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annotated_alice
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 26, 2008
Posts: 382
Location: Canada
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 Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 11:22 am Post subject: Self harm |
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This morning my sons got into an argument, and E really lost his temper. We tried talking to him a little, but he was too upset to take it in and was asked to go to his room for some quiet time. He was in his room for a very long time, and after awhile I went in to check on him. He was still very, very angry (shouting, crying) and told me that he had been trying to hurt himself (with various toys) and didn't want to live anymore. He hadn't done himself any serious harm, but did have a few red marks on his ankle and redness on his arms where he had scratched himself. Needless to say, I am very, very, very concerned about this.
I used to have my own issues with self harm (cutting), but that was when I was a teenager and had serious problems. My son is only 8 yrs. old. The idea that he was feeling that level of anger and despair over a simple argument is terrifying.
When he was calm, we had a big talk about safe ways to express his hurt and anger and we talked about how precious he is, keeping his body safe etc. I also told him that if he ever does anything like this again we will have to a.) take the toys out of his room and store them elsewhere b.) take his door off, so that we can see what he is up to in there at all times. But I'm not sure what else should be said and/or done?
And now I will be nervous about him going to his room when he is angry/sad, but he really needs quiet, private cool down time when he is upset, so I don't know what to do. Does anyone else have experience in dealing with this? |
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DukeGallison
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Feb 24, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 181
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Rainbow-Squirrel
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 27, 2006
Age: 29
Posts: 2312
Location: Siena, Italy
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 11:44 am Post subject: |
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I have one episode of self-harm  when my (only but beautiful) girlfriend told me she wanted to leave me. I was slightly drunk, I completely lost my mind, I saw a pair of scissors on the table, took them and cut me on my left arm 5 times. This was 5 years ago. Two of the scars have practically disappeared, the other three are still there and will remain unless I go for plastic surgery...(I won't)..this is definitely one of the worst episodes of my life...  BTW, after all the mess was gone she decided not to leave me...only to leave me 10 months later...  |
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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 29
Posts: 486
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:06 pm Post subject: |
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Outlets for anger and stored up emotions are essential. It's difficult to know what works for different individuals, personally I find musical instruments which can take some abuse like cheap electric guitars are good for working through anger. One of my friends uses physical pursuits like punching bags, another distracts himself with programming and gaming. I have been a self-harmer many times, I cannot remember when I first discovered it but I was quite young. From my experience it is quite common in guys.
I usually come round and feel very silly afterwards. Those who argue it is just a cry for help must know that this is not always the case. Most times I was not even thinking in terms of other people noticing etc. The attention gained from self harming is usually more negative than positive. Even though my scars have healed I know my demons are just lying low for now. When I realised that the marks were causing people to give me funny looks I would begin finding ways to beat myself up in other less obvious ways.
I don't think trying to control this sort of thing by removing doors and toys will necessarily help. Every time this sort of thing happened to me I would just find new and more secretive ways of doing it. I suppose it is a bit like a drug habit in a way, something else I have also used as a distraction in the past.
Luckily something inside my brain has always kept tabs on the amount of damage I have done. I could have given myself blood poisoning or quite severe internal bleeding a number of times but I seemed to use measured amounts of pain to detract from the anger which was making me feel like my head would explode.
If there are some underlying feelings he is keeping locked up the slightest little aggravation could tip the balance. I certainly recommend experimenting with distracting and converting emotions through different interests. He may not be forthcoming or even fully able to begin to explain these knots of emotion. |
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Age1600
Bonita-Azul
Joined: Apr 23, 2007
Posts: 2420
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:28 pm Post subject: |
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Omgosh i was the worst self harmer growing up, involved glass bottles, knives, forks, meat cleaver, hammer, nails, basically a lot haha, was a bad headbanger, headbanged off of everything, and beat the crap out of myself, bit myself until i went through two layers of skin, scratched layer and layers of skin off and then would bite myself more, horrible horrible. Anyways my parents took the locks off all the doors in the house except front and back door, which i think was good, my father did want to take my door off, holy crap i can only imagine how psycho i would have went if that happened, but he knew it would just make things far worse. I did a lot of my self harming for sensory, anger, frustration, and communication. My family proceded to wrap me up really tight for the sensory part, bought me a punching bag for the anger and frustration part, and put me in karate. Let me say the best thing they could ever do was buy me a punching bag, ok i've been through many punches bags in my life, i cant even count anymore, but that was the most help they could ever do. When I save enough money i'm going to buy a big punching rubber bag that is in shape of a human, but for the most part is rubber so i can rub it due to sensory, and bite it, and scratch it, and attack it. My best advice to you is maybe signing up for karate or another sport like that, and getting him a punching bag so he has something to take his frustration out on!
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equinn
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 20, 2007
Posts: 755
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:29 pm Post subject: |
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Don't ask why. Just tell him to stop and express your concerns over him hurting himself. My son has done this since entering public school. Before then, he never did it. It is frustration, inability to deal and I'm not sure what other reasons.
Sometimes, I'll catch him dropping something (like a wooden box) onto his head while lying on his back! I think this is sensory. He used to punch himself in the head. It is a desperate attempt to relieve tension, I guess. It is anger turned against the self. I don't know. It is awful for a mother to observe this. I felt better when I realized that my son is on the spectrum and that this was one of the symptoms. He also allows others to pound into him (his younger cousin).
I wish I had better advice. I think ensuring that negative arguments are kept to a minimum and keeping low key might help some. If he is doing this, he is overloaded and not knowing how to express himself.
best,
equinn |
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ster
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 24, 2005
Posts: 2727
Location: new england
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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| son does this occasionally- used to do it more starting around age 13.....have addressed this with therapist. she's worked on anger management & stress management skills with him. definitely seems to be a correlation between stress, anger & self-harm. ( for son at least)........depending upon the severity of the harm, i would seek professional help |
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annotated_alice
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 26, 2008
Posts: 382
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 1:09 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks everyone for your advice. It helps so much to know that others have experienced this, like I said I did self harm too, but not until the age of 16 or so, and I'd never really heard of it in young children, especially not when the child has a very good life and lots of positive support. He is so easily frustrated. I have to be careful not to underestimate how enormous his feelings are, even when the problems that he is reacting to seem small to me...to him it is obviously incredibly intense (and I'm not even talking about meltdowns here, he was just at the very angry stage yesterday, not at the losing control point).
| Age1600 wrote: | | Omgosh i was the worst self harmer growing up, involved glass bottles, knives, forks, meat cleaver, hammer, nails, basically a lot haha, was a bad headbanger, headbanged off of everything, and beat the crap out of myself, bit myself until i went through two layers of skin, scratched layer and layers of skin off and then would bite myself more, horrible horrible. Anyways my parents took the locks off all the doors in the house except front and back door, which i think was good, my father did want to take my door off, holy crap i can only imagine how psycho i would have went if that happened, but he knew it would just make things far worse. I did a lot of my self harming for sensory, anger, frustration, and communication. My family proceded to wrap me up really tight for the sensory part, bought me a punching bag for the anger and frustration part, and put me in karate. Let me say the best thing they could ever do was buy me a punching bag, ok i've been through many punches bags in my life, i cant even count anymore, but that was the most help they could ever do. When I save enough money i'm going to buy a big punching rubber bag that is in shape of a human, but for the most part is rubber so i can rub it due to sensory, and bite it, and scratch it, and attack it. My best advice to you is maybe signing up for karate or another sport like that, and getting him a punching bag so he has something to take his frustration out on! |
Such good advice! We tried karate, and he hated it, but I will find ways for him to get more physical activity. And the punching bag idea from you and RustyShackleford is genius. I will buy him one ASAP. In the meantime we have discussed punching pillows, ripping up paper...whatever other things he could do to release his anger safely. I also agree that taking his door off is not the best solution. He needs that sanctuary.
And Ster, if it becomes habitual or escalates we are definitely getting professional help. I don't want to mess around with this. I was so self destructive as a teenager, I'm lucky to be here. I do not want him to follow the same path as I did. |
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ster
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 24, 2005
Posts: 2727
Location: new england
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 8:20 am Post subject: |
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| popping bubble wrap is also a great outlet |
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