To All the Ex-Partners Looking for an Explanation....

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HopeGrows
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24 Jan 2011, 11:24 pm

SurfMaggie wrote:
Hope - thank you so much for this. I have been a bit quiet recently but I have been reading the forum everyday. You are right that this is an issue that has touched a lot of people - NT and Aspie, men and women and your explanation will undoubtedly help a lot of people to understand a little of why their partner fell out of their lives so quickly and completely, leaving them in a void of uncertainty and despair.

As for me, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my ex and our relationship. For whatever reason, I was not the right one for him. Many people have thought that he was a "douche" ( :P ) for dumping me and for citing my drug addict ex as the reason. However much I loved him, his negative feelings towards me manifested themselves in some angry behaviour towards me, and left me feeling frightened of him at times. I tried to explain it away, justifying it by his Aspergers, but no guy has the right to yell at you in the street and threaten to throw out all your clothes onto the pavement because you told him about your previous relationship difficulties. Aspie or NT, there are standards of behaviour in a relationship that must be adhered to, and if your partner isn't playing along, you have to leave.


You're welcome, Maggie. As to the bolded text above: true that, sister.

SurfMaggie wrote:
I realise now that things between he and I were not right and had to change, but more importantly, I had to change. I let one husband take drugs for years, as I tried to support and "help" him, with the hope he would change. Then I let one guy be so sensitive and judgemental about me that I walked on egg shells to avoid arguments and blow outs, totally surpressing the real me in the process. Despite knowing in my heart of hearts that this was wrong, I allowed it to happen. Now I know it is me that has a problem.

So I am doing a bit of work on me. I'm making some changes to my life; moving house, taking up some hobbies I have wanted to do for years, and doing some reading about relationships. My current book, which comes with me as I explore nice little coffee shops in the area, is Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Obviously not all of it will be relevent but it will hopefully explain why I put up with men that are un-healthy for me, with the hope that they will change into nice guys. So hopefully when I do finally meet Mr Right, I will be in a happy place in my life.


I think you might be being a little too hard on yourself here, Maggie. You didn't "let" your ex-husband take drugs. You could have left him sooner, I'm sure - but you couldn't have stopped him from taking drugs. His relationship with drugs was the most important relationship in his life - but that was his choice, kiddo.

I've recommended "Women Who Love Too Much" so many times! It's an awesome book. I also recommend "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" by Susan Forward. They may help you understand yourself, and the relationship choices you've made. I found them really helpful. I'm glad you're feeling better, and that you're taking some time to tackle your own stuff. It's truly an investment in yourself - and I know you won't regret it. Take care, hon.


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HopeGrows
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24 Jan 2011, 11:28 pm

JazzofLife wrote:
HopeGrows wrote:
zen_mistress wrote:
Hope, if you dated an AS man, they vary, some can be affectiionate, some withdraw into their interests, some have relatively normal attachment experiences, and some dont form attachments very well at all. It sounds like the man you dated fell into the last category. I am sorry you got so hurt and it is good that you have finally figured out what is wrong with what happened. I think that that will help amazingly.


Yes, I've dated a few AS men. 8) Thanks for your sympathy....figuring this out has helped amazingly. I feel lucky to have an answer - not a happy answer, but an answer. I really am lucky.


Glad to hear you are lucky, Hg.. we all could use a little luck in life :)


Completely agreed. :cheers:


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JazzofLife
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24 Jan 2011, 11:31 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
JazzofLife wrote:
HopeGrows wrote:
zen_mistress wrote:
Hope, if you dated an AS man, they vary, some can be affectiionate, some withdraw into their interests, some have relatively normal attachment experiences, and some dont form attachments very well at all. It sounds like the man you dated fell into the last category. I am sorry you got so hurt and it is good that you have finally figured out what is wrong with what happened. I think that that will help amazingly.


Yes, I've dated a few AS men. 8) Thanks for your sympathy....figuring this out has helped amazingly. I feel lucky to have an answer - not a happy answer, but an answer. I really am lucky.


Glad to hear you are lucky, Hg.. we all could use a little luck in life :)


Completely agreed. :cheers:


Cheers.. on top of that, I found my passion in life... doing presentation on my life with AS and how I did it. First presentation was this evening before 20 people for 90 minutes, which ended up in a rousing applause.


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HopeGrows
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24 Jan 2011, 11:59 pm

JazzofLife wrote:
Cheers.. on top of that, I found my passion in life... doing presentation on my life with AS and how I did it. First presentation was this evening before 20 people for 90 minutes, which ended up in a rousing applause.


Wow - that's incredible. Congratulations on this milestone, and on your great success. :thumright:


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zen_mistress
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25 Jan 2011, 2:27 am

Women who Love Too Much and the Men who etc book are both awesome. I believe they were written 20 years ago but still apply today, I dont think there are any more helpful books for women who are in this situation.


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talulah
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25 Jan 2011, 4:55 pm

I have just been coldly and unceremoniously dumped by my Aspie BF of 11 years. I came here looking for answers because he refuses to speak to me. It is comforting to see that I'm not alone but sad to see that this probably could have been predicted. He has told me that he doesn't need to give me a reason for ending our relationship. I am currently an utter mess, in case I need to state that.

I keep seeing these same books being recommended...they are about loving men who are emotionally unavailable, right? Is the implication that loving an Aspie was a pathological problem of mine?



HopeGrows
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25 Jan 2011, 10:52 pm

talulah wrote:
I have just been coldly and unceremoniously dumped by my Aspie BF of 11 years. I came here looking for answers because he refuses to speak to me. It is comforting to see that I'm not alone but sad to see that this probably could have been predicted. He has told me that he doesn't need to give me a reason for ending our relationship. I am currently an utter mess, in case I need to state that.

I keep seeing these same books being recommended...they are about loving men who are emotionally unavailable, right? Is the implication that loving an Aspie was a pathological problem of mine?


Hi @talulah. I'm very sorry you're going through this difficult experience. I don't think your break-up (or the way your ex chose to handle it) was particularly predictable. Asperger's isn't the only predictor of how a person will behave. There are certainly co-morbidities to consider, but there's also another important factor: character. Character plays an important part in determining what any person - Aspie or NT - will consider "acceptable" or "decent" behavior. So don't beat yourself up over the belief that you should have seen this devastating incident coming; there are far too many variables at work.

To your question about the implication that loving an Aspie is a partner's pathological problem: no, that's not the implication. These books attempt to demystify why women choose partners who are not the best for them. None of the books mentioned deal with Aspies specifically. I've chosen a mate or two (non-Aspie) who were incapable of being good partners...books like these helped me understand the impact that my own emotional and psychological health had on the choices I made when it came to partners. They may not be applicable to you at all (you may want to read the jackets before you put your time into reading them). Anyway, I'm very sorry for your loss...I hope you're able to find some answers, and/or at least some peace. Take care.


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talulah
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26 Jan 2011, 5:25 am

@HopeGrows: Thanks very much. I'm going to post a long rambling version of my story in another thread because, dammit, I just can't help myself. I need to overshare right now. I'm finding this forum helpful, though. I'm seeing some painful reality in here. I definitely "loved too much." I thought I could do it all myself. Why not, I did everything else in the relationship?



SurfMaggie
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26 Jan 2011, 7:07 am

Talulah - I am so sorry for your loss, and I can appreciate your pain. It is a bereavement process that you are going through and expect to feel all the emotions of anger, hurt, disbelief and sadness. Being dumped without a reason is a terrible shock, and having all contact severed with your best friend, overnight is gutting.

It maybe that your ex is simply behaving badly, but sometimes there are other explanations as to why guys do this sometimes. I put this issue to the forum and got some very helpful and insightful answers - have a look at the recent thread on this forum: Break-up - Aspie Style!!

I hope this helps, however sometimes only time can really do that. Just keep your head up, keep your dignity and remember that you can get through this

Maggie xx



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26 Jan 2011, 4:37 pm

When I read Talulah's story, the douche thing is coming to mind again.


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Meow101
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26 Jan 2011, 5:56 pm

talulah wrote:
I have just been coldly and unceremoniously dumped by my Aspie BF of 11 years. I came here looking for answers because he refuses to speak to me. It is comforting to see that I'm not alone but sad to see that this probably could have been predicted. He has told me that he doesn't need to give me a reason for ending our relationship. I am currently an utter mess, in case I need to state that.

I keep seeing these same books being recommended...they are about loving men who are emotionally unavailable, right? Is the implication that loving an Aspie was a pathological problem of mine?


:cry: :cry: :cry:

Every time I read a story like this it opens my wounds again. My ex dumped me, now six months ago, and was kinda distant to me for a month before that (didn't really explain why he was "backing off" despite my asking) and won't talk to me even to talk about why. I made my last ditch attempt to contact him about 3-4 weeks ago and got hung up on, and I'm trying very hard to move on, but without the explanation I need it's so hard. I kindasortawellmaybe know why, but it's so vague I'm having trouble not blaming myself, even though he has said it's not my fault.

Ugh... :cry: Maybe I should stay out of this whole L/D forum for a while...why do ppl DO this???? I wish they wouldn't.

~Kate


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zen_mistress
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26 Jan 2011, 11:21 pm

Kate, if you want you can PM me, you dont have to though but I have things I can suggest about your situation.


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HopeGrows
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29 Jan 2011, 12:38 pm

Meow101 wrote:
talulah wrote:
I have just been coldly and unceremoniously dumped by my Aspie BF of 11 years. I came here looking for answers because he refuses to speak to me. It is comforting to see that I'm not alone but sad to see that this probably could have been predicted. He has told me that he doesn't need to give me a reason for ending our relationship. I am currently an utter mess, in case I need to state that.

I keep seeing these same books being recommended...they are about loving men who are emotionally unavailable, right? Is the implication that loving an Aspie was a pathological problem of mine?


:cry: :cry: :cry:

Every time I read a story like this it opens my wounds again. My ex dumped me, now six months ago, and was kinda distant to me for a month before that (didn't really explain why he was "backing off" despite my asking) and won't talk to me even to talk about why. I made my last ditch attempt to contact him about 3-4 weeks ago and got hung up on, and I'm trying very hard to move on, but without the explanation I need it's so hard. I kindasortawellmaybe know why, but it's so vague I'm having trouble not blaming myself, even though he has said it's not my fault.

Ugh... :cry: Maybe I should stay out of this whole L/D forum for a while...why do ppl DO this???? I wish they wouldn't.

~Kate


Honestly, Kate - people behave that way because there's something wrong with them - that is not about Asperger's. It's painful and it's awful and it hurts - but it is so not about you. I know it doesn't help that much to hear it, but I believe it's the truth.


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