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ccflowergirl
Sea Gull
Joined: Mar 18, 2008
Age: 48
Posts: 246
Location: tulsa,ok
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 Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 11:23 am Post subject: Aspise girls and the mean boy friend syndrome. |
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| Do any of you woman feel that being aspie makes you more susceptible to physical abuse, and less likely to get out and change the situation? |
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Jude
Emu Egg
Joined: Feb 29, 2008
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 2:38 pm Post subject: |
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Yes. I have never been hit by a man, but I have been forced into situations I didn't want to be in because I am naive.
I don't have much experience dating, and the few men I have "dated" treated me like a thing to have sex with after the evening was over. I did so, but not because I had any love for these "boyfriends" but out of obligation. I didn't know it was up to me weather I wanted to have sex or not.
I've also been forced into uncomfortable situations i didn't want to be in. I had a "boyfriend" who use to say to me in the car, before we went into a friends house or party, "don't embarrass me." or "don't f*ck it up this time."
I know that this is abuse. I know that I don't have to take it, but when it's happening I don't realize it until after the fact. |
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Belfast
Vast Ambivalence
Joined: Jul 18, 2005
Age: 35
Posts: 1550
Location: New England
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 3:22 pm Post subject: Re: Aspise girls and the mean boy friend syndrome. |
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Keep in mind my comment is that of only one person-other people will have answers that are true for them. I don't "speak for" groups (am only one example, not representative sample).
| ccflowergirl wrote: | | Do any of you woman feel that being aspie makes you more susceptible to physical abuse, |
No.
I've not been physically abused/wounded by either friends nor lovers. It's easier (to my mind/body) to be sure "this person is not for me" if I were injured or in physical pain. "Treating someone badly", emotionally-that can be tougher to pinpoint/be certain of-it can be less obvious & more subtle-requiring greater level of discernment/judgment call, compared with blatant bodily harm. Each person has unique tolerances, thresholds, and frameworks of interpretation-this is just how my brain system operates/functions/perceives.
| ccflowergirl wrote: | | and less likely to get out and change the situation? |
Yes.
I'm a set-in-my-ways person, don't like being single, so I'll cling to someone that I don't much like, if that's "least bad" person available for the time-rather than have no one at all in my life.
Once a better (for & to me) person is around/in my orbit, then I've switched to relationship with that person instead (and stayed together mostly happily for longer time).
Hope my paradoxical response makes sense-took question seriously, could write more if insufficiently clear. Of course, I don't know which "parts" of my "personality" (behavior, thoughts, feelings, etc.) are "due to" my ASD as opposed to being merely "the rest of" me ?
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*"You cannot administer a wicked law impartially-it destroys everyone it touches, its violators as well as its upholders."* |
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LeKiwi
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 27, 2007
Posts: 1956
Location: The murky waters of my mind...
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 3:43 pm Post subject: |
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I've never been in an abusive relationship myself. I have had a male friend try to have sex with me and not really listen to my telling him no, so I ended up telling him in a few days when I was finished my monthly (a lie) and he accepted that, then I just refused to see him again.
My partner now is the sweetest, kindest, most loving and incredibly understanding person I've ever met. He even puts up with my mini-meltdowns and stresses and stuff and knows about the Aspergers and it doesn't bother him... he really is incredible, I'm very lucky.
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"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect." - Mark Twain
New Blog: http://autismtranslator.blogspot.com/ |
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alexbeetle
Knight of the blackest black beetle
Joined: Mar 17, 2007
Posts: 1383
Location: beetle hole
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 3:56 pm Post subject: |
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Yes
I get taken advantage of and physically/emotionally abused a lot both by family, partners and work colleagues. I automatically think everyone is my friend and am an easy target and never learn.
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Postperson
blancmange
Joined: Jul 10, 2004
Age: 51
Posts: 2104
Location: Uz
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 4:51 pm Post subject: |
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Never had a violent/abusive boyfriend. I don't seem to attract 'bad' boys. Most of my boyfriends have been fairly harmless people, it's a quality I like.
Had plenty of psychological abuse from family and 'friends'. |
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delia43
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 27, 2008
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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I do think we can be blind to smooth talkers and people who lie, and, since we are loyal and hate change, might also be more likely to want to stick around, especially if we've exerted the major effort it takes for us to become intimate with someone.
To the OP, I hope that you are currently safe? |
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MissConstrue
Aquarius
Joined: Feb 05, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 10333
Location: Anywhere but HERE!
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 10:02 am Post subject: |
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Yes because it happened to me in a short period of time in the past. However I didn't take the verbal or physical abuse for long. As soon as it came to physical, I was outta there.....and now I'm single and enjoying it. 
But that doesn't mean I don't want a relationship. I think I have some trust issues with guys when it comes to getting too close, and yet I don't believe all guys are like that. I had some good guy role models in my family like my uncles all except for my dad and brother. My dad's changed now though since his sobriety. I think I just don't want to get hurt again. It takes me a while to trust guys when it comes to  . So besides AS, I think that's what's keeping me from getting into a serious relationship. 
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ford_prefects_kid
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 18, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 384
Location: CA: Los Angeles and Berkeley
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:20 pm Post subject: |
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| delia43 wrote: | | Since we are loyal and hate change, [we] might also be more likely to want to stick around, especially if we've exerted the major effort it takes for us to become intimate with someone. |
I relate to that part a lot, just like missconstrue said.
I also hope you're not in a bad situation, ccflowergirl?
I've been lucky enough to never have been with a guy I would really describe as a jerk or naturally abusive, but I did run into one at the beginning of the year- I was smart enough not to actually give in to his repeated requests to be his girlfriend or have sex with him, but I was rather astounded by how difficult it was for me to not let him manipulate me. I'd always thought I was stronger than that.... go fig. |
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CockneyRebel
Sid The Love Rat :O)
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 33
Posts: 20674
Location: Out in the evening, with me two best Rat Mates. :O)
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| Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 11:23 am Post subject: |
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I try to avoid intimate relationships, at all cost.
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ClosetAspy
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 17, 2008
Age: 51
Posts: 346
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| Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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[quote="Jude"]I don't have much experience dating, and the few men I have "dated" treated me like a thing to have sex with after the evening was over. ]
I can totally relate to that. I am so jealous of women who can go out and have a good time on a date without worrying that sex (pressured, coerced sex) is going to be an issue. I wish I could have that type of experience, unfortunately it is not possible. I don't know if it is the Aspergers they are picking up on or the fact that until I had a breast reduction I was what they euphemistically call "full-figured", but all I know now is if a guy shows interest in me, it is not a good thing.
There was one guy, who was in a church group with me, who took an interest in me when I was about 18 (he was a few years older). We never really dated, but he would come to my house, pick me up and sit next to me at the meetings. I felt safe with him and it wasn't long before I started falling for him. One day he took me to a party, but ignored me the whole evening. When I confronted him with his behavior, he said that basically all I was to him was some sort of "Big Brother/Little Sister" project, and that he could fulfill my needs but I could never fulfill his; and furthermore there was someone else in the church group he was involved with. That hurt, because he knew how I was starting to feel about him (his friends said so to me) and he had never paid any attention to this other person while I was around. He did end up marrying this other person and I hope they are very happy. And in retrospect, he was probably right. HOWEVER, I still do not totally forgive him, because #1, he, being older and more experienced in the ways of the world, should have known better than to lead me on into thinking there was potentially more to this "friendship" than there actually was, and to treat me like one of his little social projects totally disregarded my dignity as a person. Because of that I refused to speak to him or acknowledge him in any way at the church meetings, and it caused quite a rift in the congregation, in the sense that everyone felt that I was being unreasonable. But I stuck to my guns and insisted on a public apology, and eventually I did get it. I think people on this forum can understand what I mean when I said that my dignity as a person was at stake and that I was not going to let him think he could get away with it and call himself a Christian brother in good standing. I don't know where he and his wife are now and I don't care. But I could tell him now that there is ONE need of his that I know ALL about fulfilling, oh, yes.
If it sounds like I am very bitter and angry, I am. I was brought up a Catholic Christian, to believe that sex was something holy you save for marriage. I freely admit I was naive. I was lied to. I was not prepared to experience sexual molestation as a part of dating. I already had a lifetime of emotional abuse simply because of Asperger's though nobody called it that. I had hoped, wrongly, that those days were past. I ended up leaving the Church over this issue (my former friends do not and cannot understand why, this is something they don't want to talk about, it makes them extremely uncomfortable). I would like to have at least ONE good memory of dating before I die, but apparently it is not God's will. So I am celibate; and as long as I am celibate, I do not intend to go back to the Church. Especially since the pedophile scandal. It only confirmed my worst suspicions about having been lied to.
"I learned the truth at seventeen, that love was meant for beauty queens, and high school girls with clear-skinned smiles, who married young and then retired."--Janis Ian. |
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zoya4eva
Butterfly
Joined: Apr 11, 2007
Age: 42
Posts: 13
Location: australia
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| Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 2:57 am Post subject: |
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Hi all. I am 42 now and have been with my partner for 20 years.
He is AS too. When met him I felt like he was like me.
I was 22 and he 36.Neither of us knew we had AS then and only found out a couple of years ago.(' ')
Knowing about it has been good and bad; but knowledge is always better than living an unconscious life.
I had been used, abused spit out and upon before I met my husband and I have been with alot of NT guys, but they weren't like me and in the end I would probably only give them grief.
AS people still want to make friends and have boyfriends or girlfriends but it just seems that some NT people see us as an easy mark.
If there is any advice I can give is don't get drawn into your parents wishes for you, unless you have a good open relationship with them and they with eachother. Be your own person at any cost and learn about personal boundaries, because AS people are very fluid and their sense of self is sometimes very weak. |
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amaren
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 24, 2008
Posts: 214
Location: wallowing in bed
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| Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 8:23 am Post subject: |
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I think being aspie made me not notice that the physical abuse was abuse - I enjoy playfighting, and my ex and I had playfought, so I took a lot of instances of violence as just for fun. I laughed off sprains and concussions, thinking it was all in the spirit of fun. Looking back, I think it was abuse - he did seem to start when he was angry, and he didn't stop right away when I got hurt.. I did hurt him a few times by accident, but I apologised, and he never did.. actually it sounds naive to the point of moronic now, but I was so trusting and loyal back then (first relationship) that I couldn't imagine he'd hurt me on purpose. I stayed through near 3 years emotional and physical abuse, and through being totally ignored, then got dumped a couple of months before the wedding for someone he'd just met. I'm very glad to be rid of him, but not sure how I could have been so dumb.
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The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
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Anemone
Velociraptor
Joined: Mar 18, 2008
Age: 43
Posts: 440
Location: Vancouver, Canada
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| Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 11:58 am Post subject: |
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| If anything for me it is the opposite: I'm so used to being "independent" i.e. alone, that it is easy for me to walk away from physical abuse. I have never actually been physically abused. Sexually abused, psychologically abused, economically abused, but not physically abused. I know I won't die if I'm alone, so I guess they get the message up front that they can't get away with hitting me, so they don't. Strange. |
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Roddanagh
Raven
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Age: 20
Posts: 109
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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| amaren wrote: | | I think being aspie made me not notice that the physical abuse was abuse - I enjoy playfighting, and my ex and I had playfought, so I took a lot of instances of violence as just for fun. |
Hahaha, I can relate to this SO much. In fact, for a while there I actually quite appreciated that a certain guy felt free to smack me, because it felt like a free pass for me to express myself in that manner as well. I'm one of those aspies that doesn't feel pain well at all, you see, and perhaps for that very reason took a very long time to understand that physical aggression is unacceptable in most situations.
God, it took way too long for me to realize he wasn't having as much fun as me. XD |
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