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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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 Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 3:54 am Post subject: Same old story, no obvious resolution |
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I guess I am going to have to accept in the very near future that I have screwed up another relationship. The end is looming; sounds pessimistic but I have seen this happen before where exactly the same things were said.
This is the second 6 year relationship I have had, which I should be thankful for. The crushing realisation is that I still haven't changed.
I have no problems meeting other girls as I have some old school dirty dogs of rock n roll type friends who have no problem with diverting the excess in my direction. The problem occurs in approximately 1 week, the time it takes for me to get scarily attached to someone. Apparently most girls don't want a guy who will devote himself to them and go out of his way to try to please them.
At the moment the harder I try to sort things out with my lady the worse things get. Old wounds get reopened, the fact that I am economically stationary and have been for a while which is why we both live with my folks still etc etc.
She compared me to Kathy Griffin's hubby- always quietly in the background at her beck and call; a glorified hatstand. I would be offended if it weren't so true but it's who I am.
Is it wrong to devote yourself entirely to someone? Admittedly when I get in a relationship I bask in it's warmth and tend to let my other interests and friends suffer but I can't seem to balance the two. I am a very all or nothing kind of guy.
This is why when my gf says we could just try being friends for a while I can't agree because I don't want to be her friend.
Everything such a mess again. I hate my life at the moment and I hate that I seem to pity myself but i'm not sure what to try. I genuinely don't want any other girl this time. She is the only one thus far who has accepted a certain amount of my quirks and who doesn't annoy the hell out of me.
She is one of those popular kid types who loves to socialise and people are drawn to her like a magnet. I love her so much but it counts for nothing |
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merr
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 23, 2007
Posts: 683
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 4:45 pm Post subject: |
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They say the best thing to do when in a relationship is to keep your friendships and interests and divulge in them separately from your partner, so you both will keep your identity. Im sorry that this has happened to you, and it seems irrational and unfair to you that she asks to be your friend- that is almost always impossible, especially if the feelings have run deep, which I imagine they would after six years.
It may be the wrong thing to do to devote yourself entirely. I remember reading somewhere that happy relationships are maintained when the partners keep their own lives. I've also read that partners like it when their mates have lives outside of them. Otherwise it might feel like smothering. But I wouldnt blame yourself. Sometimes people grow apart, and she is probably grateful for having met you. I would recommend divulging in a passion you may have not had time for or have pushed to the side. Good luck. |
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Fiz
The Outspoken
Joined: Jan 30, 2006
Posts: 1355
Location: Manchester, United Kingdom
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: Re: Same old story, no obvious resolution |
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| RustyShackleford wrote: | I guess I am going to have to accept in the very near future that I have screwed up another relationship. The end is looming; sounds pessimistic but I have seen this happen before where exactly the same things were said.
This is the second 6 year relationship I have had, which I should be thankful for. The crushing realisation is that I still haven't changed. |
I think it's really sad you say it like this. Have you actually considered that maybe you are not entirely to blame for this situation you are in? I ask this because I am not convinced that this is all your fault. I think you really need to talk to your girlfriend and actually get her to listen to you properly and find out what you really want/need from each other.
| RustyShackleford wrote: |
The problem occurs in approximately 1 week, the time it takes for me to get scarily attached to someone. Apparently most girls don't want a guy who will devote himself to them and go out of his way to try to please them. Is it wrong to devote yourself entirely to someone? Admittedly when I get in a relationship I bask in it's warmth and tend to let my other interests and friends suffer but I can't seem to balance the two. I am a very all or nothing kind of guy.
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You get attached fairly quickly then? I think it all depends on how you devote yourself to someone. If you see them all the time and let your friendships and interests suffer, you are almost or even totally becoming dependent on your partner, but your partner may have interests etc of her own and may want to do them without having to worry about how it will affect you. I can fully appreciate that balancing a relationship with your own interests and friendships is difficult particularly, like us, if you have Asperger's syndrome. I used to find it difficult as well. More often than not, I found it tiring. But I do think it is important that you try and do this, even if you see one friend every fortnight and do something you like doing without your partner once a week as a start. It may make you feel better and improve your relationship as, because you will be doing something without her or seeing a friend without her, when you return, you'll both look forward to seeing each other more. Even if you just go round to a friends house to listen to music and do nothing else, get away from her for a couple or a few hours. I think that when you see a person too much, you can take their presence for granted, which I think (if you view your quote below) your girlfriend has:
| RustyShackleford wrote: |
She compared me to Kathy Griffin's hubby- always quietly in the background at her beck and call; a glorified hatstand. I would be offended if it weren't so true but it's who I am. |
I don't think that taking someone for granted necessarily spells the end of a relationship, but it does tend to take a lot of the spice and excitement out of it (my opinion comes from my own personal experience).
| RustyShackleford wrote: |
At the moment the harder I try to sort things out with my lady the worse things get. Old wounds get reopened, the fact that I am economically stationary and have been for a while which is why we both live with my folks still etc etc. |
How are you trying to sort things out with her? And who is opening the old wounds, her or you or both of you?
| RustyShackleford wrote: |
Everything such a mess again. I hate my life at the moment and I hate that I seem to pity myself but i'm not sure what to try. I genuinely don't want any other girl this time. She is the only one thus far who has accepted a certain amount of my quirks and who doesn't annoy the hell out of me. She is one of those popular kid types who loves to socialise and people are drawn to her like a magnet. I love her so much but it counts for nothing |
I don't think your love counts for nothing as, despite the fact that you both know there are problems between the pair of you, she is still there. I just think you need to try and do what I have stated above about your own interests and friendships and retain that identity of yours.
_________________
Normal=average
Average=mediocre
Mediocre=boring
Aspergers is a gift, use it wisely and creatively. |
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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:16 pm Post subject: Re: Same old story, no obvious resolution |
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| Fiz wrote: |
I think it's really sad you say it like this. Have you actually considered that maybe you are not entirely to blame for this situation you are in? I ask this because I am not convinced that this is all your fault. I think you really need to talk to your girlfriend and actually get her to listen to you properly and find out what you really want/need from each other.
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I have considered the situation from all angles and seen objectively to be quite honest most if not all of the problems we now have are as a result of either me being in and out of jobs and never having any money, my constant lack of planning and organisation or my inability to consider things from someone else's perspective until it is pointed out to me. She has already been far too patient and accommodating to me considering how much I have changed her life.
| Fiz wrote: |
You get attached fairly quickly then? I think it all depends on how you devote yourself to someone. If you see them all the time and let your friendships and interests suffer, you are almost or even totally becoming dependent on your partner, but your partner may have interests etc of her own and may want to do them without having to worry about how it will affect you. I can fully appreciate that balancing a relationship with your own interests and friendships is difficult particularly, like us, if you have Asperger's syndrome. I used to find it difficult as well. More often than not, I found it tiring. But I do think it is important that you try and do this, even if you see one friend every fortnight and do something you like doing without your partner once a week as a start. It may make you feel better and improve your relationship as, because you will be doing something without her or seeing a friend without her, when you return, you'll both look forward to seeing each other more. Even if you just go round to a friends house to listen to music and do nothing else, get away from her for a couple or a few hours. I think that when you see a person too much, you can take their presence for granted, which I think (if you view your quote below) your girlfriend has:
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When I do connect with someone and we hit it off I start trying to manipulate my actions and situations once I realise someone is 'a keeper'. I guess you could call it false advertising as these webs of deceit are shortlived; the more time I spend with someone the more difficult it becomes to appear normal. You mention some good starting points there and I should certainly concentrate more on seeing people and developing my own identity again.
| Fiz wrote: |
I don't think that taking someone for granted necessarily spells the end of a relationship, but it does tend to take a lot of the spice and excitement out of it (my opinion comes from my own personal experience).
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I am certainly guilty of taking her for granted. She is patient, fair and honest and has become like my interpreter in many situations.
| Fiz wrote: |
How are you trying to sort things out with her? And who is opening the old wounds, her or you or both of you?
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I try to think more in day to day situations and leave her to get on with her social life as I have damaged that irreparably in some cases. If there is a victim in this situation it is definitely her but I have never once meant to upset her or cause her any trauma emotionally. I am constantly opening up old wounds by accident it's a bit like I am cursed with personal interactions at present.
| Fiz wrote: |
I don't think your love counts for nothing as, despite the fact that you both know there are problems between the pair of you, she is still there. I just think you need to try and do what I have stated above about your own interests and friendships and retain that identity of yours. |
She is still here although much less frequently. It's unfortunate that in many ways she is my perfect match when I am, in many ways completely wrong for her if she wants to get to where she wants to be in life. I have a horrible feeling it's going to boil down to the old 'If you love someone set them free' scenario.
Thanks for listening. |
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Zane
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 13, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 249
Location: Tempe, Arizona
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:26 pm Post subject: Re: Same old story, no obvious resolution |
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| RustyShackleford wrote: | I guess I am going to have to accept in the very near future that I have screwed up another relationship. The end is looming; sounds pessimistic but I have seen this happen before where exactly the same things were said.
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This is as far as I got before my instincs kicked in.
Read what you wrote as many times as it takes for this next staement to sink in.
Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again.
Man oh man ... look inside friend.
Trust me ... the more you think neggative the more you will fail.
Try and look outside the riged little box they put you in.
Maybe it is her? Sometimes this is the case.
Hell I had my last EX dump me because I spent time with my 8 year old sister instead of her.
It was my day off and I saw her almost 24/7 where as my lil sister maybe ... maybe ... twie a month.
My sister is 8 years old and loves her big brother unconditionally.
My girlfriend was 20 and loved her boyfriend?
Selfishly.
You should have heard her.... "How dare you!, it was your day off and you did not tell me?!?!?!"
As if I am always supposed to let her know ... some women are right and some are wrong.
However in most cases until you are fully happy with who you are in life, you will always appear needy to her. True sometimes it will be her fault....but most of the times at least in my case it was mine. I would share waaaaaaaay tooo mcuh ... or I would call waaaaay too much ... or I would act waaaaaay too nervous/anxious ....
_________________
No one grows by sitting at home; so get up, get out, and get a life. |
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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:37 pm Post subject: Re: Same old story, no obvious resolution |
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| Zane wrote: | This is as far as I got before my instincs kicked in.
Read what you wrote as many times as it takes for this next staement to sink in.
Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again.
Man oh man ... look inside friend.
Trust me ... the more you think neggative the more you will fail.
Try and look outside the riged little box they put you in.
Maybe it is her? Sometimes this is the case.
Hell I had my last EX dump me because I spent time with my 8 year old sister instead of her.
It was my day off and I saw her almost 24/7 where as my lil sister maybe ... maybe ... twie a month.
My sister is 8 years old and loves her big brother unconditionally.
My girlfriend was 20 and loved her boyfriend?
Selfishly.
You should have heard her.... "How dare you!, it was your day off and you did not tell me?!?!?!"
As if I am always supposed to let her know ... some women are right and some are wrong.
However in most cases until you are fully happy with who you are in life, you will always appear needy to her. True sometimes it will be her fault....but most of the times at least in my case it was mine. I would share waaaaaaaay tooo mcuh ... or I would call waaaaay too much ... or I would act waaaaaay too nervous/anxious .... |
Sorry to hear about your ex. I hear what you're saying as my self confidence is absurdly low. I probably poison daily life just with my cynical attitude. I am needy at the moment and although I have been thinking I am doing all I can to change my negativity I can't have been or else something would have changed by now.
Also very helpful comments. Thankyou |
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Zane
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 13, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 249
Location: Tempe, Arizona
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:41 am Post subject: |
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No problem friend. Glad I could help 
In the long run here are the top three things that helped me get out of my funk.
Step one: Dropped meds and began working out eating healthy cooking reading books on self development and meditation. Also some great books on Indigo Children (in my eyes directly connected to AS)
Step two: Moved out of my parents house. I had to find a good job and save all of my money but it was worth it and now my parents actually help me with some of my bills they are so proud of me.
Step three: Improv Comedy. This taught me to break out of my shell, accept my quirks and intelligence as gifts from god and develop my socil skills.
And when I get back to AZ this week I am going to seek out a chirch because honestly I feel like God is calling out to me as a blessed child of his family and that is why he has given me my new found elightenment; to help others.
_________________
No one grows by sitting at home; so get up, get out, and get a life. |
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Diamond_Head
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 01, 2008
Age: 24
Posts: 63
Location: Kauai, Hawaii *Li`uli`u wale ka nohona i ka la o Hauola*
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:16 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I try to think more in day to day situations and leave her to get on with her social life as I have damaged that irreparably in some cases. If there is a victim in this situation it is definitely her but I have never once meant to upset her or cause her any trauma emotionally. I am constantly opening up old wounds by accident it's a bit like I am cursed with personal interactions at present. |
Hey bro, if she really and truly loves you (especially after 6 years of dating), then you should probably be more important than whatever damage you may or may not have caused to anyone's social life. If you never meant to intentionally cause any harm, then it shouldn't be held against you.
| Quote: | | She compared me to Kathy Griffin's hubby- always quietly in the background at her beck and call; a glorified hatstand. I would be offended if it weren't so true but it's who I am. |
What were you like before you started dating her? Try to recall and maintain the independent identity you had before the time when you started going out. You don't have to give up who you are in order to make someone else happy. |
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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:54 am Post subject: |
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| Diamond_Head wrote: |
What were you like before you started dating her? Try to recall and maintain the independent identity you had before the time when you started going out. You don't have to give up who you are in order to make someone else happy. |
I guess I was pretty much an alcoholic at the time we met so I was a lot more outgoing. I didn't have tons of friends but I had many acquaintances. I guess I got with my current gf a couple of days after another girl broke up with me. It was a messy period and I don't have many solid memories of exactly what happened until i'm reminded! My housemates were two other girls who worked at the club round the corner. They used to come home at 5am with their bags clinking full of bottles of JD and other stuff which we later drank.
Before that I was very introverted just getting on with work and band stuff and not really seeing many people. I guess the real me is a lot more sedate and much less outgoing than drunkard me. Everything just feels quite boring after a taste of the party lifestyle. I just need to accept that I am quite boring for now, get another job, get a house and get in touch with people I have completely cut off.
Cheers dude
Aloha nui loa |
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Diamond_Head
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 01, 2008
Age: 24
Posts: 63
Location: Kauai, Hawaii *Li`uli`u wale ka nohona i ka la o Hauola*
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 11:38 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | Before that I was very introverted just getting on with work and band stuff and not really seeing many people. I guess the real me is a lot more sedate and much less outgoing than drunkard me. Everything just feels quite boring after a taste of the party lifestyle. I just need to accept that I am quite boring for now, get another job, get a house and get in touch with people I have completely cut off.
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You're probably not boring at all man, just your independent indentity has been on the down low for awhile. If you like playing guitar or being in a band or whatever else, now's the time to get in touch with your interests again. If you've been defining yourself by your relationship with your girl, it might be hard to just jump into something totally separate of that identity, but now's a good time to try.
Find out the things you like to do, independent of anyone else. Things that don't require a social environment or a party type of atmosphere.
| Quote: | I guess I was pretty much an alcoholic at the time we met so I was a lot more outgoing. I didn't have tons of friends but I had many acquaintances. I guess I got with my current gf a couple of days after another girl broke up with me. It was a messy period and I don't have many solid memories of exactly what happened until i'm reminded! My housemates were two other girls who worked at the club round the corner. They used to come home at 5am with their bags clinking full of bottles of JD and other stuff which we later drank.
Before that I was very introverted just getting on with work and band stuff and not really seeing many people. I guess the real me is a lot more sedate and much less outgoing than drunkard me. Everything just feels quite boring after a taste of the party lifestyle. I just need to accept that I am quite boring for now, get another job, get a house and get in touch with people I have completely cut off.
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Well man it sounds like you're just going through a rough patch, everyone's been there at some point in a relationship. I know it's hard when things get rocky with someone you've invested so much time and energy with, but it's one of those things that either makes or breaks a relationship. If you both really love each other and think it's worthwile to work things out, no matter what the consequences are, then nothing else matters. If it seems that the spark is gone, then maybe it's time to start over and make a fresh start.
Good luck to you bro. |
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Zane
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 13, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 249
Location: Tempe, Arizona
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:18 pm Post subject: |
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| RustyShackleford wrote: | | Diamond_Head wrote: |
What were you like before you started dating her? Try to recall and maintain the independent identity you had before the time when you started going out. You don't have to give up who you are in order to make someone else happy. |
I guess I was pretty much an alcoholic at the time we met so I was a lot more outgoing. I didn't have tons of friends but I had many acquaintances. I guess I got with my current gf a couple of days after another girl broke up with me. It was a messy period and I don't have many solid memories of exactly what happened until i'm reminded! My housemates were two other girls who worked at the club round the corner. They used to come home at 5am with their bags clinking full of bottles of JD and other stuff which we later drank.
Before that I was very introverted just getting on with work and band stuff and not really seeing many people. I guess the real me is a lot more sedate and much less outgoing than drunkard me. Everything just feels quite boring after a taste of the party lifestyle. I just need to accept that I am quite boring for now, get another job, get a house and get in touch with people I have completely cut off.
Cheers dude
Aloha nui loa |
You know....being boring aint half bad. I am boring sometimes and when I am I just sit and look pretty. If I do not understand or have any insight into a conversation usually I will sit and listen with fascination like a child....
And sometimes I get girls who ask me questions about why I am the way I am...
"Zane, why don't you talk?"
Zane: "I don't have anything to say."
"Well you should talk more"
Zane: "or maybe you should talk less" 
"OMG Zane, you're such an ass!" :translation ... you are so sexy when you stand up for yourself and stay true to who you are.
If you play music then that's a great thing. I also dabble inthe arts. Often at parties I am the guy just tinkering with his guitar. I no longer need to be social. I realized that by being myself, sometimes talkative and sometimes closed off I attracted more women into my life.
Women can not resiste a guy who is true to himself. Maybe because they themselves want that but due to social atmospheres and pressures to "fit in" "be the best" "look pretty" they are forced to put on a mask...
I don't know... just something to think about; food for though 
_________________
No one grows by sitting at home; so get up, get out, and get a life. |
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Belfast
Vast Ambivalence
Joined: Jul 18, 2005
Age: 35
Posts: 1682
Location: New England
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 1:38 am Post subject: |
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Can relate to and I have sympathy for many statements OP makes-despite great differences in the actual details (dissimilar individual personalities & demographic categories).
| RustyShackleford wrote: | | Everything such a mess again. I hate my life at the moment and I hate that I seem to pity myself but i'm not sure what to try. I genuinely don't want any other girl this time. She is the only one thus far who has accepted a certain amount of my quirks and who doesn't annoy the hell out of me. |
That's how I feel/felt about my recent ex & I despair of ever finding another with whom I share mutual acceptance & appreciation, given how odd I am.
| RustyShackleford wrote: | | Is it wrong to devote yourself entirely to someone? Admittedly when I get in a relationship I bask in it's warmth and tend to let my other interests and friends suffer but I can't seem to balance the two. I am a very all or nothing kind of guy. |
Sounds like how I am, too. Either paying too much attention (to other person), or not enough. And if I'm in a primary/intimate relationship, can't seem to force self to invest very much in other people who are "just friends". Know better than to put "all my apples in one basket", yet can never manage to follow through on (feel sufficiently motivated or interested) that advice.
| RustyShackleford wrote: | | It's unfortunate that in many ways she is my perfect match when I am, in many ways completely wrong for her if she wants to get to where she wants to be in life. I have a horrible feeling it's going to boil down to the old 'If you love someone set them free' scenario. |
That's what I was told, that my ex needed to do other things in life & was unhappy continuing to be my boyfriend. It does me no good to keep him that way, and I didn't have choice-he'd made his decision.
| RustyShackleford wrote: | | I hear what you're saying as my self confidence is absurdly low. I probably poison daily life just with my cynical attitude. I am needy at the moment and although I have been thinking I am doing all I can to change my negativity I can't have been or else something would have changed by now. |
Feel needy (and hate to admit it, don't want to be criticized for this-already feel bad enough about the emotional state I'm in). With little offline "life" or "friends", find self turning to the forums for support to get me through one more minute, hour, or day.
| RustyShackleford wrote: | | I am certainly guilty of taking her for granted. She is patient, fair and honest and has become like my interpreter in many situations. |
Boyfriend had been my translator (both towards me, from others-and towards others, from me) in that socially skilled, interpersonal way. My 4-yr. relationship ended abruptly last week-and I'm in shock, full of anger & sadness-all at once. There are myriad capacities he provided for me & I miss these acutely.
Have all sorts of mixed feelings & reactions, but mostly miserable & scared (again, it's embarrassing to say but it's the truth). Have no talent for cheering up or encouraging others who are in crisis, all I can do is share my current unfolding experience-as way to provide sense of "others are also suffering this sort of rift".
Dunno' what good it does to burble on about my own problems, but it's one of my skills (articulating my self-absorption). I get resentful of other people just because no one else can help me out with my disastrous circumstance & I can't hurry up and feel better. So I just keep typing, in hopes (haven't much hope, but anyway) that one of these weeks, months, years, things might improve for me.
Am very much stuck in the present pain & can't forecast anything getting less horrible for me at this point. On some level (not for real, but the idea is magnetically appealing to my mind), kinda' wish I could be put into coma for however long it'll take for me to feel less hurt & grief-stricken. Like a drug-withdrawal treatment, except that I'm "addicted" to the rewarding & reinforcing feeling I get (from my partner at the time). Know that being dependent gets no respect in our society, or from many people-but my view is that one doesn't choose to be this way, some folks actually do have an easier time managing to be independent & self-sufficient (whether in mind, body, or both)-and some of us don't.
Feel bad for those enduring difficulty in significant/important relationship, wish you luck.
_________________
*"You cannot administer a wicked law impartially-it destroys everyone it touches, its violators as well as its upholders."* |
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nekowafer
Deinonychus
Joined: Jun 20, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 351
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 7:07 pm Post subject: |
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I get attached quickly myself.. and honestly I need a guy that does the same. My boyfriend took longer to come around but we're doing okay for now. I think you can find a girl that will like the way you are, it might just take more time. Some advice for you, though, is that maybe you want to hold things back a little. Don't hide anything, no lies, nothing like that, but hold back some of the serious attachment.. it will make you seem needy(I always seem needy  ) and could push some people away or make them think you can't do things on your own. Try to hold off on the "obsession" with the person, spend just a little less time with them and so on. If they fall for you at the same time as you fall for them, they'll appreciate your attachment so much more. |
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