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MisterHeron
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jul 31, 2007
Age: 19
Posts: 198
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 Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:33 am Post subject: Relationship fears... |
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Sometimes I see or hear things that just scare the living daylights out of me. Cheating, divorce, everything. Sometimes I worry, that even if I do everything right, and do my best to make the one I'm with happy, it just won't be enough.
I would be mortified if I lost a girlfriend to some other guy. It doesn't help that I get attached quickly, too quickly in fact. I've got an ever looming fear of rejection. Even seeing movies, where some guy loses the love of his life, it tears into my very soul. It's heart wrenching.
Is anyone else like this? |
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MR_BOGAN
Mysterios Dirty Dancer
Joined: Mar 06, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 1876
Location: The great trailer park in the sky!
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 4:11 am Post subject: |
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Yep
But it is something that you don't have much control over, so if you have a relationship then just enjoy it while you can. |
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cursed_brunette
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 03, 2008
Age: 41
Posts: 92
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 7:57 am Post subject: Relationships ~ |
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I myself have been married 3 times, all to NT's... (okay, Go ahead & laugh) Did I plan to be married 3x's? NO , but that's how it worked out.
My first husband left (for another woman) after I was pregnant with my 2nd planned child was 3 months old & my 1st child was 2 years old. So there I was with a 2yr old ,a 3 month old, no job, no money (he wiped out the bank account b4 he left.),my charge cards maxed out on HIS girlfriend & living in HIS home town.I had to move back to mine, find an apartment, all while falling apart every 3 minutes. I cried for about 1&1/2 years. I was inconsolable, devastated, betrayed, angry, hurt & depressed.
My second husband was/is a bum. But I thought it was the best I could do. I tolerated much from this man for 11 years. Sporatic employment, cheating, drugs, disrespect, laziness..... & many, many other things... In 2004 I had had enough. I booted him out.. He was cheating again.
I finally decided basically I would raise my children by myself, finish paying for my home & when the klids were old enough to get out on their own. I was going to move to the country perhaps get a small farm. Something I could do with little to NO interaction with people. Perhaps leaving the house to go to work or whatever... I didn't have it all planned out at all. Just an idea... & started putting money away like crazy.
I didn't know what I did wrong. I believe I WAS & AM a really good wife. But, I gave up.
I did work with my current husband for 3 years, I was attracted to him. But, he was separated from his wife at the time I was working with him. Last I knew he was trying to get back with her. i forgot all about him.
Anyway, one day I remembered he existed... I found out he was still alone after 3years, I called him. I asked him out to a movie. (1st & last man I had ever asked out) We went to lunch instead. It was AMAZING, he is AMAZING. He loves me, he loves the kind of mom I am, the kind of wife I am. He loves that I like to cook & clean & doesn't mind that I am AS. We are happy together, we respect each other, he doesn't cheat. If he isn't working then we are together, all the time. He ACCEPTS me as I am. We have problems however, most of them come from outside this home.. and not from within our relationship.
I guess what I am trying to say is this. YOU ARE GOING TO BE HURT. YOU ARE GOING TO CRY. BUT ~ IT IS POSSIBLE TO FIND SOMEONE. THEY DO EXIST. Good people I mean. Don't be afraid to try. Don't be afraid to fail. It is all part of the process. There is someone out there to love & be loved by... Being on the spectrum does not exclude you from the pain, nor does it mean that you are the only one that will suffer.
IT IS JUST LIFE. SOMETIMES IT HURTS & SOMETIMES IF YOU KEEP TRYING YOU CAN FIND SOMETHING AMAZING. 
_________________
Thoughts become words.
Words become actions.
Actions become habits.
Habits become character.
And Character is Everything. |
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MR_BOGAN
Mysterios Dirty Dancer
Joined: Mar 06, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 1876
Location: The great trailer park in the sky!
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:06 am Post subject: |
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| ^ nice to hear you have a good relationsip now. |
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slowmutant
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 14, 2008
Age: 29
Posts: 6815
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:07 am Post subject: |
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MisterHeron, my advice would be to talk to your current gf about these fears of yours. Is she the type of person who inspires trust? Is there something about this person that makes you uncomfortable in any way?
Talk to her and tell her your concerns. She may not even know you feel this way. I am somewhat qualified to give relationship advice and am happy to help when I can.
Good luck. |
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beef_bourito
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 13, 2008
Age: 20
Posts: 1291
Location: Ottawa, On, Canada
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:29 am Post subject: |
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| i have worried about that, but i decided to just forget about it. there's no point worrying about it until i actually get a girlfriend. if i get one and that does become a problem, then i know i need to work on it, but i'm not going to worry about something that might not be an issue. |
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heavensgift777
Butterfly
Joined: Jun 19, 2008
Posts: 12
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:25 pm Post subject: |
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| it doesn't make sense on how people can reject people cause of they have feelings with a different person |
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pbcoll
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 15, 2007
Posts: 1732
Location: England
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:50 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not exactly like that, cheating and divorce rather convince me that the whole process is not worthwhile. Or rather, they make it easier to accept that there is little point in trying (as I've given up on any woman I'm interested in ever being interested in me).
_________________
I neither take revenge, nor beg for favours. (Rabindranath Tagore)
I am the steppenwolf that never learned to dance. (Sedaka) |
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EvilKimEvil
zoo-music girl
Joined: Sep 27, 2007
Posts: 3040
Location: highway to hell
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, until I'm in some sort of committed relationship, I experience intense confusion and fear of rejection. I try to conceal this and prevent it from affecting my behavior, but it does have a way of coming out sometimes, against my will.
As far as committed relationships go:
I've learned the hard way that there are fates far worse than being cheated on occasionally.
Of course I'd be hurt if my bf fell in love with another girl and spent more time with her than me - I'd wonder why he didn't just leave me for her, and this would make me suspect I was being taken advantage of.
But imagine your love dying.
Imagine them getting sick with a terrible, incurable illness. And of course you become their care-taker.
Imagine your partner getting raped or kidnapped or suffering some other horrible experience that would cause great psychological trauma.
Imagine them getting sent off to war, waking up each morning knowing they could be dead or permanently disabled, knowing they'll probably have PTSD for the rest of their lives.
Imagine your partner getting hooked on hard drugs, and hiding this from you, until you found them OD'ed on your couch, or your bank account emptied.
Imagine they get into hard drugs and coerce you into that lifestyle too - you have to break up to get off the drugs and even then you spend your whole life trying to stay away from that stuff, and being stigmatized by your history.
Imagine one or both of you going to prison - for a long time. Like 10 years or more. Could be a simple case of mistaken identity or, in some states, a cop finding a small joint in your car.
Imagine them getting beat up by the cops, exercising a reasonable amount of self-defense, and getting killed or permanently disfigured or sent to prison for life as a result.
Imagine you have a child with a really painful, chronic disability - you have to spend the rest of your lives caring for this person who is in constant pain and needs 24/7 care. And you don't have insurance because you're poor. So you have to do it all yourself.
Imagine your partner develops a gambling addiction, after you have gotten legally married, landing you deep in debt for the rest of your life.
These are all common real-life things that couples deal with. Consider yourself lucky if the worst that happens is that your partner cheats on you once or twice. |
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MisterHeron
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jul 31, 2007
Age: 19
Posts: 198
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 3:20 am Post subject: |
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Ugh, that's horrible. I just hope I don't ever have to deal with that.
I feel comfortable with this girl though, she's nice, and I've already been talking to her for a few months now. We didn't commit, or even think about a relationship at first, it just kind of blossomed into it. We were just friends, and I was going to keep it that way, but I've developed feelings for her. |
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Rynok
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 11, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 413
Location: San Antonio, Texas
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 4:19 am Post subject: |
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I spend way too much time dealing with hypothetical situations.
I can say though if they are cheating on you, then they weren't right for you and deserve to be dumped (although its a double edged sword...and lots of people stay with a cheating partner just because they are too afraid of being single again).
Lots of worst stuff can go on than "just cheating" but I wouldn't stay in a relationship just because "it could be worse".
My rule of thumb:
If your better off single than you are dealing with the relationship your in, just call it off.
Relationships, in my mind, aren't there to make your life harder and more miserable. |
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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 3:31 am Post subject: Re: Relationship fears... |
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| MisterHeron wrote: | Sometimes I see or hear things that just scare the living daylights out of me. Cheating, divorce, everything. Sometimes I worry, that even if I do everything right, and do my best to make the one I'm with happy, it just won't be enough.
I would be mortified if I lost a girlfriend to some other guy. It doesn't help that I get attached quickly, too quickly in fact. I've got an ever looming fear of rejection. Even seeing movies, where some guy loses the love of his life, it tears into my very soul. It's heart wrenching.
Is anyone else like this? |
Exactly the same here. My low self esteem is basically sabotaging my relationship with my gf. I feel completely helpless as whenever I concentrate on improving myself I start forgetting to do some other fundamental thing. |
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jamesohgoodie
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 18, 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 522
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 3:59 am Post subject: |
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i have 13 aunts and uncles. every single one of them (including my parents and grandparents) has been married at least twice.
my relationship fear is either i'll be trapped in a bitter hateful marriage, OR that i've weave in and out of SEVERAL hateful marriages while never ultimately finding my perfect companion.
and even worse, i fear bringing that companion INTO my insane family. i can barely handle my family on my own, i don't want to subject someone i love to it.
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"The Internet Hates Us and We Hate It Back."
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EvilKimEvil
zoo-music girl
Joined: Sep 27, 2007
Posts: 3040
Location: highway to hell
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 1:27 pm Post subject: |
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| MisterHeron wrote: |
Ugh, that's horrible. I just hope I don't ever have to deal with that.
I feel comfortable with this girl though, she's nice, and I've already been talking to her for a few months now. We didn't commit, or even think about a relationship at first, it just kind of blossomed into it. We were just friends, and I was going to keep it that way, but I've developed feelings for her. |
Wow! I was really depressed when I wrote that post!
I was trying to be helpful by putting things in perspective and expressing my views (gained through years of experience). I think I achieved that, but I hope I didn't scare you!
Good luck with the girl!
Also, before I had experienced rejection, I used to fear it with intensity. When I did experience it for the first time, it was actually humbling, and it turned into an opportunity for self-reflection and new-found wisdom. After that experience, I fear it far less - only when my feelings for someone are unusually intense and I have a reason to think they might reject me. And even then, the fear is less intense than it was before I had experienced it. |
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Fiz
The Outspoken
Joined: Jan 30, 2006
Posts: 1360
Location: Manchester, United Kingdom
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: Re: Relationship fears... |
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| RustyShackleford wrote: | | MisterHeron wrote: | Sometimes I see or hear things that just scare the living daylights out of me. Cheating, divorce, everything. Sometimes I worry, that even if I do everything right, and do my best to make the one I'm with happy, it just won't be enough.
I would be mortified if I lost a girlfriend to some other guy. It doesn't help that I get attached quickly, too quickly in fact. I've got an ever looming fear of rejection. Even seeing movies, where some guy loses the love of his life, it tears into my very soul. It's heart wrenching.
Is anyone else like this? |
Exactly the same here. My low self esteem is basically sabotaging my relationship with my gf. I feel completely helpless as whenever I concentrate on improving myself I start forgetting to do some other fundamental thing. |
RustyShackleford, I think your girlfriend must be with you for who you are, otherwise she wouldn't be there in the first place. You know that your low self-esteem is affecting your relationship, so talk to her about it if you haven't done so already. Think about it this way, she is still your girlfriend and not your ex. Therefore don't concentrate too much on trying to improve yourself as this consumes you and gets in the way of other things (as you've probably noticed). If you do the other 'fundamental' things as you call them and set yourself up small goals as a way of making yourself feel better, then your self-esteem may grow and your relationship will remain intact. Tailor you little goals around things that you like or have an interest or that you know you are good at etc. I have been through this myself and that worked for me. It's not easy but it's possible.
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Average=mediocre
Mediocre=boring
Aspergers is a gift, use it wisely and creatively. |
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