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GossamerLights
Butterfly
Joined: Apr 19, 2012
Posts: 10
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 Posted: Mon May 14, 2012 4:10 am Post subject: |
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| McAnulty wrote: | 1- I sometimes have meltdowns. Not very often but if I get upset enough I scream and yell and break things and sometimes rock myself or pace around to try to come down. Even NT's use these techniques when we are overwhelmed.
2- I've never had to think about my facial expressions. They just happen and I can intentionally do them if I want as well even if the expression doesn't match what I'm feeling
3- I have a couple of the habits you mention, but I don't think they're considered weird. I often listen to one song several hundred times if I really enjoy it, I prefer crossing the street in the same place but it doesn't upset me if I can't, I prefer to sit on the same sofa in the same spot and will kick my boyfriend out of my place because I don't feel as comfortable in the other seats. Lots of people have habits like this, it's not unusual. |
I think your answers to their questions summed it up a lot better than mine. Mine seemed to ramble a bit. |
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minorshan
Emu Egg
Joined: May 18, 2012
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 12:50 am Post subject: |
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| jamieevren1210 wrote: | | I know that we are sort of short on nts here, but a question for nt girls. Do you absolutely detest skirts? |
Female NT here. I've been told that on my 5th bday I refused to wear the ruffled dressed my mom favored anymore. This was 1986. Don't remember it myself, but I didn't wear a skirt/dress again until I was 12, and even then for dress code reasons.
The point of that story was that while I am most dramatically NT (I've taken many types of tests that put me very heavily into that spectrum) I lean geek, and important to this, tomboy, but as an adult, not a lesbian. From my perspective, skirts leave me feeling vulnerable. I suppose it's the updraft. But it's also exposing m leg. I didn't much like shorts as a teen either. As much as I rebelled against skirts/dressed, once I became more comfortable with my body (comfort achieved mostly because I got into good shape) I found they reinforced and/or amplified my confidence, and thus, my enjoyment of them.
Where does all that feeling (shame or confidence) come from? I can't say for sure, but I'd guess it's a matter of realizing that the impression you make on those around you. Skirts can be quite attractive for guys, what with them getting to look at your legs and all. So, for the NT girl it's a matter of feeling you have something worth showing, or not. Specifically, I don't like my knees, and although I can be told and rationalize all day, I'll never like an above knee skirt.
When you're confident in what you're showing, and saying, with your skirt, it can be empowering. Of course that's only if you recognize the power of desire. I feel like many aspies may read this and think it's a goal toward manipulating people. But really, aside from the occasional pervert, I believe in the proper setting, that it's about realizing that no matter how you dress, those that choose to reduce your clothing choice down to a sexual preference are most likely qualify for sexual harassment lawsuits. |
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readingbetweenlines
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 29, 2010
Posts: 621
Location: UK
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| Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 1:01 pm Post subject: |
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| katwithhat wrote: | Question for an NT:
How do you instinctively know when it is your turn to speak? I sometimes feel I can contribute to the conversation but I never know when I can jump in. Then when I do, I 'info-dump' on the person. Is there some sort of unwritten rule of how many sentences you or someone speaks before you can speak? Or how many sentences are acceptable in regular conversation? Please help. This is the main thing I screw up when I can actually talk to someone!!! |
Turn taking is not instinctive although I guess it can feel like that because we can't as a rule remember how it was to learn to speak and to learn how to have meaningful conversations as a child. It is learned, and then becomes sort of ingrained knowledge.
It's not really possible to advise you to say this much , or this little etc as it all depends on context, what subject you are all talking about, and how many people are taking part in a conversation.
The main part is really to listen what's going on. Every "turn" should contribute something either interesting, or meaningful, or at the very least relevant. If you are discussing nuclear physics then it may be necessary to say quite a lot in one go, if you're comparing favourite foods then a one sentence contribution is probably enough.
You can take a turn if a natural gap has opened up because someone else has finished their point (hence the need to listen out for this). The gap will not be long, much less than a second. Or if the other person takes a breath you can sometimes jump in, but if they hadn't finished their point it may be best to prefix this with 'sorry to jump in here' so they won't be annoyed. Then you can speak for a bit but you may then want hand the turn back to the previous speaker:'I interrupted you earlier, sorry, please carry on with what you were going to say'.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes it might help you to openly verbalise the mechanics of turn taking, but if you did that all the time it would probably annoy people.
Not sure how helpful this is, it's a complex thing to have to learn from scratch, but it can be done. I guess information dumping is something to avoid in conversation, think of it as saving up smaller chunks of information which you can then contribute over several turns rather than running out of things to say after one long speech.
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Sempiternal
Is Standing Right Behind You
Joined: Feb 14, 2012
Age: 16
Posts: 8082
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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| Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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Question for NTs:
How can you guys tell whether you're butting into a conversation versus joining in a conversation?
People keep telling me to "join in" a conversation, but I can't seem to figure out a way to do that. Sometimes, I'll try my best to, and everyone just ignores me and keeps going on with their conversation.
A friend has told me that what I say can be really irrelevant or that I bring up my special interests a lot. I don't get it. I have another friend who's EXTREMELY irrelevant, and somehow, this friend finds her easier to talk to. She also tends to interrupt and ramble on about her own things too, but still, it's easier to talk to her than it is to talk to me.
_________________
"Magic is any sufficiently advanced technology." - Arthur C. Clarke
Your Aspie score: 155 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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readingbetweenlines
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 29, 2010
Posts: 621
Location: UK
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Sempiternal wrote: | Question for NTs:
How can you guys tell whether you're butting into a conversation versus joining in a conversation?
People keep telling me to "join in" a conversation, but I can't seem to figure out a way to do that. Sometimes, I'll try my best to, and everyone just ignores me and keeps going on with their conversation.
A friend has told me that what I say can be really irrelevant or that I bring up my special interests a lot. I don't get it. I have another friend who's EXTREMELY irrelevant, and somehow, this friend finds her easier to talk to. She also tends to interrupt and ramble on about her own things too, but still, it's easier to talk to her than it is to talk to me. |
I don't know whether you've had a chance to read my previous post which is just above your question, as I think it is somewhat relevant to your question too.
If people are ignoring you despite your making obvious efforts to join in a conversation then maybe they're just not very nice people.
Joining in a conversation means listening and then contributing something informative, amusing, interesting, or as I say above, at least vaguely relevant. Butting in is ignoring what other people are saying and talking over people when they haven't finished yet and hijacking the conversation for your own ends.
Just like joining in with an activity might require a period of observing what's going on, so does joining in a conversation, which requires listening before anything else.
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I have traveled extensively in Concord (Thoreau) |
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CanisMajor
Toucan
Joined: Feb 27, 2012
Age: 24
Posts: 271
Location: Miami Beach
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| Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 8:59 pm Post subject: |
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I have two questions for NTs.
When you go to party (or a large get-together that includes many people you don't know, like at a bar), how do you know what to do? How do you know who to talk to? I always feel utterly lost at parties. There's rarely any structure (beyond "open presents after cake" or "countdown at midnight"), and people tend to be spread out around the property. I don't know if I should be in the living room, in the backyard, in the kitchen, etc. I could sit down on a couch, but I feel out of place, like I'm intruding into a group of friends' space. Then when there's a conversation going on, it seems like the topic is constantly shifting, that many little comments that I or others make just get ignored as the talk moves on. It's like, what's the point of even trying to talk if half of the conversation's comments are ignored? I just feel like an idiot for trying to talk at all, yet it seems that everyone else is just fine and dandy with this structure. The end result means I might enter the party feeling hopeful and ready to socialize, but over time I get more and more discouraged the more and more I realize that it's just a group of strangers talking about meaningless, easily forgettable fluff. I then end up going home early (or sitting in the car for hours, if somebody else drove me), reassured of my hatred for parties and wondering why in the world I thought this attempt would be any different.
I also apologize if either of those questions have been asked before. I only read a few pages so far (107 is a lot!) |
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TMN
Emu Egg
Joined: May 31, 2012
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2012 12:40 am Post subject: |
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Im new and I do not know what the hell im doing
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TMN |
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sinkorswim5493
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 24, 2012
Age: 29
Posts: 28
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2012 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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| CanisMajor wrote: | I have two questions for NTs.
When you go to party (or a large get-together that includes many people you don't know, like at a bar), how do you know what to do? How do you know who to talk to? I always feel utterly lost at parties. There's rarely any structure (beyond "open presents after cake" or "countdown at midnight"), and people tend to be spread out around the property. I don't know if I should be in the living room, in the backyard, in the kitchen, etc. I could sit down on a couch, but I feel out of place, like I'm intruding into a group of friends' space. Then when there's a conversation going on, it seems like the topic is constantly shifting, that many little comments that I or others make just get ignored as the talk moves on. It's like, what's the point of even trying to talk if half of the conversation's comments are ignored? I just feel like an idiot for trying to talk at all, yet it seems that everyone else is just fine and dandy with this structure. The end result means I might enter the party feeling hopeful and ready to socialize, but over time I get more and more discouraged the more and more I realize that it's just a group of strangers talking about meaningless, easily forgettable fluff. I then end up going home early (or sitting in the car for hours, if somebody else drove me), reassured of my hatred for parties and wondering why in the world I thought this attempt would be any different.
I also apologize if either of those questions have been asked before. I only read a few pages so far (107 is a lot!) |
I'm an NT- and I also find parties difficult- only strong extroverts fully enjoy group socialising without any anxieties or fears.
At parties it can be difficult to know who to talk to- you are much more likely to get a more positive response from an individual rather than a group of friends. I generally tend to look for someone who looks a little uncomfortable, perhaps standing awkwardly in a corner or busying themselves with small irrelevant tasks like checking out books on a shelf or making an origami boat with their napkin!
These kinds of people are likely to be extremely relieved that they have someone to talk to, and will be more receptive and make a bigger effort to say something engaging, or to listen to you. Once you have spoken to one person, their friends may come over later, or you can try to include a further person into your conversation by asking someone standing around a relevant question that could introduce them into your conversation.
The above approach, I find much easier than trying to join a group conversation on my own- generally the conversation topics in group conversations are going to be dumb and meaningless- the person speaking needs to be quickly interchangeable, otherwise you end up with one person speaking for a very long time, and everyone else becomes a spectator, and the dynamic becomes unbalanced, and it stops being a conversation. Unfortunately, if people are discussing interesting things, it means the same person speaks for a long period of time, and hence wouldn't work in a group conversation (in a party context).
In a group scenario, people don't really respond to what is being said, because again, it's impossible to know who should respond, and what direction the whole group wants to move the conversation in, so again, the 'conversation' has to be directionless. If your comments throw the conversation down a track that people generally don't want to go down (such as, if they're too serious) then they will just ignore them.
In general I would agree that parties suck, especially if you try the group convo stuff- but Ive come to realise that if you can do the garbage conversation on a 1-2-1 basis with someone for a few minutes at first, you can quickly move it to something more worthwhile, you just can't start off that way.
I hope that helps! |
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Moondust
Phoenix
Joined: May 30, 2012
Age: 51
Posts: 1161
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 12:56 pm Post subject: |
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| readingbetweenthelines, I think I've observed that joining in / barging into a conversation is more welcome / accepted the more you're regarded as important to that group, and conversely. Rank in the group plays a meaningful role here, regardless of what and how you enter the conversation....or am I mistaken? |
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readingbetweenlines
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 29, 2010
Posts: 621
Location: UK
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| Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2012 1:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Moondust wrote: | | readingbetweenthelines, I think I've observed that joining in / barging into a conversation is more welcome / accepted the more you're regarded as important to that group, and conversely. Rank in the group plays a meaningful role here, regardless of what and how you enter the conversation....or am I mistaken? |
Dear Moondust, that's a topic for a whole new thread. Partly I agree, partly I disagree. It depends on the group, and for the purpose of practising conversational turn taking I'd be inclined to do this in a very small group, a pair or group of three.
If you have the time it's worth reading the very start of this thread. This thread is designed for questions & answer, rather than follow on discussions. Even so I felt you should at least have a short response! No hard feelings I hope.
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I have traveled extensively in Concord (Thoreau) |
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questionsgirl
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 11, 2012
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 2:53 am Post subject: Question for Aspies |
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Question for Aspies:
I've been dating an Aspie for a year and everything is going really well but he needs a lot of alone time. So, we end up spending very little time together. I know he cares a lot. So why doesn't he want to see me more than once per week? I want to understand why he needs so much alone time. Is it related to AS? Is there anything I can do to make him more comfortable around me? Thanks! |
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Toddster
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 11, 2012
Age: 38
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 10:00 am Post subject: It’s my first day on the site & my first post…..so pleas |
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I’ve joined the site out of pure desperation as I have run out of motivation/steam when trying to resolve the issues that existing between myself (a newly diagnosed AS male) & my fiancée (as an NT female) since we are clearly at opposite ends of the spectrum…and I have no idea how to close the gap!
I can’t stop being AS, she can’t stop being NT & with 7 years investment in this relationship, a young daughter (18 months) & more financial commitments that I care to think about! I can’t just run away an hide my head in the sand (even if it sounds nice for the short term) either & so I am faced with an “arh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my head hurts” moment. Thus I have opted to explore ALL of the other options that exist (even if that does involve what may sound like a pointless cry from help!) in the vain hope that someone in (or with experience off) a similar situation to my own may be able to help…..or offer advice?...as I am somewhat desperate.
So to set the scene:-
It was obviously that I was “a little special” from childhood, as although I enjoyed others company, I played happily alone for more time than I guess I should. I had many specialist hobbies and immense focus in specific interests as I grew up, even being described as gifted (a double edge comment!)…..and then I gained the dyslexic diagnosis badge at 11 years of age. Whilst this went some of the way to explain the difference I felt & experienced, it was apparent that something else was a play, albeit not clearly obvious at the time!
Fast forwarding 20 years & I’ve graduated from university with dual degrees, held a successful career as a formula 1 design engineer, enjoyed many life experiences & ended up with the life trappings that suggest reasonable financial success. Relationship wise, it’s certainly been less successful & whilst I have had my fair share of these also (mostly initiated thru internet dating) they ultimately have all failed for the same reasons……differences…& my apparently different personality traits!
Whilst current relationship is very different (being long term & not just a few weeks of fast paced fun), I fear its going much the same way & since being assessed for AS (her suggestion) EVERYTHING I UNDERSTOOF TO BE FACT, NOW SEAMS IN QUESTION?
I feel that I am no longer sure what actions to take, what’s normal & what’s not my fault but her’s……I am more confused than ever before & whilst I can accept that we don’t have great “emotional” communication…I don’t feel I understand how to address the issue I don’t need as much emotional communication on a daily bases as she does…..and this is (I believe) because I have AS.
So how the hell do you provide something you don’t find natural easy to provide? How does any AS person understand if the issue being raises is because of the AS person viewpoint or the NT persons view point? & how on god’s earth can I stop writing “war and peace” and get this blimming thought out on my head?
Oh yes…..hit POST & wait for a reply…
Thanks! |
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McAnulty
Toucan
Joined: May 09, 2012
Posts: 258
Location: Montreal
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| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 1:11 pm Post subject: |
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You know what, I'm NT and I think in most relationships it's hard to figure out who's to blame for different issues. The truth is usually no one is, relationships are just hard, they're just about compromise, and everyone is biased and thinks they're right! Instead of trying to figure out who to blame, it's more important to ask how you can both compromise to find a common ground. She wants more emotion, you want less, you both compromise to meet in the middle. You're not wrong for needing it less, she's not wrong for needing it more. You both have individual needs that are perfectly acceptable, but if you both try to get your way it won't work.
So to wrap it up, no blame, neither of you is wrong, everyone has different needs and what makes a relationship special is that both people are willing to compromise to make the other happy. |
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Toddster
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 11, 2012
Age: 38
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2012 4:21 am Post subject: |
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| McAnulty wrote: | You know what, I'm NT and I think in most relationships it's hard to figure out who's to blame for different issues. The truth is usually no one is, relationships are just hard, they're just about compromise, and everyone is biased and thinks they're right! Instead of trying to figure out who to blame, it's more important to ask how you can both compromise to find a common ground. She wants more emotion, you want less, you both compromise to meet in the middle. You're not wrong for needing it less, she's not wrong for needing it more. You both have individual needs that are perfectly acceptable, but if you both try to get your way it won't work.
So to wrap it up, no blame, neither of you is wrong, everyone has different needs and what makes a relationship special is that both people are willing to compromise to make the other happy. |
Thank you "McAnult" for the comment & taking the time to reply.......as i agree in what you are saying.... meeting in the middle is the goal & no one is to blaime. BUT it feels very "by numbers" and alien to be honest.
Any suggestions on how to avoid the same routines & questions...like coming in from work, asking how the days been, ask how the babies been etc
Thanks |
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MsNattyable
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Mar 05, 2011
Posts: 58
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| Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2012 12:50 pm Post subject: |
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Hi toddster 
I don't know if my bf has aspergers as it's not been diagnosed but he has some strong traits of it. Like mcanulty has said relationships in general can be hard to figure out who's to blame and a lot of times people are just to busy pointing fingers at each other.
As your girlfriend pushed for a diagnosis she most likely understands your issues, at that point I'd assume she'd have to be reasonable too. She can't expect to many things of you that may be your hardest issues.
And you know the whole "No one is to blame" ^^; Sometimes someone is to blame lol. But that's okay, it's good to realise hey I do "This" and it irratates the crap out of you, or hey you do "that" and it upsets me. Everyone has issues, for a relationship to work there needs to be compromise. Like you'v stated you can't change you she can't change her, but you can just learn by what works for each other.
How alien can it be, you love her don't you?You had a baby right? Maybe small talk isnt the great, that is usually the first thing to go in any relationship.
Why do you want to avoid those questions, how the baby is , hows work? Those are great things! I wish my boyfriend would do them. People really appreciate hearing those things, it feels like they actually care about how their day went.
You do things for her that you may not care to have back, maybe you don't care to be asked things, but as your in a relationship you'll have to do things for her. And she will have to do things , like maybe giving you time alone. Giving you a chance to put your head in the sand 
Maybe you can tell me what some of your issues are in a PM , If i can be a help I'll try |
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