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StillStorm
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 03, 2009
Posts: 26
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 Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 11:57 am Post subject: |
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You're right, it is all exhausting and I know trying to be normal rather than myself is counter-productive. I often wonder if I really know what is is like to be myself, having spent my life trying to be someone else. Trying to communicate who I am and how I feel seems too much for me. I can sometimes feel myself screaming inside when I'm feeling low, and even if someone asks how I am I don't open up to them for fear of not being able to communicate my feelings, or of being rejected, or humiliated somehow. I don't want sympathy, I just want to be able to share how I feel with others in a true and meaningful way. I find it hard not to resent that ability in others. While I know I have a lot of positive points, and in a way AS contributes to them - I'm intelligent, thoughtful, funny, and in good health - I still feel incomplete and empty inside.
Funny thing is on the whole I get on with people well, and I know people find me a nice person to be with - I have been told many times. I feel inadequate in almost every social situation and unable to communicate, or understand at an emotional level. I feel to be living behind a facade, wanting to be understood and connect with people but seemingly unable to reach out and be myself, content with my strengths and weaknesses, and not some bland phony. |
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marshall
Under the whirlwind
Joined: Apr 15, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 2776
Location: North West United States
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 3:03 pm Post subject: |
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| irishwhistle wrote: | | [...]That said, I have a heck of a time with the human race and avoid conversations because that scenario leaves me feeling like a liar, and because I find it hard to form a solid opinion of my own when I have so many others to contend with. This is regarded as not knowing your own mind, I believe, but I just can't draw a conclusion unless I have time alone to ponder the question. So in conversation, I tap-dance, mostly unwillingly. It's no wonder I want so much to get away.[...] |
Exactly! Being forced to improvise on the spot necessitates some degree of dishonesty, even if there is no conscious attempt to ingratiate. I simply don't know what I really think unless I'm given adequate time to ponder it. I believe that in most situations people don't really want to hear honest soul-searched opinions though. They like smarmy politically minded people who give an impression of confidence by being socially quick, even if most intelligent people can see right through them. The whole thing is absurd to me.
Last edited by marshall on Sat Jul 04, 2009 3:17 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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marshall
Under the whirlwind
Joined: Apr 15, 2007
Age: 29
Posts: 2776
Location: North West United States
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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| StillStorm wrote: | You're right, it is all exhausting and I know trying to be normal rather than myself is counter-productive. I often wonder if I really know what is is like to be myself, having spent my life trying to be someone else. Trying to communicate who I am and how I feel seems too much for me. I can sometimes feel myself screaming inside when I'm feeling low, and even if someone asks how I am I don't open up to them for fear of not being able to communicate my feelings, or of being rejected, or humiliated somehow. I don't want sympathy, I just want to be able to share how I feel with others in a true and meaningful way. I find it hard not to resent that ability in others. While I know I have a lot of positive points, and in a way AS contributes to them - I'm intelligent, thoughtful, funny, and in good health - I still feel incomplete and empty inside.
Funny thing is on the whole I get on with people well, and I know people find me a nice person to be with - I have been told many times. I feel inadequate in almost every social situation and unable to communicate, or understand at an emotional level. I feel to be living behind a facade, wanting to be understood and connect with people but seemingly unable to reach out and be myself, content with my strengths and weaknesses, and not some bland phony. |
Thank you! You articulated that so well. That's how I feel with everyone. Even family members. It's such a sad state of being. |
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Yashmeena
Butterfly
Joined: Jun 22, 2009
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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I completely agree with everything Marshall has said and/or concurred with!
Indeed, such a sad, sad state of being...
I am never able to be 'myself' (not that I even know what that is exactly, anyway) and it's often so incredibly soul-destroying. I wear the hijab, too (although I'm not sure whether this is a benefit or it worsens the case. It probably makes it harder to express myself, maybe). Being small makes expression harder too >_<
But, argh! How annoying  It's destroyed my ability to make friends with people. It's debilitating!
The only upside I can find is the ability to isolate oneself which allows you to concentrate on studies, work or whatever... Self-improvement, basically. Ah, the irony  (when this self-improvement can little be used to benefit others, which is of course the point of it, unless communicated in another way) |
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