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Loborojo
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 20, 2008
Age: 50
Posts: 1176
Location: wherever I lay my head (now in the UK)
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 Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 7:09 pm Post subject: living with a partner who is ovr emotional (in my view) |
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I am gay and live wiht the person, a woman, who is 15 years my senior. We have traveled together since 2006. She is a retired teacher and a very insecure person, but she is the one who diagnosed me as she worked with children with specilaneeds for years and so with asperger and autists. So, it was a stroke of luck that she came into my life.
The thing is she is so emotional, would evn cry with a cartoon or fluffies and other sh**. I cannot handle it sometimes. She is so scared of being alone, she smothers me with love and wnats to organizse or structurize my life...help me she says.
We had so many clashes, as a matter of fact we have one now. Because she told me I was selfish ( I told her I could lvoe someone and not neccessarily want love back (unconditional love) and she said that that meant I was selfish. I told her that was not true but that I was selfcentered, true. ANd that was to resume to being Asperger.
She said, i was waiting for you to use that as an excuse, ver since you are on WP, you would never have used that as an excuse 2 weeks ago.
So, she goes downstaris and makes herself tea, I came down from the rooftop later and noticed she had cried. Anyway she wanted to watch a movie and said that which such vigor to make me feel guilty about her being hurt or alone and not loved.
It didn't take long before she shouted 'f**k off' (she thought I would go in the bedroom surfing on W#P which I have done for the pas 5 days 6 hrs a day and she woudl be alone).
That stung me hard, so I shouted at her not use filthy language. later she came to apologize and ask me to join her watching a movie together. I declined.
This constant pressure of being social with her, doing things together, it gets at me and yet I don't want ot hurt her. I am in such a depression since 4 days, I donīt want anything or being nera me and yet she asks me all these questions.:How do yo feel, what will you do this afternoon, etc. I just would like to scream:Shut up, but daren't. I don't know what to do. The first time in my life I am afraid to break routine and start traveling again like I always doen. Can't bear sitting on buses with noisy vdos, etc.
Got I need to blurt it out...what do you suggest? I don't know where to move to anymore. I have always lived abroad in guest hosues hotels, but I ma depressed now and want to be left alone and se noone
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Aurore
Dingo Lycanthrope
Joined: Dec 07, 2007
Age: 18
Posts: 1374
Location: North Carolina
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| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: |
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If you want to save your relationship thing tell her you care about her and appreciate her but explain in terms of your disorder why it is important for her to give you some space for the time being, i.e., minimal social interaction. Or take constant walks, which is what I do when I'm overwhelmed by the people I live with. I hope that's kind of helpful.
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Loborojo
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 20, 2008
Age: 50
Posts: 1176
Location: wherever I lay my head (now in the UK)
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| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Aurore wrote: | | If you want to save your relationship thing tell her you care about her and appreciate her but explain in terms of your disorder why it is important for her to give you some space for the time being, i.e., minimal social interaction. Or take constant walks, which is what I do when I'm overwhelmed by the people I live with. I hope that's kind of helpful. |
thanks, but for walks I am quite limited, foreignrs are likely to be noticed and unprotected outside of the city center where I live. SO the only walks I could take is in the city where ther is a lot of noise and pollution and too many people.
I have already told her to reduce soacial talks with me, but then she feels excluded or unwanted and wants to pack her bags immediatlely
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Electric_Kite
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 21, 2008
Age: 35
Posts: 538
Location: crashing to the ground
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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Solitary people are often victimized by those who are essentially very sociable, but are also fearful of it. Such a person will want social interaction all the time, and inflict it upon her solitary victim because she's used to him and his responses are predictable and safe, sparing her the emotional risks of building and maintaining other friendships. In my experience, this will only grow more and more horrible as time goes on, and she narrows her social existance to focus on you alone and grows ever more needy at the same time.
Tell her to find some more friends to talk to. And then have a whole bunch of miserable, stressful fights as you say, "No, I need some quiet-time now," and shut the door in her face, repeatedly, until she learns when it is okay to spew a whole bunch of social-behavior at you and that when you say it's not okay, it's really not okay. Guilt-trips regarding her idea that your needs make her feel abandoned and unloved are par the course. So are threats to leave. Possibly followed by weird manipulative speeches that will make you feel utterly insane.
I'd just run. But I'm really really bored by this phenomenon now and have zero patience for it. |
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Warsie
OG Balla Representin' Da Souf Sydeeee of Chi-City
Joined: Apr 04, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 2540
Location: Chicago, IL, USA
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:10 am Post subject: |
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| Electric_Kite wrote: |
Tell her to find some more friends to talk to. And then have a whole bunch of miserable, stressful fights as you say, "No, I need some quiet-time now," and shut the door in her face, repeatedly, until she learns when it is okay to spew a whole bunch of social-behavior at you and that when you say it's not okay, it's really not okay. Guilt-trips regarding her idea that your needs make her feel abandoned and unloved are par the course. So are threats to leave. Possibly followed by weird manipulative speeches that will make you feel utterly insane.
I'd just run. But I'm really really bored by this phenomenon now and have zero patience for it. |
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Greentea
Goddess of Wisdom
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 5678
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:42 am Post subject: |
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Since you two are not a couple, she shouldn't be acting as if you were one. She should have a few other people she does things with and who fulfill her needs for attention and relating. She should also be busy meeting new people. I think you have to tell her this in as diplomatic a way as possible so as to save the friendship if possible and before even more animosity builds between you two.
Don't white-lie to her that the problem is your AS, she's not silly and excuses only cause more hostility. The problem is not your AS but the different needs and expectations you two have of your friendship.
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MemberSix
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 10, 2007
Posts: 606
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 4:26 am Post subject: Re: living with a partner who is ovr emotional (in my view) |
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| Loborojo wrote: | | I told her I could lvoe someone and not neccessarily want love back (unconditional love) |
If I might be permitted a moment of pedantry here, unconditional love isn't loving without WANTING love back.
It's loving regardless of what the lovee does or might do.
It certainly isn't 'not wanting' love in return.
Most parents love unconditionally, but also want their child's love. |
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MemberSix
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 10, 2007
Posts: 606
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 4:32 am Post subject: |
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Ask her to respect your personal space and privacy.
Tell her you feel disrespected by her in-your-faceness and that she's going about killing the relationship the fastest way possible.
If she continues to be unable to exert any behavioural control, tell her to seek counselling as she clearly has some issues that require addressing.
I skimmed a lot of your post (bad habit), but if you can't take it - just move or give her her notice. |
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Loborojo
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 20, 2008
Age: 50
Posts: 1176
Location: wherever I lay my head (now in the UK)
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:04 am Post subject: |
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the thing is, we live in Peru and unlike Thailand where we lived for a year last year, there is no expat community here. Her Spanish is a little more than nihil, so she does not make many or no friends, beside whcih me speaking Spanis I have no friends either, becaue people here in this city are reputed to be very cold, not interested in making friendship. So we live in this insulated flat for 10 moths with nothing but us to talk to.
I haven't been alone for a long while and though she knows I need it, the minut I bring it up she says, "I know, you would rather be with boys than with me, I had better leave...."
ANd now I am depressed, can't get out of it and she has all these social expectations, very English or British I would say in her face. Stop being British I said many a times. She can won't eat by herself adn wills it at the table until I come to sit by her and then only she will eat. "That's how I am she says". I feel like "f**k it all" what is this buyllshit. And then we face each other and you feel the chit chat coming up, having to pretend tah we need to talk. Why?? So, I look through the window, can't look too long in her eyes, don't knwo what to say.
But I don't know? What is worse, being alone staring at walls or being wiht a person who contantly needs babales, hugs, love, warmth, doing things together, etc????
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Greentea
Goddess of Wisdom
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 5678
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 1:20 pm Post subject: |
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I'm sorry to hear the people are not so friendly there. I always said Peruvians are the warmest people, but lately I've been hearing differently, so I believe you. Sounds like an unfair, unhealthy situation to be in for both of you.
If you're in Lima, I could connect you to my local friend, he's a Franciscan and has lotsa friends. He's a wonderful person.
Failing that, come to Tel Aviv. 
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Loborojo
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 20, 2008
Age: 50
Posts: 1176
Location: wherever I lay my head (now in the UK)
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 1:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Greentea wrote: | I'm sorry to hear the people are not so friendly there. I always said Peruvians are the warmest people, but lately I've been hearing differently, so I believe you. Sounds like an unfair, unhealthy situation to be in for both of you.
If you're in Lima, I could connect you to my local friend, he's a Franciscan and has lotsa friends. He's a wonderful person.
Failing that, come to Tel Aviv. |
We live in Arequipa, that's 16 hrs by bus to Lima. Lima is a big city and humid, don't like that. Tel Aviv, if Israelis are as noisy as they are in India, I don't think so. Though I heard it coul dbe a good selling place for my art, do they need any TEFL teachers there (Teaching English as Foreign Language)?
Arequipa is known for people who are a bit snooty. I like Cusco better (but it is higher and colder) where I lived one year. Peruvians cannot be trusted and it is dangerous everywehere in the country, violence, assaults, theft is rampant. the bolivans call thm the balck cats or Nigerians of South America.
You cannot make 'real' friends here. all is promise and maņana in your face and big smile, like the Thais
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Greentea
Goddess of Wisdom
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 5678
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:01 pm Post subject: |
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Yep, we're very noisy here.
Can't you leave for another country where you might have more fun?
We're full of Anglo-Saxons here teaching TESL and TEFL, which is why I don't engage in my profession (TESL and TEFL).
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Loborojo
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 20, 2008
Age: 50
Posts: 1176
Location: wherever I lay my head (now in the UK)
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 3:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Greentea wrote: | Yep, we're very noisy here.
Can't you leave for another country where you might have more fun?
We're full of Anglo-Saxons here teaching TESL and TEFL, which is why I don't engage in my profession (TESL and TEFL). |
How can you live there, if you're Aspie. In Nepal I have ben this close to killing Noisy Israelis..they are like loud Meditaraneans, cannot stand it.
Damn
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Greentea
Goddess of Wisdom
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Age: 48
Posts: 5678
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 4:02 pm Post subject: |
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Oh c'mon, you'd totally love it here. The only outcasts in Tel Aviv are the straights.
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Loborojo
Phoenix
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Age: 50
Posts: 1176
Location: wherever I lay my head (now in the UK)
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 4:25 pm Post subject: |
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| Greentea wrote: | | Oh c'mon, you'd totally love it here. The only outcasts in Tel Aviv are the straights. |
You are joking, right? Majority of Gay Israelis?
how woudl I find a job there? Easy to get a work permit, can I fly in on a tourist visa and find work?
Check my artwork an dsee if that would sell in Tel Aviv
www.alann.info
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