for me. What are those people? Blind and dumb? Or just a jerk that should burn in Hell for deliberately ignoring me. I am hopeless that nothing will EVER go good for me. There was this beautiful gallery that wants my art at least that is what they said at Arts Walk and he said he will call us when he needs my art work but still no call. My hopes went up like Google stock but its back down. In other news, some of my symptoms are returning because I had to go off a pill that was causing too many side effects. One of those side effects includes a tumor on my pituitary gland! Luckily it is non cancerous. If it was, I would be dead by this time. It also caused my prolactin levels to be 4-5 times the normal amount. My biggest fear right now is that I am afraid that my dad will retire before my business does anything. He makes good money now and if he retires, where is the money going to come from? He MIGHT get $1,000 a month and that is about minimum wage or below. That is down from $100,000 a year! I will NOT be poor! We are not rich but if you see my house, you would think otherwise. It is a huge house. If he retires, we will move into a dump in a dangerous area because that is all we would be able to afford. The ONLY thing that will stop this horrible thing from happening is if my business takes off but I have had this business for about 10 years and it has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! There is no hope for me. More stuff continues. My brother will move out this year and he is ahead of me in every way. He is going to a University and he is studying game programming which they make big bucks. I am talking about over $100,000 within 5 years. He will probably get a job at Microsoft and their benefits are amazing! I am worthless and hopeless because I am just a unemployed idiot that will never do anything in life. I have everything stacked against me. 90% of autistic schizophrenics don't have a job or are homeless. Yep, you read that right. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, actually schizoaffective disorder. The thing is, I don't agree with that diagnosis at all because I don't hear voices. At least audible ones. I am also worried about my parent's health. My dad might need surgery on his shoulder. He works. He is missing so much work now because of doctor appointments and I'm scared that he will lose his job. Then to make things worse, my mom has a bad back and that might have to be operated on. Last time she had surgery she nearly died. I'm also scared that I will need brain surgery on my tumor. Then oh yeah, its that time of year again! Birthdays bring bad luck. It doesn't matter whose birthday it is, whether it is my own, my dads, or whoever, it doesn't matter. My symptoms seem to flare up around that time and it doesn't matter what is going on around that time. Last time was my birthday which was on February 19th. It was so bad that I had to go to the hospital. I was suicidal. I hated the stay there. The doctors were jerks and hated me. I hate them for lying to my face. I asked him, "do you think I am faking my illness?" he said NO. Then I got the report from the hospital and it basically accused me of getting the symptoms off the internet and the Internet CAUSED my schizophrenia, autism, anxiety, and depression. Let me prove a point here. I need to shoot that jerk down. I had these things BEFORE I started reading about them. When I was 13 my symptoms were 100 worse than they are now. It was horrible back then and at least back then the doctors believed me. Right now I am getting thought insertion from the government and aliens and it is annoying. I have the thoughts that say, "i'm going to kill you soon!" or "the invasion will come!" Really scary things like that. Then I have been spacing out and sometimes going catatonic in the middle of nowhere and sometimes "losing" my ability to speak properly. Total gibberish would come out of my mouth or sometimes I get really disorganized. That just happens occasionally. So, what do I do now?