Aspie man dating NT woman: advice?

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CaroleTucson
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10 Aug 2009, 5:30 pm

This thread is kind of heart-breaking. Your girlfriend sounds like the dream girl for most men, and you sound like a sweet, gentle, caring man as well. Both of you are great catches! And yet, as you have noted, you have potentially very serious problems with your relationship.

I wish I had some magic words for you, but I don't. My automatic response would normally be ... communication and understanding. All relationships require them, but yours will require more.

I wish you the best of luck. I really hope you're able to work things out :)



DoeRoo
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12 Aug 2009, 12:43 am

My Aspie man and I are 16 months into our very wonderful relationship.

Reading your post touched my heart, because I know there is much that he feels that he doesn't express to me. The worries you expressed are likely very close to worries he feels too.

for my part, I try very hard to be careful with him and his boundaries while always being sensitive to my own needs and not "abandoning" myself as women are so apt to do. I haven't truly figured out if it will work or not, because sometimes I do feel very deprived of intimacy. However, when he comes out of his shell and pops up with an amazing comment, an unexpected kiss, or a beautiful poem, it is just so much more of a gift because it is so special! I am learning, and your girlfriend I hope will take the time to learn what you're all about too.

Obviously not all Aspies are the same, and there are different tolerance levels in different areas along the scale. Interestingly, I also took an Aspie test an found that though I am NT, in some respects I am more than average toward Aspie in some areas of functioning. Which perhaps explains why I "get" my darling and find him so touching and, in general, comfortable to be around.

I will say this: My guy makes ALOT of effort to meet me halfway. I am aware of his efforts and thank him consciously and regularly. We both find that gratitude and care are the key words in our relationship. And at the end of the day he is kinder, smarter, sexier and more generous than any NT fellow I was ever with!

Good luck.



NauticalCa
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12 Aug 2009, 10:42 am

mosto:

Quote:
How can you have "numerous" relationships with women? Having Aspergers? I wish I knew I would get stuck in


It's happened -- I can't rationally explain it, but it has. Bear in mind: I haven't had relationships that have been as satisfying as I'd like. There's a few reasons why I've ended up in a number of relationships, though. I'm a published writer and author by trade, so I've ended up with several circumstances over the years where I've found myself connecting with women over my writing. I wrote a literary version of how my two friends got together and fell in love for their wedding day reception. The document was distributed to a whole bunch of people. I ended up getting about 20 phone numbers/email addresses/Facebook friend requests from single women that day (men writing well about topics of the heart is intoxicating to women sometimes).

It's kind of odd how people with AS can penetrate something as irrational and emotional as love in a very lucid, meaningful way sometimes. There's other reasons too beyond my writing, mosto, but the point is that none of them have worked out into something long-term. And I blame myself for it often.

CaroleTucson:
Quote:
This thread is kind of heart-breaking. Your girlfriend sounds like the dream girl for most men, and you sound like a sweet, gentle, caring man as well. Both of you are great catches! And yet, as you have noted, you have potentially very serious problems with your relationship.

I wish I had some magic words for you, but I don't. My automatic response would normally be ... communication and understanding. All relationships require them, but yours will require more.

I wish you the best of luck. I really hope you're able to work things out


Thank you for the kind words, Carole. It's definitely something we should be doing -- communication and understanding. One advantage we have going into this is that she's the type to try to understand. She doesn't have a profoundly selfish heart, which is a good thing in a situation like this. We both have to try to move forward on this.


DoeRoo:
Quote:
My Aspie man and I are 16 months into our very wonderful relationship.

Reading your post touched my heart, because I know there is much that he feels that he doesn't express to me. The worries you expressed are likely very close to worries he feels too.

for my part, I try very hard to be careful with him and his boundaries while always being sensitive to my own needs and not "abandoning" myself as women are so apt to do. I haven't truly figured out if it will work or not, because sometimes I do feel very deprived of intimacy. However, when he comes out of his shell and pops up with an amazing comment, an unexpected kiss, or a beautiful poem, it is just so much more of a gift because it is so special! I am learning, and your girlfriend I hope will take the time to learn what you're all about too.

Obviously not all Aspies are the same, and there are different tolerance levels in different areas along the scale. Interestingly, I also took an Aspie test an found that though I am NT, in some respects I am more than average toward Aspie in some areas of functioning. Which perhaps explains why I "get" my darling and find him so touching and, in general, comfortable to be around.

I will say this: My guy makes ALOT of effort to meet me halfway. I am aware of his efforts and thank him consciously and regularly. We both find that gratitude and care are the key words in our relationship. And at the end of the day he is kinder, smarter, sexier and more generous than any NT fellow I was ever with!

Good luck.


Thanks, DoeRoo. I'm making a lot of effort to meet her halfway as well. I know she has needs that are important for her to have met. One advantage of AS is that it does allow for greater self-examination of one's feelings and their impact on others, because having a condition like this makes you question yourself and your actions a lot more. I feel we'll be able to meet each other on this if we both try, and I'm sure we will.



laura123
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12 Aug 2009, 5:11 pm

NauticalCa wrote:
It's kind of odd how people with AS can penetrate something as irrational and emotional as love in a very lucid, meaningful way sometimes.

My aspie hubby had a big interest on 'what love is' a few years back. He discovered that there has been research in the area and some hormones in the brain and some chemical reactions are responsable. He used to talk a lot about this :roll: , none of our friends apreciated having that spoild for them :lol: .