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Pugly
Man-child diligently becoming a Dude, man
Joined: Jan 10, 2005
Age: 26
Posts: 2567
Location: Wisonsin
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 Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:07 am Post subject: Still have no idea what my deal is... |
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I've been in a very strange state lately. I still know that something is 'up' with me, but the more I've learned the more confused and 'weird' I get. I've had something of a 'diagnosis' but nothing really came of it. I paid for it out of pocket, and I don't have insurance... and I couldn't pay for the Doctor time or prescriptions that would have completed it. This was for more of an ADHD thing... I am a bit confused because the psychologist didn't even give me any paper work or anything after the fact. I'll have to contact their office and see what the deal is... I didn't follow up on it like I should have because I got busy with school after it was done.
I have a couple of main things that go on in my brain that seem to describe much of my problems.
I have a short term memory problem... or working memory or whatever it should be called... but it's with my memory... and it's a problem. A huge problem. I forget things all the time. I can't come up with the words needed to convey the ideas/concepts/items/everything in my head. I need to recheck the steps involved in doing a task many times because I can't remember everything needed. I forget that I have or have not done something, so I recheck it. My studying habits were non-existent... I couldn't keep track of everything I needed to remember. It was always in one part of my brain and out another.
But I was semi-successful at school. Primarily because I do have some decent mental ability. As part of that 'diagnosis' I had to take an IQ test... which put me in the 130 range... with noticeable deficits in the short term memory part of things. But other people can see that I have a working functional semi-advanced brain. So I don't think people understand that I could even have problems with anything. I'm a bright young guy, I'll figure it out... they say. I'm the smart one... how could I have problems with learning. So I have basically no way to ask for help or even acknowledge to anyone that I even have problems. They instantly get defensive and try to 'cheer' me up... and don't look at what I am actually saying.
So I am pretty sure I have ADHD. This may be in addition to AS or whatever... or be the only thing i have... but I have some sort of distraction of my own brain going on. I have found ways to compensate and get some help for this. But not completely.
But on top of all this... there still seems to be something else. A a weird social thing... an anxiety perhaps... but I don't get that stressed. I am always seeking some sort of approval from others. I have a difficult time conveying authority... even on things that I know about. I'm extremely conscious about doing things the right way so as to not offend people. Unless I've established that I am not going to follow some social rule. But by not knowing what will offend people... I tend to not do things... I don't know what I'm supposed to do... so I don't do anything. People say I look lost and confused... I don't ask for help in places... I don't even know how to ask for help. I just stand looking around because I don't know what to ask of people... or to be looked at like I don't know what I'm doing in a place that should be obvious.
I just graduated college, and I have no idea what I want to do next. When I look down a path... everything I need to do looks so daunting and impossible. And inevitably there is some step or process that I find absurd... and rebel and want to do it my own way. I also get distracted and forget to do some of the steps. And this isn't even factoring in the social aspect of it like job interviews and networking and calling places to know whats going on... and following up and writing thank you letters. And needing to do start every step before I'm mentally prepared to focus on that step...
The biggest problem I have though is that I have no place to get help from. I am 26 years old and my family believes I'm more 'functional' than I actually am. I do not have any parents to help me along. I can't talk about this much, without people around me saying I am making excuses. Well okay maybe I'm making excuses for half this stuff... but even if some of it is true... then I'll need some kind of help to get me self sufficient in life.
Where does one get help from... where do I find what's really up with me.
Gah, this rambling rant probably wasn't the funnest stuff in the world to read. I'm in a very weird state right now, as I said... and it's the result of some sleep deprivation. But I had to write something out. If anyone has a similar experience... or knows how to pull themselves up and into a sustainable living... or where to get help... uh yeah I could use whatever you have to say.
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I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
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Zeller
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 16, 2008
Age: 25
Posts: 34
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 10:05 am Post subject: |
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I wrote something much longer but you know it actually didn't seem very helpful. Just wanted to put this in as kind of a place holder to let you know there are others out there that have been/are in similar situations. Just take things one step at a time and don't try to absorb the whole picture at once. Also with the memory thing I've found that carrying a pocket sized flip notebook and pen everywhere I go to be quite helpful... I have 4 of them now. One at my desk at work, one at my desk at home, one that I carry around, and one next to my bed for those pre sleep things that need to be remembered.
As for social interactions all I can say is practice practice practice... It sucks. See if theres some local groups you can join. Like in my area theres a tabletop gaming group that I used to go to and all we did was play board games and chat. At first it was awkward with all these new people around but after a while it was lots of fun even when new people joined in. Don't allow yourself to be a social chamelion you can't please everyone without losing a piece of yourself in the process. Most importantly try to enjoy every day especially the difficult ones. |
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Deus_ex_machina
Mudliquor
Joined: May 20, 2006
Age: 19
Posts: 1413
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:16 pm Post subject: |
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That sounds exactly like me. Unfortunately there isn't much help for people living in the US who have Autism, from what I hear.
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"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." - Terry Bisson |
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EvilKimEvil
zoo-music girl
Joined: Sep 27, 2007
Posts: 3038
Location: CA
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:30 pm Post subject: |
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A little-recognized fact is that garden variety clinical depression can have a profound effect on memory and similar mental processes that we usually take for granted.
I have experienced this myself. Depression can involve a lot more than just feeling mopey, and sometimes it expresses itself in less emotional ways - for example, if you're always tired and struggling with memory, that could simply be depression.
I hope you can find a way to get some help in some form.  |
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Pugly
Man-child diligently becoming a Dude, man
Joined: Jan 10, 2005
Age: 26
Posts: 2567
Location: Wisonsin
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:44 pm Post subject: |
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| EvilKimEvil wrote: | A little-recognized fact is that garden variety clinical depression can have a profound effect on memory and similar mental processes that we usually take for granted.
I have experienced this myself. Depression can involve a lot more than just feeling mopey, and sometimes it expresses itself in less emotional ways - for example, if you're always tired and struggling with memory, that could simply be depression.
I hope you can find a way to get some help in some form. |
Strangely I've never even considered myself depressed... I'm a pretty happy person in general actually.
Which makes it harder for people to believe that I in fact do have problems.
My memory problems can be traced back to when I was young. I don't think this is depression, it's something with my brain... er I guess that can describe depression too... I think you know what I mean though...
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I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
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EvilKimEvil
zoo-music girl
Joined: Sep 27, 2007
Posts: 3038
Location: CA
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:51 pm Post subject: |
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| It would probably be a good idea to see a neurologist, if you can find a way to do so. |
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krex
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 21, 2006
Age: 44
Posts: 4973
Location: Village of the Damned
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:15 pm Post subject: |
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I can relate to your post and am going through similar situation....except that I'm 44 and feel that time is running out. I eventually found a niche market that was more tolerant of my "aspieness" but it is still very stressful and I still always feel that I am on the verge of "running away" or getting fired. I work in social services, mostly, doing the over night shift. I had some help with the "executive function stuff"...writing resumes, how to use the bus system(before I got a car), and practice with job interviews. Before this help, I just worked for "rent a bum agencies" and did menial labor jobs...(That was with a college degree).
AS can be very confusing for others because we are both High and low functioning depending on the task at hand. I thought this was pretty weird until I met my current BF who has MS, (and probably AS). His neurologist tested him and he scored very high on some areas and like a 5 year old in others  ...AS is similar...neurological not psychological, but there is not enough general understanding of this or appropriate services. We have fallen between the cracks. I am still trying to get my DX papers,(they lost the last release form I sent in, so I have to wait another month for them to send me one and process it and release my records to myself  ....frickin absurdity and incompetence drives me nuts). <---and this from high functioning NTs???
I have also wondered if I actually have ADD, as my DXer thought but two attempts to take the meds to treat it left me in zombie mode and I stopped taking the pills for it. I don't think it is ADD, I think it is AS and executive function frustration making me feel over whelmed, so I avoid certain tasks....half finished projects due to hitting a brick wall in abilities.
I have also had the memory problems since...as far back as I can remember ...I tried the note book think but couldn't find my notebooks in all the clutter that is my house...or read my own notes to self...  I couldn't survive with out "post it notes' to remind myself of things at work...I stick them in one place where I will not lose them. This is also hard for people to understand because I have a great memory for things other people forget but can't recall if I actually "punched in" for work...even if I did it 3 seconds go. I think it is because I am often "day dreaming" when I do certain physical things....Where are my shoes"....I try and create habits/routines, like taking my shoes of in the same place or hanging my keys by the door but if something else happens...like I have a bag of groceries with me....I will still forget because I am already thinking about getting them in the fridge when I come through the door. Sometimes I can do a "visual flash back" and figure out the most likely place I would have put something if I came in with groceries...kitchen counter or fridge (Got side tracked by needing a glass of water). I believe all this stuff is neurological because my MS bF does the same things and his DR says it is the MS....neurological. More research needs to be done and more supports given to those who need them....just like they have for people with other neurological conditions....(really a pet pieve of mine that AS is being treated as a cognitive issue when much of it is neurological.....arrgggg)
I don't know if this will be possible for you but what I am trying to do is get a copy of my DX and bring it to vocational rehab and see if I can find anyone who has a clue about neurological issues.
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imok2
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Oct 05, 2007
Posts: 41
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:24 pm Post subject: |
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I wish I knew what your deal is because it sure sounds familiar.
I tried to talk to my Dr about memory problems. He chuckled and suggested an herbal treatment. I felt like he didn’t take me seriously and was very offended. Memory problems are not only a bother, but have interfered at work. When in impacts your standard of living it should be taken seriously.
I write things down. I email my self reminders. Leave things that need to be attended to in obvious places. No idea of what the real problem is or a real fix for it. I’m operating on the idea that maybe it’s hormonal changes and might level out in a few years. I did have an excellent memory in my teen years and it has progressively gotten worse. I’m mid 30’s and had a good bump on my head last year. Memory is better than a year ago. It’s just not like it was 20 years ago. I still think I’m too young for it to seriously be old age setting in.
I’ve never had a real IQ test, but one I took on line put me just under your score. So, I guess like you, it’s good enough to make up for other short falls. I was only fortunate enough to get an Associate’s degree and female, but still manage to make around $35k. It’s not mega bucks, but proof that you aren’t doomed for destitution.
Graduation is exciting when the next step is lined up. If not, it’s just damn scary. The what-now stage is very intimidating. Five years from now, you’ll probably be well on your way. Figuring the part out in between stinks.
Looking for a job is the worst for me. I’d say that I don’t interview well, but typically I don’t even get that far. Not sure what I do wrong at all. Maybe I should pay someone to do my resume…or maybe what was on my resume seemed to be more than feasible for my level of education in my particular industry…I didn’t get the pay or title to go with it, but it was all true.
Most jobs have been gotten from someone I knew or even an acquaintance. The more time that passes since graduation or your previous job (I had gotten laid off) the harder it is to get into something. [You don’t want to be like the car or house that’s on the market too long. People won’t even stop and look because they assume if it were a good deal someone else would have already snapped it up!]
Even if it’s not the job you want, take something. Everything is interrelated. Look for how it ties into your long term goal. After being out of work for 10 mo, I took a job that I quite honestly felt was beneath me. It was all I could get. (Apparently, the rest of the world didn’t think I was as valuable as I felt I was. It was a humbling road to Margartiaville.)
I went from low end white collar management to way low end blue collar grunt. I did back breaking labor for 14 months before I got a break. I’m back to similar pay and in an office now, but I can look back and see that I very much gained applicable experience in those 14 months. I learned that the working class has some scued ideas. I also learned that they are just as intelligent as mahogany row types (often held back by lack of education or sometimes just no interest in moving up). The reason for so many out-of-whack ideas out there is simply that Management doesn’t communicate. This is bad for moral and kills productivity. You honestly have to be submerged to fully appreciate the impact. That’s it for my rant.
I too have fallen victim to excuses. I get depressed and wallow in them. I almost enjoy the hopeless misery. At some point, I crawl out. I remember that the only way to make a change is to do something different. Often that something different is something that I flat don’t want to do. Getting off dead center is progress…even if it means moving backwards. Just don’t let yourself get stuck too long. The above is the nearest thing to “help” I know.
I feel for you, but am also glad to hear I’m not alone in this….whatever it may be. It might have been a rambling rant, but nothing was comical. I read every word and related to each. It was well written and thought out. You do come across as capable.
Aside from marriage, this is one of the biggest crossroads in life. It’s intimidating. Many fall into the role of professional student. The rest of us just muddle along. I like the elephant theory…how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Since you just grad, are you still in the same area? Is your area flooded with other new grads? You might want to find a less competitive market in another geographic area or a less obvious professional area. [I knew a guy who wanted to do med x-ray, but he was too young to get the cert. He got a job with a machine shop that x-rayed parts and gained experience there. It was genius!]
Also, talk to everyone. I got a job lead while camping. A guy fishing next to me had a wife who was a VP’s secretary…they were looking for a such-n-such. Always try to be friendly and confident because you never know where a job lead may be hiding.
There’s a movie called What About Bob. It’s a Bill Murray. Baby Steps, Dude. They can get you anywhere. |
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imok2
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Oct 05, 2007
Posts: 41
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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| krex, "rent a bum" is too funny! (Although I have to admit that I couldn't manage to get on with a temp agancy. I tried.) |
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