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Is it possible for a girl to become an Asperger obsession? 1, 2, 3  Next  
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j5689
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 8:17 pm    Post subject: Is it possible for a girl to become an Asperger obsession? Reply with quote

If this has already been covered, I apologize but I just registered here like 10 minutes ago and I've been wondering about this for a while now.

There is this girl I have liked since October 07 and since then she is all I ever really think about. I think about her more often than I think about computers and that's the only other obsession that I really have besides maybe playin videogames.

I don't know why she hasn't just told me to F off what with how clingy I was last school year.
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 8:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds like obsession to me. It's not a particularly strange or obscure thing to obsess about, either, there's nothing particularly "Asperger" about it. However, if you're not in a relationship with her it's also not healthy.
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds like a normal adolescent infatuation. Has nothing to do with Aspergers because normal guys will also get obsessed with a particular girl when they are young and their hormones raging. It's entirely hormones and I'm not just talking testosterone. You're oxytocin is probably out the roof and that makes people crazy obsessed sometimes. Its Mother Nature's way of trying to get you to reproduce. Don't worry eventually the infatuations go away as soon as you learn what the real person is like as everyone has something wrong with them once you get to know them closely.
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j5689
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 8:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

At the moment, she seems to be interested but what would I know?

I've known her for a year already but I don't feel like posting any mini-novels at the moment. I do still need help in assessing this, which happened last Monday:

Here, I'll copy my post from another forum about it:

_j5689_ wrote:
It's a long story but here goes:

That girl I was talking about, well I talked to her on last Monday morning and asked what my friend (her ex) was actually saying when he said he would talk to her for me. Then I thought that what I had asked was really really stupid and I just went back to my seat, almost cried, and then forgot about it and her and was happy for the rest of the day. I didn't talk to her or even look at her in the eyes for the rest of the week except a couple times at lunch on Friday, normally I do it almost all the time.

Then today, my friend (her ex) and I were waiting near his locker, because he was going to introduce me to this other girl that can help me with my Asperger syndrome social problems. Amazingly this happens:

I see the girl that I like in front of him and she just keeps looking at me for a few seconds and waves to us both and then she comes up with a hugging motion and me and my friend both think it's for him, but she pushes him aside and says no and then gives ME a hug. The first time that she has ever hugged me as a matter of fact.

What might have been a reason for this hug?

Is it that thing where you stop showing a girl attention and suddenly she reallys wants you?


Other relevant info:

Last year, it always seemed like she have him more attention than me, this is why it seemed really out of place for this to happen.

She doesn't initiate conversation with me.

She looks at me sometimes.

Also, the following day, I was walking back to class from lunch and then I turn around and see her with her arm locked around this guys arm, with another girl on his left arm. I turned back forward immediately and she bumped into me really hard.

Does this all mean she likes me, and if so, how much?
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Tim_Tex
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Been there, done that.

What exactly is the threshold between a normal infatuation and an obsession?
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 9:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oops, i thought you were a girl, and had become subject of a male aspie's obsessing

and yes - it is possible

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j5689
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tim_Tex wrote:
Been there, done that.

What exactly is the threshold between a normal infatuation and an obsession?

That is a good question. It probably depends on the person.
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Shadow50
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, I have this at the moment ... had it four years now.

There are already quite a few threads about this on WP, might pay to do a search.

Also consider 'Limerence' (try wikipedia), but I don't yet know if limerence is more prevalent among aspies than the general population. In any case, I think aspies are better equipped to accommodate limerence than typpies.

Love is short term, like the infatuation mentioned by others. Limerence tends to hang about much longer, sometimes even permanently. Same body chemistry, different intensity.

As to the girl, set up a suitable occasion so you can just sit and talk. Tell her how you feel. But then you also need to accept her response. It might even be favourable.

Best wishes.
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 24, 2008 5:33 am    Post subject: Re: Is it possible for a girl to become an Asperger obsessio Reply with quote

j5689 wrote:
If this has already been covered, I apologize but I just registered here like 10 minutes ago and I've been wondering about this for a while now.

There is this girl I have liked since October 07 and since then she is all I ever really think about. I think about her more often than I think about computers and that's the only other obsession that I really have besides maybe playin videogames.

I don't know why she hasn't just told me to F off what with how clingy I was last school year.


Look, no offense. But when you mention obsession, that sorta creeps me out.
Makes me think of Norman Bates or Hannibal Lecter(I know I spelled his name wrong)
Methinks you have quite a bit of lust, coupled with this obsession. That could be a bad sign.
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j5689
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 24, 2008 9:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shadow50 wrote:
Yes, I have this at the moment ... had it four years now.

There are already quite a few threads about this on WP, might pay to do a search.

Also consider 'Limerence' (try wikipedia), but I don't yet know if limerence is more prevalent among aspies than the general population. In any case, I think aspies are better equipped to accommodate limerence than typpies.

Love is short term, like the infatuation mentioned by others. Limerence tends to hang about much longer, sometimes even permanently. Same body chemistry, different intensity.

As to the girl, set up a suitable occasion so you can just sit and talk. Tell her how you feel. But then you also need to accept her response. It might even be favourable.

Best wishes.

I already told her how I feel the day after Valentine's Day, and according to other people, it was a really bad way of doing it.

Basically the way I met her was because she was assigned to sit behind me in October and that's how I got to know her and like her. Then on Valentine's Day, the teacher switches the seats again and I am placed across the room from her. I looked at her from across the room and she waved to me, and then I just instinctively said: "I don't want to be separated from you", and she just shrugged. I turned to the front and tried so hard not to cry.


I told her all that the next day and then I told her that I loved her. She replied: "Awwwww, thank you"
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billsmithglendale
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 24, 2008 11:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've run into this type before -- she sounds like an attention whore, and probably has issues. She's giving you mixed signals, hot, then cold, and reacts almost exactly how the person I knew (and crushed on) acted when confronted with real feelings or regret that they're not around. I obsessed just like you did.

Some advice --

First off, someone like this is not really a great prospect for love or a relationship -- they're very dysfunctional, so the rules with this kind of person are almost completely opposite of normal, loving, caring women. Girls like this are unstable, flirty, everyone wants them, and they know it. Actually, she probably gets sick of it sometimes. She needs a challenge....

....so start ignoring her. Don't be mean, and respond somewhat if she makes invitations, but don't ever do another one of those confessionals again, telling her your true feelings, or whining when she puts distance between you. Someone like this has attachment issues, and she's only going to feel burdened by it. Make her work to know you, not vice versa. Make her be the one to ask you out, seek you out, find out what your mystery is about. Be prepared to not talk for 2 weeks or more -- she will crack, and she will come find you and make the move. When she does, don't blow the game -- stay guarded, and never open up to her again fully. It's really a poker game with someone like this, and she's had a lot of practice -- but she's used to people showing her their cards, so she only respects someone who doesn't. This is going to be the type of person where some of the stereotyped Aspie behavior (cold and emotionless exterior) will come in handy -- use this to your advantage.

The advice above is only if you actually want to get entangled with someone like this, and it won't necessarily work, but it's your best chance. Just know that like a wild animal, she'll never be tamed or yours, but you might get a "taste" of her for a while -- Just watch out for STD's, and don't let her have your heart, because you'll never really have hers. She also probably has a parent with a substance abuse issue, or a cold parent, so she's probably not at heart a very loving person, and she may herself be on her way to her own substance abuse issue, usually alcohol or some other kind of depressant.

Obsessions are hard, and there's no cure, except to make yourself busy with other things, and write off the object of your obsession as unobtainable. I know exactly how you feel, because I went through the same thing, and the tactics I mention above worked, but the person was ultimately unreachable on a personal level. Trust me that I know exactly the type of person you describe, and that I'm trying to save you a lot of misery. There are a lot of nicer girls out there, just as pretty, who won't play head games like this and flirt around on you. Try to get over this girl, and use her if you want, but don't ever think you can really love her, or her you.

...and if you really want to study up on a good analysis of personality types (which wasn't what I parroted above, because above is a mixture of my own studies, experience, and books like this), I highly recommend "The Art of Seduction," by Robert Greene. His other book, "The 48 Laws of Power" is also a great Aspie resource. Just take both with a grain of salt, and understand that it's not always so great to be Machiavellian with the way one operates in one's life, love life or otherwise.

Hope this was some help.
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j5689
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 24, 2008 1:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

billsmithglendale wrote:
I've run into this type before -- she sounds like an attention whore, and probably has issues. She's giving you mixed signals, hot, then cold, and reacts almost exactly how the person I knew (and crushed on) acted when confronted with real feelings or regret that they're not around. I obsessed just like you did.

Yeah, some people have told me that she is an ego-monster like that.

Quote:
Some advice --

First off, someone like this is not really a great prospect for love or a relationship -- they're very dysfunctional, so the rules with this kind of person are almost completely opposite of normal, loving, caring women. Girls like this are unstable, flirty, everyone wants them, and they know it. Actually, she probably gets sick of it sometimes. She needs a challenge....

....so start ignoring her. Don't be mean, and respond somewhat if she makes invitations, but don't ever do another one of those confessionals again, telling her your true feelings, or whining when she puts distance between you. Someone like this has attachment issues, and she's only going to feel burdened by it. Make her work to know you, not vice versa. Make her be the one to ask you out, seek you out, find out what your mystery is about. Be prepared to not talk for 2 weeks or more -- she will crack, and she will come find you and make the move. When she does, don't blow the game -- stay guarded, and never open up to her again fully. It's really a poker game with someone like this, and she's had a lot of practice -- but she's used to people showing her their cards, so she only respects someone who doesn't. This is going to be the type of person where some of the stereotyped Aspie behavior (cold and emotionless exterior) will come in handy -- use this to your advantage.

Yeah, I was ignoring her for the week before last because I asked her a stupid question on Monday and then thought I was over her so I wouldn't even look at her for the whole week and then on Monday, she hugged me like I said in the story. And then she bumped into me on Tuesday.

Quote:

The advice above is only if you actually want to get entangled with someone like this, and it won't necessarily work, but it's your best chance. Just know that like a wild animal, she'll never be tamed or yours, but you might get a "taste" of her for a while -- Just watch out for STD's, and don't let her have your heart, because you'll never really have hers. She also probably has a parent with a substance abuse issue, or a cold parent, so she's probably not at heart a very loving person, and she may herself be on her way to her own substance abuse issue, usually alcohol or some other kind of depressant.

She used to do weed a lot

Quote:

Obsessions are hard, and there's no cure, except to make yourself busy with other things, and write off the object of your obsession as unobtainable. I know exactly how you feel, because I went through the same thing, and the tactics I mention above worked, but the person was ultimately unreachable on a personal level. Trust me that I know exactly the type of person you describe, and that I'm trying to save you a lot of misery. There are a lot of nicer girls out there, just as pretty, who won't play head games like this and flirt around on you. Try to get over this girl, and use her if you want, but don't ever think you can really love her, or her you.

...and if you really want to study up on a good analysis of personality types (which wasn't what I parroted above, because above is a mixture of my own studies, experience, and books like this), I highly recommend "The Art of Seduction," by Robert Greene. His other book, "The 48 Laws of Power" is also a great Aspie resource. Just take both with a grain of salt, and understand that it's not always so great to be Machiavellian with the way one operates in one's life, love life or otherwise.

Hope this was some help.

It was definitely of some help. I think I may try to ignore her once more the same way and wait for her to make a move. Because when I do try to talk to her, I tend to screw up anyway cause I'm not confident when approaching, on the other hand, when I'm approached, it feels like they are interested which gives me confidence. Not sure if that's normal or if I described the right, tbh.

I'm still not completely sure this is the same type of girl you describe either. I'm still in high school, so a lot of girls are probably acting like that just because they can or because of some other immature high school crap that NTs feel compelled to follow. All that considered, you may still be right.
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CerebralDreamer
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 24, 2008 1:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My advice, is if you can, just go out with her. If you've got a driver's license, ask her to dinner, and see how things go. Looks like you're already very set up to ask her out. I would just get it over with. Even if it won't turn out good, you could use the experience, and there is always the hope things DO turn out well.

Just, don't let yourself get burned too much if things don't go well. There are always better girls out there, who will have an interest in YOU, it's just that you have to be ready when they show up, pick up on some of the key signs, and so forth. Believe me, I've been burned, badly, but I recovered, and right now things couldn't be better. I love my life, my girlfriend, and my family more than anything. It's a great life.

So, even if this is an inevitable burn, it's a good learning experience. Just, if you do, don't let it drag you down into the abyss of the pathetic.
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Shadow50
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 3:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

j5689 wrote:
I already told her how I feel the day after Valentine's Day, and according to other people, it was a really bad way of doing it.

Basically the way I met her was because she was assigned to sit behind me in October and that's how I got to know her and like her. Then on Valentine's Day, the teacher switches the seats again and I am placed across the room from her. I looked at her from across the room and she waved to me, and then I just instinctively said: "I don't want to be separated from you", and she just shrugged. I turned to the front and tried so hard not to cry.


I told her all that the next day and then I told her that I loved her. She replied: "Awwwww, thank you"


Telling her is a good start ... you both need to understand what's going on.

If you are limerent, then you won't have much control over your feelings. Your brain chemistry will run that for you. And you likely won't be able to transfer your feelings to someone else. Also, whatever she does, or whatever kind of person she is, will have no impact on your feelings for her.

Best to try not to have any aspirations or expectations. Good outcome would be that she lets your feelings for her be OK, and doesn't reject you outright. Just try to be content to be her friend, and let anything further develop naturally, at her pace.

Hope it works out for you. But if, perchance, it doesn't, get something positive from the experience ... learn from it.
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 4:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've read some negative comments, which I've also seen on other similar threads to this one, and I want to know - why is it that if a guy does this it's "creepy", whereas if a girl does this it seems to be either a genuine asperger issue, or "loyal/cute". I feel like there are some double standards going on here.

And yes, it is quite possible that another person can become your asperger obsession, and no I also know that it goes WAY beyond normal teenage lust etc. I've experienced both. A guy became my obsession for a few years (thank god I'm past that now, although i still crush on him very occasionally like a normal person would), and I know how that other person can completely and utterly become your life focus in the way that an interest can.
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