Need advice for Son's constant hitting.

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DS (4) with Mild Autism is constantly hitting at his 2 yo sister... This is really getting us all down and I'm at my witts end being on edge and stressed every day.

Nothing I do is "Sinking in" to him and he does it day in day out despite all my efforts to teach him.

Can anyone share their ways of dealing with this behaviour? I'm constantly looking for new things to try.

Thank you.

Do you smack him as a punishment when he does this? Slap his hand or his wrist? Or do you make a big fuss of his sister when she's a victim of his attacks?

Children can often have confusing feelings of jealousy and compete for attention, and either of the above could be a factor. For example, some parents do believe in smacking (that's a separate debate), but especially with Aspies, smacking is a big logic FAIL! Can you imagine the mixed messages: Mum and dad say it's bad to hit my sister. When I hit my sister, they yell at me and smack me. So, they tell me not to hit her, but then they smack me. I'm not to hit, but they smack. Does not compute. Is this good or bad behaviour? You need to lead by example, and if hitting his sister is wrong, then you can't use the same bad behaviour yourself that you're criticising him for. It's better to calmly tell him not to do that, because he will copy your own behaviour.

Alternatively, or perhaps additionally, it could be a jealous reaction - if you don't smack him and you're not setting a bad example yourselves, it could be that he feels that his sister is competition for your affections. Don't forget, he had your undivided attention for two years before this little usurper came along, so he's bound to feel displaced in your affections somewhat and aggrieved. You need to reassure him that you still love him the same. If, say, he's feeling a bit jealous and resentful, so he smacks his sister, but then you perhaps make a huge fuss over his little sister, because she's hurt and upset, that's potentially creating a vicious cycle, the more hugs and cuddles and attention little sister gets, the more resentful and jealous he feels, so he smacks, which means she gets more attention and cuddles and hugs, fuelling more resentment and jealousy. You need to somehow break the cycle. And again, react calmly to his bad behaviours. Tell him calmly that it's naughty and unacceptable, try to reason and make him empathise and understand, he wouldn't like it if she hit him, would he? It's not very nice. But reward and reinforce good behaviour. Tell him to kiss his sister better, say sorry, give her a hug. And when he gives her a hug, make a huge fuss over him and how good he's being and he'll learn that this is behaviour that gets him good attention, so it evens up the scales, and if he's also getting good attention, that will help alleviate some of the resentment and frustrations he's feeling.

Is he frustrated or stressed when he hits??

While Damo has stopped hitting me (for now) he is still hitting himself.
Redirect your boy if you can away from his sister and all the best!

I had a hitting problem with my son for a very long time. I tried a lot of things but what finally worked was a token economy. He's 7, so he is older and that may have helped so keep this in mind. These kids have impulse control problems and they just do it by habit. I don't know if your child is language delayed, but if he is then trying to figure out what he is wanting to communicate and dealing with that may be a better angle. I really believe that all physical expression is communication of some sort. Anyway...

My son wanted a nintendo DS. I took him to the store and took pictures of 3 games and the DS. I came home, and with him, made a sticker chart. I took the pictures and made tickets out of them. When he gets 5 stickers he earns a game, 5 more, another game (in ticket form). After 20 days he earned 3 games and his DS. He was not allowed to hit, kick, bump or push. He was allowed one warning a day. I did a lot of coaching before the behavior to help him out so he could be successful and proud, so I would remind him before a time I know he tends to hit (interacting with his siblings for example) and reminded him to not hit. I also gave him an alternative behavior to use instead (growling). Now that he has earned his DS and it is VERY important to him, it is understood that if this behavior resumes, I take the DS and we start all over again. It finally worked. (after years of trying to figure this out). If you have something that this child wants in a BIG way, this may work for you.

Good luck with this one. It's a toughy.

Consider if he finds his sister's presence overstimulating. I know my son does, when it comes to his sister. He really, really, REALLY needs time where he cannot see or hear her. Yes, he does still need to learn to control his responses when she is near him, but he is better equiped to learn that if we try to mitigate the sensory issues she causes him, and reduce the amount of time he faces the challange of adapting to her.

My two really are an accident waiting to happen. My son needs privacy and quiet. My daughter needs contant noise - she is one of those who would leave the TV on all day, every day.

And, yet, they do love each other, and are drawn to each other. I just have to mitigate the inpact that has on both of them, because it can escalate out of control really fast.

We have a zero tolerance policy on hitting. If I truly believe it was not intended, I might only give a time out. But if it was intended, we have 3 consequences: the time out, loss of allowance, and one other to be worked out depending on the specifics of the situation. They need to understand how totally unacceptable it is. If they hit at school, they are suspended. They need to KNOW that the world does not treat it lightly, no matter what the cause is.

But, as parents, we can also acknowledge that certain situations may provoke the behavior in our kids. Watch for the triggers, and work to mitigate them.

Thank you for your replies

I dont smack my kids, it's not my style, it's not for me and I understand what message it brings.

DS hits when his sister is near his toys or if she doesnt play with the toys he chooses for her ... Sometimes he will shove her out of his way if she is in his path. Often hits her if she screams or cries.

The thing is he won't go and play with his toys in his room... Never wants to be alone.

The main issue I think is him trying to control her life as well as his... What she does and when she does it.

I have no idea why but today was a particularly good day... Although he hit her twice he immediately said sorry, gave her a kiss and said "I love you"! !

Perhaps my teachings are sinking in somewhat! I just need to work on him not hitting her in the first place!.

Well, if he hates being alone, then that's your perfect punishment right there. Every time he hits his sister, send him to his room for a time out. Make sure the door is open so he can hear you comforting his sister, giving her hugs, kisses and consoling her. Timeouts for a kid his age should be about 5 minutes.

Ah, yes, now I remember those days ... I think you've hit it. It was like my son thought he was going to get some perfect playmate, like a new toy, and, well, not someone who actually had a mind of her own.

I think Mage's suggestion is a good one. If he doesn't like to be alone, the consequence of having to be alone for a few minutes will probably sink in with him. And it connects: "if you cannot be with other people without hurting them, then you cannot be with them. Everyone deserves to be safe."

First off, dont panic, it is fairly normal for siblings to hit each other. Secondly, here is something that may help you:

In order for your child to do something you want him to do, 3 conditions must be met:

1. The child must understand what it is you want of him.
2. The child must be motivated (want to) do what you want him to do.
3. The child must be able to do what you ask of him.

Fairly simple and obvious, but if you break it down and look at these closer, you may see where the problem is occurring.

1. In order for your child to understand, you must explain clearly in words he can understand what it is you want of him, and why you want him to act that way. The why is just as important as the what. Based on what you have written:

My guess is that he already knows he shouldn't hit his sister, so I dont think your problem is there. However, consistent reminding is never a bad thing.

2. People often confuse motivation and think it is either an off or on thing. In reality it is more of a battle between 2 sides (I.E. good vs. naughty). On one hand your son doesnt want to hit his sister because he knows he will get in trouble. On the other hand, his sister is bothering him and he is angry/frustrated at her. When the desire to avoid negative consequences is stronger then his desire to hit, he wont hit his sister. This is the majority of the time. When his desire to hit overwhelms his desire not to hit, he acts on that. He only needs to be in this state for 1 second in order to hit your daughter, which is where the problem lies. Your son can be good 99% of the time, yet still hit is sister every 2 minutes. When you punish your son for hitting, or reward him for not hitting, you are increasing his desire to be good and not hit his sister. However, rewards and stickers, and time outs do nothing to diminish your son's desire to hit his sister. Basically, the typical reward/punishment system only works to increase his desire to do what you ask of him, it doesnt diminish his desire to hit her.

To explain this in a different way. Say your son has a rating of how much he wants to do something, 1 being low, 5 being medium, and 10 being high. Overall your son is rather indifferent to hitting his sister so his natural desire play nice might be a 2. Also, he has no anger against your daughter in general, so his desire to hit may be at a base line of 1. However during certain times, when your son gets frustrated, his desire to hit will peak to 8. If you give him rewards for playing nice, his desire to play nicely might go to 4. If you give him a time out when he hits, his desire to play nice might go up to 6. But when he is angry, and frustrated, his desire to hit goes up to 8 which is larger then 6. At that point, stickers and time outs dont matter to him, and he acts on his aggression.

So, you may ask what to do here. Well, reward/punishment systems are never a bad thing (so long as you act responsibly and dont go overboard on the punishments which creates more problems), and are indeed a good place to start. But you might want to work on reducing his desire to attack. If he hits her when she cries, he is probably bothered by the sound. Simply getting him some earmuffs to wear would help fix that problem. He may also be feeling frustrated by what she does as it isnt what he wants. In that case he is experiencing a high level of frustration. Try teaching him that its OK for different people to do things differently, and that if he has a problem, he should come to you for assistance. Teach him alternatives to use when he is upset. Perhaps he could count to 10, get up and just take a walk around the house, perhaps ask you for help, etc. Simply put, when your son gets overly frustrated and angry, his ability to think rationally declines. Trying to come up with solutions other then 'hit her' is difficult when your mind isnt working well. Its best to have these alternatives to hitting in place, and perhaps practiced with role playing ahead of time. That way your son knows already what a more appropriate reaction is to his frustration instead of hitting.

I'm not saying you fall into this category, but many parents spend so much time focusing on what the child shouldn't do that they forget to tell the child what they should do instead. Saying 'play nice with your sister' doesnt really help when he is frustrated and cant think straight. 'Play nice' is rather vague and unhelpful. Telling your son what is a good way to release his feelings is a much better approach. Perhaps you could have a pillow set up for him to hit when he is angry, or get him a video game that he can take his aggression out on. He may be a bit young to play Halo, but it might work better when he is older. Provide him a list of alternative acceptable actions to use when he is upset. Teach him the importance of restraint, and encourage him to remain calm even when things dont go according to plan. The idea here is simply to reduce his desire to hit his sister from an 8 to a 4 by giving him alternatives. Combined with a good reward system, and you can see clearly that 6 > 4, thus your son wont hit her.

Keep in mind that your son is young, at 4 years of age, hitting siblings is to be expected. You can't reasonably think that he will have complete impulse control at such a young age. I'm not saying you shouldn't work with him to increase his impulse control, that is definitely a worthwhile expenditure of both your time. I'm simply saying that you shouldn't panic at immature behavior, especially since his condition results in delayed development.

And lastly #3
This really doesnt apply in this case, because your son is capable of not hitting his sister. This applies more to situations where you are trying to get your son to do something like socialize for 8 hours each day. That's when you run into problems of being mentally incapable of the requested task. I just thought I would put it in here for future reference.

As always I must provide the generic advice. Growing up isnt easy, especially for those who are different. Try to work with your son in a cooperative manner to explore better alternatives to poor behavior. Working with your child usually provides much better results then working against the child and trying to 'tame' them. You may be doing most of the leading at such a young age, but keep in mind that the idea is teaching your child, and leading him, not dragging him against his will.

Thanks again for your replies...

I have tried the Time out strategy, but unfortunately it only made DS’s behaviour escalate. I would put him in his room and leave the door open. There was a point where I was popping him in there more than hourly. I tried this for a week here and there and the behaviour had definitely worsened during those weeks, so I stopped.

He also seeks out attention at times even if it’s through bad behaviour as he’ll have a smile on his face when he knows he’s done wrong... Despite the fact that he gets plenty of his parents attention throughout the day and evening when DD is in bed.

I’ve even tried ignoring bad behaviour as well...again to no avail.

I feel that I’m having to come up with different strategies constantly but am running out of ideas, so I really appreciate everyone’s input here.

Tracker! !

I’m really blown away by your huge post. Thank you SO very much for your time in writing it...and a good read it was indeed, I’m really impressed at your ability to write and the intelligent context of it... I hope you're studying child psychology and not wasting your talents
I’m sure many will gain a lot out of reading it. You are absolutely right with what you have said here.

Often I’m too focused on defusing DS’s behaviour and what the kids are doing in general among other house duties during the day, that i don’t have a lot of head space to think clearly about ways to combat the bad behaviour hence posting on here.
I’ve tried some of what you have suggested. I usually say to him “Don’t hit your sister, we do not hit when we are angry...it hurts... If she is doing something that you don’t like don’t hit, call Mummy and I’ll sort it out”.

However I possibly get slack from time to time saying this each and every time now as I’ve felt it’s not sinking in and is frustrating saying the same thing over day in day out to no apparent avail... I’m also focused on making sure DD is ok at the time, so occasionally I’ll just say “Don’t hit it hurts say sorry”. So yeah I’m a little guilty at not being as consistent as I have been in the past.

I did use the “Count to ten” strategy (mostly when travelling in the car) They’d have a screaming match between them. The counting only worked for a short period ... but looking back now he would have been in too much pain and pure frustration hence it not working for him. This was going back before I realised that he was on the spectrum too, so as you suggest the ear muffs will be a much better strategy for that issue!

I might even look at getting him a big drum to hit or a whistle to blow (something that’s not too annoying for him) . .I’ll see if I can get him to take a little stroll around the house to diffuse the anger as you suggested.

I had made an expressions chart using simple pictures of different facial expressions which I stuck to the family room wall and tried teaching him to run and point to the angry face when he felt angry and wanted to hit ...but that didn’t work either! I might keep at it again.

I have also thought about using a pillow for him to punch when he got angry and wanted to hit, but I was worried that it was sending the message that it’s still ok to hit? What are your thoughts? Maybe I should get him to yell in it instead... (god knows that works for me on the rare occasion LOL)

All in all, you have given me some really helpful suggestions here so I have a few more strategies to try out.. ..
Again Thank you SO much!! !

Sorry, but I am wasting my talents as a mechanical engineer. Although I am helping a nut and bolt get over their separation anxiety...

Any ways, if you have some time, you might want to read a book called 'the explosive child'. I'm not sure it fits your situation exactly, but it might be helpful. It deals with children who have difficulty coping and coming up with alternative strategies when they are stressed out. I don't know if that is your son's problem, but it only takes 2 hours to read, and provides useful insight to try.

Also, you asked about setting up a pillow to hit. Yes, it is definitely a good thing. All to often parents (mostly mothers) want their children to display absolutely no anger or aggression, and just keep it bottled up inside. This doesnt work, he needs a relief valve to get his aggression out. You dont want to teach him to keep it in, that just leads to explosions. Instead, you need to teach him alternative proper ways to let it out, such as hitting a pillow. Make it as clear as you can what is and isnt acceptable ways to release frustration. Hitting your sister is a no no. Hitting a pillow is fine. It should be easy enough for your son to tell the difference between a living object and a pillow. Perhaps you can give him some cheep things to destroy, such as breaking cheep pencils or crumpling up and ripping paper. But expecting him to bottle it up indefinitely isnt a good idea.

Try giving him a multitude of options to try when he is angry. If he is like me then he finds verbal communication hard at times, especially when he is wound up or frustrated. As such going to you for help wont do much because he cant get the words out, which only leads to more frustration. Giving him more then 1 'escape route' for his feelings of frustration is a good thing. And as odd as it may seem, try working things through, and role playing a bit with him. For example:

You: ok, Im going to pretend to be your sister, lets play a game.
*plays game*
You: Now, if I take your toy, how does that make you feel?
Son: My toy! Dont take that!
You: Your feeling angry, dont worry, thats a perfectly normal reaction. Try one of the things we talked about, such as hitting the pillow
*son hits pillow*
You: common, get that pillow! show it who's boss!
*son hits pillow more*
You: that make you feel better?
Son: yeah
You: see, thats being a good boy. I'm very proud that you dealt with your anger in an appropriate manner.

As always, the idea is too work cooperatively with your son to find solutions that work for him, thus reducing his desire to do things like hit his sister. This combined with a reward program of your choice is usually a good place to start.

Double post

Wow that's very impressive! Great!



A good comedian too!

Well we did a bit of "role playing" this morning, and I arranged a special "wiggles" cushion for DS... I've called it the punch buggy pillow, and explained to him what it was for. He was rather impressed with it and thought it was funny! I told him he could also scream in it whenever he felt like screaming too. Amazingly enough... He didnt need to use it all day as he never even laid a hand on DD So we had a really good day!

I've also ordered the book "the explosive child" that you mentioned. I'll be able to pick it up in around a weeks time. I'm really looking forward to reading it. Thanks for the suggestion, and again for your words of wisdom Bless your heart!

have you tried any sort of behavior chart ?.....you could talk to him about goal setting ( yes, i know he's only 4, but you're looking for ideas.... )..........you could set a goal of decreasing his instances of hitting/increasing his appropriate behavior. every time he behaves appropriately, he gets a sticker on a chart. once he builds up to a pre-determined number of stickers, then he receives a pre-determined prize.

Thanks Ster

I did a rewards chart some time ago and I must admit that it did help for a short time then he got bored of it!

I'll try something similar again. Hey even if it gives me 2 weeks, it's better than nothing!


I tell you though its really hard to break the hitting habit. I'm still persisting though.

He'll be starting early intervention soon, so I'm sure that will be of great value

I'm also picking up my book tomorrow from the book store "The explosive child" ... Can't wait to read it! I'm sure it can only be of benefit.

If anyone else has recommended reading material, I'd love to hear your suggestions!