Inconsistency

Sublyme · Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:45 pm Post subject:

Is the story of my life. I don't know how much of it has to do with having bipolar disorder and how much of it had to do with having autism, or even if it matters.

All I can say is that I can only function like a normal member of society for so long, then I revert and want to just hide under a rock (even better a big weighted blanked), and sleep. I was doing so well for a while. Maybe what I feel is the just comedown from the high of mania, and regular cycle into depression. I don't know what it is. I guess this is the in between.

I've had a lot going on recently. I was in a friend's wedding. Flew to Florida to go to a seminar for work (lots of socializing involved) and visit another friend, then another friend from out of state came to see me for a few days. Way to much social interaction for that short period of time. Don't get me wrong. I like my friends. I'm lucky to have friends. I just find interaction with them mentally draining sometimes....thank God I had the remnants of this spring's mania to keep me going. But now that's gone.

I can no longer cook for myself and found myself last night with extremely low blood sugar after not eating all day, so I resorted to eating raw pasta once again. I am not getting exercise. I haven't spoken a word in a couple days. No I'm not sad. Just tired and I need a break. My motivation is gone. I have no desire to get out of bed in the morning, and I just want to sleep. But when I'm really depressed I don't care that my blood sugar is low, or that my work is suffering....the apathy hasn't set in just yet.

This isn't really depression. I'm still making an effort. I just want the mania back (well the hypomania anyway). I want the world to be beautiful again. I want to cook myself a five course meal for dinner. I want to make it to the gym everyday. I want to be motivated at work again, I want that spark of creativity back. I want to look nice, to put together an outfit. I want to do my laundry, to buy food, to clean my house, to call up a friend and have something to talk about, to just to do something other than going to bed the second I get home from work.

My boss even says during my yearly reviews that my work is inconsistent. I go through periods of almost superhuman productivity. I generate dozens of new ideas, create really innovative products, get patents...do the work of three chemists, go a bit insane, then it just stops. What she sees is the transition into hypomania, then full blown mania (hence the insane part), then the crash. She doesn't know that I'm bipolar or that I have an autism spectrum disorder, and has no reason to. I just sometimes which she knew why sometimes I don't speak. Why I always look at the floor, and why my work is so inconsistent. Heck I wish I knew why I was so inconsistent.

I know medication can prevent some of the shifts in mood, but even when I used to take medication I'd still have these periods of mental and physical exhaustion. It's like the more I try to fit in, and the better I get at it the more exhausted I get.