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robo37
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 07, 2009
Age: 15
Posts: 308
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 Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:51 am Post subject: Limerence |
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence
I have recently heard about limerence on Wikipedia and it seems to match me quite well. Has anyone else felt it? How many people have you felt it towards? How long did you feel it for? Did it end in a happy ending? How many symptoms of it did/do you feel? Do you think there is a link between AS/autism and Limerence? Do you think it’s stronger for one particular gender?? |
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Pugly
Man-child diligently becoming a Dude, man
Joined: Jan 10, 2005
Age: 27
Posts: 2807
Location: Wisconsin
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 3:03 am Post subject: |
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It seems like I find someone to go through the tribulations of limerence with about once a year.
The last couple of times they even reciprocated a little at first. It's the happiest I've felt... then they ended it... and it came crashing down as fast as it started.
I even played with the idea of exploring an attached non amorous but very very close friendship idea.... because I wanted to be extra close to someone.
The highs and lows that end with a void have really put a damper on my ability to care anymore... every time I get that limerent feeling again I sort of suppress it because it ends in heartache every single time.
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laura123
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Mar 17, 2009
Posts: 51
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 3:21 am Post subject: |
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It happened to me once when I was very young 15-16 yo, he was 18. It lasted for about a year. Never had the courage to talk to the guy  . He was a very good friend of my best girlfriend. I had a lot of fantasies about him  . I gave up when he got involved with an older (20 yo) very atractive girl. |
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KarmicPyxis
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 28, 2009
Posts: 96
Location: A Very Remote Place In The Southern Hemisphere
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 3:24 am Post subject: |
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I don't get the difference between limerence and infatuation?
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Not all who wander are lost... |
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poopylungstuffing
doh-skoh-bee-doh
Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Age: 34
Posts: 6415
Location: Super Happy Fun Land, TX
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makuranososhi
Purple Monkey Dishwasher
Joined: May 13, 2008
Posts: 4737
Location: Transitional
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 11:21 am Post subject: |
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Karmic - I think it is intensity; the degree to which the thoughts are intrusive, the level of romantic obsession. One can be passingly infatuated... it appears that limerence is at a different place on that spectrum.
M.
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billsmithglendale
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 18, 2008
Posts: 643
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 11:30 am Post subject: |
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Limerence is a b*tch. I always seem to get it, even when I'm happily in a relationship (or happily married). There will always be at least one person I start to focus on too much and who, against my better judgment or wishes, start to crush on intensely. Maybe this is an Aspie thing.
I'm not a hard-core Aspie (never diagnosed, but have some family traits that lean that direction), but at my current job, I have my first-ever crush on another Aspie. Physically, she's everything I like (relatively tall, thin, Chinese-ancestry), but our personalities don't click at all, and she's clearly either Aspergers or something similar, based on her behavior and the way she reacts to things. Our personalities don't click, she doesn't like me very much, and I don't even want any relationship trouble right now (very happy in my marriage), but I can't keep my eyes off her for the past year, and I've had two dreams about her this week. I do really like her smile, and some part of me fantasizes about taking her in my arms (and other things), but it's unrealistic and not anything that should happen. I even like her bad dressing and physical flaws. If that's not Limerence, I don't know what is.
I'll say it again, limerence is a b*tch, and we Aspies might be especially susceptible.
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ToadOfSteel
Unlovable
Joined: Sep 24, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 4911
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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| billsmithglendale wrote: | | Limerence is a b*tch. I always seem to get it, even when I'm happily in a relationship (or happily married). There will always be at least one person I start to focus on too much and who, against my better judgment or wishes, start to crush on intensely. Maybe this is an Aspie thing. |
I don't get feelings of limerence that much... but then again, I'm physically incapable of feeling attraction of any kind to a woman I don't know... Maybe limerence is a necessary trait to actually building relationships? Because I can't feel it, I can't go on dates with women I'm not attracted to (at least without appearing incredibly awkward, even by aspie standards), and by the time I do feel attracted, the window of opportunity has already passed...
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My life: Making "your best" not good enough since 1988 |
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Orbyss
Pending...
Joined: Feb 20, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 1176
Location: Arbitrary, NM
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 3:56 pm Post subject: |
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I almost never feel it on any level unless I dream of the person and/or they're somehow perfect for me. And yes, it always ends in brutal heartbreak.
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"So frightening to lose yourself. To lose your will to the group will. To lose yourself to the group self." |
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MONKEY
Mermaid fanatic
Joined: Jan 04, 2009
Age: 16
Posts: 2314
Location: The moon
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 4:30 pm Post subject: |
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Limerence is too much of a familiar thing for me, I hardly ever just "fancy" someone it's nearly always ends up limerence.
I'd say limerence is between fancying and love. My closest friend I love in both a friend way and more. And one of my other friends I am on the verge of limerence with. I prefer the emotions I get from loving my best friend than I do limerence-ing my other friend.
Love is so much nicer, especially when I feel I get enough back.
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... Maybe he thought you were ugly |
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KarmicPyxis
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 28, 2009
Posts: 96
Location: A Very Remote Place In The Southern Hemisphere
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 4:39 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the clarifications, folks. I really like this board and the people here. Good thing I've got months to go (and little to actually do unless there's a disaster down here!) before my return to "the world" and the extremely small town that we live in in Alaska. I'm sure I'll still be "around" here in the future, but once I get back home I am planning on disappearing into the Chugach for close to a month (after appropriate time with wife/kids, of course!).
Anyhow...
Upon reflection, I can see that I have had at least 4 episodes of "limerence" between the ages of 16 and 42 (present age). I don't think --at least in my case-- that gradeschool stuff should "count," otherwise there'd be a couple more at least.
Of the four major episodes, one actually went somewhere (during a period when my wife and I were separated) and could probably have been a lasting lifelong union. A tempestuous one---we are/were entirely too much alike--but lifelong.
One of the others definitely could have gone somewhere if we weren't both already married, though in what is apparently classic limerence fashion, she may or may not have been 'thinking what I was thinking' at the time. But the dreams I used to have about her were soooooo sweet.
Another of the limerences couldn't have gone anywhere, at least not lasting, since she and I used to sit and talk for hours and hours on my bed or hers. We both marveled at how much we were in love with each other, but didn't feel compelled at all to do anything about it. I'm damned sure (looking back) that she was an Aspy like me.
The fourth...was my terrifying high school disaster relationship. Even to this day it is probably one of the cornerstones of Aspy manifestation in my life. Picture Ms Popular Valedictorian Prom Queen sitting next to "frozen mute Aspy boy" (though in my defense, I was actually co-Valedictorian, a class officer, and captain of a varsity sports team...but that's because when there's "context" I can manage to function!) for hours in complete silence. Didn't last long, I can tell you! Even now I can feel myself cringing as I recall certain specific incidents with her. Yikes! I laugh about it now...but hoo-boy was it B-A-D!
Anyhow..interesting topic. I think that limerences are probably a bigger feature of Aspy life perhaps because we are so notorious for social incompetence that we spend a lot of time in some sort of semi-valid "fantasy land" that as often as not could actually pan out if we had the skills/courage to do something about the circumstances and navigate the normal rapids that go with relationships.
I know for sure that the reason my wife and I are together is because despite all of the dissonance between us, by getting married at such a relatively young age (19) we have basically grown up together and lived more than half of our lives together. Makes for a lot of "can't really remember much life without one another" mortar and brick construction.
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billsmithglendale
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 18, 2008
Posts: 643
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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| ToadOfSteel wrote: | | billsmithglendale wrote: | | Limerence is a b*tch. I always seem to get it, even when I'm happily in a relationship (or happily married). There will always be at least one person I start to focus on too much and who, against my better judgment or wishes, start to crush on intensely. Maybe this is an Aspie thing. |
I don't get feelings of limerence that much... but then again, I'm physically incapable of feeling attraction of any kind to a woman I don't know... Maybe limerence is a necessary trait to actually building relationships? Because I can't feel it, I can't go on dates with women I'm not attracted to (at least without appearing incredibly awkward, even by aspie standards), and by the time I do feel attracted, the window of opportunity has already passed... |
Don't worry, it's no loss -- limerence tends to almost always be unrequited for me. That's sort of the pain in the ass of it all -- it has you obsessing on someone who either isn't worth it, not interested, not a good idea, or some combination of the three. In some cases it has gotten in the way of work, or made me do things I regretted later and that hurt my reputation or loved ones. This latest one bugs me especially because the person seems so weird and averse to my company. She just isn't comfortable around me, and it hurts to crush on someone who either clearly doesn't like me or is so maladjusted that she can't even be nice to me if in fact she does like me. Having opened my big mouth to coworkers early on, I'm reasonably sure she heard through the grapevine that I find her cute, so that probably doesn't help
If you can escape this kind of thing, consider yourself lucky. And maybe it's a good thing that you aren't so superficial, since your standards include liking them as a person and not just jumping at the first pretty girl you see. |
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billsmithglendale
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 18, 2008
Posts: 643
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 6:31 pm Post subject: |
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| KarmicPyxis wrote: | Thanks for the clarifications, folks. I really like this board and the people here. Good thing I've got months to go (and little to actually do unless there's a disaster down here!) before my return to "the world" and the extremely small town that we live in in Alaska. I'm sure I'll still be "around" here in the future, but once I get back home I am planning on disappearing into the Chugach for close to a month (after appropriate time with wife/kids, of course!).
Anyhow...
Upon reflection, I can see that I have had at least 4 episodes of "limerence" between the ages of 16 and 42 (present age). I don't think --at least in my case-- that gradeschool stuff should "count," otherwise there'd be a couple more at least.
Of the four major episodes, one actually went somewhere (during a period when my wife and I were separated) and could probably have been a lasting lifelong union. A tempestuous one---we are/were entirely too much alike--but lifelong.
One of the others definitely could have gone somewhere if we weren't both already married, though in what is apparently classic limerence fashion, she may or may not have been 'thinking what I was thinking' at the time. But the dreams I used to have about her were soooooo sweet.
Another of the limerences couldn't have gone anywhere, at least not lasting, since she and I used to sit and talk for hours and hours on my bed or hers. We both marveled at how much we were in love with each other, but didn't feel compelled at all to do anything about it. I'm damned sure (looking back) that she was an Aspy like me.
The fourth...was my terrifying high school disaster relationship. Even to this day it is probably one of the cornerstones of Aspy manifestation in my life. Picture Ms Popular Valedictorian Prom Queen sitting next to "frozen mute Aspy boy" (though in my defense, I was actually co-Valedictorian, a class officer, and captain of a varsity sports team...but that's because when there's "context" I can manage to function!) for hours in complete silence. Didn't last long, I can tell you! Even now I can feel myself cringing as I recall certain specific incidents with her. Yikes! I laugh about it now...but hoo-boy was it B-A-D!
Anyhow..interesting topic. I think that limerences are probably a bigger feature of Aspy life perhaps because we are so notorious for social incompetence that we spend a lot of time in some sort of semi-valid "fantasy land" that as often as not could actually pan out if we had the skills/courage to do something about the circumstances and navigate the normal rapids that go with relationships.
I know for sure that the reason my wife and I are together is because despite all of the dissonance between us, by getting married at such a relatively young age (19) we have basically grown up together and lived more than half of our lives together. Makes for a lot of "can't really remember much life without one another" mortar and brick construction. |
I'm not sure if those are episodes of limerence -- maybe they technically are, but in your cases, there's actually something two-way about it (they like you too), which is different than the one-way crushes a lot of Aspies here suffer from. Aside from marrying a bit too young (which I did too, so it's comforting to see you have had some of the same issues with the relationship and straying), it sounds like you have things pretty good, woman-wise. |
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Butterflair
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 06, 2008
Posts: 367
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 8:19 pm Post subject: |
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I am limerent now and have been for almost 4 years this time. I've realized that I've always been that way, I can trace it back to when I was younger. Most of the time it passes within a couple of years or gets passed on to someone else. It's usually unrequited or it starts off with a mutual interest and goes bad from there. I don't remember the despair being as bad as it gets now.
I am NT so it happens to all of us.
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No matter what your age, you don't need to change the world to find love, sometimes all that has to change is you. Be open to the possibilities. |
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Orbyss
Pending...
Joined: Feb 20, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 1176
Location: Arbitrary, NM
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| Posted: Fri May 01, 2009 12:55 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I don't remember the despair being as bad as it gets now. |
God. Yes.
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"So frightening to lose yourself. To lose your will to the group will. To lose yourself to the group self." |
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