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is it normal to still have feelings for an ex years later? 1, 2  Next  
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dragonlady
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 9:09 pm    Post subject: is it normal to still have feelings for an ex years later? Reply with quote

i broke up with someone nearly three years ago, and have found a really great guy since then. yet, part of me still cares about my ex. i loved him while we were together, even though he was abusive and the break-up was difficult, despite being nesesary. is it normal to still love someone despite being abused and breaking up?
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Tohlagos
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 9:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, it is. Though it has been nearly 10 years, I think of her often...
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Nim
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, normal.. forever, and I hope my ex is remembering me and whats shes missing also. As she walks around happily with her new, taller, whiter, skinnier, better cook, better hair, better abs ... basically, better boyfriend....

Excuse me while I cry. Razz

(2 1/2 years ago)

Seems like colliding lives together actually makes quite a impact...
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CelticGoddess
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nim wrote:


Seems like colliding lives together actually makes quite a impact...


So true. And poetic too. Wink
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mitharatowen
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Imo it can have quite a bit to do with the reason for seperation. I was dumped by a guy who was a terrible liar and swore to everyone that he never liked me anyway. It took me a good year to get over that guy but I have no feelings for him any more because he is truly a jerk.

However, I do have an ex that I am still friends with and I still find him quite attractive and I also have another friend that I used to have a crush on (tho it never went anywhere) and I think I will always love him on some level.
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ToadOfSteel
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 9:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I"m still in love with the first girl that rejected me... almost 7 years ago now...
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Orbyss
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 9:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's the reason I could never imagine breaking it off with an ex. I'd much rather be friends after a while of separation to get over the limerence. Bonds can definitely last a lifetime, and often do. It's not only normal, but probably healthy and positive.
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j5689
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 10:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Maybe it depends on how long the relationship was. Perhaps it was long enough that by a certain time, pre-modern humans would've had children and one would have love keeping them around to defend the family.

Not I would know anything about love if what someone told me is right, which is that if you haven't been in a relationship, then you don't know what real love is.
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LordKristov
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This may sound nasty, but I have wrestled with this for a couple of years myself. Yes, I do have feelings for my ex-wife - but certainly not love.

At least until recently, she was one of only two people in the world that I truly hated with every fiber of my being. I have since toned that down quite a bit. It's now a mix of both anger (for what she put me through) and pity (because she's now dealing with a number of weight-related problems.)

Maybe sharing this will help.....myself if nothing else.

I would also like to clarify that I did love my wife for most of the years we were together. This is because I was raised to look beyond appearances and seek the good within people. And there were some redeeming qualities and commonalities that gave our relationship a chance, at least in my mind. So I can't say it was a total loss, because I do know what it means to love someone, even in the face of what are sometimes insurmountable odds.
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 10:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've found the people I loved the most were often the people I hated with intensity when they hurt me. Hate has a lot of connotations, but it's a way to protect the self from harm, not an emotion to cause undo malice. Love can be violently painful, and so the reverse emotion can arise in order to protect and defend against what is perceived as an attack, even if it's just rejection or head games.
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gbollard
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 10:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You never forget your first love... luckily I married mine.

It's absolutely normal to dwell on loved ones after the relationship - even if you were responsible for breaking it off.

The trick is to NOT let it compromise your current and future relationships. Move on and let it sleep in your mind.. otherwise you'll obsess and never meet anyone.


LordKristov wrote:
This may sound nasty, but I have wrestled with this for a couple of years myself. Yes, I do have feelings for my ex-wife - but certainly not love.

At least until recently, she was one of only two people in the world that I truly hated with every fiber of my being. I have since toned that down quite a bit. It's now a mix of both anger (for what she put me through) and pity (because she's now dealing with a number of weight-related problems.)


It's not nasty... It's probably just "recent divorce" syndrome....

You must have loved her once. I'm not suggesting that you get back together but one day when the other pain has faded, you'll just have happy memories and you'll wonder what went wrong. (I think???). This is particularly true if you got your dx after your breakup. Then you'll wonder how different it could of been if you'd understood eachother.
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LordKristov
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

gbollard wrote:
You never forget your first love... luckily I married mine.

It's absolutely normal to dwell on loved ones after the relationship - even if you were responsible for breaking it off.

The trick is to NOT let it compromise your current and future relationships. Move on and let it sleep in your mind.. otherwise you'll obsess and never meet anyone.


LordKristov wrote:
This may sound nasty, but I have wrestled with this for a couple of years myself. Yes, I do have feelings for my ex-wife - but certainly not love.

At least until recently, she was one of only two people in the world that I truly hated with every fiber of my being. I have since toned that down quite a bit. It's now a mix of both anger (for what she put me through) and pity (because she's now dealing with a number of weight-related problems.)


It's not nasty... It's probably just "recent divorce" syndrome....

You must have loved her once. I'm not suggesting that you get back together but one day when the other pain has faded, you'll just have happy memories and you'll wonder what went wrong. (I think???). This is particularly true if you got your dx after your breakup. Then you'll wonder how different it could of been if you'd understood eachother.


I did love her. I loved her so danged much I didn't speak to my parents for nearly a year after we got engaged. And there were indeed some good times but in the end those were outweighed by the bad. I have spent many nights wondering what went wrong, and I will admit I do bear some of the blame for the failure of my marriage, but by no means do I completely blame myself - at least not any more. I won't go into some of the areas where I screwed up here, but suffice to say they are mistakes I have no intention of duplicating.

It has been two years since my divorce. I want to move on, but am not sure exactly how to do that. Although I will say getting some of this out in the open with people who are going through / have gone through some of the same things helps. I would be sharing this with a professional, but I currently do not have health insurance, and therapists are honestly not within my budget.

And as mentioned in another post elsewhere, many of the things I have to offer are not highly valued in that superficial, materialistic place most of us call "the dating scene". I suppose that is one of the reasons I joined WrongPlanet - the women seem to be more "real" here than in the "real world"! I could go on here, but I'll save it for the Love and Dating forums.
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gbollard
K’Anpo no... Cho-Je... whatever.
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 11:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

LordKristov wrote:
I would be sharing this with a professional, but I currently do not have health insurance, and therapists are honestly not within my budget.


Believe me... the therapy you get from talking about things on WP is worth 1000 professionals. Forget them - do it here... (well, not in this thread) but on WP. It's always worked for me.
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LordKristov
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

gbollard wrote:
LordKristov wrote:
I would be sharing this with a professional, but I currently do not have health insurance, and therapists are honestly not within my budget.


Believe me... the therapy you get from talking about things on WP is worth 1000 professionals. Forget them - do it here... (well, not in this thread) but on WP. It's always worked for me.


Gavin,

This means a lot, coming from one of the veterans here. Just some of the things I've posted on this evening have made my chest feel a bit lighter. I have posted on a few topics that have caught my eye as interesting, or something to which I can readily relate. I have even started making jokes Shocked on some of the forums, as I have found some folks who will probably appreciate my sense of humor.

Oh, yeah. I think I'm gonna be just fine here.
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"Give me a long enough lever and a place to stand and I will move the earth"-Archimedes
"We will find a way or make one."-Hannibal
"Perception is reality - which is why I try really hard to see the good in things."-Me
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SilverStar
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 26, 2009 12:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's been 2 years or better since I broke up with my ex, and even though we weren't all that compatible, and didn't truly love each other, it's still hard to let go. I think a lot of time it isn't love, but attachment issues, or fear of being alone.

I think people come into and out of our lives to teach us life lessons, which help us improve ourselves, and grow as individuals. So the next time you are wondering why such and such person caused you grief, anger, jealousy, or whatever else, think about what being with that person has taught you.
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