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KenM
an i mal
Joined: Oct 16, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 1290
Location: Mass. USA
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 Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 4:55 pm Post subject: How come NTs don't accept us? |
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I have a good friend. we work together, he knows I have AS and don't like social situations. He invited me over to his place for a couple of BBq's this summer. The only reason I went was because another NT friend was over and I did not want her to be bored. I put on a good act pretending that I had a good time. But i was totally miserable and felt very fake and wrong for not acting how I normally would.
I told my friend that invited me up about how I felt. He seemed very offended and taken aback. Even thou he knows how I feel about those situations. I'm suposted to go over there tonight but I told him today that I don't feel like doing anything tonight. He still thinks I'm coming up.
Why can't NTs accept the fact that not everyone likes to socialize? Why are we labeled as freaks because of it?
I get depressed thinking about going to these things. I was depressed all day thinking about having to go over there and fulfill my so called 'social obligation". I told me friend I was deptressed and did not want to go over tonight. He said the best thing I can do for my depression is go out and soicalize, do things. He has no idea the reason I'm depressed is because of those social situations. |
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JohnHopkins
In no way offensive to anybody. Honest.
Joined: Nov 20, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 2735
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 4:57 pm Post subject: |
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- 'NTs' don't do anything. Some people do, some don't, and you've just picked a guy that does.
- Because it IS freakish, cause by definition, something freakish is outside normal parameters, and what they consider normal is being sociable.
- Why didn't you just tell him you didn't want to go?
- Why are you not seeing it as a positive that this guy actually likes you enough that he wants to invite you over? |
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KenM
an i mal
Joined: Oct 16, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 1290
Location: Mass. USA
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:00 pm Post subject: |
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| JohnHopkins wrote: | -
- Why are you not seeing it as a positive that this guy actually likes you enough that he wants to invite you over? |
Because he KNOWS for a fact how I feel about social situations. But he still insists on trying to put me in these situations. He does not respect my feelings.
The reason i told him that I just did not feel like doing anything and not flat out that I was not coming over is because I'm trying to talk to NTs they way they talk to me, they not direct with me, i'm not direct with them. Its up to them to read what i really meant. Just like I'm suposted to automatially know what they mean. |
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JohnHopkins
In no way offensive to anybody. Honest.
Joined: Nov 20, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 2735
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:03 pm Post subject: |
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| It's nothing to do with lack of respect, it's him trying to get you out of your comfort zone to see if you'll enjoy yourself. Clearly, you didn't, so why not just turn down these invitations? Sooner or later he'll get the picture if you flat out say no each time. |
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Phagocyte
Low-Functioning NT
Joined: Oct 16, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 1980
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:03 pm Post subject: |
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It's not that NT's as a whole don't accept people with AS, they really don't accept introverts, period.
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JohnHopkins
In no way offensive to anybody. Honest.
Joined: Nov 20, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 2735
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Yes they do. My friends learned not to invite me to parties or to go out cause I didn't want to. And they were still my friends when I saw them at school and such. |
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KenM
an i mal
Joined: Oct 16, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 1290
Location: Mass. USA
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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I told him stop inviting me, its very uncomfortable for me but he still keeps doing it. I don't go over every time just a few times. But he still invites me so i feel obligated to go over and be in hell.
I don't want to get out of my comfot zone. Every time i do it never goes good. Ive been doing this stuff for 40 years. I'm going to stay in my zone where I know God won't screw with me.
Last edited by KenM on Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:07 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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JohnHopkins
In no way offensive to anybody. Honest.
Joined: Nov 20, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 2735
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:06 pm Post subject: |
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| So stop feeling obligated. |
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anna-banana
indifferent peapod
Joined: Aug 31, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 5598
Location: Europe
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:06 pm Post subject: |
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| I think it's gonna take years, if not decades, for the general public to understand the difference between people under the spectrum and the so called "normal people". the way I see it, we're like homosexuals in the '40s, '50's- if you come out of the closet with being an aspie they'll never look at you the same again. you'll always be the "weird" one even if before you were just considered "accentric". |
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ablomov
Toucan
Joined: Jul 20, 2008
Posts: 295
Location: northern hemisphere
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:12 pm Post subject: |
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| I wd get deptressed too - even depressed. What u describe is a typical trigger for me. Yet no-one wd or is likely to invite me anywhere, four years ago meddling shitty friends of wife decided to give us a belated 25th anniv crappy bbq. half cooked cheap sausages etc at a very special location for me up in the hills. wow did it hit me hard. The usual 'not one person spoke to me' stuff - the greatest isolation when among others. Just like being back at school forty years ago. Some people I do shine with - tho certainly not those buerks. Excruciating. |
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nekowafer
Deinonychus
Joined: Jun 20, 2008
Age: 24
Posts: 354
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:26 pm Post subject: |
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It doesn't make sense to him that you don't like it. Just like it doesn't make sense to you that he can't understand what you're going through.
Try to see it from his side and explain to him again what the problem is. Then just say no every time instead of going just to make someone else happy.
For most people that are afraid or nervous around something, you can introduce it to them slowly and they'll get used to it and be less afraid. In general anyway. So it makes sense to him that this is how he should act with you. He is just trying to help as far as I can tell.
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slowmutant
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 14, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 11411
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:44 pm Post subject: |
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| KenM wrote: | I told him stop inviting me, its very uncomfortable for me but he still keeps doing it. I don't go over every time just a few times. But he still invites me so i feel obligated to go over and be in hell.
I don't want to get out of my comfot zone. Every time i do it never goes good. Ive been doing this stuff for 40 years. I'm going to stay in my zone where I know God won't screw with me. |
You don't know how good you've got it, slick. If you had no friends to call you out, you'd whine about that too. |
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t0
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 843
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:53 pm Post subject: |
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| slowmutant wrote: | | You don't know how good you've got it, slick. If you had no friends to call you out, you'd whine about that too. |
Agreed. Stand up for yourself and decline the invitations to things you don't want to do. |
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slowmutant
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 14, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 11411
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:56 pm Post subject: |
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| I regret having opened this thread. It's full of cravens and whiners. |
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prometheuspann
Deinonychus
Joined: Aug 28, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 320
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:57 pm Post subject: Re: How come NTs don't accept us? |
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| Quote: | | I have a good friend. we work together, he knows I have AS and don't like social situations. He invited me over to his place for a couple of BBq's this summer. The only reason I went was because another NT friend was over and I did not want her to be bored. I put on a good act pretending that I had a good time. But i was totally miserable and felt very fake and wrong for not acting how I normally would. |
Firstly, its probably good for you to get out and be somewhat social. If that scene doesn't work for you, identify specific reasons why.
Was the conversation shallow and boring? Were the NTs dramas and conflicts over the top and silly? Was it too noisy to hear yourself think? come up with specifics so that you can keep it straight in your head and to that you can tell people you meet
what kinds of situations you don't like and why.
As for the next thing- you failed to be an adult and make the choice to leave. Thats not your friends fault, its yours.
| Quote: |
I told my friend that invited me up about how I felt. He seemed very offended and taken aback. Even thou he knows how I feel about those situations. I'm suposted to go over there tonight but I told him today that I don't feel like doing anything tonight. He still thinks I'm coming up.
Why can't NTs accept the fact that not everyone likes to socialize? Why are we labeled as freaks because of it? |
Cognicentrism. Everybody has it including us. Its hard for them to see it the way we see it. Another thing you might try is
the thought experiment of designing a party so that you'd like it.
That way you can have a model handy to explain what kinds of things are fun for you. NTs have the same issues, they just
learn to own their own problems, which you are not doing here.
Its not their problem, its yours.
You fix it. Start by quiting your sense of entitlement and by stopping being mentally lazy. Define for yourself how you have fun and what works and what doesn't for yourself. Then you can say "So, bob, will there be loud music playing? See, I won't stay
if i can't hear myself think." or, "What kinds of activites are going to go on? Cuz if its just drinking and chatting i was thinking I'd
stay home and solve some high order problem or another, maybe find some net geeks to socialize with."
| Quote: |
I get depressed thinking about going to these things. I was depressed all day thinking about having to go over there and fulfill my so called 'social obligation". I told me friend I was deptressed and did not want to go over tonight. He said the best thing I can do for my depression is go out and soicalize, do things. He has no idea the reason I'm depressed is because of those social situations. |
You don't have any social obligations. Do things because you want to do them, period. Just communicate effectively about why
and how. And invite your friend perhaps to come do something fun which you can both enjoy together.
Your idea that you should or must perform for NTs is your problem for the most part. NTs are what they are- and you are not a circus for their amusement. So respect yourself, establish boundaries that work for you, and maintain friendships by being the person that gets the NT out to go do something more interesting that kicking back and shootin the sheeite.
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