 
Support Wrong Planet!
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
whipstitches
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 13, 2009
Age: 36
Posts: 323
Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
|
 Posted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 12:28 pm Post subject: |
 |
|
This is a very interesting topic. I think that I have AS and my husband suspects that he may have it, as well. I would say that he most certainly does have AS.
Long story short (if that is possible), we still have marital issues that are similar to the issues that NT women are describing having with their AS husbands. Maybe a large component to the problems is gender? Women with AS do present their symptoms differently than men with AS. Also, no one ever said that all people with AS are like Data from Star Trek!! I would argue that we all feel a full range of emotions, we just suck at seeing those emotions in others and suck even more at talking about our emotions. This would cause problems with anyone!!! NT or otherwise!!!
Anyone have any comments to this idea? |
|
| Back to top |
|
lovecholie
Raven
Joined: Nov 14, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 100
|
| Posted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 12:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wow, your husband sounds like me in my relationship. If he's anything like me, I always end up feeling bad as long as it's evident that it bothers the other person. So let him know that he hurt your feelings. As long as you take a deep breath, and very calmly say so. At least, that's what my boyfriend seems to do.
I tell my NT boyfriend that life for me is like holding a really big heavy box. If something is on my mind and I need to focus on that one thing, anything distracting me will be a bother and seems extraneous. Get him at a time where he doesn't seem preoccupied. Hope this helps.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aurore
Dingo Lycanthrope
Joined: Dec 07, 2007
Age: 19
Posts: 1516
Location: Virginia Tech
|
| Posted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 1:50 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hi!
I'm happy you're so supportive of him. But I do feel like I should mention something.
AS is not an excuse for verbal abuse, if it is intentional. If you think your husband might just be a jerk (which is always a remote possibility) then you should probably get out of the relationship.
I have a lot of caring male Aspie friends; my dad is an incredibly warm and sympathetic father and a good husband to my mom; so I think insensitive behavior is a problem your man needs to work on. You shouldn't take it just because he may be a spectrumer
Of course, if he really is Aspie, it's very possible he does just have trouble knowing what's hurtful or detecting your feelings, in which case he doesn't mean to hurt you and does deserve to catch a break. (I know I have that problem myself!)
I just want you to be careful. I know we spectrumers can be great stressors on our spouses at times.
Love & luck!
_________________
“Evil? No. Cursed?! No. COATED IN CHOCOLATE?! Perhaps. At one time. But NO LONGER.” |
|
| Back to top |
|
2plus2
Emu Egg
Joined: Mar 03, 2009
Posts: 1
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 9:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello. I have soo much to say. My son 7 was recently dx with aspergers, adhd, sid, and language discrepensies. I am fighting for him in school. He will be the best he can be. This is not the "bad" part. I have been married for almost a decade; I always thought dh had add and was off a little. I would just say he missed common sense (him not anyone else so not to offend). Here are just a few examples: We got married, I found out he had been lieing about something, no guilt from him. We had 2 miscarriages and he did not understand why I was upset and he showed no feelings, not like one might expect, i.e. i have to go out of town go to your mom's. I could cry and he just looks at me. Our other son was very ill his first year, and I would be at the hospital come home, try to take nap, go back, while caring for our other son, and he would get frustrated at me saying everything is fine why are you scared or whatever it may be. After years of being told I was over reacting and emotionally being shut out and left to do everything except go to his job. He even signed up for law school w/o telling me while our son was ill, and I herniated a disc. Never home and couldn' see why this would bug me, but the most pronounced thing was when I was majorly depressed and I was in bed crying and he explained very non chalantly house I could kill myself, vividly with reasons why and not to do it a certain way. He does not get angry really he gets sarcastic or arrogant. A therapist even asked him how he could just ignore the needs of his wife and kids. He can't get it. I feel overwhelmed and lonely in our marriage. I can easily describe it as a roommate marriage, and in ways as if I am a caregiver to him although he has a good job.
Problem being, I can't stay in a depressed state of being, it's not good for our kids. My son needs structure and a warm nurturing, proactive environment. I need a connection with my dh. I am going to see a therapist to sort things out for myself...
I feel hypocritical because, I could and would never give up on my son, and I know this all exists, I am a teacher and work with special needs. My dh doen't get that there is an issue, he doesn't get how important the help our son needs is. He thinks our 7 yo should be able to say "crappy" and that if he's playing video games and has not eaten by 2pm, he must not be hungry. (I'm out of the house if this happens)... I won't ramble anymore, but I have a lot to think about and measure. thanks for letting me vent.
me
 |
|
| Back to top |
|
wyattsmom
Butterfly
Joined: Mar 31, 2009
Age: 30
Posts: 13
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 7:22 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I recently found this out too! It also explains so much. My husband claimed he was SO tired after our son was born and fell asleep. He tends to be neglectful and lacking in those types of areas, as well as a workaholic/hobby-obsessed, and we too have had our share of issues.
Also just found out our 2 year old son has it. It is so nice to know it, but like you, I also feel extremely overwhelmed. I just joined today...welcome! 
Amanda |
|
| Back to top |
|
semota
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Dec 14, 2008
Posts: 26
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 4:59 pm Post subject: Re: Just found out my husband has Asperger's Syndrome. |
|
|
| Jaxtapose wrote: | Hello,
I'm new to this and I am confused. I just found out yesterday that my husband might have Asperger's Syndrome. That would explain ALOT! We have been married for 3 years and we have a young daughter together. He has always seemed like a jerk who doesn't care. He has been verbally abusive at times and me too.
When I was in the hospital giving birth to our daughter he seemed annoyed and he kept saying that he was tired and wanted to sleep! I had no help from him and I felt so alone. This was just the start. He seems only interested in his computer and programming.
After a few years of his seeming neglect I started an online relationship with another man. My husband didn't like this but didn't really seem too upset. My Father said that maybe he doesn't love me. I felt so bad. We tried marriage counseling a few times but as soon as we left he would yell at me for some problems "I had".
Then last night he dropped a bomb, "I think I have Asperger's." Wow, what a relief in a way to know that he doesn't necessarily hate me but maybe it is just stemming from his condition??? I cannot do enough research on this topic as I want to know more so that I can understand him and help him in any way possible.
I told him that I was so happy that he shared this with me. I also told him that I support him 210%. I just want to start again with him so that maybe we can grow old together. |
Hm, I always wondered when I read posts like this... if the Aspie guy was such a jerk, why would anyone get married to him and have babies with him? |
|
| Back to top |
|
relieved
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 13, 2009
Posts: 5
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 13, 2009 11:42 am Post subject: thank you everyone |
|
|
I have just figured out that my husband of 25 years has AS, and it is the most tremendous RELIEF to have an answer to explain his behavior. Like so many people that have posted here already, I was facing the decision of leaving him because I just could not live with what appeared to be his self-centeredness and lack of empathy any more, now that our nest is empty and the issues are so much more glaringly obvious. Whether he is ever diagnosed or not, now I know that the only reason he does these things that have been so hurtful to me all these years is because he simply can not do any better -- unless hopefully we can work together to teach him skills that he has not been able to develop on his own. I know I need to adjust the way I ask for things I need from him. Knowledge is power!! I haven't seen much material posted about sexual issues, but that's been a big one for us; to me he seems to relate to me sexually as though he were 12 years old -- I don't feel like there is an adult, a full-blooded man to respond to, and that is a tough one. I just am so glad to hear all your stories, so I feel less crazy & alone  and I can't wait to find more insight and strategies to learning how to keep my marriage rewarding for both of us. Once again I can assure him I AM his "wife for life". |
|
| Back to top |
|
ASWife
Emu Egg
Joined: Jul 24, 2008
Age: 48
Posts: 3
Location: Wichita, KS
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 13, 2009 1:41 pm Post subject: Re: thank you everyone |
|
|
| relieved wrote: | | I haven't seen much material posted about sexual issues, but that's been a big one for us; to me he seems to relate to me sexually as though he were 12 years old -- I don't feel like there is an adult, a full-blooded man to respond to, and that is a tough one. |
Boy! Do I ever hear you on this one!! I've always had a struggle with my Aspie's approach to sex! He goes at everything like he's killin' snakes, and the bedroom is no exception  I have tried to explain things to him, but unless I want to explain every single time, it's no use! He simply doesn't get it. I miss tenderness and passion. I didn't like the way teenage boys approached me before, and I certainly don't appreciate the behavior now. I have lost a part of myself in this relationship and fear that I will never experience "normal adult sex" again. I try not to think about it and have pretty much accepted that this is my lot in life...
_________________
ASwife |
|
| Back to top |
|
Zola
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 17, 2009
Age: 47
Posts: 26
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 13, 2009 2:22 pm Post subject: |
|
|
As an Aspie woman, one of the things that really poisoned my relationships was that I was "expected" to "know" what was wrong.
I stopped taking "hints" at about age 15 because it was too much of a hassle and I'd usually guess wrong about what the hint meant anyway.
When I look at the good relationships in my life, what I see is people who will speak up in clear, simple terms about what they need. They assume that I have good will towards them and that I want them to be happy, and if something has happened to the contrary, they assume it's just a misunderstanding rather than my being "selfish" and "lacking empathy". They address the behavior, not my worth as a person.
I was fortunate enough to have a friend who is one of those "emotional geniuses", you know, the type that always knows the right thing to say or do? I know I had a lot of rough edges when we first met, but knowing him helped me to grow SO much, and it was painless because it was born from love and wanting to be better so I was the woman my friend saw--the best woman I could be.
But the reason he's an emotional genius becomes clear when we were chatting about the very subject some decades later. He said "you have *never* disappointed me".
In a sudden burst of insight, I realized that while it wasn't literally true, his willingness to see me as a person of good will and his firm knowledge that I did indeed care about him was enough to let us work out any problems that may have arisen. In my failed relationships, that was lacking--what I got was labels.
It might be something to think about. |
|
| Back to top |
|
ASWife
Emu Egg
Joined: Jul 24, 2008
Age: 48
Posts: 3
Location: Wichita, KS
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 13, 2009 4:56 pm Post subject: I could be wrong.... |
|
|
...but I think it might be easier for a female Aspie than a male in relationships because it seems that men would appreciate a less emotional female. Am I wrong??
_________________
ASwife |
|
| Back to top |
|
sinsboldly
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 59
Posts: 14253
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 13, 2009 7:26 pm Post subject: Re: I could be wrong.... |
|
|
| ASWife wrote: | | ...but I think it might be easier for a female Aspie than a male in relationships because it seems that men would appreciate a less emotional female. Am I wrong?? |
I have had three marriages and many long term relationships. The marriages were pretty good but my first husband died in Vietnam in 1970, my second in the Loma Prieta earthquake in 1989 and my third because my husband decided he needed to see other men.
I am an Aspie, full blown, but no one has ever accused me of being non-emotional. If anything, my emotions are on my sleeve and they all have a hair trigger. I can't recommend myself for marriage, not unless the guy was really social and had a life outside the home that satisfied his need for that sort of intimacy without violating the fluid bonding between the marriage partners.
so, no, being Aspie doesn't mean there are no emotions. It is more like each emotion is like a lake or pond with a different depth in different places. Some emotions are broadly shallow and then whoops you can step into a hole and be over your head with reactions before you know what happened. We even surprise ourselves.
Merle |
|
| Back to top |
|
bhetti
Phoenix
Joined: May 18, 2009
Posts: 864
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 13, 2009 11:59 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I'm newly diagnosed with AS and my husband has so many symptoms that we're sure he has it to (now the household joke is that he's more "high functioning" than I am because he can stay on track better than I) and we've had to learn so many things about communication and feelings in order to make it work. one of our key alerts is the statement "too much input" and it's worked out really well, even my ADHD kid understands that mommy is close to a melt-down if I say that and she quiets down, leaves the room, or lets me leave the room.
we had a big discussion today about the proper ways to communicate that we're staying out and don't plan to come home at a specific time, because he hates it if I say I'll be home "in a bit" and then show up an hour later, because passing time doesn't seem to impact me. now I get to say "I'm staying out and I don't know when I'll be back, don't wait up". he's also learned to tell me he's going to go isolate himself for a while instead of just walking out without an explanation.
I know life with people like us is hard, but my brother (also AS) pointed out that although we have a hard time with empathy, we're very compassionate toward those we care about if we can be made to understand how you feel. figuring out how to understand each other seems to be a major thing sometimes, a lot of work, often involving tears, but I've found it to be worth it. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Zola
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 17, 2009
Age: 47
Posts: 26
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 2:04 am Post subject: Re: I could be wrong.... |
|
|
| ASWife wrote: | | ...but I think it might be easier for a female Aspie than a male in relationships because it seems that men would appreciate a less emotional female. Am I wrong?? |
I haven't found it to be so. In my experience, they would *say* they liked it but get mad because I wasn't warm and nurturing enough... |
|
| Back to top |
|
Chizpurfle52595
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Apr 21, 2009
Age: 21
Posts: 74
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 4:24 am Post subject: Re: Just found out my husband has Asperger's Syndrome. |
|
|
| semota wrote: | | Jaxtapose wrote: | Hello,
I'm new to this and I am confused. I just found out yesterday that my husband might have Asperger's Syndrome. That would explain ALOT! We have been married for 3 years and we have a young daughter together. He has always seemed like a jerk who doesn't care. He has been verbally abusive at times and me too.
When I was in the hospital giving birth to our daughter he seemed annoyed and he kept saying that he was tired and wanted to sleep! I had no help from him and I felt so alone. This was just the start. He seems only interested in his computer and programming.
After a few years of his seeming neglect I started an online relationship with another man. My husband didn't like this but didn't really seem too upset. My Father said that maybe he doesn't love me. I felt so bad. We tried marriage counseling a few times but as soon as we left he would yell at me for some problems "I had".
Then last night he dropped a bomb, "I think I have Asperger's." Wow, what a relief in a way to know that he doesn't necessarily hate me but maybe it is just stemming from his condition??? I cannot do enough research on this topic as I want to know more so that I can understand him and help him in any way possible.
I told him that I was so happy that he shared this with me. I also told him that I support him 210%. I just want to start again with him so that maybe we can grow old together. |
Hm, I always wondered when I read posts like this... if the Aspie guy was such a jerk, why would anyone get married to him and have babies with him? |
Ohooohh, trust me, you have no idea how often that happens. Many of the nurturing types of NT women are often excessively forgiving and excuse bad behavior and attribute it to something external or to something THEY'RE doing, and they do EVERYTHING they can to make it work even though it's usually a hopeless case from the get go. My mom attributed my dad's immaturity and lack of displayed empathy to the fact that his mother died of cancer when he was 14 and that he was raised in a big family by a single dad. She just assumed he never had good role models when he was growing up, even though his father is very NT and empathetic. She honestly thought she could make it work if she just put enough time and love and effort into it, and she was DEAD F**KING WRONG.
Being an aspie myself, I can empathize both with the AS perspective and the NT perspective, because I grew up being a sort of translator between my parents, and even though I resent being put in that position, it did make me learn some important things about myself.
It's been said by others in this thread but it's worth saying again: HAVING AS DOES NOT EXCUSE EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM CHANGE, HE HAS TO WANT TO CHANGE. And by change, I mean learn certain rote behaviors and communication methods to work around the AS and finding a compromise between your needs and his. If he doesn't want to change, cut your losses and try to have an amicable divorce so you both can go live your lives the way you want to instead of making each other miserable. I grew up in a house where there was constant fighting between my NT mom and my AS dad, and even though the divorce was hideously awful because he made up ridiculous clumsy lies and caused trouble for everyone, it is so much healthier living without my dad in the house and I think he's happier too. |
|
| Back to top |
|
sinsboldly
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 59
Posts: 14253
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 9:31 am Post subject: Re: Just found out my husband has Asperger's Syndrome. |
|
|
| Chizpurfle52595 wrote: | | semota wrote: | | Jaxtapose wrote: | Hello,
I'm new to this and I am confused. I just found out yesterday that my husband might have Asperger's Syndrome. That would explain ALOT! We have been married for 3 years and we have a young daughter together. He has always seemed like a jerk who doesn't care. He has been verbally abusive at times and me too.
When I was in the hospital giving birth to our daughter he seemed annoyed and he kept saying that he was tired and wanted to sleep! I had no help from him and I felt so alone. This was just the start. He seems only interested in his computer and programming.
After a few years of his seeming neglect I started an online relationship with another man. My husband didn't like this but didn't really seem too upset. My Father said that maybe he doesn't love me. I felt so bad. We tried marriage counseling a few times but as soon as we left he would yell at me for some problems "I had".
Then last night he dropped a bomb, "I think I have Asperger's." Wow, what a relief in a way to know that he doesn't necessarily hate me but maybe it is just stemming from his condition??? I cannot do enough research on this topic as I want to know more so that I can understand him and help him in any way possible.
I told him that I was so happy that he shared this with me. I also told him that I support him 210%. I just want to start again with him so that maybe we can grow old together. |
Hm, I always wondered when I read posts like this... if the Aspie guy was such a jerk, why would anyone get married to him and have babies with him? |
Ohooohh, trust me, you have no idea how often that happens. Many of the nurturing types of NT women are often excessively forgiving and excuse bad behavior and attribute it to something external or to something THEY'RE doing, and they do EVERYTHING they can to make it work even though it's usually a hopeless case from the get go. My mom attributed my dad's immaturity and lack of displayed empathy to the fact that his mother died of cancer when he was 14 and that he was raised in a big family by a single dad. She just assumed he never had good role models when he was growing up, even though his father is very NT and empathetic. She honestly thought she could make it work if she just put enough time and love and effort into it, and she was DEAD F**KING WRONG.
Being an aspie myself, I can empathize both with the AS perspective and the NT perspective, because I grew up being a sort of translator between my parents, and even though I resent being put in that position, it did make me learn some important things about myself.
It's been said by others in this thread but it's worth saying again: HAVING AS DOES NOT EXCUSE EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM CHANGE, HE HAS TO WANT TO CHANGE. And by change, I mean learn certain rote behaviors and communication methods to work around the AS and finding a compromise between your needs and his. If he doesn't want to change, cut your losses and try to have an amicable divorce so you both can go live your lives the way you want to instead of making each other miserable. I grew up in a house where there was constant fighting between my NT mom and my AS dad, and even though the divorce was hideously awful because he made up ridiculous clumsy lies and caused trouble for everyone, it is so much healthier living without my dad in the house and I think he's happier too. |
every word you said could be said about a non alcoholic woman taking on an alcoholic man thinking that they could 'change him'.
It says far more about the woman's own issues in life than it does about the man the woman is trying to 'rescue'.
Merle |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
