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marshall
Under the whirlwind
Joined: Apr 15, 2007
Posts: 9202
Location: Western Michigan
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 Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 1:02 pm Post subject: |
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| willmark wrote: | I think men are missing out on a very important piece of their education that is supposed to be coming from their Father. Many guys are raised these days by single Mothers, most of whom do a marvelous job by themselves, but a boy still misses out badly by not having a Father in their life. Some who had a Father may have had a Father who is distant for whatever reason; he could not relate to his son, or whatever. I dare say most men have no clue how deeply wounding many seemingly, to him, minor behaviors can be to his partner. Why did my Father leave that out of my education? It's just simple how to lovingly treat your woman stuff. Why was that stuff left out of my upbringing. Trust me. These things don't just occur to most guys. Most get to discover from the school of hard knocks.
As to Feyhera's situation, I am not an MBTI INTJ which I am guessing her husband probably is, so it's hard to totally see from his perspective. Personally I have trouble sitting in the presence of a crying woman without being moved to cry with her, but I know from experience that it is hard to for me to know what to say when I know that the reason my wife is crying is because of something I have done, or failed to do. I try to put myself in her place and try to imagine receiving a hug from the perpetrator of her pain. What do I do, apologize? She has seen this in me before. Why would she think my apology would make any difference?
I also understand that everyone, even NT's are limited by the limitations of their own brain. Due to some of my own experiences, this has been personally demonstrated to me often.
I was given a little insight over the weekend by a friend of my wife. She was describing one of her neices that had been diagnosed as HFA, and she said that the neice would say these terribly blunt and cutting things to her friends and family, but she would not know that what she said was deeply cutting and she would get her feelings deeply wounded by the response of her friends. She could not understand why people kept getting mad at her. In her mind she was doing nothing wrong. She has no ability to perceive that her own responses to people's statements are the cause of her frustration. |
I have trouble empathizing with blunt aspies as well. I'm the type that comes off as awkward and shy (even though I don't see my true self as being that way). I have too much anxiety to risk getting into conflicts with people so I'm always questioning myself and asking "will this offend them" before I speak. I'm a conflict avoider, almost to a pathological degree. I've gone to aspie meetings expecting to find others like me yet I found that some of them made me very uncomfortable. Of course I've also run across NT men with a similar personality who made me uncomfortable. I don't think being "blunt" is either universal or exclusive to people on the autism spectrum.
If I try to put myself in the shoes of Feyera's husband what I imagine is feeling guilty that she is upset because of something I did. Therefore it's awkward to try and comfort. It feels too contrived, like I'm being forced to do something out of guilt rather than true compassion. The compassion might be there under the surface somewhere but the guilt overwhelms it if I'm being blamed for something. I might walk away because I'm unable to face someone when it feels like I'm being shamed into it.
But this might not be what's going through Feyera's husband's mind. It might just be that he can't comprehend why she would be upset and the lack of comprehension frustrates him so much that he refuses to be supportive. |
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willmark
Phoenix
Joined: May 14, 2009
Age: 63
Posts: 571
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| Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 3:04 pm Post subject: |
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| marshall wrote: | | I have trouble empathizing with blunt aspies as well. I'm the type that comes off as awkward and shy (even though I don't see my true self as being that way). I have too much anxiety to risk getting into conflicts with people so I'm always questioning myself and asking "will this offend them" before I speak. I'm a conflict avoider, almost to a pathological degree. |
This reply is off subject but I am a lot like you. At my core I am very outgoing, but the exterior often feels like the connection between myself and others is made of cold molasses. With most people I need to know them well before I am able to feel at ease with them. There are exceptions but they are uncommon. I do spend a lot of time wondering will this statement be taken wrong. My self talk when deciding how to approach a person is more about "Will this cause me to be rejected?" |
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marshall
Under the whirlwind
Joined: Apr 15, 2007
Posts: 9202
Location: Western Michigan
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| Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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| willmark wrote: | | marshall wrote: | | I have trouble empathizing with blunt aspies as well. I'm the type that comes off as awkward and shy (even though I don't see my true self as being that way). I have too much anxiety to risk getting into conflicts with people so I'm always questioning myself and asking "will this offend them" before I speak. I'm a conflict avoider, almost to a pathological degree. |
This reply is off subject but I am a lot like you. At my core I am very outgoing, but the exterior often feels like the connection between myself and others is made of cold molasses. With most people I need to know them well before I am able to feel at ease with them. There are exceptions but they are uncommon. I do spend a lot of time wondering will this statement be taken wrong. My self talk when deciding how to approach a person is more about "Will this cause me to be rejected?" |
With me I don't think it's rejection I'm afraid of. It's really a paranoia of not knowing exactly what someone else thinks of me and whether some unspoken conflict will cause tension between us. I have a weird personality where I'm passive most of the time but I also have the autistic tendency to fly off the handle when I'm under stress or upset. I'm both shy and unexpectedly explosive sometimes. Therefore most of my coping strategy is avoiding tension and conflict. I react very badly to being scolded or yelled at. |
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willmark
Phoenix
Joined: May 14, 2009
Age: 63
Posts: 571
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| Posted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 8:51 am Post subject: |
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| marshall wrote: | | With me I don't think it's rejection I'm afraid of. It's really a paranoia of not knowing exactly what someone else thinks of me and whether some unspoken conflict will cause tension between us. I have a weird personality where I'm passive most of the time but I also have the autistic tendency to fly off the handle when I'm under stress or upset. |
Oh. This is an autistic tendency? Hmmm.
| marshall wrote: | | I'm both shy and unexpectedly explosive sometimes. Therefore most of my coping strategy is avoiding tension and conflict. I react very badly to being scolded or yelled at. |
This is not an unusual trait or else I am unusual too. Avoiding tension and conflict used to be my strategy, but this approach can make one vulnerable to people who would take advantage. I have decided to work instead on my response. I now respond to being scolded and/or yelled at by going silent, which is also a rather passive approach, but I think it's an improvement on exploding in their face, which is a response my wife considers to be totally unacceptable. |
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