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BeautyWithin
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 07, 2007
Posts: 375
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 Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:43 pm Post subject: Doesn't love Mom...? |
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Whenever hubby and I ask our 4 yr old if he loves me he says "No". He says he loves Dad but not Mom.
I tried to explain that you can love more than one person... Mom & Dad, Grandma, Auntie etc but he 'only' loves Dad.
Has anyone else gone through this?
Any advice?
It hurts so much when he says 'No'. |
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Lightning88
Skunk Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 05, 2006
Age: 19
Posts: 2923
Location: Indiana
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:47 pm Post subject: |
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I wouldn't look too much into it if I were you. When I was four, I often told my mom that I wanted to go live at my friend's house instead of with her. I think it's probably just a phase most young kids go through. 
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ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 3161
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:59 pm Post subject: |
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Maybe he doesn't.
I lost my first love, real love, passionate unconditional love, for my mother when my sister was born, ( I was only 18 months old, but a few years ago I remembered this happening, or rather what it was that I felt before my sister arrived ), and as time passed I reached a point of indifference such that when a friend asked me, aged 19, what my mother was like, I had no idea.
I could not have said what my mother was like; she was a greyish, vague, insignificant presence next to my Dad, who for many years I hated , but at least noticed. He mattered to me. My mother didn't.
My 8 year AS/PDD old son said only this last weekend that he didn't care about his papa. I reflexedly pulled him up on that, asking whether he didn't mean something else, in the context, and he said no, that he had indeed meant that he didn't care about his papa.
I ( AS) love my son. That is one person that I know I love, but I don't know if children necessarily always love both their parents. After the first years of genetically-determined, evolutionarily advantageous acceptance and "following" of primary care givers, I'm not sure what it is to "love" parents. Habit. Affection. Gratitude.
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"Life is pain; anyone who says different is selling something" |
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alex
Developer
Joined: Jun 14, 2004
Age: 22
Posts: 6292
Location: DC Metro Area (No. VA)
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Is the thing that hurts you the fact that he says he doesn't love you or the fact that he doesn't love you? Does he? |
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BazzaMcKenzie
Wild colonial man
Joined: Aug 22, 2006
Age: 48
Posts: 3695
Location: the Antipodes
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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Stop asking. It probably doesn't mean anything.
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I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.
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lelia
Pika
Joined: Apr 12, 2007
Age: 56
Posts: 1420
Location: Vancouver not BC, Washington not DC
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:17 pm Post subject: |
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At age 4 many children switch allegiancies all the time. It is possible that next week when Dad makes the child mad, the kid will choose to love you instead.
When my grandson said he hated me I knew I had ticked him off. So I said, Well, I love you. and let the matter drop. The next time he visited he loved me again. Children don't know the names for their emotions. When I could not look into people's eyes because it "hurt", I meant it made me anxious, but I did not know that word as a child, so I picked what I thought was the closest approximation.
I don't think arguing with a child about love will accomplish anything good. I have a son who can never tell me what he is feeling. When I ask him what he is feeling, what I can see him feel next is panic and hopelessness because he cannot give me an answer. He still is like this at age 26. |
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annie2
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 18, 2007
Posts: 314
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 8:21 pm Post subject: |
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My son "loves" me because he thinks I'm a good cook, and "likes" his Dad because he gets to play jump-on-Dad with him. I wouldn't worry that it means he doesn't love you. He is probably too young to understand what love means anyway.
One thing I teach all my kids is that you never say you love someone else over another (eg. Dad vs Mum, Grandma vs Nan). You just love them all the same. Maybe your husband (since he is the one being "loved" at the moment), could teach him something like this. |
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Mikomi
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 25, 2008
Posts: 781
Location: On top of your TV, lookin' at you funny.
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 2:14 am Post subject: |
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I don't think a four year old has a real deep concept of love. "Love" simply may not mean the same thing in your child's mind as it means in yours. Ask too much and you'll appear needy. That's not a good image for a kid to have of their mother, trust me. When my daughter (also 4) told me she wanted a nice mommy (after I refused her a fruit roll-up because she misbehaved) I got my first taste of the backhand of her feelings. I also realized though that if push came to shove, she'd choose me over any other mommy. Kids are kids, and what they say isn't always pleasing or humorous, that's for sure. But we're parents, and we can't make them feel bad for what they feel.
My daughter later informed me, "You're a nice mommy now. I want to keep you." lol
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MsTriste
OTS
Joined: Dec 08, 2005
Age: 44
Posts: 3373
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:23 am Post subject: |
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| BazzaMcKenzie wrote: | | Stop asking. It probably doesn't mean anything. |
Besides, how's any 4 year old supposed to know what love is  |
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flowergal
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 13, 2008
Age: 37
Posts: 58
Location: Peaceful Countryside, USA
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 5:07 am Post subject: |
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I wouldn't worry about it. What do his actions show? I think actions speak more than words anyway. I tell my children I love them and my possible AS kid doesn't always respond by saying 'I love you too.' But he will show it by wanting to sit with me, read with me, cook with me, he wants to be with me....like I said, actions say it more than words. Maybe try reading some "mommy and me books" Like Love you forever or The Kissing Hand or even the Runaway Bunny Those stories emphasize moms loving their kids. I do think kids also will choose one parent over another at times (mine all did, still do), but I also think at different times in their lives each parent meets a different need and that is okay. I would look at what his actions say, not so much his words. If he doesn't always want to spend time with you, try joining him in what he is doing. If he is playing with toys or something, join him and just join the conversation. Or invite him to do something with you like make cookies or play with a puzzle or go for a walk. With children I believe parents have to meet them at their level. 
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"When life brings you to your knees, you are in a good position to pray!" |
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ster
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 24, 2005
Posts: 2315
Location: new england
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:42 am Post subject: |
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| it hurts, but it happens.....not to worry.................what about having Dad ask the 4 year old what love means ? you might be surprised by his answer. |
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BeautyWithin
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 07, 2007
Posts: 375
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 11:58 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for all of your responses!
We don't ask him often about if he loves me... but it has been a consistent answer pretty much since he's been verbal. What is worrisome is that if he sees a pretty girl he'll want to stay with her and walk away with her and her Mommy. He'll tell me he wants to be with them and not me. It makes going to the park a nightmare sometimes because he'll literally walk away with them if they let him. I don't want to always have to explain that he has autism and he doesn't know it's not socially appropriate to do that. And then when I try to carry him home, he gets all upset with me for not letting him stay with that pretty girl. (This never happens with boys.)
When I was a child I would often tell my parents that I didn't love them. In my case I genuinely meant it. My Dad was an alcoholic and both of my parents were abusive towards me. I was constantly beaten by them as well as my older brother and sisters. I guess it's just hurting because I've made sure that I've made sure to NOT act like them, to not be like them, to be affectionate, to not use corporal punishment, using positive re-inforcements etc
I also try to limit his contact with them because I think they aren't the best role models for him.
I haven't given him any real reason to dislike me.
I guess it could be like lelia said... It could be that he doesn't know how to name his emotions. He does have problems with understanding them. I think he has an all or nothing approach to love where he thinks you can only love one person at a time. |
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natesmom
Sea Gull
Joined: May 16, 2008
Posts: 232
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:26 pm Post subject: |
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| BeautyWithin wrote: | Thanks for all of your responses!
What is worrisome is that if he sees a pretty girl he'll want to stay with her and walk away with her and her Mommy. He'll tell me he wants to be with them and not me. It makes going to the park a nightmare sometimes because he'll literally walk away with them if they let him. I don't want to always have to explain that he has autism and he doesn't know it's not socially appropriate to do that. And then when I try to carry him home, he gets all upset with me for not letting him stay with that pretty girl. (This never happens with boys.)
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It happens with my four year old. About a month ago, he was at the park and kept telling older girls he loved them while chasing them. He has a "girlfriend" at his in home daycare (I don't work during the summer so he hasn't seen her). He would get mad when I pick him up because I am taking him away from her. My boy is so girl crazy. Now, instead of telling girls he loves them, he says "You are beautiful, my dear."
I honestly wouldn't read too much into it but do try to spend a lot of quality time doing fun things with him. That makes the biggest difference with my son. When I do puzzles with him, take him for walks, go to the library and pet store.... it really seems to make a big difference. My son says things like that to me sometimes but it is usually related to him not getting what he wants or me not spending some good, quality time with him (like now, must get off the of the forum to take him to the pet store!).
Last edited by natesmom on Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:48 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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ImMelody
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 10, 2008
Posts: 706
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:41 pm Post subject: |
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| Stop looking for validation that you're not your parents with your 4-yr old autistic son. He doesn't really know what love is. He does seem to understand attraction. Instead of taking him away from the girls, maybe ask their moms if they want to come over for a playdate. Use it as a social skills experience if the girls don't seem appalled by what he's doing. This is not coming from someone who's not in your shoes. My youngest son will say "No!" when I tell him I love him He knows the "appropriate response," but that doesn't mean he has to say it. I'm not hurt by it at all. I just tell him he's being silly. They have no concept of love at this age. Heck, I wouldn't expect an NT child to have a concept of love at 4, let alone our AS children. |
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annotated_alice
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 26, 2008
Posts: 145
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:02 pm Post subject: |
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| BeautyWithin wrote: |
I guess it could be like lelia said... It could be that he doesn't know how to name his emotions. He does have problems with understanding them. I think he has an all or nothing approach to love where he thinks you can only love one person at a time. |
I bet that this is exactly what it is. My sons are also very all or nothing. They do understand that they can love more than one person at a time, but feel that when you are happy with someone you love them and when you are unhappy with them you hate them, with nothing in between. They do tell me that they love me frequently, but they also tell me that they hate me too. We just try to explain other more accurate and less hurtful ways to let someone know how you feel, and hope that eventually it will sink in. I think we may do a social story about it too, which is something that might help to teach your son about loving more than one person too.
I also wonder if you do more of the unpleasant day to day stuff than your hubby? And he is more of the good times guy? Maybe if Dad took over doing the hard stuff (like brushing teeth or shampooing hair or speech therapy exercises or whatever else it is that your son finds very stressful) for awhile, it might start to balance DS's affections. I was wondering because this sometimes happens in our family. |
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