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EvilKimEvil
zoo-music girl
Joined: Sep 27, 2007
Posts: 3040
Location: highway to hell
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 Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:22 am Post subject: MEN: What is normal behavior early on in a relationship? |
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You see, I don't have much experience with the way in which relationships normally start. Most of mine have started extremely quickly.
For instance, in the last 2, we moved in together as friends. Within a couple of days we were "friends with benefits". A few days after that, we were an inseparable couple, declaring our love for each other and what-not.
Another long-term relationship started out as a boss-employee relationship.  That one lasted four years or so, and the relationships before that were with guys in college - we lived in the same dorm, went to the same dining hall, etc.
I know this is not normal. I know normal people go on dates. I don't go on dates. I like to hang out like friends and see how things naturally progress from there.
The weird thing is that I don't really know what's normal for a relationship with someone you don't live with or work with or even get to see every day.
How much time is supposed to pass before the guy asks the girl to "go steady" or be his girlfriend? How long does a couple usually know each other before they say "I love you," for the first time?
Also, what do the following actions, on the part of the guy signify:
-Making a point of introducing the girl to all of his friends.
-Talking to the girl about his family and how much they would like the girl (even though the family lives on the opposite side of the planet).
-Saying things like, "Don't bother buying furniture; I'll build you some."
-Presenting her with tomato plants to keep at her place and saying, "I love tomatoes, and it will be fun to watch these grow this summer!"
-Saying, "You're beautiful!!" about every other sentence.
-Insisting on making coffee in the morning (at her house) and serving it to her in bed.
-Frequently saying, "I've never been so happy", "I never thought I could be so happy," etc.
Now imagine that this guy has known this girl for 2 weeks and has not yet asked her to be his girlfriend or mentioned the word "love" or anything like that, but he's also somewhat shy and insecure, and he has kind of alluded to these things in a very shy, tentative kind of way.
So does this sound like a guy who's sincere? I mean, does this sound normal for a relationship between people who have only known each other for 2 weeks and only get to spend about 3 days a week together?
I'm confused because my life has not been normal.  |
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jawbrodt
Only Truth
Joined: Jan 27, 2008
Age: 34
Posts: 6030
Location: Northcentral, Pennsylvania
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:32 am Post subject: |
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He is clearly trying to convince you that he loves you. He is afraid of rejection, and that's why he won't ask you outright. He is seeking you're clear approval first. I know this because I am afraid of rejection, and insecure, and that is exactly the way I would act, if in a similar situation. It's your move. He will probably never tell you he loves you, unless you tell him first, but he does clearly love you. If he don't ask, you can't reject him. It's a defense mechanism. 
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Those who speak, don't know.
Those who know, don't speak. |
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EvilKimEvil
zoo-music girl
Joined: Sep 27, 2007
Posts: 3040
Location: highway to hell
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:45 am Post subject: |
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| jawbrodt wrote: | | He is clearly trying to convince you that he loves you. He is afraid of rejection, and that's why he won't ask you outright. He is seeking you're clear approval first. I know this because I am afraid of rejection, and insecure, and that is exactly the way I would act, if in a similar situation. It's your move. He will probably never tell you he loves you, unless you tell him first, but he does clearly love you. If he don't ask, you can't reject him. It's a defense mechanism. |
Thank you, jawbrodt. That makes me feel a lot better.
I'm afraid of rejection too, and life experience ("street smarts" or whatever they call it these days) has taught me to assume all men are players until they explicitly prove otherwise. I wish I didn't have to think this way, but it seems to be essential to self-preservation.
I think that this guy and I are extremely similar - terrified of rejection, scarred by past experiences, and socially awkward on top of that.
I'm just afraid that if I bring it up with him, I'll scare him away by coming across like I'm trying to make him commit to something. Isn't that why the guy is supposed to ask the girl to go steady? Because if the girl has to do it, it's supposed to mean that the guy isn't all that interested in her and she's being to forceful or something?
Isn't there some complicated etiquette about how women aren't supposed to do anything that makes it seem like they're trying to get the guy to commit to something or go to the next level of commitment or something like that?
I'm hoping to avoid being rejected by repeating a common past mistake of mine - being more blunt, direct, and "forward" than is considered acceptable. |
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Pobodys_Nerfect
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 11, 2008
Posts: 384
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:47 am Post subject: |
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| Yea sounds sincere but I don't have much faith in my judgement so neither should you. However, it can't be love perhaps addiction. Sounds like you're a man eater |
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Cyberman
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 915
Location: Telos
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:52 am Post subject: |
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| EvilKimEvil wrote: | I'm just afraid that if I bring it up with him, I'll scare him away by coming across like I'm trying to make him commit to something. Isn't that why the guy is supposed to ask the girl to go steady? Because if the girl has to do it, it's supposed to mean that the guy isn't all that interested in her and she's being to forceful or something?
Isn't there some complicated etiquette about how women aren't supposed to do anything that makes it seem like they're trying to get the guy to commit to something or go to the next level of commitment or something like that? |
I think that only applies to "players." |
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EvilKimEvil
zoo-music girl
Joined: Sep 27, 2007
Posts: 3040
Location: highway to hell
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:56 am Post subject: |
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^ Aha!  |
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MR_BOGAN
Mysterios Dirty Dancer
Joined: Mar 06, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 1881
Location: The great trailer park in the sky!
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:01 am Post subject: |
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I totally don't trust women that instantly like you without getting to know you properly.
I don't know if he is sinsere or not, so if you are not sure about him just slow things down a bit until you are.
I don't think there are any set rules for dating, well as a guy you can really bollocks things up if you come on to strong to soon. 
Also it is good to listen to your instincts, you sound unsure so that might mean something or it may just be nothing at all.  |
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jawbrodt
Only Truth
Joined: Jan 27, 2008
Age: 34
Posts: 6030
Location: Northcentral, Pennsylvania
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:19 am Post subject: |
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Kim, he is wanting you to make the next move. If he is as insecure as I am, that is the only way it will progress any further. I will probably be alone for the rest of my life for the same exact reasons. You both have the same problem and are thinking the same thing.....Does he/she really like me in that way? He made it clear that he likes you alot, and if you don't respond, he won't feel totally rejected because, he will convince himself that you were just good friends. On the otherhand, if he asked you directly and you said no, that would be blunt rejection. That is what he is trying to avoid, because it is so painful to someone with real "fear of rejection" issues.
Yes, men are supposed to make those moves, but there are alot of us who simply can't, especially those with AS. That is probably the single biggest reason why there are so many single guys(and gals) here on WP. The fear of rejection is so great that, we would rather be alone, than risk direct rejection. At least that's true in my case.  
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Those who speak, don't know.
Those who know, don't speak. |
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EvilKimEvil
zoo-music girl
Joined: Sep 27, 2007
Posts: 3040
Location: highway to hell
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:51 am Post subject: |
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Yeah, this guy could very well have AS. He is a lot like me. I mean, if he were any more like me, I might not be attracted to him - some differences are a good thing!
But seriously, there are a lot of AS-ish things about him, and I know he's insecure because he's constantly insulting himself, even saying out-right, "I'm not good enough for you. I'm so incredibly stupid," all the while discussing some highly intellectual subject that few people I know could even understand. Strange, sad, and somehow charming at the same time.
So I've given this some thought, and I think that I'll bring things up slowly and gently, so he gets the message without being put on the spot. I realize now that it's more a matter of giving him time to reflect than adhering to rules about who says what when. I mean, there's a good chance he'll just say, "Of course I'm your boyfriend if you want me to be!" but he may also want to spend more time getting to know each other and adapting to such sudden changes.
Yeah, very aspie-ish . . . . I'm almost expecting him to tell me one day that he used to post on this site! |
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jawbrodt
Only Truth
Joined: Jan 27, 2008
Age: 34
Posts: 6030
Location: Northcentral, Pennsylvania
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:02 am Post subject: |
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He want's to hear "I can tell you are interested in me, you are smart, sexy, charming, etc... Would you like to be my boyfriend?". If you want to play it safe, you could add "Or....Do you think it is a little too early yet?" That is every insecure guys dream. Trust me, I know. 
_________________
Those who speak, don't know.
Those who know, don't speak. |
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EvilKimEvil
zoo-music girl
Joined: Sep 27, 2007
Posts: 3040
Location: highway to hell
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:20 am Post subject: |
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| jawbrodt wrote: | | He want's to hear "I can tell you are interested in me, you are smart, sexy, charming, etc... Would you like to be my boyfriend?". If you want to play it safe, you could add "Or....Do you think it is a little too early yet?" That is every insecure guys dream. Trust me, I know. |
Thank you so much!! I will try something like that! (BTW, I'm laughing because it's so right-on - I can really imagine it working. ).
Actually, it's funny, he's already told me he's "off the market" and only interested in me - it might just be a matter of asking permission to use the word, which is a pretty funny thing to worry about. |
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Jainaday
in uncertain taste
Joined: Jul 09, 2007
Age: 24
Posts: 1344
Location: in the They
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:31 am Post subject: |
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| You might ask him when he's going to get around to asking you to go out with him. Makes it clear what you'd say, and gives him the opportunity to do the asking, in case he wanted to. |
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jawbrodt
Only Truth
Joined: Jan 27, 2008
Age: 34
Posts: 6030
Location: Northcentral, Pennsylvania
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:45 am Post subject: |
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| EvilKimEvil wrote: | | jawbrodt wrote: | | He want's to hear "I can tell you are interested in me, you are smart, sexy, charming, etc... Would you like to be my boyfriend?". If you want to play it safe, you could add "Or....Do you think it is a little too early yet?" That is every insecure guys dream. Trust me, I know. |
Thank you so much!! I will try something like that! (BTW, I'm laughing because it's so right-on - I can really imagine it working. ).
Actually, it's funny, he's already told me he's "off the market" and only interested in me - it might just be a matter of asking permission to use the word, which is a pretty funny thing to worry about. |
You're welcome.
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Those who speak, don't know.
Those who know, don't speak. |
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EvilKimEvil
zoo-music girl
Joined: Sep 27, 2007
Posts: 3040
Location: highway to hell
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:48 am Post subject: |
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| Jainaday wrote: | | You might ask him when he's going to get around to asking you to go out with him. Makes it clear what you'd say, and gives him the opportunity to do the asking, in case he wanted to. |
We don't believe in traditional dating. That was established early on, but it wasn't a big deal because it's normal for people like us. I don't think I know many people who do the traditional dating thing. I've only been on one date in my entire life, an that was with my first boyfriend, a frat boy.
This guy takes me out to eat, buys me cool presents like Halloween decorations (which I collect), and invites me to meet him at the bar, where he buys all my drinks, but we spend most of our time just hanging out together like friends - talking, watching movies, listening to records, taking the dog for walks. No formal stuff - just real life. Today, we did a cross-word puzzle together.
So, at least among some people, if the guy buys you things and takes you out for food and drinks, that counts as a boyfriend?
I guess the one major downside to avoiding traditional dating is that things can get hard to define, hence this thread. |
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Jainaday
in uncertain taste
Joined: Jul 09, 2007
Age: 24
Posts: 1344
Location: in the They
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:50 am Post subject: |
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| substitute "be an official couple with" for "go out with." |
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