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Sullulen
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 10:20 pm    Post subject: How to make fun of/tease a person in a friendly way? Reply with quote

One of the problems I've encountered is that I'm often viewed as being the "nice guy". Now, many people may not see this as a problem, but I find that with this kind of personality I can only go so far. One of the things I've realized is that I don't really know how to tease or make fun of someone in a way that would just make them laugh (and not be offended). I usually have no interest in teasing anyone, since it seems pointless, but from what I've seen, it is something people commonly do in NT flirting. I have two problems - first, I am more likely to have a non-teasing conversation, and second, if I am thinking of teasing someone, I don't know what I would say, and I wouldn't want to offend her.

I'll share something I noticed at my university. I was talking to a girl (let's call her Caroline), and my conversation with her went something like this (I don't remember it exactly since it was months ago):
Me: "Hey, so what do you think of this class? I think it's pretty interesting."
Cara: "Yeah, it's not bad, the teacher says "um" a lot, which is kind of annoying."
Me: "Yeah, I noticed that true. So where are you from?"
Cara: "I'm actually from Kansas"
Me: "Oh wow, I don't know anyone from there. What's it like over there?"

Now, contrast this with another person (let's call him Alex) who took the "teasing" route:
Cara: [introduces topic of Kansas]
Alex: So how does it feel to be in civilization? [we are in DC, and he is implying that where she comes from, Kansas, is uncivilized]

They then proceed to go into some sort of an joking, flirtatious "argument" about how Kansas is civilized/uncivilized. They start to like each other and began dating, and it looks like they hit it off on this very conversation. My conversation, on the other hand, is more prone to "friends zone" territory since I was more businesslike and didn't tease. This is where I have trouble. When people tease me about anything, all I do is sort of smile and laugh, telling others that I am a nice guy. That results in people teasing me less than others. This is good in some ways, but it doesn't help my image with girls. I'm also not good at the little teasing "arguments" because I personally find them silly, and I am really no good at arguing about something that I don't care about.

Well, that's the essence of what I wanted to post. Does anyone have any input on this topic of being teased/teasing in a friendly way? Note that I'm not talking about teasing in an abusive sense, but the type of teasing that causes couples to have "chemistry" and start to like each other.
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Nik
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 10:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's not really a science, you just gotta go with the flow, it all depends on the person, topic, etc.
Wow.
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pandd
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would advise caution with teasing. It's not just what is said, I've copied word for word successful 'teases' I've seen and offended the other person who 'knew' from 'the way it was said' that I was not joking but 'having a go' at them. If you're fine with offending a number of people and having them think you've attacked them out of nowhere, then you can probably observe what others do, formulate some extrapolations (for instance the 'Kansas vs civilization' tease will work for many more locations than Kansas), try them out on people, and use the feedback to vary your presentation until you get it right (ie vary elements of presentation until you find one that gets positive responses).

If you do not feel confident you will be able to cope with (potentially mortally,) offending people (who might perceive you as suddenly launching an attack on them, and form an opinion of you accordingly [and also probably feel hurt since they will be wondering what provoked the attack]), you could settle for humor without teasing.

The difference between humor and teasing humor is making your audience part of the joke. This can be done without the tease being directed at the audience (for instance a joke that favorably contrasts Kansas instead of negatively). You might find that humor is more important than the tease in humorous teasing and the response it provokes, and although you might embarrass yourself on those occasions a joke falls flat, at least people are not left thinking you've verbally attacked them for no reasonable cause.

Most importantly of all, on no account when you are 'trying out' a humorous tease (in the testing stage) should you use it on someone whose opinion really matters to you, unless they already know you well and will accept you did not intend harm (the latter group may be perfect 'lab-test subjects' to trial a new tease on, before trying out it out, 'out in the wild').
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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm. Men and women tease each other all the time, less so once they are married and they go into their 'serious' straight face mode and seem pissed at each other a lot but with just a strained grimace on their taught faces.
But during the pre dating phase I see this type of thing...the teasing...and it is obvious even to me when whoever is teasing likes each other because there's lots of silliness and giggles and they smile at each other and act coy. They often want to touch hands or grab bubble gums and stuff. This is far more telling than the actual teasing. If someone frowns, gets angry or leaves because of the teasing, they probably weren't that interested anyway.
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Aurore
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 12:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I make extra sure I'm smiling and giving my 'sympathy eyes' when I tease people, or they just think I'm a jerk. This is really tricky terrain, though. I think it has a lot to do with your expression and body language and also their level of tolerance for teasing.
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Warsie
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 1:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

get info on them and try to stray away from things they may be sensitive. For example if the person is female you can't pull out period jokes immediately, if at all with her....

It's complicated. Shit, I don't even do that a lot unless it's about something I know a lot about (asking a Republican I know "so how's that election" and showing this demotivator form my laptop ( http://i205.photobucket.com/albums/bb110/Xypher12/1225849626371.jpg )
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Aurore
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 2:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Warsie wrote:

It's complicated. sh**, I don't even do that a lot unless it's about something I know a lot about (asking a Republican I know "so how's that election" and showing this demotivator form my laptop ( http://i205.photobucket.com/albums/bb110/Xypher12/1225849626371.jpg )


Laughing Laughing
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Tom
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 3:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought I'd make an effort to get on with people better ths year, so I watched some people at my new job who were really likeable and good at making new friends quickly. One of them I noticed was always teasing people and making fun of them. IE, when we first started working together, she was sayng "oh my god, you're useless aren't you" and then smilng to show it was a joke.
Another guy, a good friend of mine, was really popular and good with women, everybody liked him. But he wasn't popular in an excluding, cliquey way, he always made an effort to draw other people into his confidence, and include them with the friends he made, he always shared hs success and made the people around him better too, so I was never jealous of him. Once, a new grl started work who he fancied, and he started making fun of her all the time and pretendng to bully her in a jokey way, saying things like, "god, i have to come and help you with your stupid stuff all the time" and pretending to ignore her, in a playful way. "god, you act like you own this place don't you"

So anyway, I always saw people actng like this before, but I thought it was only appropriate to joke around like that with people you already knew well. But, I always end up not making a lot of friends and only having a few people I feel comfortable with, as opposed to people who seem able to find rapport with everyone. So as I said, I saw these popular people started joking around and teasing people as soon as they met them, not waiting untill they felt comfortable with them. In fact, that made people comfortable with them. So I've been making more of an effort to do it and use my sense of humor more.

I know it's hard for aspies, as we find sarcasm, irony and double meanings hard to understand. In fact, I now think this is the main thing that seperates us and stops us from being liked as much as the average NT is. But I think it can be possible for us to learn and improve, if we know what we should do. I've been trying it and I have felt good results, and I think it has made me more popular, although I really have to have a lot of energy and be really motivated to be in that state.
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Tom
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 3:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sullulen, there's a book called "The Mystery Method", written by a dating teacher who calls himself Mystery, which is supposed to teach you how to do this with women. Goes into it in pretty deep detail.
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HD3H
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 3:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

use sarcasm and irony....works for me.... Cool
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slurr
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 5:50 am    Post subject: Re: How to make fun of/tease a person in a friendly way? Reply with quote

Sullulen wrote:
I'm also not good at the little teasing "arguments" because I personally find them silly, and I am really no good at arguing about something that I don't care about.


I know where you're coming from, and teasing really only worked for me if I already know the person a little bit. Otherwise it's just too much of a guess how much and what type of humour they have, how easily they take something personal, how they interpret your body language etc.
Some people will take any opportunity to laugh at anyone and anything, while others don't even realise you're trying to make a joke or have a high laugh treshold.. Caroline may as well have responded "Oh it's alright here I'm just getting used to all the traffic and all the people", in which case there would have been no joke. What made her laugh, you see, was not the tease, but the emotional sort of tickle and "charm" the other person used.

When it comes to the teasing "arguments' I find them complete and utter bullshit and cringe everytime someone has such a stupid conversation. You don't want to imitate that. Just wait until someone comes along who is willing to make a meaningful connection without the shits and giggles.
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2ukenkerl
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 6:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Warsie wrote:
get info on them and try to stray away from things they may be sensitive. For example if the person is female you can't pull out period jokes immediately, if at all with her....

It's complicated. sh**, I don't even do that a lot unless it's about something I know a lot about (asking a Republican I know "so how's that election" and showing this demotivator form my laptop ( http://i205.photobucket.com/albums/bb110/Xypher12/1225849626371.jpg )


OK, I get part of the point, but WHAT does C-C-COMBO BREAKER mean? BTW not everyone was that exact color, and not everyone had white hair. I get the point BUT, like everything else they do, it is a STRETCH!

If the person is female, and you are male, I would say FORGET anything so personal as a period. I don't know why ANYONE would do that anyway. I think teasing is best if it is playful competition, or friendly jabs. That means NOT doing it to strangers, and not doing it in a spitful or abusive way.
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Followthereaper90
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 7:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

compobreaker=epic win
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oblio
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 8:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

2ukenkerl wrote:

b. That means NOT doing it to strangers,
a. and not doing it in a spitful or abusive way.


*rushes off for a towel*

a. yes, that would be nice, thank you

b. let me tell you about the english sense of teasing

(i'll forego what exactly lead to the supposed to be comforting remark
an official from Guernsey HC made to me during the Easter Hockey Festival, sat apart in the pavillion, at my own table after being dropped by, my team after umpiring them and awarding a penalty flick to the opposition)

Ah Robert, the English are a strange people -
if they don't like you, they'll ignore you;
if they do like you, they'll abuse you.


by the way, i have never felt more liked than there(&then)

& BTW: i can take it, brilliantly - and i'll dish it out when push comes

&& BTW:

there is a very similar sense of (self-mocking) irony prevalent right here on WP - it is actually what drew me in the first place and what i recognized instantly, and what made me self-identify

and that is the trick - if you dish it out in a manner that impicitely shows you are ready for the riposte - and prepared to suffer being fooled oneself -
then you can get away with bloody murder

always tongue-in-cheek
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Jael
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have learned not to try teasing people - I'm not sure why, but it's not perceived as teasing by the other person, no matter how light-hearted my tone or facial expression. People think I'm serious all the time and they don't know how to respond. So I've given up on teasing - it's just not in my repetoire.
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