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Metal_Man
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 04, 2007
Age: 45
Posts: 921
Location: The Gates of Babylon
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 Posted: Thu Apr 29, 2010 2:31 am Post subject: |
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| Esther wrote: | I wish I could go back in time to learn that my husband is an aspie from the beginning of our marriage.
We didn't find out/realise he has AS until after he abandoned our marriage. When we found out, I educated myself about AS and tried to get him and the marriage back, but he was having none of it.
I have healed little by little through the years, but you can't force someone to love you and no matter how hard you try, a relationship will only work if both parties want it to.
He is very open now to people he meets about his AS. What saddens me is his girlfriend now knows full well about his AS and can hopefully navigate their relationship to a successful one. What saddens me is I never had the advantage of knowing of his AS the way his girlfriend does now.
I desperately wanted to make it work. |
Same thing happened with my marriage. She wanted the divorce but tried to get back together after her sister committed suicide. By that time I wanted nothing to do with her. Once it's over with an Aspie, it's over.
_________________
Can't get it right, no matter what I do, guess I'll just be me and keep F!@#$%G up for you!
It goes on and on and on, it's Heaven and Hell! Ronnie James Dio - He was simply the greatest R.I.P. |
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Ichinin
Fried Emu with scambled Eggs
Joined: Apr 04, 2009
Posts: 1897
Location: A cold place with lots of blondes.
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| Posted: Sun May 02, 2010 10:05 am Post subject: |
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| SamwiseGamgee wrote: | Seriously?! I feel pretty dumb now for not realising that. On okcupid there are options to say you're interested in "long-term dating" and "short-term dating". I thought long-term meant you were trying to find someone to marry and short-term meant you just wanted to date someone but not getting serious too quickly. Why would I think that?! It seems so obvious now.  |
You feel stupid? I learned this when a year ago when i was 35!
And yes, i know there is a specific option for sex on OKCupid, but there are other sites that does NOT have that option and just the "short term dating" option...thing. Like i said earlier:
| Quote: | | If something can be misinterpreted, then it will be misinterpreted - if something can be interpreted negatively then it will be interpreted negatively. |
Remember that you cannot appeal to everyone, some will never be interested in you, no matter what you say in chatrooms, write in your profile - or look like in a picture.
Example: Angelina Joulie may well be the hottest thing on the planet (and she was SOOOO LUUVELY in "Hackers"), but i would still wouldnt go out with her because now she has kids. Everyone have their own criterias of what is acceptable and what isnt.
_________________
"It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring" (Carl Sagan) |
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bigboff
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 21, 2010
Posts: 25
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| Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 4:14 am Post subject: |
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| i hang around with girls most of the times and i sometimes liked some and about 3 times it as ended badly i seem to fit in better wiht girls as thye are nicer but i have hjad a crush on 3 difeernet ones over the years and each one has ended with the loss of their friendship i wish i could keep my mouth shut |
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bigboff
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 21, 2010
Posts: 25
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| Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 4:16 am Post subject: |
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| in response to my previous post i would like to know of any ideas of how to patch thigns up and what to do nexxt time so i dont lose them as a friend too i dotn have enough to lose you know |
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Gremmie
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 04, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 908
Location: England
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| Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 4:48 am Post subject: |
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| bigboff wrote: | | in response to my previous post i would like to know of any ideas of how to patch thigns up and what to do nexxt time so i dont lose them as a friend too i dotn have enough to lose you know |
How do you behave after you tell them? Also how do you tell them?
I find it easiest to remain friends with guys who suggest the idea in a very casual way, accept the rejection gracefully and go back to acting as they did before. It can still be a bit awkward to start with but you've got to just keep on behaving like friends, hanging out in groups (useful because this way there are other people to patch up awkwardness, also helps because she might feel uncomfortable about being with just you shortly afterwards), and hopefully just push through it. If she rejects you then don't mention it or hint about it to her again. |
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alana
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 22, 2009
Posts: 1015
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| Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 10:37 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't really know how to express this but as someone who has watched both my brothers who are socially awkward and have low self-esteem (one is definitely an aspie, the other more NT and just shy and unconfident) get with super hot walking nightmares, I will say, just shy of begging, please, please please aspie men do not get sold on looks alone, even if you are a virgin or have been a very long time without sex. Trust your instincts, and listen hard for the still small voice. Watch for dominant behavior that surpasses reason and ask yourself are you going to be able to stand being treated like a child in daily life no matter if the dominatrix type turns you on. If you are constantly being put down, realize it's going to affect your self-esteem until it's whittled away to nothing. Before you get married/ have kids, ask yourself how it will feel to watch your children being similarly abused and don't kid yourself, she *will* mistreat any children you have the way she is mistreating you. Thoroughly educate yourself on the characteristics and hallmarks of borderline & narcissistic personality disorders & if you pick up on them and she isn't turning backflips to become a better human being with DBT therapy, counseling whatever, then run, don't walk, in the opposite direction. Expose her to friends and family and really listen to their feedback. My brother was warned repeatedly, even on his wedding day someone called looking for him and talked to my mom and said 'this is the worst mistake he will ever make' and they were right. Now there are children who are going to have to suffer at the hands of these women their whole childhoods and my brothers will thusly never be free of relationship with them either. |
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alana
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 22, 2009
Posts: 1015
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| Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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double post..
Last edited by alana on Wed May 05, 2010 4:26 am; edited 1 time in total |
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eb31
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 11, 2010
Posts: 142
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| Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 11:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Esther wrote: | | I wish I could go back in time to learn that my husband is an aspie from the beginning of our marriage. |
I can relate to this sort of regret. I am so sorry you suffered it as well. |
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HopeGrows
Nobody's Fool
Joined: Nov 06, 2009
Posts: 1565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
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| Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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| alana wrote: | | I don't really know how to express this but as someone who has watched both my brothers who are socially awkward and have low self-esteem (one is definitely an aspie, the other more NT and just shy and unconfident) get with super hot walking nightmares, I will say, just shy of begging, please, please please aspie men do not get sold on looks alone, even if you are a virgin or have been a very long time without sex. Trust your instincts, and listen hard for the still small voice. Watch for dominant behavior that surpasses reason and ask yourself are you going to be able to stand being treated like a child in daily life no matter if the dominatrix type turns you on. If you are constantly being put down, realize it's going to affect your self-esteem until it's whittled away to nothing. Before you get married/ have kids, ask yourself how it will feel to watch your children being similarly abused and don't kid yourself, she *will* mistreat any children you have the way she is mistreating you. Thoroughly educate yourself on the characteristics and hallmarks of borderline & narcissistic personality disorders & if you pick up on them and she isn't turning backflips to become a better human being with DBT therapy, counseling whatever, then run, don't walk, in the opposite direction. Expose her to friends and family and really listen to their feedback. My brother was warned repeatedly, even on his wedding day someone called looking for him and talked to my mom and said 'this is the worst mistake he will ever make' and they were right. Now there are children who are going to have to suffer at the hands of these women their whole childhoods and my brothers will thusly never be free of relationship with them either. |
+100
@Alana, this is just solid gold advice. You guys should laminate this and carry it in your wallet - it's that important. Well done.
_________________
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
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Asp-Z
Clockwork Planet
Joined: Dec 07, 2009
Posts: 11016
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| Posted: Wed May 05, 2010 11:29 am Post subject: |
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| Never even consider maybe one day pondering whether or not to go back to an ex, no matter how good the prospect seems at the time. |
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alana
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 22, 2009
Posts: 1015
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| Posted: Thu May 06, 2010 4:24 am Post subject: |
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| Asp-Z wrote: | | Never even consider maybe one day pondering whether or not to go back to an ex, no matter how good the prospect seems at the time. |
I have done this so many times with exes and i am not with any of them, so it must be true. |
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JazzofLife
Deinonychus
Joined: Apr 09, 2010
Age: 46
Posts: 343
Location: Southeast TN USA
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| Posted: Fri May 07, 2010 12:43 am Post subject: |
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| HopeGrows wrote: | | alana wrote: | | I don't really know how to express this but as someone who has watched both my brothers who are socially awkward and have low self-esteem (one is definitely an aspie, the other more NT and just shy and unconfident) get with super hot walking nightmares, I will say, just shy of begging, please, please please aspie men do not get sold on looks alone, even if you are a virgin or have been a very long time without sex. Trust your instincts, and listen hard for the still small voice. Watch for dominant behavior that surpasses reason and ask yourself are you going to be able to stand being treated like a child in daily life no matter if the dominatrix type turns you on. If you are constantly being put down, realize it's going to affect your self-esteem until it's whittled away to nothing. Before you get married/ have kids, ask yourself how it will feel to watch your children being similarly abused and don't kid yourself, she *will* mistreat any children you have the way she is mistreating you. Thoroughly educate yourself on the characteristics and hallmarks of borderline & narcissistic personality disorders & if you pick up on them and she isn't turning backflips to become a better human being with DBT therapy, counseling whatever, then run, don't walk, in the opposite direction. Expose her to friends and family and really listen to their feedback. My brother was warned repeatedly, even on his wedding day someone called looking for him and talked to my mom and said 'this is the worst mistake he will ever make' and they were right. Now there are children who are going to have to suffer at the hands of these women their whole childhoods and my brothers will thusly never be free of relationship with them either. |
+100
@Alana, this is just solid gold advice. You guys should laminate this and carry it in your wallet - it's that important. Well done. |
Good advice, definitely. I'm not sold on dominatrices anyway (as much as they are a fantasy to some men). I'm at a very good point in my life. I know I have much to offer, and am very confident about it. I don't deny it. I will run the first time a woman tries to be physically or mentally abusive to me. I have learned lots about women, ever since choosing to invest my time in the area of "inner growth" learning about dating and relationships. It's going to take a woman who sees that she's (1) very special and unique in her own eyes and (2) the "polished, precious jewel" for me to pursue. A dominatrix is neither of them.
I can joke around and say, "I know who I would like to pursue." In reality away from WP, I am not pursuing any woman period. I choose not to, because I envision what my future holds and am grabbing onto my dream and passion. No women, including a dominatrix, will keep me from pursuing my passion and dream. I've been around enough people who are narcissistic to know what these personality types are like. And, it's not a good thing, let me tell you.
_________________
Scott
"The Jazz of Life - the only way to live life"
Dx'd with AS and AD/HD Combined in 2007
Interests: Music, great outdoors (beach/mountains), cooking/baking, philosophy, arts/sciences, reading, writing, sports, spirituality, Green, sus |
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ben10scotland
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Dec 28, 2010
Posts: 73
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| Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 5:13 pm Post subject: Not from too much experience |
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There are a lot of things in this thread to comment on, firstly Hope grows Asperger's is incredibly variable- I believe I have it very mildly [and only have a borderline diagnosis] but still [rarely] I show signs and when I want to be friends with someone they change their mind.
So for each Aspie, not all the things that you read about Asperger's will apply so the best source of information about how Asperger's affects someone is to ask them. You could come up with a list of ways in which Asperger's syndrome can affect someone and ask them how they are affected.
The main other thing is that some people may be ready to give feedback when you do something that annoys them where as others will bottle it up and then get very angry after some time without explaining. For any friendship or relationship to work the former is crucial. The problem here stems from a lack of communication and with proper communication and the ability to anticipate when things may become problems could make people with Asperger's who have identified the problems they may have better communicators than neurotypicals when both parties understand.
So whats crucial is a willingness to sit down and discuss any problems openly, and state things clearly and unambiguously describing exactly what the problem is. I think knowing that a person with a diagnosis of autism cannot always read body language or read between the lines is important because it should make the other person appreciate the need to communicate the same information verbally.
I have a few male friends with Asperger's [don't really have any female friends with autism, its much rarer [13 times more common in males]. If a friend had Asperger's I would expect them to understand how to communicate with another person with Aspergers but some Aspies -or even those who think they may be affected but consider themselves largely NT ] aren't even great communicating to others with Asperger's.
[think examples stated on here- probably stubbornness may be a big problem with some people]
I guess each individual has their own set of beliefs and things they like people to follow [eg cultural and personal beliefs etc] and when these aren't communicated there is no way they can expect others to miraculously follow them
[example: old flatmates were angry I cooked beef in oven - they never told me they were muslims and I thought muslims could eat beef [and couldn't smoke or drink alcohol]. They also never told me they were blatant liars but I figured that out quickly enough. The expectation that I would work out they were both muslims from the colour of their skin and their love for smoking wasn't reasonable]
could probably write a lot more, I like people who have a great personality- and there isnt a lot of such people around- and Im tolerant of a large number of people [essential as a healthcare pro] so I get on with people and make now make friends fairly easily. If someone upsets me I'll explain why and quickly forgive them in most cases, If I can't get along with someone its usually [perhaps always] the case that most other people can't either.  |
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mv
Protector of the Realm
Joined: Jun 18, 2010
Posts: 3131
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| Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 7:35 pm Post subject: |
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About the only thing I've learned in all my years is that I'm most likely not cut out for intimate relationships. I wish I had known that a long time ago, because I've wasted a lot of time and generated a lot of misery for myself trying to be "normal."
The amount of compromise it takes it just ... unpalatable to me. I either do too much compromising, to the point that my own self gets subsumed, or else the person bores me and I end it. I think it's an issue with power, and how I have to retain it to some level.
These are not healthy qualities to have, if one wants to maintain a "romantic" relationship. No amount of therapy has been able to even scratch the surface, unfortunately. I figured all this crap out on my own.  |
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ben10scotland
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Dec 28, 2010
Posts: 73
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| Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 9:32 am Post subject: Regards |
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MV too many autistic people feel the same things -
they find problems in relationships and seem to think its them and resign themselves to being on the shelf. Thats not necessary- if you can bear it, think of what the problems you faced in the past and what made them better or worse and think about how any problems could be resolved. Put all the problems you faced behind you - they are not worth worrying about. and get yourself out there, build some more self esteem and find someone who likes you, who has a great personality and who you can be open with.
If you find the right person, someone who you can sit down and discuss problems openly with - someone who shares some of the same interests as you and who can give you time on your own to do your own thing when you need it
if you need any specific advice post on here or send me a PM |
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