Maternal Instincts in an Aspie Female

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IdahoRose
Imaginary Friend
Phoenix

Joined: Feb 25, 2007
Age: 22
Posts: 18651

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 1:48 pm Post subject:

I agree with mechanicalgirl39 and starygrrl.

mechanicalgirl39
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Apr 07, 2009
Posts: 2338

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 3:06 pm Post subject:

Thank you starygrrl. I don't know why some people feel the need to condemn difference. The idea that all women are basically mothers or mother-templates is oversimplified and just plain f**** up. People are not mass produced products. Some are very maternal, some kind of like the idea, and some just flat out don't have it at all. The idea that if you don't have a mother instinct, either you are damaged in some way or you do have one but you think you don't, is just insulting. Some people just know from young adulthood that they don't want children, and there's nothing wrong with them. _________________ 'You're so cold, but you feel alive Lay your hands on me, one last time' (Breaking Benjamin)

kate123A
Velociraptor

Joined: Feb 16, 2010
Posts: 459
Location: the twilight zone

Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 11:34 pm Post subject:

I have two children and although I don't readily connect with others. I do with my kids. I also nursed both until they were nearly 2 and enjoy cuddling and holding both of them. I also don't mind them being nearby however(both my kids are on the spectrum son has Autism and daughter is a suspected Aspie no formal diagnosis but I recognize enough and girls are harder to diagnose) anyways I love my kids not so much other kids but they are the two that I'm close to and care about. Without them I'd be alone and I never have to pretend with them and the three of us are all pretending together in public. I hate hate hate the sound of kids crying/screaming. So I generally am more attentive to them so that they cry less.......no I'm not spoiling them son has a severe speech delay and daughter is so sensory that she's upset over many things.

lissy983
Snowy Owl

Joined: Oct 31, 2010
Posts: 142

Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 12:36 am Post subject:

I have always loved children, though I never use to consider myself ‘the mother type’. Maybe it’s my immaturity or childlike insecurities but I have always been able to empathize easily with them and communicate clearer. I have a certain affinity for a child's ability to absorb everything, that I believe reflects in the way I interact with children. I have older siblings and was an aunt at age 8. My favorite thing about my nieces and nephews were the fact that I was able to eventually give them back. When I had my daughter I didn’t have the feelings or fears I anticipated through my pregnancy. Although I admit I spoiled her rotten till ten months old when I finally had to stop letting her sleep me.

aspiefeminist
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: Apr 26, 2010
Age: 24
Posts: 50
Location: NYC

Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 8:27 pm Post subject:

I love spending time with kids and always have. In some ways I think I spent so much time with little kids because of being aspie. I had a lot of trouble (still do) in social situations and with people my own age etc. Finding little kids to spend time with is always a really good solution to find a socially acceptable reason to ditch the boring small talk and relax. My friends have told me I'd be a great mother. I really hope that is true. I worry though that I'll embarrass them all the time (like my 65 year old undiagnosed aspie father has done to me) or that I'll somehow fail as a parent since I can't do all the things that they might want me to. I seem to have really good "maternal instincts" or whatever they are. I have always loved taking care of other people and adorable little kids are no exception! Anyone else have similar experiences in finding sort of a safe haven with kids?

number5
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Jun 16, 2009
Posts: 1691
Location: sunny philadelphia

Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 9:03 pm Post subject:

aspiefeminist wrote:

I love spending time with kids and always have. In some ways I think I spent so much time with little kids because of being aspie. I had a lot of trouble (still do) in social situations and with people my own age etc. Finding little kids to spend time with is always a really good solution to find a socially acceptable reason to ditch the boring small talk and relax.

My friends have told me I'd be a great mother. I really hope that is true. I worry though that I'll embarrass them all the time (like my 65 year old undiagnosed aspie father has done to me) or that I'll somehow fail as a parent since I can't do all the things that they might want me to. I seem to have really good "maternal instincts" or whatever they are. I have always loved taking care of other people and adorable little kids are no exception!

Anyone else have similar experiences in finding sort of a safe haven with kids?

Only with my own kids. I am in total comfort and contentment when I'm with them, until they start acting up, of course Wink

. I feel very awkward around other kids. I don't know what to say or do. I don't like to talk down to them, or make them think that I think they're just kids and they don't know what's going on - if that makes any sense. As a kid, I often felt like adults were patronizing me and I hated that. But then again, they are kids so most adult stuff is either boring or inappropriate.

BTW, can I interest you in babysitting for me some time? Smile

Rose_in_Winter
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Sep 18, 2009
Posts: 740
Location: Kansas City, MO

Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 5:41 am Post subject:

IdahoRose wrote:

I agree with mechanicalgirl39 and starygrrl.

So do I (and with IdahoRose, too). I don't appreciate being labeld as some sort of biological freak because I don't want children. I simply have no desire to have them, no maternal instinct, and that is with having spent time with them as a babysitter, teacher, and aunt.

I also resent the implication that my dog is a replacement child. I feel like half a person without a dog. I don't have the same feeling about children; I'm perfectly whole and happy without them. I don't think this is unnatural at all.

ediself
Like a boss.
Phoenix

Joined: Oct 04, 2010
Age: 35
Posts: 3202
Location: behind you!!!

Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 7:55 am Post subject:

i don't judge women who don't want children, who said that just because we have the ability to have babies it made it a requirement? that said, i have 2 children myself, and i never liked children before i had them. I did feel that "omg i want a baby" from the age of 15, but i really couldn't stand children when i saw them. when i had my son i just fell in love. now i have a daughter too, and i know that's where it's going to stop, but i can't imagine what my life would be like without knowing them. It's really nice to put them to bed and watch a movie in peace at night, i'm not denying it but it's equally nice to see them wake up in the morning and make their breakfast. I love the feeling of family. _________________ http://www.thepetitionsite.com/2/autism-stop-abuse-autistics-france/

kfisherx
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Nov 04, 2010
Age: 49
Posts: 1192

Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 3:40 pm Post subject:

CaroleTucson wrote:

These are exellent questions. I don't think you really realize your so-called maternal instincts until you actually have a child. When I held my twins the first time I was the fiercest mama bear you can imagine. As they grew, the bond between us developed into the strongest force in the known universe.

I would never criticize a woman for not wanting children, but while I've enjoyed a wonderful career and experienced most of my bucket list by the age of 45, I still consider being a parent the single most meaningful aspect of my life. As to how it was affected by being aspie, it's funny ... my kids were/are my biggest "coaches". Many's the time as they were growing up they would quietly take me aside and explain some social nuance to me. Somehow, they understood that I needed that.

My girls are 22 now and they're the light of my life. Always have been, always will be.

^^^ THIS ^^^ 100% except my girls are 28 and 26. I don't think being an Aspie makes one more willing to have a child BUT aspie traits are really good ones IMHO for parenting if the person is otherwise good. I was "with" my children (as in focused) when I was near them and I was able to provide consistent, fair and honest parenting. My daughters are both college educated and highly functioning adults. They both claim that my parenting style is one they will emulate should they ever have children.

ShePariah
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: Dec 09, 2010
Posts: 4

Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2010 10:27 am Post subject:

Funny thing is I had NONE and didnt particularly like children before I had my own. Now I absolutely LOVE kids and mine the most!

Shannon21
Hummingbird

Joined: Oct 29, 2010
Posts: 19

Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 10:55 pm Post subject:

I have 3 kids: ages 6, 4, and 1. For those times I cannot take the noise, I pop in earplugs! They have saved me from yelling, getting overly frustrated and anxious, and I get some great sleep! I also cannot take the clutter; I end up throwing out toys. Im a mother, but my mothering instincts arent really great. I love my kids, but I would not win any awards for mother of the year. I am strict, fair, give hugs/kisses, encouragement, but Im not cuddly and do not like playing childish games. However, I cannot wait to teach them chess!

Babaganeesh
Butterfly

Joined: Nov 15, 2010
Posts: 14
Location: Puget Sound

Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 5:17 am Post subject:

Mercurial wrote:

I don't think being an Aspie makes you more or less mothering. I think it may make it a little harder for us to be aware of that part of ourselves. I also think some of the misinformation about Asperger's--like how we're supposedly less empathetic or less emotional, both of which are resoundingly untrue--has inflluenced too many people with AS. I think they try to fit that image, maybe uncosnciously, or they misinterret something about themselves that they don't quite undertand yet because they are trying ot make it fit some erroneous portrait of an Aspergian.

i second this (i'm not an aspie BUT...). i work with new mothers and families professionally and it's more common for women to have an adjustment period postpartum (especially the first time around). american culture is very hard on mothers, very judgemental how they should present. women who don't respond typically to all those hormones swirling about often mask that because they think there's something wrong with them when it's really just a part of the process biologically. i have taken care of hundreds of moms and babies postpartum and i don't think an unresponsive asperger's mom (and as does not equal unresponsive) mom would look that different from someone having a tough time with a mood disorder that originated with the pregnancy. some people have a more difficult, less "glowing bonding mother goddess" time than others and this can go on for a few years or longer if there's a subsequent pregnancy. that doesn't mean they won't even out and enjoy the process down the road.

my interpretation of mercurial's post was that people who would otherwise consider children table the possibility because of their autism. in my opinion that's an entirely different item than someone who doesn't want children under any circumstances nt or aspie.

grendel
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: Aug 27, 2006
Posts: 267

Posted: Sun Dec 26, 2010 3:23 am Post subject:

I have always related well to small children and always wanted to be a mother. I dismayed my own mother (who is a professional and was one of the early women in her field) by responding when I was a few years old to her question about what I wanted to do when I grow up, that I wanted to be a mommy and I didn't want to work. I am not an adult and I still want that, and I am a mother (single mother, so I still have to work). I reject the idea that Asperger's makes us non emotional or non empathetic (warning: with the hormones that set in when you get pregnant, you get even more emotional). I think it's just that NT people can't read our emotions or understand them, or if we don't demonstrate them in the socially conventional way they don't get it or think that we don't feel anything. For me, relating to children is relatively easy. Maybe it's because I relate to animals very well also. You can easily communicate and have an emotional connection with both without having to worry about social regulations. Children are demonstrative, open, honest and much more understandable to me than adults. Also at least until they are conditioned otherwise they seem to say what they want and what they mean directly, which I like. Now, I expect I will have more difficulty being a mother as my son grows older and adapts to the social world. I am pretty sure he does not have Asperger's. He is very social and everyone immediately loves him and he chats enthusiastically and connects to people easily. This was relieving to me, if only because I think some things will be easier for him growing up than they were for me. He seems very different from myself at that age, (both from what I remember and from what my family members have told me). On the other hand if (as I hope I will eventually get married to somebody and have more kids) I have another child who does have Asperger's I feel that I will be better equipped to deal with it than many people would due to my own experiences. I will mention that I don't seem to be able to relate very well to a lot of other mothers... I am still trying to connect with some so my son will have more kids his own age to play with, but it's slow going even with him as a social lubricant which has been helping my other social situations. It seems to me that the majority of them, based on the way they talk about or deal with their kids, cannot remember what it felt like to be a child at that age, which is still pretty vivid in my mind (though of course not everyone's childhood was similar).

indigo-oak
Blue Jay

Joined: Dec 10, 2010
Posts: 84

Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 8:10 pm Post subject:

I used to be anti children, just pets only, until about a year ago. Now I'd love to raise a child, as long as I'm not doing it on my own! Even if they turn out to be autistic/AS, I'd still be willing to chance it. They certianly wouldn't grow up with hellish life I had as I'd never let that happen. I'd love to give them childhood I missed out on. I don't like other peoples children but find them very cute. Think I'd make a wonderful mother, you should see the love and attention I give my dogs hehe.

poopylungstuffing
Lolliwink Slayer
Phoenix

Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Age: 37
Posts: 7618
Location: Snapdragon Ridge

Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:23 pm Post subject:

I have always been good with children, but I do not mind the fact that I am unable to procreate....my reproductive system was most likely messed up when I had an abortion at an early age...so I simply don't get pregnant...I am not going to go out of my way to fix that...I am able to be very nurturing towards my business partner's infant daughter when I am looking after her, but otherwise detached when I am not having to watch her... I am very protective of children...I can relate to them better than I can to adults...kids tend to be drawn to me...etc....But it does not bother me that I cannot have them... As far as my biological clock goes, there are times when it depresses me a bit...here at 35...my cycle has started getting kinda weird...and I weary of the way that it troubles me....hohum....I wish that for an infertile person, I did not have to have such an intense and bothersome cycle......oh whells..... _________________ http://www.youtube.com/user/MsPuppetrina http://www.youtube.com/poopylungstuffing http://www.superhappyfunland.com "Ifthefoolwouldpersistinhisfolly,hewouldbecomewise"

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