NicoleG
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Age: 36
Posts: 661
Location: Dallas-Fort Worth
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 Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 8:22 am Post subject: |
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| SpiritBlooms wrote: | I've been asked that question repeatedly all my life. I hate it. It's rude, and they would agree if they considered the question in reverse: "Why do you talk so much?" or "Don't you ever shut up?"
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Agreed. I never thought of it that way, but you're absolutely correct. |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 8:58 am Post subject: |
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| Maerlyn138 wrote: | | I mean really, what do you say. |
Well, there's always "why do you ask?" but I don't know if that's a good one or not. I think this question is a subtle attack, its meant to make you feel isolated and small. If you turn things around when people are doing that, they often become more overtly hostile. |
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NicoleG
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Age: 36
Posts: 661
Location: Dallas-Fort Worth
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 11:17 am Post subject: |
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| edgewaters wrote: | | Maerlyn138 wrote: | | I mean really, what do you say. |
Well, there's always "why do you ask?" but I don't know if that's a good one or not. I think this question is a subtle attack, its meant to make you feel isolated and small. If you turn things around when people are doing that, they often become more overtly hostile. |
I learned to use that phrase when I didn't like the question and felt uncomfortable answering it. However, I started to realize that my only reason for not answering was because of my ego, and I've been working to get my ego out of the equation as best as possible.
You're right, the reason why the question makes us feel uncomfortable is because it is a type of an invalidation attack. The other person is being judgmental and assuming when s/he gets involved in another person's life like that, even if it's being done of out genuine concern for the other person. What I find is that it's not so much a matter of them trying to make things better for me, as much as it's a matter of them trying to minimize their own discomfort, because in their minds my being quiet is making them uncomfortable for one reason or another. Other people get uncomfortable when they think someone around them is ill or in a bad mood. Other people get uncomfortable when they suddenly realize that they're doing all the talking and there's someone else in the room completely content with not being a chatterbox. There's all sorts of reasons why the other person gets uncomfortable. It's all tied back into what's known as Joint Attention, where other people HIGHLY empathize with those around them and allow others' emotional states to affect their own emotional state. This is why I stick by my original response to this thread:
"I'm sorry. Does my quietness bother you?"
It forces the other person to evaluate why they are asking the question in the first place without necessarily putting them on the defensive the way that, "Why do you ask," does. I am completely acknowledging that they are correct and that I am being quiet, so they have no reason to get defensive. Putting the other person on the defensive is a sure fire way to get them to be more offensive (in both senses of the term). The issue isn't that I'm being quiet, but that they are for some reason bothered by it. I'm not obligated to fix their own cognitive discord, but I can bring attention to it in a nice, fair way. |
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dreammirror
Butterfly
Joined: Apr 30, 2012
Posts: 15
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 4:26 pm Post subject: |
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| NicoleG wrote: | | edgewaters wrote: | | Maerlyn138 wrote: | | I mean really, what do you say. |
Well, there's always "why do you ask?" but I don't know if that's a good one or not. I think this question is a subtle attack, its meant to make you feel isolated and small. If you turn things around when people are doing that, they often become more overtly hostile. |
"I'm sorry. Does my quietness bother you?"
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That's another really good answer. Because quietness DOES seem to bother many people. |
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NicoleG
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Age: 36
Posts: 661
Location: Dallas-Fort Worth
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Marms
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 17, 2012
Posts: 28
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| Posted: Mon May 07, 2012 10:28 am Post subject: |
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| Metal_Man wrote: | | CockneyRebel wrote: | | I get asked that question, from time to time. The thing that irritates me the most, is when I'm with a bunch of women. They will be talking about hair, guys and makeup, and I don't really have anything, to say. One of the women will ask me, why I'm so quiet. I also get told, that I'm soft spoken, a lot of the time. |
I get the same thing from men. They will be talking about sports, binge drinking, strip bars, doing drugs, date raping women, etc. and I won't say a word. They will ask me why I'm so quite and i will politely explain that I am just not into that stuff and sometimes they will get quite hostile with me because those are the things men are supposed to do. |
I just want to add that not all men are into those things. I think by not saying anything they probably think you are judging them. Sounds like you need a new group to hang out with. |
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icyfire4w5
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 10, 2011
Posts: 569
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| Posted: Wed May 09, 2012 11:11 am Post subject: |
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| Based on my own experiences, some people use "Why are you so quiet?" as an icebreaker. They mean no harm when they ask that. |
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Timber
Hummingbird
Joined: May 28, 2011
Posts: 23
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| Posted: Thu May 10, 2012 11:02 am Post subject: |
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I was always asked this when I was at school. Teachers actually made fun of me for it. There was a teacher who always mockingly 'admonished' me for being so 'loud' and 'talkative'. There was also this one time where another teacher randomly walked up to my desk and in the middle of a class lesson, said something like 'Hey, you, how come you never talk? I want to hear you something for once. Go on, say something, anything. Say one word.' (He didn't even use my name).
Because it was so unexpected it took me a couple of seconds to process what he said, and I automatically said 'What?' and the whole class laughed, including the teacher, and not in a nice way. Another one of my teachers, at almost every parent teacher interview told my parents I needed to 'speak more'. Which is an absolute joke, because the time I wasn't speaking I was using to actually do my schoolwork, while other kids were talking and disrupting the class.
These days if someone asks me why I'm so quiet I just say 'I'm thinking. You should try it sometime' |
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ValentineWiggin
Yup.
Joined: May 16, 2011
Posts: 4879
Location: Beneath my cat's paw
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 8:02 pm Post subject: |
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"Because I'm bored to tears with the drivel surrounding me."
_________________
"Such is the Frailty
of the human Heart, that very few Men, who have no Property, have any Judgment of their own.
They talk and vote as they are directed by Some Man of Property, who has attached their Minds
to his Interest." |
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Num4Myranda
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 16, 2012
Age: 17
Posts: 34
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 10:30 pm Post subject: |
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| I prefer being quiet so I can think and I feel peaceful when I do. I just stare out the window |
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aarpar
Blue Jay
Joined: May 16, 2012
Posts: 85
Location: Winnipeg Manitoba
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 12:15 pm Post subject: |
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I hate being quiet. I'm a guy with a lot of opinions. I just don't find the right time to express them. The worst part is that sometimes I loose track on conversations even though I'm trying my hardest to listen because my reading comprehension level is lower than most. I'm afraid I might say something off topic and stupid. I just wait until other people are done and then I talk about something else. I can only follow a conversation completely with a person one on one. It's kind of stupid but I have to just live with it.
_________________
Thanks for reading,
A-Ron
http://www.youtube.com/user/thataaronguy204 |
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Ashley-Yin
Butterfly
Joined: Nov 02, 2010
Age: 28
Posts: 15
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 7:08 pm Post subject: |
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Most of the time I get 'Your so quiet' (with a puzzled look) so yeah "WHY ARE YOU SO QUIET"
I lack the impulsiveness to say
"Because if I started talking about what I want to you'll wish you never asked"
and as sensitive as my hearing its rubbish in noisy surroundings... SENSORY OVERLOAD Aaaargh!
I would also go as far to say that in a lot of cases its other people that are the reason for my silence
because they don't stop talking in the sense of not being included in the conversation
or I'm not interested in mundane things lets get deep already!
_________________
What is Clarity if not Light and Dark Seen at the Same Time?
http://www.visualsoundlife.tumblr.com |
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GrantingtheRant
Phoenix
Joined: May 12, 2012
Age: 18
Posts: 574
Location: Cali4nia
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 12:20 am Post subject: |
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I'm quiet because of various reason, one of them being i know that my opinions aren't valued if i can't speak louder, clearer, and faster than i actually do. What comes out is also very much a non sequitor. I also don't like it when talkative people try to crack my shell. This is especially hard since EVERYONE in my family is social.
_________________
Rule 63 of the inetrnet: If it exists, there is a female version of it and vice versa, no exceptions. |
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fefe333
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 19, 2012
Posts: 187
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 10:32 pm Post subject: |
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uggghh i hate this question! In the past, I have told whoever asked the truth, which is almost always complicated or pointless (to them) witch just gets me odd looks. I never know what to say, so I usually just shrug it off and change the subject. (I compliment them on there shirt or something, then I let them do the rest of the talking.)
_________________
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I am a 14 year old girl.
I have synesthesia.
aspie quiz results: 172/200
I am suspected to have aspergers, but I'm not diagnosed. |
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fefe333
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 19, 2012
Posts: 187
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 10:34 pm Post subject: |
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uggghh i hate this question! In the past, I have told whoever asked the truth, which is almost always complicated or pointless (to them) witch just gets me odd looks. I never know what to say, so I usually just shrug it off and change the subject. (I compliment them on there shirt or something, then I let them do the rest of the talking.)
_________________
--
I am a 14 year old girl.
I have synesthesia.
aspie quiz results: 172/200
I am suspected to have aspergers, but I'm not diagnosed. |
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