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GenesisFan75
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 4:29 am    Post subject: i can't make my husband happy Reply with quote

preface : it's really hard to articulate right now, so forgive the choppy lines

also, thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this and help. i hate drama, but i'm getting to where i am truly at a loss as to what to do.

my husband is going to this med-school type thing in the military.
very tough and stressful for him, although he is the highest in his class.

lately he has been very sarcastic (real subtle about it), he smiles but he is actually really angry, and it is very disconcerting.

he says he is angry that he has to be away so much. but when he is here he's grumpy and very irritable and snappish.

he leaves 5 am in the morning, doesn't get back until 8-10pm in the evening. says he can't study here at home because we are too distracting (me and our two children)

i have been trying to be a good cheerleader. i am an aspie, so i'm doing the best i know how. most days, i try to cook nice meals, i put on my june cleaver persona when he comes home, y'know? (short of the pearls and heels). back rubs, asking about his day, how was your day, dear, i'm so proud of you, thank you for working so hard for us, we appreciate you, of course we miss you when you're gone, but we understand you are trying to take care of us, you are so handsome, smart, strong, dedicated...

i mean these things i say, he has come very far from a horrendous childhood, and i really am proud of him.

<sigh> then the stupid mother in law had to come impose herself upon us last month. god, that was hell on earth. secretly, i hate that woman, she's part of the reason my husband had to endure a very sick, wretched childhood. so my husband has this weird dichotomy about her. he admits she's nutters and that he still loves her, but guess who gets anger he has towards her? me. when he is angry with her, he nitpicks on me. he gets sarcastic, and judgemental about everything i do or don't do. (me being an aspie, that's pretty good fuel for that fire). i had no idea that's why he would be angry with me early in our marriage, until he came out and told me.

so last month, while she was here he stayed away even more than before, leaving me with this infiltrating, interrogating, needling woman when he KNOWS i can't deal with her. so of course she gets upset and then he gets frustrated with me for not being able to put up with his mother. wtf? on top of this, he is even more irritable and hardly talks to me. this is alot on me.

...now i guess some women can pretend to like sex, but i can't. if i am treated like crap, then guess what, i'm not going to be feeling very romantic, any time soon. right??

well, a few weeks ago, we're going to bed and he was talking about hard school was. okay, so i know he was seeking encouragement, so i told him that i was sorry it was so tough, that i was proud of him for sticking with it and even excelling at it, and that things would get better (im such a stupid optimist). 'hmph' he says and turns over to go to sleep. then he turns back over and says

you know i wanted to talk to you about something...oh and i meant to tell you you keep the house clean and all, but i haven't gotten any this whole month, and i'm feeling neglected.

i kid you not, that's what he said.

i dropped the book i'd been reading, and tried to pick my jaw up off the floor.

when i get upset, the part of my brain that processes words turns into half-set jello. it literally takes me days sometimes before i can actually articulate how i'm feeling.

i had been putting up with his mother, putting up with his jerkish attitude, dealing with the children, and trying to hold onto a straw of sanity and be a good mother, wife, etc. AND i was supposed to still have the energy and the desire to worship his stupid dick??? and do so gladly??? Mad

of course, stupid me, i couldn't think of any of this at the time. i mean i felt it, but i could not put words to it. my husband knows that i am horrible at articulating things. i stood up and tried to stammer out about how i was sorry that he wasn't satisfied, but that i had been going through stuff, too. and then he gets mad and says 'that's why i didn't want to bring it up, now you're mad?'

but yet he did mention it. ???

i went downstairs and cried for hours. even my internal dialogue was silent. i was just sad.

eventually, and none too soon, the harpy went back to her nesting ground, and i was hoping that things would be better. i don't go to church, waay too many people involved with that, but i did try to search for some marriage advice at some websites (and still trying i guess). all the sites said as a christian wife, i was supposed to submit and not hold back from my husband. well, i thought, maybe if i put out more, he would be happy. but even doing that doesn't help. i've tried doing a mini makeover, got my hair cut, started wearing makeup, just like i'm 'supposed' to...

but, he is still grumpy and irritable. and i'm getting tired of it. every single day this week he has stayed late, there is always a test to study for, he says. he came home before the boys went to bed today, but as soon as he walks in, he goes on about all the stuff he has to do tomorrow (saturday) and then asks if he can go upstairs and take a nap for a few hours. of course, i let him.

he did say that i looked pretty today, but he just seems so agitated under the surface, if that makes any sense. i can't read him so well anymore, and when i can't read someone, i just don't say anything. so later this evening, he comes out and asks me why i'm mad at him and what did he do. 'i'm not mad' i said, 'but you look mad' he said (i hate my stupid face, because i really wasn't mad. i had actually been looking forward to today being friday and all.) 'are you okay?' 'i'm just mad because i have to be a jerk and stay away from home all of the time'

it was late, i was tired, i had a moment of unsaintliness. i mean, i have already told him 200 billion times that i understand he has to be away so much, and to be honest, i just didn't have the energy to do my june cleaver thing. so i didn't say anything. or rather i hesistated, i don't know. two seconds after he said that, he goes, 'see, i'm right, i'm just a jerk' and left. went up to be and didn't even say good night.

how is it that i make him mad? i damn myself if i talk, if i say what i think, and i damn myself if i don't say anything. sheesh.

i feel like i'm about at the end of my rope with him. there are many other factors, and there isn't enough computer memory to go on about the past 10 years, but lately i have been wondering why i allow myself to be a doormat. some days, the thought of leaving him feels pretty exhilirating. the atmosphere in our home is so much more lighter when he's away. he apologizes sometimes for being a black rain cloud, but it is getting wearisome trying to be all pollyanna about it.

the only reason i've stayed this long was because of our two boys. my husband can be rather harsh and commanding, but thank god he had not ever hurt the kids physically. he does yell sometimes, and my oldest, who like me is very sensitive to loud noises, takes it hard. but they both have adhd and on good days, really help each other out, because i cannot relate to that.

we can't leave because we have nowhere to go. i can't stay with my parents, they have enough drama going on of their own. plus, their house is very small, and the boys have to stay in the small upstairs room when we go to visit.

before i was married, i got along okay on my own, had a job and little apartment. but, that was so long ago, and living with this man, has aggravated my mind to the point where i don't know if i could get another job at all, much less one that would take care of my boys. plus, i have been wanting to homeschool my oldest, and if i worked, they both would be in daycare.

i tried daycare once, when my oldest was younger. that's a whole other book, but let's just say it scarred us both sufficiently enough to make me not ever want to repeat it again, no matter what.

i don't count on getting child support, because if i left, my husband would probably do something stupid and get his ass kicked out of the military.

so, even though i want to, i can't leave. i can't make my life easier at my boys' expense. so i'm stuck here. and i guess i'm just frustrated that i can't figure this person out anymore. it's like he's so mad at me, and i don't know why.

i should probably go to a professional and talk about it, but i am petrified of shrinks. i've been to a few, and they are all the same...they just peer at you and ask too many questions. and they don't really care about you, no matter how phony friendly they act. i see through their shams every single time.

if i ever do leave, i swear i will never marry again, or even try to date! emily dickenson had the right idea...

<sigh> thanks for reading this, if you've gotten this far. if i was in a room full of people, everyone would've left by now! i feel bad for being so negative, so for the sake of happiness, i will say

the weather here is beautiful

i like my new haircut

had a nice long walk this morning

my two year old is learning his abc's and colors very well

had fun laughing with my oldest today, pretending to 'dance' to this peppy dance song he likes (the things i'll do for a laugh Rolling Eyes)

my mother in law is very difficult to be with, but she was extremely helpful around the house while she was here. i usually do everything myself, so it was like magic to find the dishwasher already emptied when i got up in the morning.

coffee later guys, thanks for listening!
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catspurr
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 4:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

He's taking you for granted. Also, I'm not so sure spending 15 hours a day away from home is just all business.

Try not to be so all about his needs. Sometimes when guys start that whole "you don't put out enough" out of nowhere, it may mean he's seeing someone else and using that as an excuse but yet he doesn't even try to get you horny or does anything romantic.

Stop catering to him. He doesn't appreciate it apparently. Know how many people in this world would love to have a person like you around???

If he gets angry when he comes home and the house isn't spotless tell him tough sh** or give him a sponge and tell him to do it.

Also on the weekends, if you don't get time to do things you want to do, you're going to have to address this with him or just assertively tell him you are going out alone or take the kids with you if he evades fatherly duties and can't be trusted to spend time with his kids.

I don't even want to hear excuses or see them rather in favor of his needs only because you are NOT a door mat.

This is a checkmate. He knows you are scared of leaving. He doesn't feel any desire to maintain the relationship.
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Starr
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 5:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've decided to scrap my post as I'm not happy with what I wrote and I may have misunderstood your situation. Sorry, I'm tired and got my wires a little crossed.

Last edited by Starr on Sat Jul 12, 2008 4:47 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Rynok
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 5:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with catspurr. It doesn't sound like your husband is even trying. You can't roll over in bed and be like "So yeah, I'd like to have sex with you, is that ok?". It isn't like going to a restaurant and telling them you want chicken fried steak and expect it in 5 minutes. If I had a wife and she treated me like that, I wouldn't want to sleep with her either. It is an intimate thing to show your deep affection towards them, not something you do because they haven't "had any". Also, I would not advise the Christian articles about sex. Women shouldn't submit anymore to their men then the men should submit to their women. The strict Christian people will say that you should, but it is well within your basic human rights to say "No" or "I don't feel like it right now". Marriage != Free Sex whenever you want.

Ok, so off of the sex thing now. From what I can tell, your husband isn't being logical about any of this at all, and it is going to be hard to reason with him in that regard. If he is going to stay mad, stay busy, not allow you to express yourself, and jump to conclusions...there isn't much you can do (even with all the shrinks and new hairdos and fancy perfume and clean houses in the world). Btw, I'm sorry to hear about all that. Sounds like quite a mess and I don't see a good way to get through it w/o some help on his end directly (assuming he is willing to put forth some effort, of which he's shown none from your description).

As for leaving him, if he knows you can't leave, then he has no reason to "earn" your attention and love. If he doesn't, you'll still be there because you have no options and he knows it. Him having power like that puts him in a powerful position, and it would seem like he might possibly be abusing it. For instance, if he knew he had that power he could go and have an affair worry free, knowing that you wouldn't be able to do anything about it except maybe "not sleep with him" which he already had covered with his mistress. I don't know how, but I'd say the first step is to try and gain a solid ground for you to stand on. If he controls everything and your totally stuck w/ him, then there is no incentive on his part to change anything.

Don't let anyone use you as a floor matt. It sucks, its not fun, and you deserve better than that.
You might try writing down your thoughts or feelings in a letter format, that helps me a lot. I can say everything I feel like needs to be said w/o them interrupting me or having me lose my train of thought or leaving something out on accident. Also, they have to read the whole thing. If they don't, then that's just the same thing as saying, "I don't care what you have to say to me" which isn't going to reflect well upon them at all and gives them no ground to stand on to argue with you about whatever it was you wrote the letter about.

PS- About the kids, I'd rather see my Mom happy and single than trapped and stressed out because she is busy worrying about me. I don't know how old they are, so they might not be old enough to understand divorce, but I'd say do what you have to do, and if you need to, you can explain the situation to them when they are older and will be able to understand. Don't force yourself to live a life of misery just so your children can grow up in an "unbroken" house. They will know your not happy, and it will effect them just as much as if you were divorced. My parents divorced when I was 4, and I barely remember them being together at all, but being grown now I'm glad she didn't stay in a bad situation (whatever that situation was, it was obviously bad enough for her to want to leave).
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GenesisFan75
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you for the replies! it's morning here, so i've got to finish my coffee, and go wake up the laundry machine...

there is alot i need to process in my mind, so i'll write later on this afternoon/eveningish when i have time. plus i want to read through them again.

but before my coffee gets too cold...

a. could he really be having an affair? could i really be that naive and trusting? the thought of confronting him about it makes me physically ill.
he says he can't study when he's at home
he talks about how how other guys cheat on their wives, and how alot of wives cheat on their husbands during deployments.
he says i'm lucky because none of the girls at work pay any attention to him.
and of course, the long hours.

BUT get this...awhile back, he was talking about going to some SAA meetings (sex addicts anonymous...i know this soap opera just gets better every day...) and he was telling me how hard it was to always be obsessed with sex, that all guys are. and then he said that there was even some of his classmates that he fantasized about. at that point, i was like, you can't be telling me this stuff, you have to go to a meeting where you can share these things, because i don't need to know about this...

b. how in the world would i ever ask him? that's a hard enough question for a ...NT, are the normal ones called? lol.
if i try to ask him, that will be a big explosion, because i would just ask point blank if he was cheating on me. then, he would get very angry with me for not believing him when he says its all about school. 'i told you i have to study and there's a big test coming up..' in the past, he has said things, like you know i'm not cheating on you, look how good my grades are...so then, i am a bad wife for being suspicious, distrustful, and ungrateful and he is even more upset with me.

b.1 how would i know he was telling the truth either way?

c. if i ask him what's wrong, he just says things like 'i feel like a failure, jerk, bad father, etc.' and then i have to remind him that he's really come a long way.

d. my boys are 2 and 9. the baby is just the happiest little cherub you ever met, and my oldest, though pensive at times, and very socially inept like me, has a fabulous wit, and a laugh that would make stone smile. they are my world. they do pick up the stressful bits, yet, i am very afraid to rock the boat, as it were. my husband does have good moments with them, and as boys they need that so bad, and i can't do that for them.

...and my coffee has gotten cold, bleah! i really appreciate the replies and advice. i'm so scared i'm going to come across as a drama queen or some other awful attention whore-forum type...but it is so good to know that i am not alone.

catspurr, i love your avatar. i had two cats at our last duty station, but one left when the baby was born, and we couldn't take the other back (we were overseas). housing here doesn't allow pets, but one day i want to get another cat(s) there is nothing better than a cat when it comes to keeping your feet your warm at night, lol!
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Rynok
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 3:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To put it in perspective...why would you ever feel the need to say, "Be glad I don't cheat on you" or "Your lucky nobody else finds me attractive" or "You know I'm not cheating because I make good grades". Why even mention it at all? Also telling you that he fantasizes about the women in his class...that is a bit weird. I would expect you to be his one and only if he is going to be true. Unfortunately fantasies are a whole other topic, and he might never dream of a fantasy coming real and knows to keep it there...only in his mind. I would say though that fantasizing about other women IS a form of cheating, albeit less invasive in a relationship than having an affair.

Also, he is wrong about "all guys think about sex all the time". Maybe HE thinks about sex all the time, which is his own deal. To me, it seems like a fairly unhealthy thing to think about constantly. It makes you want it more & more and not just when the time is right to share your affection. Women aren't (and shouldn't be) simply sex objects so why should you focus on just that aspect of them...all the time? Yeah, sounds unhealthy.

I would not approach him directly on the subject, but just keep an eye out for clues that might mean one thing or the other. With his emotional state the way you describe it, no matter what you say or hint at, he is going to get mad and go on the whole, "I can't believe you don't trust me." and "Trust is the most important thing in a relationship" and blah blah blah. If he is cheating, that will make you think he isn't. If he isn't, he will truly mean the words and be astounded that you think he really might be.

To give another perspective, here is how I would handle being asked that question.
If I had a wife and she asked me that question (and I wasn't cheating), my first reaction would be shock and I'd wonder what in the world gave her that idea. Did I not show her enough affection so she thinks I strayed? Have I been so distracted lately I forgot? I'd get very serious, very quickly, and we would have a talk about A) Why she thought that I was cheating and B) What can I do avoid this in the future (as in, what did I do wrong). It might be as simple as the relationship is going through some rough turbulence, or as complicated as a whole list of grievances she never mentioned before. Either way, I would be VERY sorry she had thought that, and would work hard to regain her trust no matter what.
If she asked the same question (and I was cheating), then I've got only a few options. First is to try and act like that situation is just SO crazy that it would never happen, and that in fact she is the crazy one for even thinking about it. Bring up lots of examples and get very emotional (because girls are emotional beings and you can't think as well when emotions are in control)...guilt works well. Second would be to say "Yes" but not appologize. Tell her it is her fault that I cheated on her. "She didn't have sex as often as I wanted it so I went else ware" is a very common excuse. Might also talk about how "I felt the love in our relationship died and I needed affection" or any other plethora of "reasons". The last option would be to tell the truth, give truthful reasons, and then plead for mercy and hope they don't leave because I was an idiot.

You know, you really can't just keep using the same excuse over and over. "I feel like a failure" works once. "Alright, I'm sorry you feel that way, where are you failing? Lets work to improve that aspect of your life". If you don't work to improve it, then you can't use the excuse cause your a lazy bum. If you do work, you can't use it again because hopefully that fixed the problem (although likely more than one problem...but at least its improvement). It could also be a cop out, as he might not want to talk about what is truly bothering him yet, so instead he goes to the backup plan of "Oh, pity me".

Worst case scenario, your boys will still get to see their dad, so it isn't like "Your ripping out the all important father figure from their lives". Seriously, a broken home isn't as bad as the media portrays it. It is all in how the parents act towards each other. If they are at each others throats, the kids are going to be worse for it (if they divorce or not). If on the other hand, they divorce but are civil towards each other, then it shouldn't really be that big a problem for them. They see you, they see their dad, they just don't see you both at the same time for long periods of time.
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YowlingCat
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 4:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Leaving him wouldn't be causing a broken home. It already is, and your boys know it, even if they aren't old enough to articulate it. They're learning how to treat a woman...like a jerk. Screw the submissive wife crap. You do need to see a therapist of some kind...probably not a shrink, but a psychologist. It does take time to build a relationship with a good one, so don't go in trying the see their "scam" automatically. Keep looking until you find someone you feel comfortable talking to. That may take a bit of effort. Your husband is abusive. You can take care of yourself and your boys. I think your husband is cheating on you, and is looking to break up the marriage and make you feel responsible.
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Jainaday
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 5:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It sounds like this is a communication problem.

It sounds like both of you know there is something wrong in the relationship.


I would recommend that you both write about it to one another and exhaust a variety of other options before giving up.
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alex
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 5:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

YowlingCat wrote:
Leaving him wouldn't be causing a broken home. It already is, and your boys know it, even if they aren't old enough to articulate it. They're learning how to treat a woman...like a jerk. Screw the submissive wife crap. You do need to see a therapist of some kind...probably not a shrink, but a psychologist. It does take time to build a relationship with a good one, so don't go in trying the see their "scam" automatically. Keep looking until you find someone you feel comfortable talking to. That may take a bit of effort. Your husband is abusive. You can take care of yourself and your boys. I think your husband is cheating on you, and is looking to break up the marriage and make you feel responsible.


I agree. You need to see a psychologist. A pyschiatrist is mainly concerned with prescribing medications so I can see why you had so much trouble talking to one.

However, I am more sympathetic about you not being able to leave him. But you could kick him out of the house or something for a while by changing the locks when he's gone and telling him he can come back when he's ready to see you as an equal in the relationship. Of course if he's not the type to respond to that kind of move, don't do something that would cause even more problems.

The talk about cheating and stuff:
You can take that one of two ways. both are statistically equal (50%-70% of married men cheat on their spouses. ) so it's a 50-50 chance.

First possibility:
he's having an affair and is trying to rationalize it and give you hints about it because he can't straight out admit it but wants you to know. Based on your post, your husband did say that none of the girls at work looked at him. He didn't say that no girls looked at him period. In fact, he didn't say you were lucky that he wasn't cheating. he said you were lucky none of the girls at work looked at him.

2nd possibility: he's fantasizing about cheating on you. In my opinion, fantasizing can be treated similarly to cheating because it demonstrates his mental willingness to cheat if given the chance. On the other hand, it could also be seen as a natural fantasy that any married man could have.

But from what I've heard, most guys who go to sexaholic meetings go because it's easy to find a sexually willing female (i know, that's a horrible reason to go but it does seem logical that it would be easier to find a girl who wants sex at a meeting of people addicted to sex).

Either way, he still probably loves you and that's why he feels guilty. I wouldn't break up with him if you find out he's cheating because people aren't perfect and do make mistakes. It would be way more understandable to leave him for some other reason like his attitude towards you and the kids. But he wouldn't be breaking his back at med school if he didn't love you all a ton.
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alex
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 5:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In response to the title of this thread: It's not your responsibility to make anyone feel anything they aren't feeling. Even your significant other. Some things are out of our control and that's one of them.
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YowlingCat
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 8:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

^Totally correct. You are only responsible for your own feelings.
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Beenthere
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 9:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked He sounds so much like my ex.

Mine cheated, I knew he cheated, took awhile for me to catch on though...he would tell me I "drove him to it". He almost had me believing it for awhile.

He could be so sweet one minute, then sit there grinning from ear to ear while he said crap that he knew would cut through me like a knife. I'd spend half the night crying my eyes out after he would put away a few beers on an evening off and basically tell me I was a piece of crap and then sometimes glare at me like I disgusted him... then he'd get up in the morning and act like nothing had ever happened the night before.

Google "borderline personality disorder"....my ex also had a not-so-terrific childhood.

Quote:
if i ever do leave, i swear i will never marry again, or even try to date! emily dickenson had the right idea...


Yeah Wink ...it's been over 2 years now, I don't date...I'm scared to...I could never do that again.
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BazzaMcKenzie
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 5:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rynok wrote:
I agree with catspurr.

I don't. Your not just jumping to conclusions, you are LEAPING.

Alex wrote:
... 2nd possibility: he's fantasizing about cheating on you. In my opinion, fantasizing can be treated similarly to cheating because it demonstrates his mental willingness to cheat if given the chance ...

again I disagree. I have fantasized for 40 years but never done anything about it.
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Rynok
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

alex wrote:

...On the other hand, it could also be seen as a natural fantasy that any married man could have.

That is why he added that as the very next sentence (about fantasizing).

BazzaMcKenzie wrote:

Your not just jumping to conclusions, you are LEAPING.

It is typically best to consider the worst alternatives and to go from there. You'll be prepared for what it probably is, as well as what it "could" be might not necessarily be. Be prepared and all that.

Your right, maybe he is just over stressed and had a horrible Mom and is now just taking it out on his family (arisen due to high stress levels). Even still, that isn't fair to them.
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BazzaMcKenzie
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

^ just trying to make her feel better? Rolling Eyes
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