Question for the Aspie males that want girlfriends.

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Sound
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28 Feb 2010, 11:23 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
However, you do have to understand the viewpoint: If all one knows is rejection, how is any hypothetical "next time" going to be any different?
A very good point. That's probably the hardest part.
Honestly, it's a leap of faith. There's no way around that fact. There's no way to believe in something you cannot perceive unless you simply trust others' experience, even if it flies against your own.

I wish I had something better than that, as I am mostly not a man of faith. But if there's any value in the idea that I, and others, have found eventual success this way, then I hope it helps. It took time, and that in-between time sucked nearly as much as the time before, but I think it worked out pretty well. I can imagine myself a few years ago put into more recent situations, and imagine how things would have gone... :?

Well, I don't see myself making the same mistakes now. And I have been seeing more success as time goes on, as I deepen my understanding of others. I still make mistakes where I weird the other person out somehow(which I sometimes figure out like a month later) but not nearly so many. And I think I can directly relate that decreasing-rate-of-screw-up to my more recent ability to meet people (including women). I'm no Don Juan(... hah...), but I don't scare 'em away so bad. Part of it is simply the process of getting older, gaining experience naturally. However, I think that most of it was focused attention to the topic which, I think, has allowed me to improve much faster than I would've on my own. I can easily foresee someone improving faster than I did, if they put themselves in enough favorable circumstances and atmosphere, and push themselves.
I had favorable circumstances on my side - My sister and I are very close; she is very social, and helped to pull me along. I believe that if one looks hard enough, they can find some advantage to leverage, or create an advantage if they seize the right opportunities.

I'm not without my problems... I have serious f*****g problems. However, meeting and connecting with people(and women) isn't one of them anymore. Like any mountain, that one is surmountable. So there ya go, a window into me, if it gives you any faith and fuel for whomever reads this long thread.



Sound
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28 Feb 2010, 11:52 pm

therange wrote:
I didn't make those changes (more outgoing, getting the proper depression treatment, and caring more about my appearance) to conform or please anyone...I did it because I saw that my current way of life was not only not working, but also affecting the people around me - my family.
That's pretty cool. Heh, I definitely cared what others thought of me. I always have. Weening away from it, though!

And you raise a REALLY GOOD point: One's actions inevitably affect the people around them, whether intentional or not, in surprising ways. It's like planets with gravity wells, everyone has their own, and we all apply a subtle but utterly pervasive pull on one another simply by being near them. One part of that idea that had a huge effect on me was that we teach each other how to act toward us without even directly interacting with one-another. If we walk up to a stranger, we've already sent a myriad messages about how they should interact with us. Not just via clothes or body language either. But that's a whole separate topic... I suppose I oughta gather my thoughts on it and start a thread, unless someone else does. It has profound implications, once you start to see how your own subtle quirks and habits indirectly affect other people in seemingly un-related ways. I figured this out after going to seminar about communication(H.R. & boss thought I was a bad communicator).

therange wrote:
From now on, I will simply ignore Tim and Toad's posts. They don't want to change, are only here for attention and I'm just feeding into it.

You don't need to go that far. Since you know they get to you, just check yourself a bit. Anyways, since you also know that they're feeding off you, you can break that cycle. Your insights are extremely solid, and I've rebounded off your ideas quite a lot. I'd miss em. We can still be real, and you're good at that. Just moderate the tone a bit, eh?



therange
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01 Mar 2010, 12:29 am

What I meant is, I won't address Tim or Toad. If they're to change, it will come one of two ways 1.)They'll get so fed up of their current mindset that they won't ever want to look back, or 2.)They'll get hurt, go through a grieving period, hit rock bottom, and be forced to re-think things.

Either way, both are long-term projects, and they have to realize that and get rid of their "must have a girlfriend" mindset.

I will continue to give advice. Tim simply ignores it and the other advice given and just talks about his special interests. I'm guilty of just getting frustrated with him. Toad hi-jacks threads and turns the attention on himself. However, by completely ignoring what he says and continuing to give advice anyway and not get mad at him, he won't get the attention he wants.



Kilroy
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01 Mar 2010, 1:16 am

I finally figured that out, OP, and I thought about it
I don't really want a gf

I want sex but not a gf lol one learns as he gets to know himself better...
and I know what I want in life now



RossMc
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01 Mar 2010, 5:40 pm

Yes, attitude is important. If you see a girl that you like, work on making her like you. Thats all it takes



ToadOfSteel
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01 Mar 2010, 5:50 pm

RossMc wrote:
Yes, attitude is important. If you see a girl that you like, work on making her like you. Thats all it takes


with that attitude, you'd end up as a stalker at least... it's impossible for someone to make a woman like him... women either like you or they don't...



AlkalineGirl
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01 Mar 2010, 7:27 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
with that attitude, you'd end up as a stalker at least... it's impossible for someone to make a woman like him... women either like you or they don't...


True to an extent - you can't force someone to like you if they're just not interested or attracted to you but Sound raised a good point in response to my post earlier:

Sound wrote:
And anyways... Imagine if your guy were more physically healthy, would that not be more attractive?
If your guy were more socially comfortable, would that not be more attractive?
If your guy was in a better mood more often, would that not be more attractive?
Don't misunderstand, I'm not suggesting he change, or that he isn't an awesome person, and fine as he is. But there are always ways to help one's self more. Some of us NEED that extra boost in order to 'break even' socially. Proof of that is written all over WP.


I can see what you mean here, and these points apply to anyone looking to attract a potential partner but i understand why they would help give the extra boost. I'm personally not interested in guys that are in perfect shape with toned muscles etc but it is definitely more appealing when a guy looks after himself - just eating healthily, looking smartish and maintaining good hygiene are enough.

I guess I'm quite lucky with the guy I've met because, although he finds some social situations difficult and some people do seem to give him a hard time, he really does make the effort to be social and we tend to go out once a week to pubs/clubs. He does often need time on his own though, sometimes for a few days, which is where I make the effort to be patient give him space. Relationships definitely take work and effort on both sides!



sociable_hermit
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01 Mar 2010, 7:33 pm

Good attitude!


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therange
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01 Mar 2010, 8:34 pm

The original point of this thread was two things:

1.)Like Sound discussed, while there's nothing wrong with being autistic, improving what can be improved will lead to a happier you and your partner will like you more as well. Most women don't want to be around a guy that's always a downer.

2.)A girlfriend won't solve anything. I think what happens is, a guy goes through high school seeing other guys get girls with ease, girls that they have a crush on, and they get jealous and frustrated. It makes a teenage guy with hormones want girls even more. I notice that for the most part, the guys who are 25 and up on here are less needy and frustrated. That's due to a number of reasons. We've figured out how the dating game works, and had a little success, or maybe even a lot, and because we realize dating isn't the meaning of life or anything close, we're less needy...and even more likely to attract a quality woman because of that, and even if we're in a slump, we're still happy.

For the teenagers and early 20 somethings that are desperate to get a girlfriend or get their first kiss or whatever, I'd suggest taking advantage of living in the 21st century and using myspace, facebook, plentyoffish, okcupid, and the like just as practice. It doesn't make you less of a person to resort to the internet to meet a woman, as long as you aren't like some members on here who have an internet girlfriend from a different state or country. Meeting a girl for coffee or to hang out isn't a bad thing.



Last edited by therange on 01 Mar 2010, 8:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Kilroy
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01 Mar 2010, 8:42 pm

cam stuff is fun lol
but isn't a relationship
I went threw the learning phases
this site caused more problems then it solved though, and it does to many
they aren't told the harsh truth, they are coddled and told they're right
life isn't always nice and if their sheltered then they'll never learn

I want to embrace what I love and if I meet someone I click while doing it great
if not, I look elsewhere
I'm getting older and realize I can't do all this stupid whiny s**t anymore
I may not like having AS, but I have to live with it, others won't make you happy
only you will make you happy



Aspie1
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02 Mar 2010, 12:46 am

There's something that a lot of "aspie males that want girlfriends" forget, either conveniently or inadvertently. It's not about how much you like the girl, but about how much she likes you; plain and simple. The truth is, when it comes to romance/attraction, girls don't care how you feel about them, how long they've known you, or how much you've done for them. They may be nice to the guy because of all that, but they will certainly not develop romantic interest in him. Instead, he will be forever stuck in the friend zone as the nice guy. What girls really care about is how they feel about the guy. They'll also never do anything that has a baseball metaphor with a guy they're not attracted to. In other words, absolutely nothing beyond an A-frame hug (middles not touching) and/or a peck on the cheek.

Guys are different; they have an ability to overcome their lack of attraction if a girl shows interest in them. It's a pretty wonderful ability, if you ask me; hey, it got me my first real relationship. Tim Tex, Toad, et al., please reread the previous paragraph, and realize that you have the power that girls don't have. (I'm being motivational here.) If a girl, any girl, shows interest in you, you have the power to fight your natural "I'm not attracted to her" feelings, and have a relationship with her anyway. Some guys might respond with "but I want a hot girlfriend". "Get over yourselves", I'll tell them. When attempting to date a girl, always ask yourself: "what are my chances with her". If the answer is 50% or less, realize that you may lose to a more charismatic, better-looking guy. Be happy with what you can find, as opposed to struggling to get what you can't have.

Consider the "Goose Who Laid Golden Eggs" story. The main character tried to get more than he was getting, and lost everything. Moral of the story: if you found a girl who's interested in you (and there will be girls like that, just not the ones you may be attracted to), go ahead and date the person, instead of worrying about your feelings. It's a great feeling to know that there's a girl who likes you and that you can be with her and enjoy all that comes with it, rather than losing that chance due to reasons that aren't even that good. With all that said, never lie and say that you want a relationship when you really want a one-night-stand; that's just wrong. Never let your desperation undermine your sense of integrity. But if a girl shows interest in dating you and you're looking for a date, don't miss your chance. Start dating the girl, and enjoy the fact that someone likes you.



ToadOfSteel
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02 Mar 2010, 12:57 am

^

I agreed with you all throughout the first 2 paragraphs, as well as most of the 3rd one. I only dispute one statement in that entire post:

Quote:
(and there will be girls like that, just not the ones you may be attracted to)


In all honesty, there has only been one woman to ever demonstrate any kind of attraction in me: my ex. And no, I'm not one of those "needs specifically a hot girlfriend" type of guys (i've repeated this point ad nauseam and I stand by it). My ex wasn't much of a looker, but she became way more attractive when i fell in love with her. At least from my perspective that is :oops:

So, no, I can't enjoy the fact that someone likes me, because almost nobody does.



therange
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02 Mar 2010, 1:04 am

Well Toad's only standard is what you said, that she likes him, and it will land him a girlfriend eventually. The reason people get on him is just because a girl isn't a knockout doesn't mean she's going to like neediness and desperation.

Tim, he says now he isn't looking for a hot girl...but in the past he's stated that he wants a woman with a Jessica Rabbit type body. Maybe I was too harsh, but someone has to fill him in that he's not, and will likely never be the guy to get that type of a woman. Let alone the fact that he's unwilling to take the steps (be more charming and less judgmental, get better hygiene and wardrobe.) No one is telling him to stop watching South Park or not be religious...we were just suggesting that he make him more of a catch. Like you've said, even if you see a woman with a not-so-good-looking guy...either she finds him attractive or his personality is THAT good that it compensates for what he doesn't have physically. And usually those guys are extremely outgoing and social.

I also think it would do the Aspie guys that want girlfriends a lot of good to post on a dating site, have their best possible pictures, write about themselves in such a way that they sound like a neccesity...and then see how many women, and what type of women, respond to them.



Sound
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02 Mar 2010, 4:16 am

A ton of great information on this page. Nice.

therange wrote:
...write about themselves in such a way that they sound like a neccesity...
???



Hector
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02 Mar 2010, 12:19 pm

I don't agree with these sentiments. About half of my female peers and most women outside of my age group fall broadly under the category of people I don't find attractive and probably won't ever find attractive. Letting them down would suck, especially from my perspective, but for me it is better than leading them on and inevitably disappointing them later. That women are supposedly like that with men is something I can relate to.

I'll go so far as to say I think most men feel like this. It's broadly, and misleadingly, referred to as "standards".



Kilroy
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02 Mar 2010, 12:21 pm

well I think its a smart thing, often people fall for eachother later
a lot of guys with AS have their heads up their ass and don't understand how the real world works