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nomnom_hamster
Sea Gull
Joined: Dec 08, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 205
Location: USA
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 11:35 pm Post subject: |
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| LeahG wrote: | Well, I did it. This morning.
Physically, I feel fine. I'm exhausted though, I'm not sure whether that's from the enormous meltdown I had prior to the anaesthetic or the anaesthetic itself. I don't know if they'd have ever seen anything like that. Thank goodness I don't have to see them again, and thank goodness I warned them I have Aspergers and this could happen - I remember the nurse who was trying to calm me down explaining it to the anaesthetist that I have it and that'll be why I was having a meltdown, it made it much easier for them to deal with. Nevermind.
I feel kinda hollow. I don't know how I should feel. I just feel... nothing. But I'm incredibly relieved that I don't have to raise a child in circumstances that will put her at a disadvantage from the beginning. She'll be back in a few years when we're ready for her. |
I felt hollow afterward too, and the relief.  I think about it sometimes, but thats only because it was a situation in my life that is a big deal, even now.
You're probably tired tired from all the stress  |
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LeahG
Hummingbird
Joined: Apr 29, 2008
Posts: 21
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 1:27 pm Post subject: |
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I am.
You know what though?
(Sorry, really needing to vent).
The thing that I think I'm most traumatised over is the meltdown I had prior to the surgery. I very rarely do that in public, and never to the extent I did yesterday, it was the worst I've ever been. I was just under so much pressure and so much stress, and I warned them at the first appointment that I have Aspergers and to please let the doctors know as something like that could happen and I want to them to be aware of it, so they did... thank goodness. I first burst into tears when the first nurse spoke to me, but she calmed me down well, she was lovely. Then I froze on the way into theatre. I just couldn't move. I'd told them over and over I'm ok, but I get very, very anxious, and not to mistake my silence for calm. And then I sat on the bed and let rip, it just all got too much. I was screaming, crying hysterically, rocking, shaking, pulling my hair, rubbing my knees, rubbing my face, gasping because I couldn't breathe... it was so awful. I felt like my body just took over and all the stress came out and I couldn't control it. The anaesthetist was asking if I wanted to go through with it, and I did, I really did, and I said that. The nurse read the notes and I remember her going over to him and whispering that I had Aspergers, and then explaining what it was, and then her holding me and telling me to look at her and to calm down and it'll all be ok... but I couldn't tell her that looking her in the eyes was just going to make it so much harder. I think it was the total loss of control, not being able to control what was happening, and not having any real choice in the matter. It was just so awful.
Ugh.
I just haven't ever been in that situation before, and never with people knowing I have AS and that that's the problem. It was sort of a relief that they knew why, but I just felt really stupid and really small and like someone with a disability for the first time in my life.
I feel like half the exhaustion today is from that meltdown, rather than the procedure itself.
Just needed to vent. |
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MomofTom
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 06, 2006
Posts: 557
Location: Where normalcy and bad puns collide
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 8:49 pm Post subject: |
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Leah, this is the first time I have ever really read the memoir of someone who struggled with all of the options in regard to the timing of a pregnancy. Although I consider myself ProLife, I certainly have the fear of conceiving another child at this particular point in time. Mentally speaking, I don't know if I can handle another child. My faith in God, overall, is in one of those dreaded "valleys", and has been so for the past few years. The contraceptive frame of mind is at hand in my particular situation...so much so that my husband had a vasectomy. But you are right...nothing is 100%.
I feel for you, Leah. There are so many shades of gray with the option that has been made available to us.
_________________
Apathy is a dominant gene. Mutate. |
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LeahG
Hummingbird
Joined: Apr 29, 2008
Posts: 21
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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It's just not a fun time. But I can't dwell on it; it happened, it's in the past, it was crap but there's nothing you can do to change the past.
I really scared myself with that meltdown though. Really, really scared myself. To the point that I think I'm going to try and find a counsellor with experience in it... that's the first time this disorder has been overtly apparent since childhood, and I think maybe I need to face up to that and start dealing with my demons as such. It really bothers me that it happened so fast and so badly; I felt like I was a scared five year old all over again, and that's something I never thought I'd go through again. I don't know what a counsellor could do but perhaps just talking would help. |
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MomofTom
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 06, 2006
Posts: 557
Location: Where normalcy and bad puns collide
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 10:02 pm Post subject: |
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Any constructive outlet is a good one at this point. Being able to talk it out in a non-judgmental environment can be a huge benefit.
_________________
Apathy is a dominant gene. Mutate. |
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sartresue
Radical Aspergian
Joined: Dec 19, 2007
Posts: 2009
Location: The Castle of Shock and Awe-tism
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 2:38 pm Post subject: So scared, help |
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From another sister topic
My only sister,who is NT has had three abortions. I genuinely am glad she did not bring a child into this world, what with all her substance abuse.
My advice to her was only whether she considered birth control. She said she did not care.
Abortions are hard on the body, and can render one infertile. Just be careful. 
_________________
Radical Aspergian
Awe-Tistic Whirlwind
Phuture Phounder of the Philosophy Phactory |
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MsBehaviour
Toucan
Joined: Oct 27, 2007
Age: 35
Posts: 281
Location: Titirangi, New Zealand
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 9:13 pm Post subject: |
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You have shown great maturity and courage Leah to stick to your plans. Too many let the whims of fate dictate their lives. There is a right time for everything and only you know when that is. It's your life, your body and your decision. PM me if you want to chat about your meltdown as I know how it makes you feel. Total loss of control and very scary. But it took an intensely stressful event to trigger it, and you were with medical professionals, so don't give yourself too hard a time over it.
MsB XX
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AS MsBehaviour n. improper, wicked or immoral behavior. |
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